Imagine a world without anxiety or guilt. Just stop for a second, close your eyes and imagine what life would be like if you could never experience those feelings AT ALL. Personally, I can’t even fathom that world. But, I love to entertain the whole thought of never having to feel guilt over wanting to eat, what I want to eat, and eating. That’s just not explainable to me.
I’ve been having a rough week. This Monday just added to it. But as I was driving home last night, I came upon a realization. I’m afraid of eating. I’m afraid of feeling full. I’m not in control of the fact that my body wants food and wants to feel full. I’m afraid of not being hungry or not having enough bones popping out. Apparently, that somehow constitutes as beauty to me. I don’t even know why. Deep down inside I really know that’s not what makes a person pretty or attractive, but that doesn’t keep me from wanting that. It’s very frustrating to me. I can’t not think about it. It’s constantly banging around in my head. All I can think about is what I will eat for my 3 meals, what the calorie content is, and how it will show up on my body. I can never break free from that. I’m a victim of my own scenarios. I feel like I’ve said all this a million times.
I’ll never forget the look and the words said by my boyfriend when I told him I had made myself throw up. I had this honest, heartbreaking confession to tell him and I just wanted a hug and he just asked ‘I thought you were getting better?’ Mega disappointment for him. I fall back in my old ways too easily. I understand his point though and I’m not upset with him at all. I can’t imagine what it’s like for him. It’s not even that I want him to feel sorry for me, because I don’t!!! I just hate feeling like I disappointed him because I just can’t seem to consistently get better.
All I know is that Ed’s voice is a little quieter, but he’s not fully gone.
And then I come to the point where I realize that I can’t breathe without Ed, but I have to learn how to.