Monthly Archives: February 2014

It Was Like Slow Motion


Have you ever let yourself just completely fall apart and cry on the bathroom floor? Have you ever curled up in a ball in the driver’s seat of your car and just let yourself go? Screamed along with this song that came on the radio because it said they exact words you were thinking? Have you ever stood in the middle of the kitchen and stared at the refrigerator? Have you ever stood in the bathroom with your eyes closed wonder if you were about to make the right choice? And finally, have you ever stared at your dinner plate like it was going to kill you if you ate it?

Sadly, in the past 24 hours, I’ve done every single one of those. Very sadly.

Sad Beautiful Tragic by Taylor Swift

(That’s right, they all look like Ed.)

So what exactly am I getting at? Well I’m not really even sure. I just know that I’ve had many difficult days lately. MANY. It wasn’t until last night that I fully understood part of the reason Ed appeared anyways. The fact like I felt like an insignificant individual 90% of the time has a large part in it. I have always been the second choice to people; the other option when their original one fell through. I guess that through all of that my mind either “created” or allowed Ed to just crawl in one day. At first he was just a visitor that came every so often, then he started to stay a little longer and whisper a little louder. Then suddenly, his voice was as loud as my own, saying that if I was just a little thinner maybe people would pick me as a first choice and not just the second. Ed would clearly state that f you could see my backbone, my hip bones, or that little wrist bone a little bit more, maybe I just might be good enough for someone.  I thought that if I was thinner, people would be more inclined  to befriend me. I don’t know how that makes any sense, but I seem to think that’s how it works. So finally, Ed made his case, I believed him and here I am today. Am I someone’s first choice yet? Not really. Am I someone’s best friend? Well not that I know of exactly…see, I just feel the insignificance. I let Ed stay because he made me feel better. He gave me a task to accomplish. He was always there for me-in my head of course. In a way, I guess you could say that Ed somehow became my imaginary best friend. And if I let go of him, what do I have? I’m letting go of a part of me that I’ve had for quite some time. It’s like losing a part of myself.

The Moment I Knew by Taylor Swift

Some people say I don’t put myself out there enough. Why would I? Every time I have nobody’s been there for me to reach out to. They say that I let little things bother me or I just hurt too easily. I’m just afraid of being hurt and why wouldn’t I be? Every time I’ve attempted to put myself out there nobody’s ever really received them well. I’m just at this point where I’ve accepted that life isn’t like TV. Not everybody has that one best friend. I guess, that maybe you just have your family and that’s who you’re close to. Maybe I’m just too shy and harbor too much anxiety to make a friend. I’m just so terrified of not being liked that I guess it could possibly interfere with my relationships.

And I guess that’s what I’m thinking right now. That’s where my head is at. I’ve been trying to put most of that into words for days now. I’m sure I could’ve explained it more elegantly or descriptively, but I wrote it just as it was flowing from my mind. It’s raw, honest and 100% me.

I Almost Do by Taylor Swift


The Lucky One

In today’s world, there are all sorts of ways to be influenced by some type of media. From television, books, movies, radio, magazines, they can even start to creep into your reams. Not that all forms of media are negative influences, often times they are encouraging, positive and uplifting. But, are those the images we remember? Are they the ones we dream of being or strive so fiercely to be like? More often times that not, its not those filled with a positive images that we remember, but the negative that get drilled and cemented in our brains.

For me, I have a few examples (I’ll explain those after). Recently, KIA Motors has their commercial for the KIA Soul with the hamsters being their spokesperson.  When the commercial initially came out, the hamsters were portrayed to look like normal with a healthy body size, and regular clothes; they resembled normal hamster-well, if your hamsters wear clothes that is.

Not too long after, a new commercial emerged. In this depiction, the hamsters are show changing their eating habits, lifting weights, working out, and changed the way they dressed. By the end of the commercial, the hamsters exit a limo showing their new thin bodies, new wardrobe and looking polished, and now everyone wants a picture with them. You’ve just got to be lucky enough to get accepted.

Now, not that there is ANYTHING against working out or eating healthy! That’s just simply called taking care of yourself!! The issue I have with this is that to me it seems like the hamsters before their transformation were not as well liked. It almost seems like they are saying you have to “be thinner” in order to be socially acceptable and have friends. Not that nobody liked the hamsters before, but they seem to become almost overnight sensations and claim more fame with their polished look. I just think that this commercial sends a very negative message. It’s not about accepting who you are. It’s all about changing your design to be accepted by the public, and be with the  trends.

