Monthly Archives: July 2014

Nightmares

I know that I’m not the only person that has ever had a nightmare. Now normally, I’d say that I have a tendency to have some pretty odd, off the wall dreams, but they are hardly ever actually scary. However, for two nights in a row, I had nightmares. Well, for most people they probably wouldn’t be considered a nightmare but for me, these are my literal worst nightmares.

I’ve been having eating disorder nightmares the past couple of nights. I’m not even sure why. They are pretty weird too. One of them I have kind of being chased by a cloth tape measure and the other I had passed out or was about to pass out because I hadn’t eaten enough, or something along those lines.

They weren’t very pleasant dreams, but nevertheless, they happened. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before. It was a very strange experience for me. I was really glad when I woke up the next morning and was very thankful that those were just dreams. I don’t think that I ever want either of those to come true.

Sadly this seems to be my life lately. Tired, no that's not the right term for how I feel, more like FATIGUE. I swear this disease is getting worse. At least a year ago my meds gave me energy and I could do things before I became worn out. FUCK YOU Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy!!!!!!

I’ve been having a rough time lately. But I’m only allowing myself to work out a little at a time and reminding myself that school starts again soon and I can go back in to counseling and that my goal is to be healthy. I don’t need to be a size zero. Because after all, zero is not a size.

The famous '0 is not a size' shirt :) how does she look so gorgeous so dressed down?? #unfair #luvmisssophiabush

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Anxiety Jeans

I’m been having quite few bad/off days lately and for a while, I couldn’t put my finger on what was bothering me so much. Well, aside from the fact that I literally have on going battle and a long road to full recovery, I decided that it had to do with this upcoming weekend. Now, don’t laugh when you read this. Pretty please. One word, 5 letters.

PANTS.

This weekend it is my hometowns rodeo, and I usually go, which isn’t that big of a deal. I mean, it’s just a rodeo, what’s the big deal right? And what do pants have to do with anything? Good question, I’m sooo glad you asked. Well, normal people that don’t think about food, body image and how others perceive them every second  don’t even think twice about putting on their clothes. To them putting on their pants is merely another step to getting ready for the day or whatever event they go to. For me though, pants are apart of a very scary thing to me. It scares me to even think about the idea of putting these pants on in 3 days. I have actually purposely been avoiding wearing jeans for months now. I love these jeans that I own, they just put this gigantic shock wave of fear pulsing throughout my body.

Find These At Missme.com And Some Western Stores Near You!

 I feel so incredibly silly saying that I have this fear of my own blue jeans! It sounds goofy. This is a legitimate fear for me though. For me to put these pants on is a huge step. I’m going to do it, so there are no worries there, but it’s going to take a huge amount of effort. I’m going to take control of those jeans, pull them on and show them who is really the boss here. I can do this.

Here’s my final point I want to make. Let’s all remember to think before we speak please. It’s such a true statement that you never truly know what is going through a person’s mind. They could be stressing over their job, their relationship, money, or having thoughts that they simply aren’t good enough to be in those blue jeans they have on. Just remember, everyone is going through something, whether they look like it or not; because not everyone actually looks like they are suffering from an eating disorder.

So very very true. I always try to choose my words so as not to seem like I don't care or that they don't understand. To those fighting your silent battles, be strong :) you will conquer all things!

Flawed People

http://mytinysecrets.com/you-say-flawed-he-says-sexy-what-men-really-think-about-your-body/

I was reading this the other day after it was sent to me. I’ve read something similar to this before but I can’t exactly remember it. Anyways, I was reading this and tears started to build up in my eyes (if you haven’t caught on by now, I’m a pretty big crier). I’ve read before that men don’t see your body they way that you do at all. They only see the parts that make you “unique” and “you”. Is that true? Like do men really think that or is that just something people say to self conscious women to make them feel better and shut up about their insecurities? Or do people really think that way? Because if they do, that might make me feel a thousand times better.

There is no such thing as perfect and you should strive to develop an attitude of gratitude to make all those around you feel loved.

