Can’t Go Far But You Can Always Dream

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What do you do when someone who means the world you you tells you they can’t help you unless you want to help yourself? Does that sound discouraging to anyone else besides me? I’m hoping it’s not just me. It kinda made me wanna go cry in the corner.

How do you lose motivation? It’s not very difficult when you don’t really have any at all. Have you ever felt like you might just be slightly depressed? I have for a little while today and after talking to my counselor today, I learned that it’s pretty much normal for me to feel depressed. How could I expect myself to actually be in the correct state of mind? Let’s take a look at everything I’m trying to juggle at once. I’ve got first and foremost, school. I take 15 hours and observe in the classroom, that’s a pretty busy schedule. I’m trying to get the best grades I possibly can, which means studying, giving 110% and going the extra mile. Then there’s babysitting two young, impressionable girls. There’s a real exciting adventure. Literally. Then let’s throw in trying to tackle Ed and all the anxiety, obstacles, and pressure that goes along with that. That may not sound like all that much, but it’s a lot to take on for a 19, almost 20 year old. Breath.

I feel sad often. There’s really no reason. If you take a step back and look at it, I’d say I have pretty good life- aside from the ED fiasco. Nevertheless, depression doesn’t depend on or take into account what kind of life you live, depression is a state of mind.

That hole is called Amarillo Texas.

Depression is a dark, dark place. It starts out slow, like you feel sad because your pet died. Then, it slowly creeps along, adding itself more and more into your daily life. Allowing itself to creep into your happiest moments, whisk away the smile and replace it with a more painted on and less genuine half-hearted one.  It moves itself into your dreams, into your happiest memories until suddenly, it’s somehow painted all your skies gray. You wake up, glance around and all your left with is dark walls, cold rooms that no amount of blankets can cure. When did all of this happen to you? When did you stop having a real laugh and  a fake smile? Suddenly all of this pressure is thrust upon you and you find yourself trying to justify your feelings to others, even yourself. Depression is starting at the blank white wall in your apartment room waiting for something to happen. Waiting to feel something new. It’s waking up every morning to the sound of your alarm clock, rolling over and thinking ‘Am I suppose to feel happy today?’ I think a lot of the time that I’m just making this up. However, this is a real fear for me. What if I feel like this forever? What if I’m destined to try and explain my blue feelings to others forever.

This is a journey that you don’t just fall into over night. It slowly eats away at you and one day, steals your soul. But there is a ray of hope. You don’t have to live in this darkness forever. The sun will eventually shine again, as long as you keep trying. Keeping your head up is only the beginning of the never ending battle. You need support. Support from others for those days where you just think that you can’t possibly take anymore and then you need support from yourself. The support from yourself is for those days where everyone thinks you’re getting better, but only you truly know that you’re only 5% of the way there. Not only are you the most important person in this journey, but you’re really the only person you can truly count on 100% of the time.

For my babies (who are really babies anymore)  :)

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