Maybe I’m just blowing it out of proportion. It could be a depiction of how the car has changed. I don’t know. From where I stand, I just feel like it delivers a message of changing who you are, or that you need to be thinner.

About those other examples. I have a couple of celebrities in mind that every time I see their picture in the media I want to be like them. However, after I stare at them for a few moments, I step back and have to mentally tell myself that I am me, I’m not them, and I’m exactly how I’m suppose to be.

#miley #cyrus

Not the best influence on many levels! But her body is tiny.


Nina Dobrev


amazing dress  Black Dress #2dayslook #sasssjane #BlackDress

As much as I love both Nina Dobrev and Taylor Swift, they are also kind of triggers.


one of my favorite pictures of her

Shailene Woodley. She is beautiful

Emma Watson

Kacey Musgraves

Red Carpet Arrivals for the Oscar's: Jennifer Lawrence in Dior Haute Couture, I just had to repin because she's amazing...

I know that I included Taylor Swift again; she’s also an inspiration. Shailene Woodley, Emma Watson, Kacey Musgraves, and Jennifer Lawrence are all positive images for me. They tend to make me feel good about myself because they are comfortable in their own skin.

Like We’re Standing on the Edge of a Thunderstorm

I adore this song.  Love these lyrics, need a sign of them.  Rascal Flatts - Stand

we need to do more of this...

As you may have noticed, I tend to relate many of my life situations to songs. I always have; it’s just always been easy for me to relate to music. Especially if that music is country music. I actually have a musical background, which is probably why I easily relate to music. It’s always been one of the best ways for me to express myself.

Today,  I was just taking a drive in my car when Stand by Rascal Flatts came on the radio. I always forget about this song and I have no idea why! It’s such a great message that can relate to so many different scenarios. But for me, it’s almost obvious what I relate it to: my eating disorder. It’s a song that says no matter how many times Ed knocks me down, I have to get back up and fight. Every time I get pushed, I have to push Ed right back. When Ed throws a punch, I either have to duck, take the punch and stay knocked down, or take the punch and throw my own right back. Every time  I feel blown around by Ed, or thrown down on my knees, I have to brush off the dirt. I can’t let Ed see me cry, it’s part of his leverage against me.

When Ed yells and says I’m doing everything wrong, I have to calmly say that I’m doing everything right.

Every single time Ed throws me down to the ground, knocks the wind from my chest, give me a good bruise on my knee or speaks words of darkness, I have to remember to stand right back up.

Every. Single. Time

Do you know how hard that is to remember? Every time you hear negative thoughts or someone trying to knock you down and tear your self esteem to minuscule shreds to just stand there and take it? Do you know how hard it is not to listen to him? Do you know how hard it is to stand back up when all you really want to do is fall under that spell and become Ed’s. Extremely difficult. Extremely. 

There are just so many lines for me in this song that jump out of the song screaming my name! Saying this is for you!

“You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand.”

I think the song speaks for itself. I just find it to be inspirational and motivating for me.

Really, all  I want for this long journey of mine, is for some to want to stand with me and hold my hand through it all.

I used to hate holding hands, now I long for it...maybe I was holding the wrong one

The first time he holds her hand, she feel as though she has fallen in love for the very first time, like all the other before him never existed or mattered.

Who You’re Supposed to be…Fifteen

The other day I was sitting in the elementary school parking lot, waiting to pick up two girls and take them home while we waited for their mom to get off work. I just happened to be in a Taylor Swift mood that day, so I was listening to her. Two songs  in particular jumped out at me, Fifteen and Innocent.

As I listened to Fifteen, I suddenly remember actually being fifteen. When I first heard that song, I was probably about fifteen so I felt like it didn’t relate to me at all (typical teen). I was fifteen the first time any boy told me he loved me, and just like she says, you believe them. There’s something about that first real relationship that makes you feel like it could last forever and it’s a perfect fit for you. Really though, I didn’t know who I was at fifteen, I knew my name, what I liked to do, my favorite songs and food, that I had some sort of eating issue and that I had to go to school. All I dreamed about was getting my license, having a boy kiss me and eventually graduating high school. Fifteen.