I think that I just wished that we lived in the world where people-both women and men alike-didn’t have to constantly live in comparison to other people. I know that I personally compare myself to other women all the time. And I know that’s dumb and you shouldn’t keep doing that because ‘you’re only hurting yourself’. I can’t help it though. It just seems to keep coming back and keep playing over and over again. …….yay……

Back to my point though, this article enlightened me. Whether this has any truth to it or not, it made me feel better for 5 whole minutes.

"Riser" -Dierks Bentley

Lover, Crier, Fighter, Riser

The first time I ever heard the song Riser by Dierks Bentley I knew it was immediately meant for me. It was meant to give me inspiration, hope and the courage to pursue what I wanted. Special, really special. It talks about being someone who risers against all odds, through the difficult times, through all of the doubters, disbelief and constant lies that tell you your dream is not achievable.

I’m a riser.

I’m a riser
I’m a get up off the ground, don’t run and hider
Pushing comes a-shovin’
Hey I’m a fighter
When darkness comes to town, I’m a lighter

I think that you have to be your own hero, your own riser. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t find someone else that can be a riser for you as well. Because I sincerely believe that everyone needs another person to lean on. No matter how much you try, how much you wish, or how much everyone says you just need yourself, a support system is necessary. You need someone else to lift you up and say you can do it because there are going to be those days where you just cannot do it alone.

I’m a fighter.

Lay your pretty head down on my shoulder
You don’t have to worry anymore
This old world is cold and getting colder
And I know how to lock and bolt the door

I’m strong enough to hold you through the winter
Mean enough to stare your demons down

This song makes me cry when I listen to it.  I can probably turn just about any song I listen to into a song about me and my ed. But honestly, it didn’t take much effort with this one. It grabs a hold of my heart, grips it from the very first words to the uttering of the last and simply makes me feel like it gets me. It gets what I’m experiencing  and it 100% understands how I feel. And I think that the song is says that it’s okay for me to rely on other people to help me sometimes. It’s telling me that sometimes you simply can’t do it on your own.

Bottom line is, this song is really important to me and teaches me a lesson of sorts. No matter what ed and the world are throwing at me, I have to keep doing this, I have to keep being a fighter, I have to keep being a riser.

I’m A Trier

 

Love yourself! @brittany valania <3

Have you ever had to restrain yourself from throwing up? Well, actually for me, look it up. I mean, I know how to and all, I just can’t ever make myself actually do it, or perfect that are. Yeah, yeah, “that’s bad for you”, “don’t do that”, “that’s self harm”. Blah, blah,  blah. I’ve heard all of that before. I get it. Thanks so much for contributing to the “love yourself as you are” party.

EDNOS, or 'eating disorder not otherwise specified,' affects 24 million Americans. EDNOS is dangerous, because its unknown to some, and easily overlooked, Those with EDNOS show signs of bulimia and anorexia, where their symptoms are the same, but don't fully meet the full criteria of those disorders.'A lot of people think - just because you don't meet the weight criteria, "Oh, you don't have an eating disorder."' People get caught up in physical appearance which can't reveal the real suffering -

It’s like no matter what I do nothing works. Being around people, eating what they eat, acting like they act, nothing. It just doesn’t work. Wanna help me out here? Like seriously, I literally cannot do this. I recently got…well…in a fight I guess about having this insecurity/eating disorder/craziness going around in my head. I don’t have a handle on this. No matter how much you think I do. When I get oddly quiet for myself, you should probably be concerned. I’m sitting in that chair there thinking about it. I’m sitting next to you on the couch thinking about it. I’m laying in bed at night thinking about it. Thankfully I haven’t dreamed about it. It eats away at me, day after day, night after night, hour after hour. I’d say I need help but I swear that doesn’t even seem to be working. Am I to damaged to help?  Beyond the point of repair? Am I at that point where nobody even cares that it upset me anymore? If there was a magic pill, believe me, I’d take it in a heartbeat. But there isn’t.

Love Yourself First | LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. | via Tumblr | We Heart It

But in my car ride home today, I found myself grasping at the fat at my body, over analyzing my legs thinking about everything I couldn’t eat and every way I could avoid eating. I was with my friends tonight and they always manage to comment on how much I didn’t eat or how I need to eat more. I don’t think they truly comprehend the condition. Then again, I don’t really plan to go into explaining what’s going on in my mind and with my body.

