It’s Never Simple, Never Easy

“I’m gonna be sick. I’m gonna be sick. I’m gonna be sick.”

“I’m never gonna get through this. This is just complete torture. I’m never getting better. I’m going to be stuck like this for the rest of my life.”

These are two conversations that I have with myself almost 100% of the time, every single day. I can’t remember the last time that I actually felt good about myself, physically and mentally. All I can ever think about is how bad I look, how sad I feel, or how much food I just ate that I shouldn’t have eaten.  I feel so ridiculous and stupid.

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I ask myself quite often about what I did to deserve this. Why did I get cursed with this disorder…eh, disease, I guess. What made God choose me to have this issue? Why can’t it literally only affect my life as well? I could handle it just a little better if my problem didn’t spread to the rest of the people around me, the few people who care that is.

Why is it that anytime I EVER eat something I get to feel like a complete piece of dirt? I could eat a banana and still think that I’m about to gain 3 pounds from it, or think that it’s about to make my tummy puffy. (Speaking of puffy tummies. That’s how I remember most of this beginning. Well, the beginning when I actually began to tell people. I remember telling my boyfriend at the time that I always thought my tummy was puffy after all my meals, or I would just randomly have my hand on my stomach, or just casually bring it up in conversation somehow. He probably thought I was nuts.)

Anyways, back to my point earlier. Remember that banana I mentioned? Well I feel the same way after eating that banana as I do about eating a hamburger or a peanut butter sandwich. It’s so stupid. I don’t understand what compels me to want to feel this way, or want to work out constantly and do endless crunches. Sometimes I think that this is all my life will be or that this is what my life has come to-being a calorie counting, waist measuring, only eating certain foods, and being a prisoner to workouts. Yay…….eventually I guess that will change.

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I find this hilarious

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