Monthly Archives: October 2013

Go Fish!

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I just happen to know someone who says it often. A lot. Altogether too much. Damn that ED. There’s no other way to say it. No other way to say how much I hate him.

The other night when I felt like “he” was screaming at me, I couldn’t express how upset I was with him. Basically, I’m fighting myself, but I don’t like to think of it that way. Often, all of my negative thoughts are so loud that they drown out all of the even slightly positive. Stupid ED. Why can’t you just leave me alone. Honestly! Just leave. Every time I think I’ve almost gotten rid of you, there you are again. You randomly pop up everywhere. Blah! It’s so irritating.

This has been a high anxiety type of week. I’ve gone from level 1 to level 10 on my anxiety scale in a matter of minutes. I think I’m on this anxiety high right now and when I do finally come off it, I’m afraid that I’m going to be exhausted. I mean, I’m even having anxiety in my dreams sometimes. This is just nuts! So, the question I have for myself, is that, how do I make this go away? How to I just make the anxiety stop in it’s tracks? Can I even do that? Am I capable of helping myself and finally being free? I’d like to think, that eventually one day, the anxiety will be less and ED will one day be gone forever. So ED, why don’t you go fish, or better yet, go fish yourself  ; )

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I Remember It All Too Well

I don’t usually post twice in one day, but I’m under some different circumstances at the moment.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_KlmhXI7Go

“And I might be okay but I’m not fine at all.”-All Too Well, Taylor Swift 

I ate a piece of cake. One tiny piece of cake. That doesn’t matter though. I knew I shouldn’t have done it. So, I sat through the entire meeting trying to fight back the urge to cry. The whole time, there was just this voice in my head telling me that I didn’t do a good enough job today, or I ate too much, or I shouldn’t have done that because I didn’t work out today. All these voices of ED spoke to me the entire time I was trying to concentrate on a presentation. Can you imagine how chaotic, scary and difficult that is? All I wanted to do was get up and leave and go curl up on my bed. Someplace where I could cry all by myself. Nobody was around to listen to me anyways. Is this my life? Is this what I have to look forward to everyday? Why can’t I fix this? Why can’t I make it go away?

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Finally, I got out of that meeting and basically ran to my car, where I sat, for 10 minutes or so, just crying. I finally thought I should drive home and I cried all the way there. I’m not even sure I want people to know that.  I got to my apartment, still pretty much balling and I knew I just had to sit in my car until I got control over myself. So there I sat, for probably about another 10 minutes. This is the part where I basically lost it. It was just me, the car and the radio. I was balling and I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t make it better. I was gasping for air, pretty much feeling like a crazy person. And to anyone who actually reads this is probably going to think I’m completely mental. I’m not though, I know that all of this things are irrational. The whole time I sat outside my apartment ED’s voice was drowning out mine. All I could hear was him telling me what a terrible person I was, and how if I only worked harder that I wouldn’t have to be upset anymore. He was screaming in my head. Like the jumping up and down, throwing things kind of screaming.  Lies. Lies. Lies. All lies. That darn ED. I’m seriously tired of hearing him speak. For some strange reason though, I keep telling him talk and letting him tell me how to do things. Somehow, someway, I stopped crying. Stopped freaking out and just told myself to go inside. That was it. It was over.

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Sometimes, I look at children and I see them running around and happy and I just want to tell them to never grow up. They don’t know what it’s like to feel this way, to deal with this inner battle with an eating disorder. I just want to keep them little, keep them protected. Because I never, ever want anyone else to feel this. I never want a person to have to live like this. I wish it upon no one.

What’s Past is Past…

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I think it’s pretty strange how one week I can feel like there is no hope for me, like I have no change and that even going to therapy and telling someone all my life problems is ridiculous. It’s during those weeks and days that I just feel like things are never going to get better for me. It just seems like no matter how much I try to do the right thing, it just doesn’t seem to be working. I learned a couple of weeks ago that I compulsively workout. I pretty much go a little crazy if I don’t get to. I don’t know how I made it through last week actually. I was so busy last week that I didn’t get to workout at all. Somehow, just somehow, I made it through that. I didn’t even cry! Which is a little insane actually. I’ve come to realize, however, that I don’t cry nearly as much as I used to. I’m not even sure why. It could be because I am actually making progress with this, or it could be that I finally got tired of people not understanding, not caring, just being frustrated or just telling me to eat. It could be a combination of both actually.

