“Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”
Have you ever done something you’re kind of ashamed of? I have. Haven’t we all? Have you ever done something that you were ashamed to tell someone? Even out loud to yourself? I have. I did…today.
The thing about people with eating disorders, well, at least me, is that, no matter what you do you never feel like its working or like you’re good enough. Constantly, I have this overwhelming feeling of being inadequate, of being not pretty enough, smart enough, fit enough, healthy enough, happy enough, or kind enough. I go through at least 3 of these cycles throughout the day. Despite anything anyone tells me, I don’t feel good about myself. I could run a marathon and burn allllll of those calories and still feel like I didn’t work hard enough and that I could’ve done more.
Anyways, back to that horrible thing that I didn’t want to tell anyone today. I ate dinner, felt terrible, like I always do; then I traveled into the bathroom….and well I’m sure your imagination can take you to the correct place on this one. For the first time, in my entire life, throughout my entire journey with this torturous eating disorder, I threw up my food for the actual first time. It wasn’t all of it, just a little bit, but nevertheless I did it. It didn’t make me feel better. It didn’t make me feel worse either. It didn’t make me feel anything. I just feel like I’m anything. I’m feel like I’m not worth it to some people.
I’m not a stupid girl. Don’t think that. I know that it’s not the ideal way to lose weight; I know it’s completely absurd. I know that it’s stupid and that people die from it. I don’t plan on doing it all the time. I don’t. I just thought, that in that moment, that it might alleviate some of the pain. It doesn’t.