Monthly Archives: May 2014

Is It Okay To Be Angry With God?

Is it okay for me to be angry with God????

I find myself asking this question lately. There’s quite a few yes and no’s to me. We’ll go through my long list of pros and cons in a moment, however, I think I should cover why I’m actually upset with God.

These words kept me going during a really hard time. And no truer words have ever been spoken. I am so blessed

Back about a year ago, God had just started me on this entirely new journey in my life. New relationships were forming, I was communicating with someone literally across the world, I was in the process of transferring schools, and I was about to begin the very, very long road to recovery with my eating disorder (which is what I’m still currently embarking on.) I’m not going to go into depth because that would take entirely too much time and it’s very personal. But, all of these things that were happening to me combined, was very taxing and upsetting for me. I suddenly found myself wondering if I was upset…or even, heaven forbid, angry with God. Was I? Am I? What? Is that even okay?

I’ve heard it said time and time again that you should not, could not, would not  in a box with a fox (sorry, I got a little Dr. Seuss there.) But I’ve always heard that you shouldn’t get angry with God. I do understand that, I do. I mean, He was the creator of all things, He created you, He blessed you and He has provided you with everything that you ever had or ever will have. So why in the world would you ever become angry with Him?

Welllll, I’m going to take a step back here. I believe that it is very hard to be completely happy with one person. We are human, we want things and when we don’t get them or when bad things happen to us can we always be expected to say ‘oh, I guess that’s God’s intention, I guess I better just accept it.’ That’s not logical!! Who has ever just out rightly accepted something?!

For a while, I kinda went around kicking myself and telling myself that I was doing everything wrong. Yes, I love God. I do. It wasn’t until I went to one of my very first sessions with my therapist that I felt at ease with what I was going through. I had told her that I was upset with God and I was really angry at Him for giving me- well not giving me-this eating disorder. I felt like it was really unfair. I couldn’t understand why I needed to go through this or this terrible thing needed to happen to me. It’s a painful and confusing thing to go through. I couldn’t decide if I had done something to deserve this eating disorder.

Thankfully, God was looking out for me when He allowed this eating disorder to happen to me though, He provided me with a very strong christian woman to guide me through recovery. She explained to me one day that it was completely fine for me to angry with God. I had justifiable reasoning to be upset with God. I am going through something absolutely painful and personally, I just think it’s okay to be a little upset with God. She explained that God is a big guy and that He can take me being a little upset with Him.

My boyfriend also said something that really helped me when I was telling him about how I was upset/angry with God. He said that as long as I go back and apologize and don’t stay mad at him forever, that it really will be okay.

So, to answer my question at the very beginning, I personally feel that being angry with God is acceptable. Is it something that you should be? No! Absolutely not.  I don’t believe that it is actually something you should strive to be, but I believe that if something extreme happens to you, that it’s acceptable to be upset or angry with God. You just have to keep in mind that God knows what He is doing. He’s got you in the palm of His hand. He knows that He is doing and that if you are truly His child He will lead you in the right direction and carry out His plan for your life.

words print- its ok to get angry with god

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I’m Not A Doll

So, it’s been a rough couple of days for me. Let’s just say I’m having a lot of bad days in a row. A LOT. Last night, my night ended in hyperventilation and sitting on the couch with my daddy and my new puppy. (His name is Pepper by the way. I think he’s super cute.) But I made the mistake of stepping on the scale and thinking that that number somehow defines me. I know that everyone says that it doesn’t, but I just feel like it does. It’s not like I go around judging people by what they look like, because I absolutely do not!!!! But I feel like people do when they look at me! Ugh, what’s my issue? I mean, I pretty much cried all morning today. I’m just in one of those bad ruts I think.

I’ve been on my favorite place lately, pinterest, and I stumbled upon this video of a girl who reads her poem. It’s beautiful. It made me cry when I watched it. It kind of inspired me to write my own poem, although it is not eloquent, eye opening or helpful as hers, it’s the raw words that my own mind has said over the past 72 hours.

These collarbones will never stick out

But it’s not like I’m actually stout

My thighs are too big, they’ll never form that gap

So I guess I’ll need to dwell on being fat

These bones on my wrist, used to let my charm bracelet hang off it

Now these arms seem thick and make me feel sick

“You’re soooo skinny.” “You just need to eat”

“Why do you worry, you live so thin.” “I wish I could be like you.”

