So here I am, finding myself eating probably an obnoxious amount of raisin bran crunch, but nevertheless, I’m pretty much gorging myself with it. Why am I doing this you ask? I suppose it’s a binge? I’m not even sure I even halfway know what that is. I’m going to choose that word though because it seems to fit. Am I actually hungry or just bored and looking for something to do? I can’t even decide.
Here I am, eating cereal at 7:30 at night. I feel like that sounds completely pitiful. That’s my food of choice? Really? Of all things to pick I’m going to pick cereal? I guess I still wanted to make a “healthy” choice. I just feel long I’m dragging myself through this extremely long cycle of bad days. I can’t catch a break. I just feel like every morning I wake up and it’s just another day where I’m going to feel fat or judged on what my stomach looks like. It’s like nothing helps anymore. The other day I literally found myself crying in the middle of a run. I’ve never done that! I’ve never had to stop multiple times during my steady jog to ball my eyes out and gasp for air. I’m actually pretty surprised that nobody stopped me and asked what I was doing. What’s even going on with me? This is beginning to feel just like a big black hole. I find myself asking the question why can’t I simply just not eat? Why can’t I do that? Am I that weak of a person that the mere thought of food compulsively send me on a frantic search for something to eat? Why can’t I just skip a meal or for once not eat 85% of what’s on my plate? I don’t understand what my issue is. How can I have utterly no self restraint or control at all? Am I just some type of failure?
I’m not even sure talking about it even helps anymore. I just want to be okay, I really do. I’m just sad of disappointing people, and disappointing myself. That might be the worst.