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Aside from the fact that some days are just really hard for me compared to others, for the first time in the longest time I feel happy. It just came out of nowhere. I’m not even sure where it came from. All I know is that sometimes it can just take one person to make you forget everything bad that happened to you previously. That makes it easier to forget that someone yelled at me once and told me to get over this problem that I had, or that I just cried in a ball on someone’s bed while they just watched me. I understand though that watching me go through that was frustrating. It must be frustrated to try and help me and try to make me feel better and all I do is deny. I guess it’s kind of hard to watch someone do that and  I guess that means it’s pretty hard to keep helping me. Anyways, that’s besides the point. My point is, that for a split second, just a second, I remembered what it was like to not care about an eating disorder, to not feel like at any moment a person could be upset with me just because I want to talk about my problem. If I’ve opened up to you and felt like I trusted you enough to actually tell you about my struggle, I don’t expect much, just that you will listen really……it takes a lot to be vulnerable. And sometimes, it just takes one person, to feel like you can begin again.

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Everything Has Changed

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It’s in that moment when you realize that someone literally drove 20 hours across the country that makes you realize that maybe you are something special. This is especially true if you suffer much like I do, where you pretty much feel like you aren’t worth anything. But, just in that split second, in the moment of surprise, you realize everything that God has given you.

What I mean by all of that, is that I’ve been waiting about 9 months for my boyfriend to come back from Afghanistan, and on Friday night, he showed up at our old high school’s football game. I had no idea. Seriously, no idea. I just about had a heart attack. It was the craziest thing that’s ever happened to me. I could’ve sworn that that type of thing only happens in movies. Apparently, it happens in real life too. I’m seriously still on a high from that. Which is good, because it’s going to be at least another month before I get to see him again.

Anyways, I do have a point. Sort of. I should have started out with saying that I get lonely a lot. I go home to my apartment at night, all by myself and I’m just….there. And that causes me to be sad. I don’t even know why or how it happens! Sometimes I just find myself curled up in a ball on my bed, not concentrating on the TV, thinking too hard, or trying to find some sort of homework to do. Try to keep myself busy. I guess that’s a good thing though.

I’m getting off on a rabbit trail I’m afraid. Anyways, whenever I’m starting to feel down, I think that I should just think about so many of the good things that God has given over the course of my life, or better yet, what He is allowing me to have now.  I can’t even believe how He brought us together. It’s all difficult for me to understand, but may be that’s the point of it all. I’m not suppose to understand God’s plan.

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Hold My Heart

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-xmBDAK5c4 I cry every time I hear this. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEz2PsLJ-RI This song too.

 

“If You’re everything You say You are, will You come close and hold my heart?”

I’ve never not been apart of the church. Some of my first childhood memories come from the church. I grew up in a Christian home and was always taught the Word. So, when I began to have doubts about God’s plan for me, or hearing God’s voice, or feeling abandoned by him, I started to feel like a bad person because I was unsure.

I felt like I was stuck in a hole, all by myself with no one to help me out of it. I just felt as if God wasn’t caring about me. He didn’t care what happened to me or what I was going through. I couldn’t wrap my mind around why I had to have an eating disorder and cry all the time and constantly beat myself up. I was almost angry with God because I felt like he had just left me to drown on my own. I was sinking, or so I thought.

It’s a funny thing when you finally get to hear God’s voice. It’s strange. You don’t expect it. It’s not like the Bible stories you know the kind, like when God is calling Samuel and he believes it to be Eli. It wasn’t like that. It wasn’t this big scary voice from the clouds, it was almost like a whisper. I like to think of God as my own personal Jiminy Cricket. He’s my conscience; speaking to me and I don’t even realize it. I just forget sometimes that God can speak like that. It doesn’t always have to be writing in the sky or the hand on the wall. I always feel bad because I think I’m not listening to God, but I really am. It was a strange feeling to be praying and talking to God about something for so long and just get no answer. It’s an amazing feeling and experience when He finally answers you. When he gives you a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’. It’s like no other feeling in the world. To get to see God’s hand in my life yesterday was a completely amazing experience that I will never do justice in trying to explain.