Shut up, shut up, you don’t know what it’s like to have these voices talk all the time

The lines in my abs won’t pop out,

I guess everything has just gone south

Those hip bones live under a layer of fat

What are you going to do about that?

Puke, take pills, run like hell, no matter what you’ll  never get that body back

Give up the cake, chips and junk food

Then being skinny will come easier tomorrow

Eat clean, eat right

That’s how you get the right body type

Cry, hyperventilate and fall on the floor

That’s what this has come to, do I even wanna do this anymore?

Can’t my clothes just hand off, my pants be too big, can’t I just be a twig?

These standards of beauty are just too hard and high

How am I suppose to achieve this, I don’t even know how to try

Love Is Kind

Red heart - almost as sweet as saying it - maybe sweeter

Have you ever stopped and pondered how big your-our- God is? When I sit back and think about it, I can’t even begin to fathom how great, mighty and powerful my God is. That being said, I read a post on love, choice and soul mates. Well, I for one, actually believe in the concept of soul mates. Out of the 7 or 8 billion people in the world, I believe that God can have one set person for everyone. I believe that everyone has a person. Who am I to doubt what God can do, such as bringing to two people together as one-hence “soul mates”. Many people say that you can choose who you love, like it’s a choice. As if there are people who are bad for you, good and then best for you. I just don’t agree. I think that God has a person in mind for you. Let’s take Genesis for God’s first example:

“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is right for him.’ So the Lord caused the man to sleep very deeply, and while he was asleep, God removed one of the man’s ribs. The Lord God used the rib from the man to make a woman, and then he brought the woman to the man.” Genesis 2:19,21-22

Here we see God literally went out of his way to create the perfect mate for Adam-Eve. Which to me, constitutes as a soul mate. God wants us to feel love and be in love and experience all of the spectacular things that love has to offer. In order to have this love though, we must have the passion that he displays in Song of Solomon.

Twin flame, Soul mates

Yes, as humans I do suppose that we have a choice in the matter of who we love, but in reality, I believe that God leads us to the person that we are meant to be with. He can lead you across a room, across a state, across the country or even across the world to bring you to the right person.

There are all different types of love in this world. There’s worldly love and Godly love. As people tend to do, they give up on love easily, especially when it’s worldly love, they let people go. They don’t stay and fight. They don’t stick it out together through thick and thin. Even if they have tried their very hardest, however, it still make not work. You can’t “choose” to love someone even if the chemistry just isn’t there. You can’t force the love. You can’t just choose to love someone with all your hard and even when the times get tough and rough try your hardest to make it work. If something is not meant to be, no amount of trying and begging and attempting to work it out will work. Who am I to doubt that God has one person for me? Look at everything He has done in the world. Who am I to doubt? In order for love to work out, you need to have Biblical, Godly love.

1 Corinthians 13 printable I want to print this for our bedroom. It was recited during our wedding ceremony!

In the end though, I strongly, deeply, truly believe that God has a set person for everyone, a soul mate.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Let’s take the idea of running away. For a long while now, I’ve contemplated running away. Not that I know where I would run away to. I often think about going to Ireland, or Disneyworld or someplace magically. But I watched The Wizard of Oz the other night, and that got me thinking….about somewhere over the rainbow.

Cinderella's Castle at Disneyworld - light show for 'A Magical Gathering of Disney Dreams' (Photo by Nick Minore)

There’s a concept; what if there really is a place beyond the rainbow? What if it’s a safe place where there are no troubles? Where they melt like lemon drops? 😉 But just for a second, just a simple second, think about what life would be like if there was a magical place you could go like that? That seems so simple. If all your troubles could just fade away by chasing a rainbow and finding the other side of it. I just love that idea.

Oh, how I love this so.- my favorite movie in the whole wide world

Maybe that’s the whole point of the song or the concept though. Maybe we have to create our own ‘over the rainbow’. We have to come up with a place that makes us feel safe, calm, relaxed and like our troubles can simply melt away. No, we can’t stay over the rainbow forever, but we can spend a little of our time there. If we create our own land of Oz that’s somewhere over the rainbow. We create our own magic.

