It would be easy for me to blame my issue on someone else. Someone such as my family, or past friends, past boyfriends, or the entire media in general. But honestly, I can’t. I don’t blame anyone but myself, really. (I do blame the media a little, actually) For the most part though, I feel as if I created this whole problem myself.
As I find myself here typing, I don’t know whether or not anyone will actually ever read this. For some odd reason, I don’t exactly care. I feel like if this helps me in some way, that’s its worth putting my thoughts, feelings and all emotions out on the table. I feel like if this is a step in my recovery that helps me, that its all worth it.
Honestly, I’m just at this point where I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore. I feel like I’ve just hit a wall of sorts. I feel like I don’t know what I’m even doing anymore or how to help myself. What if I’m a failure and disappoint me to everyone because I have no actual progress to show. The only progress I have is actually admitting that I have a problem and that I want help. I don’t want to be like this forever. One day, I want to be able to say that I beat this. That I’m recovered and I pushed through the struggle. One day I would like to be able to eat cake without feeling completely awful. I’d like to know that I can go to a restaurant and just order something without analyzing every little speck of the food. Now, this may never happen, but I can hope that something close happens. I can hope that I gain some control over myself. I know that I need to let go. It’s for the best. But there is this large part of me that wants to hold onto ED, hold onto everything he gives me and provides for me. It’s nice to feel like someone is in my corner. (ALTHOUGH THIS IS NOT THE CASE!). Another one of ED’s wonderful lies. All ED wants to do is hurt me, break me and push me down.
I truly wish had someone else to blame for this, but I take all the blame. I guess, the point I’m trying to convey is that I almost feel like this is hopeless, but I know that it’s just ED talking to me. I know that ED is a bad voice. I know he’s not good for me. I KNOW that ED is NOT my friend.