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Light in the Darkness

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I just have to share about how I had an amazing feeling in therapy today. Words cannot express how much I love to be able to see God’s hand working in my life. Often times, I feel like he’s forgotten about. I just feel abandoned. I’m sure that I felt that way the whole time I was at UTSA and for the most part now.  I just can’t understand why God gave me/allowed me to have/ hasn’t gotten rid of this eating disorder. It makes me so angry. But today, something about that changed.

Today in therapy, my therapist admitted that she’s not really suppose to share faith with patients, but there is just something about me, compelling her to do so. She admitted that she prays for me because my situation is one that is difficult to overcome. As soon as she said this I felt like I couldn’t thank her enough. Is was at that point I realized that God is STILL and ALWAYS is looking out for me. He hasn’t left me this whole time during my struggle. She let me know that it was okay for me to have some doubts, be upset with God. She explained that it was living out your faith. I love that!!! It was such a good and moving point.

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I’m so glad that I finally decided that I needed help and that I needed to go to therapy. Just by that one comment  I learned that there are in fact people who care about me and my well being. I’m so, so, so thankful for that! It was at that moment, that I just knew I was in the right place. That’s a feeling I haven’t had in a very, very long time.

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War With Yourself

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I’ve been reading this book called “Almost Anorexic” by Jennifer Thomas. It’s a book about people who struggle with eating disorders. Throughout the book, she discusses various people and their eating disorders and the ways they coped with them.There was one that I found really interesting. It was about writing a letter to your eating disorder. One was a letter about why you felt you needed Ed, and the other is asking Ed to leave you alone.

Here’s my attempt.

Dear ED,

Thanks so much for being there for me ALL the time. You and I’ve had a lot of ups and downs over the years, but you’ve never left. You’re a constant force in my life. You must be the best friend ever to stay with me this long. It feels great to know I always have someone fighting for me in my corner. You always give me pointers on how to be prettier and more pleasing for relationships. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

Yours truly,

Kairos

ED,

Actually, I DO know what I would do without you. Be a happier and free person. I don’t know who I am without you, but I’d really like to find out. We’ve had a long relationship, sadly. You’re like the abusive boyfriend that I crawl back to. You’re literally the worst friend…EVER. Telling me that I have to change my appearance in order to be considered pretty is truly sad and hurtful. I don’t like how you talk to me.

Please leave,

Kairos

all YOU are is MEAN

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQ8xXmPZKe8

“Someday, I’ll be, big enough so you can’t hit me, and all your every gonna be is mean.” -Mean, Taylor Swift

Those are the famous words of Taylor Swift in which she addresses a bully of some sort. Every time I heart the song, I think of my own bully that I have to confront on a daily basis. No, it’s not someone who steals my lunch money(does anyone actually do that?) no, it’s not a mean teacher or girl who won’t let me hang out with her group. The biggest bully in my life, and probably for more than just me, is myself.

I step in front of the mirror every single day of my life and criticize myself and tell myself that I look awful. Believe me, its an awful feeling. I am a slave to my own mind and everyday I let it become an even bigger bully than it was the day before. Every time I think of myself I think negative thoughts such as ‘I’m not pretty enough’, or ‘my body is on a significant downward slope.’ None of these are pleasant thoughts, or comments I should even be making to myself. I am a child of God whom He created and crafted in His own image. So, if I believe all this, why don’t I feel this way? I’ll tell you why, because ED lives in the back of my mind. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

I can’t blame this on the media, or pop culture, although it would be easy, Just like I said before. I chose to blame myself. Honestly, I have no one else to place the blame on. I enable myself to feed my mind negative, nasty comments,why do I let it rule my life? I just feel as if no one will accept me. ED strikes again.