-- #LyricArt for "Fifteen" by Taylor Swift

The second line that really stood out to me as I thought about being fifteen was the one where she says you’ll do more than date the boy on the football team. Now I didn’t date a football player, however, I still use this scenario for my high school relationship. Back then, I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew who I loved, where I wanted to go to college, what I wanted my job to be, where I wanted to live, but most importantly, who I was. Fifteen. I didn’t though. I didn’t know any of it, most importantly I hadn’t fully developed who I was yet. And that is in NO WAY wrong! It’s beautiful. It’s fifteen. I really did think that I was going to marry my high school sweetheart.First loves are truly a beautiful, sweet  experience, and I wouldn’t change mine at all. It just, wasn’t our/my path. I was devastated when I realize that wasn’t going to work out for me (I was a freshman in college before I figured it out.) Everything I had known since I was about fifteen was all different. Everything. The college I was at, the fact that I broke up with the only person I’d known in three years, and I knew I had an eating disorder and that I needed help. Eighteen. I was back to square one, but then, I had to remember Taylor Swift’s words “you’ll do greater things”. Fifteen. Eighteen. Nineteen.

Taylor Swift fifteen... Love this song

I think just a few short months ago  I was still coming into my own, dealing with my emotions and actually figuring out what I like and don’t like.

The second song, Innocent, is more about me and my eating disorder. Taylor speaks of crawling into a giant bed at the end of the day, before the monsters caught up with you, believing in everything and everyone believing in you and despite all of the things you do, you can still change and you’re still innocent. For me, I relate that to Ed.

“Today is never too late to be brand new”, every single day is new, and every single day I can choose to say ‘screw Ed’. I can choose to get up off my knees everyday and fight.

Taylor Swift- Innocent

“Before the monsters caught up to you”, that’s Ed. He’s my monster. When I was a child, he was always one of the monsters in my dreams, or under the bed, or in the closet; I just didn’t know it yet. I wasn’t old enough to make that connection yet. I always just saw a dark shadow or blob, but I was never sure of what it was. Now I know its Ed.

Go back to that place within. Before you were told there was no Santa Claus, or Easter Bunny, or Tooth Fairy. Before you were told about "reality". Live Now like you did then. Full of wonder, excitement, joy over the simplest of things, and the belief that anything was possible. Because it still is. ♥ Bella

So, what’s my point in all this rambling? Well, my point is, is that it’s okay to not know who you are at fifteen. It’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay to change path directions; it’s okay to tell someone goodbye. It’s okay to tell you’re monsters to get out of town!

All of this combine, separate or just standing alone is completely fearless.

cause when your fifteen.....HOLLA IM FIFTEEN NOW FINALLY I CAN DO THIS

Today, We’re Fearless

For the first time in forever I’ve gotten to have a number of good days in a row. IN. A. ROW. Do you realize how groundbreaking, earth shattering, and incredible that is?! It’s a new phenomenon really.

Anyways, that just blew my mind really.  On to the more important part and the part I actually realized I wanted to write. I ran around the house looking for computers when I realized I wanted to tell this.


I was at the San Antonio Stock Show and Rodeo today to watch my brother show his pig. (It was really dusty in there. Pigs are just filthy to me). Outside where all the vendors and other show barns are at there is a dairy barn. This is where they demonstrate how to milk cows and children and adults alike can see and learn how cows work. In this barn, these knowledge seekers can purchase milkshakes, ice cream cones and these little ice cream cups. Today, I had one of those little chocolate ice cream cups. Today, I ate ice cream. Today, I ate something  that didn’t show how  many calories. Today, I ate something that didn’t show the fat content. I consumed something that I didn’t know anything about. But I ate it.

Today, I was fearless.

Not everything happens all at once. This is an ongoing process. I’m going to lose many battles with Ed, but I’ll get to win some too. And today, today I won.

About the “advantages” of eating disorders and why you should never tell someone with one to “Just Eat!”

This blew me away. I find this woman incredible.

Swimming Upstream

I know some of you are waiting for my second post about Perfectionism.  I promise its coming.

However, I came across a journal entry today that I think is really important.

And I feel like I really need to clear up one common misconception about eating disorders right here from the get go.  One that I might have even exacerbated with my first post here here.


Eating disorders are not just about FOOD. 

They are not about just about being SKINNY. 

I can’t count how many times I was told in the midst of my eating disorder “So, why don’t you just eat?”  “You are beautiful! You are thin! So just stop throwing up!”

If only it were that easy.

Eating disorders are an extremely complicated thing, my friends.

I spent years trying to figure out why I couldn’t “just eat” or “just love myself ” or just believe…

View original post 2,081 more words

Curly Top

Here we go. So, this week is one important thing for me, and another important thing for everyone else, a.k.a. Valentine’s Day (insert eye roll here). Anyways, my favorite, actress of all time passed away at the age of 85. She lived an incredible life and showed the world that she could be more than a cute child star and a pretty face. Shirley Temple was an absolutely incredible woman. She did so much for society and lived through many tough times of her own.

