I don’t usually post twice in one day, but I’m under some different circumstances at the moment.
“And I might be okay but I’m not fine at all.”-All Too Well, Taylor Swift
I ate a piece of cake. One tiny piece of cake. That doesn’t matter though. I knew I shouldn’t have done it. So, I sat through the entire meeting trying to fight back the urge to cry. The whole time, there was just this voice in my head telling me that I didn’t do a good enough job today, or I ate too much, or I shouldn’t have done that because I didn’t work out today. All these voices of ED spoke to me the entire time I was trying to concentrate on a presentation. Can you imagine how chaotic, scary and difficult that is? All I wanted to do was get up and leave and go curl up on my bed. Someplace where I could cry all by myself. Nobody was around to listen to me anyways. Is this my life? Is this what I have to look forward to everyday? Why can’t I fix this? Why can’t I make it go away?
Finally, I got out of that meeting and basically ran to my car, where I sat, for 10 minutes or so, just crying. I finally thought I should drive home and I cried all the way there. I’m not even sure I want people to know that. I got to my apartment, still pretty much balling and I knew I just had to sit in my car until I got control over myself. So there I sat, for probably about another 10 minutes. This is the part where I basically lost it. It was just me, the car and the radio. I was balling and I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t make it better. I was gasping for air, pretty much feeling like a crazy person. And to anyone who actually reads this is probably going to think I’m completely mental. I’m not though, I know that all of this things are irrational. The whole time I sat outside my apartment ED’s voice was drowning out mine. All I could hear was him telling me what a terrible person I was, and how if I only worked harder that I wouldn’t have to be upset anymore. He was screaming in my head. Like the jumping up and down, throwing things kind of screaming. Lies. Lies. Lies. All lies. That darn ED. I’m seriously tired of hearing him speak. For some strange reason though, I keep telling him talk and letting him tell me how to do things. Somehow, someway, I stopped crying. Stopped freaking out and just told myself to go inside. That was it. It was over.
Sometimes, I look at children and I see them running around and happy and I just want to tell them to never grow up. They don’t know what it’s like to feel this way, to deal with this inner battle with an eating disorder. I just want to keep them little, keep them protected. Because I never, ever want anyone else to feel this. I never want a person to have to live like this. I wish it upon no one.