As we have all clearly read, post after post, I clearly have this slight obsession with Taylor Swift songs. Today’s post is no different than others. Here we are again talking about a sad Taylor song; this time its Dear John.
As I was listening to the song yesterday on the way home (after I had one of my worst days). I’ve always thought this song was one of her saddest but also one of the best written. As the song went on I started to relate the “John” in the song to my own personal struggle, Ed. Everything she was saying about how he made her feel, or how he tore her self-esteem down or made her feel insignificant was everything that is currently happening to me.
That lyric in particular rings true to me. Ed really does “paint me a blue sky” and then go back and change all the rules! He’ll let me think I’m doing great and on track with everything he’s trying to make me do, but the very next minute, hour, day, or week he can change the rules!! How insane is that? He’ll change the rules to say that I haven’t lost enough weight, I ate too much, or some other obnoxious rule. How am I suppose to keep trying to please someone who you virtually can’t please?! You can’t!! Or, I can’t I guess.
This part of the song really strikes me in the heart. Not that Ed is gone, but I can still step back from out “battered relationship” and see from another point of view that what Ed does to me is wrong! Don’t you think I was too young? I guess there really isn’t a great age to start having an eating disorder, I just feel like I’ve been battling this from such a young age. In a later part of the song she sings “Don’t you think nineteen’s too young?” Which really hits home for me seeing as that is my current age. And I have also cried all the way in a dress before. Needless to say, I relate in quite a number of ways to this song.
I really do wish that someone could’ve warned me that this would happen to me. I wish someone could have given me a task to do, or a phrase to say to prevent Ed from ever coming into my world and making me cry during the middle of my run, or all alone in my room. I wish there would’ve been a warning. Almost like I wish I could have just told Ed that he’s ridiculous and just ran before a problem could ever start!
However, if I would have been able to prevent this at all, would I still be the same person? I don’t think I would. As bad as it all seems or actually is I guess that I kind of have to suffer before I can get through this and be a more well rounded person. Maybe that makes no sense or maybe it’s kind of right.
“You are an expert at sorry, and keeping lines blurry, never impressed by me acing your tests, all the girls that you’ve run dry, their tired lifeless eyes, cause you’ve burned them out.”
All I know is that I have this terrible ed and there’s nothing I can do but work through it. As much as I want to please everyone else, let it fade away quickly, or tell people that I’m doing better than I actually am, I have to do this at my own pace. I’m doing everything I can right, its just going to take longer than a few months.