If there is one thing I’ve learned recently, its that everyone is beautiful in their own unique and individual way. No two people are made the same. Therefore, not everyone can be super model skinny, or tall enough the reach the top shelf, or short enough to be adorable! If we were all the same, wouldn’t the world be a dull place to live? I for one believe so. So, think about how everyone is completely, utterly, and totally breathtakingly beautiful.

So, the real question I should ask myself is when do I allow myself to live this, feel this, think this and stop allowing myself to criticize myself, depress myself and beat myself up daily?

“But the cycle ends right now ’cause you can’t lead me down that road.”- Taylor Swift

Blame Game

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It would be easy for me to blame my issue on someone else. Someone such as my family, or past friends, past boyfriends, or the entire media in general. But honestly, I can’t. I don’t blame anyone but myself, really. (I do blame the media a little, actually) For the most part though, I feel as if I created this whole problem myself.

As I find myself here typing, I don’t know whether or not anyone will actually ever read this. For some odd reason, I don’t exactly care. I feel like if this helps me in some way, that’s its worth putting my thoughts, feelings and all emotions out on the table. I feel like if this is a step in my recovery that helps me, that its all worth it.

Honestly, I’m just at this point where I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore. I feel like I’ve just hit a wall of sorts. I feel like I don’t know what I’m even doing anymore or how to help myself. What if I’m a failure and disappoint me to everyone because I have no actual progress to show. The only progress I have is actually admitting that I have a problem and that I want help. I don’t want to be like this forever. One day, I want to be able to say that I beat this. That I’m recovered and I pushed through the struggle. One day I would like to be able to eat cake without feeling completely awful. I’d like to know that I can go to a restaurant and just order something without analyzing every little speck of the food. Now, this may never happen, but I can hope that something close happens. I can hope that I gain some control over myself. I know that I need to let go. It’s for the best. But there is this large part of me that wants to hold onto ED, hold onto everything he gives me and provides for me. It’s nice to feel like someone is in my corner. (ALTHOUGH THIS IS NOT THE CASE!). Another one of ED’s wonderful lies. All ED wants to do is hurt me, break me and push me down.

I truly wish  had someone else to blame for this, but I take all the blame. I guess, the point I’m trying to convey is that I almost feel like this is hopeless, but I know that it’s just ED talking to me.  I know that ED is a bad voice. I know he’s not good for me. I KNOW that ED is NOT my friend.

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Journey To Fearless

October 17, 2013

cf0567eef16e464ef585fd11c9ad68f3 We all have our daily struggles. Some more difficult than others, and some people  seem more prone to troubles and struggles than others. Nevertheless, struggles are real. Struggles are always present.
It wasn’t until the spring semester of my freshman year in college that I realized I had a real struggle. I real, life threatening, life altering, time consuming, heart breaking struggle. While I was in class I constantly thought about what  had just eaten and how it changed me, I thought about my next meal and how I could burn it off, and how I could eat the minimal amount of food while still eating. I couldn’t not eat. Basically, food and thoughts of food came to consume about 96%, if not a higher percentage of my time.
Returning to school in the fall semester, I finally decided that it was time to seek help. I clearly could not resolve this issue on my own. Clearly it was eating me alive (it had been for at least the past 7 years, if not my entire life.) I couldn’t take the voices in my head anymore. I couldn’t handle them judging me, controlling me and trying to be everything my life revolved around.
So now, I’m a couple months into sessions. Trying to keep my hopes up. Trying to tell myself that I can get over this. Trying to understand where all this is coming from. And constantly, constantly trying to fight against it.
Taylor Swift and her fearless quote basically represent the theme of my ongoing recovery battle. Fearless isn’t not having fears, it’s having so many but allowing yourself to push through the struggle.

c864954f3c1b0c1fa5b30a83902b734e Miley Cyrus represents how all of this can wreck your life and break your heart if you let it.

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These two quotes just represent and show that there is still in fact good in the world.

805cc8c12975a0de811be265da4aee29One day, I hope to be able to say this about myself.

bfea9a09adb4500b154517f9142e7b63 and I truly believe this..