Shirley temple. Precious face... reminds me of Sophie. @Beth J J Lowe  :)


I Shirley Temple


Shirley Temple


I remember watching all of her movies on VCR tape. I was so obsessed with all of the movies, costumes and songs. I can still recite some lines today. One of my favorite lines comes from “Bright Eyes” in 1934.

Shirley Temple

Shirley Temple

Shirley Temple - Bright Eyes (1934)

Shirley Blake: Who’s that picture of?

James ‘Loop’ Merritt: Oh. A girl I used to know.

Shirley: She’s a pretty lady.

 ‘Loop’ : I used to think so. But it’s not enough to be pretty on the outside. You’ve got to be pretty on the inside, too.

Shirley: How can you be pretty in there?

 ‘Loop’: By thinking the right thoughts and doing the right things. And eating plenty of spinach!

I loved that line so much because it taught me something that day. It taught me that what you look like on the outside isn’t always what’s most important. You can’t neglect what your heart looks like. You have to be a compassionate, kind, and loving person to be considered pretty on the inside. Even if you aren’t as pretty on the outside as some others, you become prettier because of your pretty heart.

Speaking of hearts……isn’t that nutty holiday this Friday? Yes, yes it is. It’s not that I completely despise that holiday, because I think it’s nice to tell people you love them. But who picked that day and why? Like what? Who just up and decided that we needed a day to devote to love? Why couldn’t  we just decide ourselves when to show other people love? Who knows, but I feel like I’ve stepped out of a Charlie Brown cartoon when I say, “Valentine’s Day is too commercial”. (Of course they say Christmas, but I was hoping nobody would notice.) Anyways…Happy Valentines Day I guess!

Snoopy Happy Valentine's Day

Deer Me Valentine, I Like You

Celebrate Every Body

“If your thighs touch, you’re living life wrong.”

“You just aren’t skinny enough if you don’t have the gap.”


Blah, blah, blah…basically, you’re stupid and overweight (well according to these self proclaimed “experts”.) If you haven’t achieved this gap, you are basically inferior to all other girls who have. (Riiiight.  NOT!) I don’t believe that for one second because a thigh gap is virtually impossible to achieve. I’m pretty sure your thighs are suppose to touch. But then again, I’m an expert on nothing.

So, what is the thigh gap you ask?

THIGH GAP: It appears in women and girls who are very thin while also having very thin thighs.

This phenomenon is absolutely fine, of you just came by it naturally. However, lately it has become a body obsession epidemic because it’s being promoted as healthy and pretty. The issue is, that this gap isn’t achievable for all  women. Women with a different bone structure or genetic makeup aren’t going to be able to have one. If a girl has narrow hips or muscle definition they will also not be able to obtain this new found obsession. That doesn’t stop any pages like on twitter, tumblr, blogs or any other social media sight from promoting the potentially harmful idea.

Many of the pro-ana blogs or social media pages promote not eating at all, or cutting certain foods out of diets, or just odd food rituals all together. What this thigh gap phenomenon is teaching and promoting to girls is that, you aren’t prefect exactly how you are and that you need to change yourself in order to be deemed pretty or have the love and affection of someone else. These type of thoughts are potentially harmful because it puts girls on the path the negative body image, unhappiness or even eating disorders because it says no matter what you have to do to be as skinny as possible, do it.

I mean, no wonder to many girls (guys as well), have body image issues. There are so many diet promotions or air brushed images all over magazine covers;  even restaurants are starting to have a hand in this. First let’s take the old, tired out Victoria’s Secret magazine. They display women in their bras, underwear, swimsuits and pajamas and usually these women are airbrushed or “fixed” in some manner. There was just a controversy over this involving Jennifer Lawrence. Almost everything about her is changed when it didn’t need to be altered at all because J-Law is BEAUTIFUL!


Lastly, let’s take my personal favorite restaurant (GIANT joke. I’m totally kidding. Not serious at all.) Twin Peaks. No wonder so many girls have body image issues. Now I’m not knocking the ladies that work there!! Those are all respectable women and if they are comfortable working there, that’s perfectly fine! But personally, I feel that restaurants that require that type of uniform are sending a message that you have to fit this certain body type in order to be desirable and sell meals. And maybe that isn’t the case, but I think there is a lot of pressure on girls to want to be able to fit into that sort of outfit and rock it.

Basketball Web Image

I personally believe that we need to be teaching girls that no matter how skinny they are or how small their thighs are that it doesn’t define them! We are so much more than our bodies. We are our personalities, our minds, our hearts, our sense of humor and our work ethic. Nobody can put a diet on those things. And really, those type of things make you who you truly are.