Have you ever let yourself just completely fall apart and cry on the bathroom floor? Have you ever curled up in a ball in the driver’s seat of your car and just let yourself go? Screamed along with this song that came on the radio because it said they exact words you were thinking? Have you ever stood in the middle of the kitchen and stared at the refrigerator? Have you ever stood in the bathroom with your eyes closed wonder if you were about to make the right choice? And finally, have you ever stared at your dinner plate like it was going to kill you if you ate it?
Sadly, in the past 24 hours, I’ve done every single one of those. Very sadly.
(That’s right, they all look like Ed.)
So what exactly am I getting at? Well I’m not really even sure. I just know that I’ve had many difficult days lately. MANY. It wasn’t until last night that I fully understood part of the reason Ed appeared anyways. The fact like I felt like an insignificant individual 90% of the time has a large part in it. I have always been the second choice to people; the other option when their original one fell through. I guess that through all of that my mind either “created” or allowed Ed to just crawl in one day. At first he was just a visitor that came every so often, then he started to stay a little longer and whisper a little louder. Then suddenly, his voice was as loud as my own, saying that if I was just a little thinner maybe people would pick me as a first choice and not just the second. Ed would clearly state that f you could see my backbone, my hip bones, or that little wrist bone a little bit more, maybe I just might be good enough for someone. I thought that if I was thinner, people would be more inclined to befriend me. I don’t know how that makes any sense, but I seem to think that’s how it works. So finally, Ed made his case, I believed him and here I am today. Am I someone’s first choice yet? Not really. Am I someone’s best friend? Well not that I know of exactly…see, I just feel the insignificance. I let Ed stay because he made me feel better. He gave me a task to accomplish. He was always there for me-in my head of course. In a way, I guess you could say that Ed somehow became my imaginary best friend. And if I let go of him, what do I have? I’m letting go of a part of me that I’ve had for quite some time. It’s like losing a part of myself.
Some people say I don’t put myself out there enough. Why would I? Every time I have nobody’s been there for me to reach out to. They say that I let little things bother me or I just hurt too easily. I’m just afraid of being hurt and why wouldn’t I be? Every time I’ve attempted to put myself out there nobody’s ever really received them well. I’m just at this point where I’ve accepted that life isn’t like TV. Not everybody has that one best friend. I guess, that maybe you just have your family and that’s who you’re close to. Maybe I’m just too shy and harbor too much anxiety to make a friend. I’m just so terrified of not being liked that I guess it could possibly interfere with my relationships.
And I guess that’s what I’m thinking right now. That’s where my head is at. I’ve been trying to put most of that into words for days now. I’m sure I could’ve explained it more elegantly or descriptively, but I wrote it just as it was flowing from my mind. It’s raw, honest and 100% me.