Monthly Archives: November 2013

Courage is…

“Take all my vicious words, and turn them into something good. Courage is when you’re afraid, but you keep on moving anyway…”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIRPq_25cUk

There comes a point in some of my days where I just feel hopeless. I’m at this point where I basically feel like I’m doing nothing right. Was doing this even the right thing? Is talking and almost crying every week really helping or really what I need? Everybody says I’m doing the right thing and that it’s a hard thing to recover from. But what if they’re wrong?

I also have these points during my day where ED tries to convince me to do something wrong….something bad. Like he doesn’t lead me down that road enough??? He tries to convince me that it would be okay just this “once” it would be fine to just skip dinner/lunch or eat only yogurt. ONLY yogurt. Literally, nothing else. But I’ve never listened to him before mainly because I can’t handle the rumbling of my stomach growling. Therefore, it’s never happened. He almost had me convinced tonight though. Just almost. Really, the only thing that saved me was the fact that I don’t really like to be hungry. I was going to do it though. I was so close. Honestly, what’s my problem?! First of all, why can I not do that? Why can’t I have enough self discipline to just not eat?But then again, I do have quite a bit of self discipline to NOT listen to that stupid ED. So, in reality, I guess I’m not really weak. I just can’t help but feel completely stupid for 1) feeling like I’m fat 2) listen to ED 3)feel like I can not eat dinner 4) pretty much eat about 6 foods (bananas, peanut butter, nature valley bars, oatmeal, raisins and turkey sandwiches—with no cheese) 5) workout compulsively 6) basically over analyze all my food before I eat it.

Well then….now that I’ve said all of that. I suppose I feel a little better. Good thing I go to counseling tomorrow.

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When You Become A Number

So today, I experienced something that really bothered me. Insensitive people absolutely drive me up the wall. I find it ridiculous.

This morning, during my speech class, this guy in my class was making fun of anorexia. What’s that? That’s mean you say? Yeah, I agree!  I wanted to do one of two things, crawl under the table and feel ashamed of myself and my problem, or punch this guy in my face. In what way is this disorder a joke at all?

When you start to make fun of people who have some kind of disorder whether it be an eating disorder, OCD or something even smaller, you begin to belittle a person and make them feel ten times worse. Odds are that the person you are making fun of, already feels terrible about themselves, so really, let’s think before we speak. I guess I can’t expect everyone to do that or not to make jokes. I’ve just never encountered someone who just outright made fun of an eating disorder like that. My heart just sank when I heard him begin to make fun of it and say that obesity was now his problem.

The issue I have with this comment of his is simply that this disorder is no laughing matter. It’s actually a serious issue that people actually have to battle with. I just think that it’s something that shouldn’t be made fun of. Just like what you eat shouldn’t be brought up at dinner or your yearly salary isn’t appropriate conversation for a party.

MTV EMA's 2012 - VIP ArrivalsTaylor Swift is literally one of my all time favorite people, but personally, I feel that she has become too thin. I don’t know if you can see it, but in the photo where she is in a blue dress you can see her breast bones. It’s just kinda sickly looking and makes me sad. Personally, I think that this is what happens to a person when too much emphasis is placed upon looks or thinness and not on the actual type of person you are. You become a number instead of a person.

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Monster

Monster in the closet,

Monster in the hall,

The monster gets a hold of me and I have no one to call,

He lives inside my bedroom,

And in the kitchen cabinet,

He’s always telling me I can break my bad habits

I’m friends with the monster under my bed,

But I’m fairly sure he’d prefer me dead,

He stirs in the night and keeps me awake,

He always puts to much on my plate,

But most of the time he makes me hate

He makes me think I’m crazy,

Sometimes even lazy,

Tells me I’m not good enough,

and no one can ever save me,

He let’s me cry myself to sleep at night,

Thinking things will be better in morning light,

He tells me I’m unwanted and I can never know real love

I’ll like to give him a real good shove,

He screams at me and throws a fit,

Sometimes I think he’ll never quit

Just one moment of peace and quiet

He’d never go for that, just throw a riot

The monster’s name is ED,

But unfortunately he doesn’t live under my bed

But I know all this can’t be true,

I have a purpose and it’s not to be used,

There’s something great inside of me,

If he’d just be quiet he would see

I’m friends with the monster under my bed

but unfortunately, he lives inside my head