I happen to love The Wizard of Oz, so that song just hold a special place in my heart. I think the song can be interpreted a number ways, and for me it’s about escaping what my current troubles seem to be.

Quote of "The Wizard of OZ"!!

 

 

Make A Wish

In two  day I’ll be twenty. 20. Two whole decades. I can’t even begin to fathom that. It just seems completely insane. It’s not that I don’t feel old enough for this, it just doesn’t seem real to me. I feel like just yesterday I was playing in the backyard and going over to my grandparents house every single day. Those were the days. I kinda of miss them sometimes but I’ve also learned to love growing up, to embrace it. Coming into my own age and learning to experience all of the new things that the late teens and early twenties has to offer. I’m a little nervous but excited to start this new journey. I’m ready for whatever it has to bring me.

Funfetti Millionaire Cake   - http://dessertideaslove.com/dessert/funfetti-millionaire-cake.html

I’ve also been kind of secretly hoping for something lately. I’ve been hoping that this eating disorder could be considered part of my teens and just magically disappear from my twenties and I’ll be Ed free.  And while this is a very nice wish, I don’t exactly think it’s practical. I’m going to have to work on this thing. I’ve been noticing lately, that my body keeps changing. I’m just telling myself that this is a  product of turning 20 and becoming more of a “woman”. What a strange word. I have to learn how to-not necessarily love my body- but like my body. I have to learn that it’s a part of my but it doesn’t define me.

So, basically, I’m kind of excited or ready to turn another year older.

Happy Happy Birthday by lovelysweetwilliam

Escape This Town For A Little While

treacherous taylor swift lyrics "I'd be smart to walk away, but you're quicksand."

You know, I would be smart to walk away. I’d be smart to walk away from the feelings, from the heartbreak, from the pills, muscle milk, from the tiny amounts of food to the large amounts that are almost too much, from the feelings of depression and wanting to cry. I literally should walk away from it all. But it pulls you back in and drags you down, just like quicksand.

I’ve had this sinking feeling all day. All Day. This feeling of where I could just break into tears any given second. How do you walk around all day like that? How do you tell someone that’s how you feel? I don’t even think I want someone to feel sorry for me. I think that I just want to talk about t. But what am I even supposed to say?

Forever going with flow, but you're friction

“Skin and bones, trained to get along.”

Can I be like that?

“This hope is treacherous, this daydream is dangerous…” (Is the hope of this ‘recovery’ treacherous?)

Love Story | Taylor SwiftCan I escape for a little while? Is there even a place that I can go?

Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone, I keep waiting for you but you never come <3

Sometimes I think that’s just what I want, someone to save me. That’s illogical, however.  That’s not a plausible way to get rid of, or out of this situation. It’s not fair to me or the other person. I can’t rely on someone else to drag me out of this dark hole, or take me out of this place that I’m in. But dammit……somebody just save me. I just…I can’t. I can’t make it all work. I swear not all of the pieces are here or they don’t all fit together to put this broken puzzle back together.

Fade into you - Nashville. I can't really sing so I guess I drew the lyrics

Who Are You?

When I accept myself....

Everybody keeps telling me that “I’m fine.” or “I’m doing great.” How do they know this? Better yet, why do they think this? Am I don’t well? Better? Because, truth be told, I don’t really know that I feel all that different. I don’t think that I feel like I’ve changed, or recovered or rejuvenated or however that I’m supposed to feel. But maybe I’m not going to undergo this dramatic change. Not everyone does. My therapist seems to think that I can just consider myself “in recovery”  and never actually cured. Seeing as there is no actual cure for eating disorders and it’s just something you have to learn to live with and cope with, maybe saying “in recovery” is the correct answer.

Also, on another note, having acceptance of people is something vital to relationships. No matter what type of issue they have. Like for me, the eating disorder doesn’t define me. It just happens to be a large part of my life. Much like a child with Autism, it doesn’t define them, it’s just a part of their every day life. I think that people forget these things easily. They forget that a person is more than their disorder or illness. People are more than their struggles. They are the books they read, their laugh, smile, their favorite foods and t.v. shows, the silly jokes they tell, their favorite scents, even their favorite color. People are their raw emotions and their deepest darkest secrets. Whatever struggle they are living with does not, and will not ever fully define their life. Acceptance is key. Acceptance is key to everything. When someone excepts you fully-exactly as you are- it makes it that much easier to recover, cope or live with your struggle.

