Courage is…

“Take all my vicious words, and turn them into something good. Courage is when you’re afraid, but you keep on moving anyway…”

There comes a point in some of my days where I just feel hopeless. I’m at this point where I basically feel like I’m doing nothing right. Was doing this even the right thing? Is talking and almost crying every week really helping or really what I need? Everybody says I’m doing the right thing and that it’s a hard thing to recover from. But what if they’re wrong?

I also have these points during my day where ED tries to convince me to do something wrong….something bad. Like he doesn’t lead me down that road enough??? He tries to convince me that it would be okay just this “once” it would be fine to just skip dinner/lunch or eat only yogurt. ONLY yogurt. Literally, nothing else. But I’ve never listened to him before mainly because I can’t handle the rumbling of my stomach growling. Therefore, it’s never happened. He almost had me convinced tonight though. Just almost. Really, the only thing that saved me was the fact that I don’t really like to be hungry. I was going to do it though. I was so close. Honestly, what’s my problem?! First of all, why can I not do that? Why can’t I have enough self discipline to just not eat?But then again, I do have quite a bit of self discipline to NOT listen to that stupid ED. So, in reality, I guess I’m not really weak. I just can’t help but feel completely stupid for 1) feeling like I’m fat 2) listen to ED 3)feel like I can not eat dinner 4) pretty much eat about 6 foods (bananas, peanut butter, nature valley bars, oatmeal, raisins and turkey sandwiches—with no cheese) 5) workout compulsively 6) basically over analyze all my food before I eat it.

Well then….now that I’ve said all of that. I suppose I feel a little better. Good thing I go to counseling tomorrow.


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