What’s Past is Past…

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I think it’s pretty strange how one week I can feel like there is no hope for me, like I have no change and that even going to therapy and telling someone all my life problems is ridiculous. It’s during those weeks and days that I just feel like things are never going to get better for me. It just seems like no matter how much I try to do the right thing, it just doesn’t seem to be working. I learned a couple of weeks ago that I compulsively workout. I pretty much go a little crazy if I don’t get to. I don’t know how I made it through last week actually. I was so busy last week that I didn’t get to workout at all. Somehow, just somehow, I made it through that. I didn’t even cry! Which is a little insane actually. I’ve come to realize, however, that I don’t cry nearly as much as I used to. I’m not even sure why. It could be because I am actually making progress with this, or it could be that I finally got tired of people not understanding, not caring, just being frustrated or just telling me to eat. It could be a combination of both actually.

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Aside from the fact that some days are just really hard for me compared to others, for the first time in the longest time I feel happy. It just came out of nowhere. I’m not even sure where it came from. All I know is that sometimes it can just take one person to make you forget everything bad that happened to you previously. That makes it easier to forget that someone yelled at me once and told me to get over this problem that I had, or that I just cried in a ball on someone’s bed while they just watched me. I understand though that watching me go through that was frustrating. It must be frustrated to try and help me and try to make me feel better and all I do is deny. I guess it’s kind of hard to watch someone do that and  I guess that means it’s pretty hard to keep helping me. Anyways, that’s besides the point. My point is, that for a split second, just a second, I remembered what it was like to not care about an eating disorder, to not feel like at any moment a person could be upset with me just because I want to talk about my problem. If I’ve opened up to you and felt like I trusted you enough to actually tell you about my struggle, I don’t expect much, just that you will listen really……it takes a lot to be vulnerable. And sometimes, it just takes one person, to feel like you can begin again.

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