You are a thousand things. Love love love.

 

Don’t You, Forget About Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsJHzFDQD4Q

Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world...".  Dare to stand out, to be different.  :)

I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember. The first memories I have of it I was in elementary school writing goofy short stories about my life or poems about nothing. As  got older, I grew into the teenage girl who just wanted someone to fall in love with them, so my writing changed to fit that era of my life. In high school I was involved in UIL where I did a few writing events and apparently I was halfway decent because I won some awards with it. That wasn’t my favorite type of writing though. Creative writing, or like it has been from the beginning for me, has always been first in my heart. As  began the transition from high school to college life my writing, which is a reflection of me, changed once more. Now it reads about eating disorders, fears, depression like symptoms, God, music relations and attempting to figure out what I actually want to do with my life. Basically, the point is, writing-whether it was EVER read by another person or not-has always, always been an outlet. It’s this shining beacon of hope, the last bit of wax burning at the bottom of the candle, the last lamp post left on in a dark, secluded neighborhood, and more often than not, the best way to explain my raw emotions. You want to know me? Read my writing.

Often times lately, I feel lost in the sea of people I actually know that blog. I almost feel passed over, ignored or once again, left out of the special club (which is a recurring theme for me.) Is my writing up to par? Is it up to the same level as the others out there? Does my writing have the same vocabulary, advanced sentence structure, depth, passion and ability to make people feel emotions of empathy, relation or consideration? I see people writing about “world issues”, God and their views on Christianity and all of a sudden, I feel belittled and insignificant. No that blogs are a competitive project; they are literally there for people to read, enjoy and mull over, form their own thoughts and opinions and let the writer freely express their thought that swarm their brain. I think that my fear is that passion and connection to my blog subject and I don’t want to be skimmed over. I know people get sick of hearing about E.D.’s all of the time, but don’t they get sick of other subjects as well? I don’t want to be rejected from people’s reading lists or minds simply because I’m not as popular, attractive, publicized, outspoken or as eloquent a writer as others I know.

I don’t know that it is something I can personally control, however. I think that singular aspect is completely out of my hands. I can’t control God’s plan. I can only control how, what and how often I write. My job isn’t to fret about the readers and how they will feel about my words. My job is to be the writer, to put my thoughts out there in the open. My job is to keep using writing as an outlet and for how it helps me cope with whatever I need it to. I need to keep using writing as a way to express myself. Then, and only then, will it ever make an impact on anyone else.

HONESTLY THOUGH ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES EVER IN EXISTENCE

Fear Foods

IMG_3043

Guess what I had the other day? WHATABURGER CHICKEN STRIPS! I haven’t eaten at Whataburger in at least 3 months, if not longer. I ate them. I actually let myself walk into a fast food restaurant, order a version of fried chicken, the gravy, the fries and the whole nine yards. I did it! I actually did it. Did I feel bad while I ate it? Maybe a little. However, it was almost kind of a joyous experience. For 5 minutes, I had control over what I was eating. I’m sort of proud of myself for this seemingly small accomplishment. Have I spent the last few days trying to reverse the effects that I think the chicken strips have left on my body, well yes, of course I have. I’m me for crying out loud. That’s not the point of eating the chicken strips though. The point of this is I ate them! Do you even have any remote idea of how hard it is for me to eat things  that are “unhealthy” for you? It’s extremely hard! Sometimes I sit and I think about the things that I let myself eat. I honestly eat pretty healthy. It’s a “good” thing I guess but it’s kind of crippling to me and doesn’t really make me happy. Having to go into a restaurant and scour the menu for the healthiest food on the menu isn’t a fun activity. It’s almost embarrassing. Very much so. I was by myself when I ate this meal, which did make it a little easier to consume.

The point is, I ate them. I ate the breaded strips and the french fries. I did it. I’m entirely too excited about this.

As we are in the middle of finals week (and I take a break from looking at Pinterest instead of studying) I’m kind of considering eating here again. I’m not sure if I will, but it’s the thought that counts in this situation, right?

IMG_3050