I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember. The first memories I have of it I was in elementary school writing goofy short stories about my life or poems about nothing. As got older, I grew into the teenage girl who just wanted someone to fall in love with them, so my writing changed to fit that era of my life. In high school I was involved in UIL where I did a few writing events and apparently I was halfway decent because I won some awards with it. That wasn’t my favorite type of writing though. Creative writing, or like it has been from the beginning for me, has always been first in my heart. As began the transition from high school to college life my writing, which is a reflection of me, changed once more. Now it reads about eating disorders, fears, depression like symptoms, God, music relations and attempting to figure out what I actually want to do with my life. Basically, the point is, writing-whether it was EVER read by another person or not-has always, always been an outlet. It’s this shining beacon of hope, the last bit of wax burning at the bottom of the candle, the last lamp post left on in a dark, secluded neighborhood, and more often than not, the best way to explain my raw emotions. You want to know me? Read my writing.
Often times lately, I feel lost in the sea of people I actually know that blog. I almost feel passed over, ignored or once again, left out of the special club (which is a recurring theme for me.) Is my writing up to par? Is it up to the same level as the others out there? Does my writing have the same vocabulary, advanced sentence structure, depth, passion and ability to make people feel emotions of empathy, relation or consideration? I see people writing about “world issues”, God and their views on Christianity and all of a sudden, I feel belittled and insignificant. No that blogs are a competitive project; they are literally there for people to read, enjoy and mull over, form their own thoughts and opinions and let the writer freely express their thought that swarm their brain. I think that my fear is that passion and connection to my blog subject and I don’t want to be skimmed over. I know people get sick of hearing about E.D.’s all of the time, but don’t they get sick of other subjects as well? I don’t want to be rejected from people’s reading lists or minds simply because I’m not as popular, attractive, publicized, outspoken or as eloquent a writer as others I know.
I don’t know that it is something I can personally control, however. I think that singular aspect is completely out of my hands. I can’t control God’s plan. I can only control how, what and how often I write. My job isn’t to fret about the readers and how they will feel about my words. My job is to be the writer, to put my thoughts out there in the open. My job is to keep using writing as an outlet and for how it helps me cope with whatever I need it to. I need to keep using writing as a way to express myself. Then, and only then, will it ever make an impact on anyone else.