I think that I just have this overwhelming feeling that nobody is going to think I’m pretty. I guess that’s irrational considering there is literally and infinite amount of people with allllllll different body types on this planet. At the end of the day, at least one person will find something beautiful about them. I’ve also heard it said that beauty is only skin deep and it’s really the type of person that you are that makes you truly beautiful. If you’re heart is beautiful then it flows from the inside out and allows you to glow and shine on the outside. That’s the goal here. It’s the ultimate finish line. We’ll get there….eventually.

This is for any recovery... a bad relationship, abuse, violence, eating disorders, etc. Recovery is never easy, but we hope and pray that in the end, we get there, and its worth it in the end.

Words of truth. We can find the way forward if we listen to our hearts and learn to change our thoughts. #inspirational #quote #recovery

When You’re Broken

I think that it must be a daily requirement for me to feel like complete crap at the end of the day. I’m not really sure why it is, but it sure seems to be. I mean, I know you’re supposed to take everything day by day but I’ve just about it had with all of that.

It’s like this quote from Wintergirls, and as much as I know I wish there was and everyone else, there’s no magic cure for this.

Eating disorders quote: There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore.   www.HealthyPlace.com

I’m sitting here tonight going through all of these really old CD’s because I’m driving to Houston tomorrow and well, it’s  long trip and I need some decent music. I came across the Broken Bridges soundtrack, you know, that movie with Toby Keith. In the movie, the girl who play’s Toby’s daughter ends up getting beat by her boyfriend and then she and her father end up writing a song together. Say what you will about this movie, the acting and the plot, but if there’s one good thing that came from this movie it’s the song Broken by Lindsey Haun.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_O3GZmspnE

I didn’t understand it the first times I watched it, but a few years later, I was able to begin to relate the song to my life( and if you haven’t figured it out by now, my ed).

“When you’re broken in a million little pieces 
And you’re trying but you can’t hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don’t you stop believing in yourself”

Anytime that I hear a song that I can relate to my ed I can hardly make it through the song without a big lump coming up in my throat and me holding the tears back. This song isn’t any different for me. She’s literally singing about how she’s broken-well how she was-and that’s a very real concept to me. I have to come to terms with the fact that I am, in fact broken. Every tear falls down for a reason? I guess so.

“Hitting walls and getting scars 
Only makes you who you are”

You are who you are because of the experiences that you go through. Every scar you have is the product of something you experienced and it’s something that makes you different from everyone else. That’s just like me and this journey that I’m going through makes me different from anyone else. Nobody else can say that they’ve walked down my same road, only similar.

broken lyrics lindsey haun | music # broken # broken bridges # words

I think that I can say that I experience heartbreak at least once a day. And if being broken over and over makes you who you are, I’m a step closer every single day. I also believe that you can’t be broken forever though. At some point, “every piece will find it’s place” and come back together to recreate you as a whole person once more.

Bottom line is, I love this song. I’ve always loved this song. I love how it makes me feel slightly sad but a thousand times better by the time we come to the end of it. It gives off a sense of empowerment and gives me hope at the end that I’m eventually going to get better. I have to.

Battlefield

Stillbirth, stillborn, pregnancy loss, infant loss, misscarriageHave you ever wonder what it would be like to be inside someone else’s mind? To know all their thoughts, the way they process things, the way they feel about others, but most importantly, how they think and speak to themselves? Okay, maybe that last part is just me. I wonder that all the time. How do others speak and perceive themselves? Do they constantly beat themselves up? Continuously tell themselves they aren’t good enough? Do they even feel bad about anything to eat? I don’t have all the answers to any of those questions, I only know what I think and what my own personal experience is.

Today, I wanted to eat Rosa’s for lunch, so I did. When I walked into that restaurant, I told myself that I wasn’t going to feel bad about what I was eating and for three whole minutes, I believed myself.  But as soon as I held that to go bag in my hand, I knew that everything I had just tried to prepare myself for was about to happen.  I was about to eat my lunch, and literally, as I was in the process of eating it, I was going to feel bad about it. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to fix that feeling that I have right now. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do at this moment that are going to take this pain and heaviness I’m feeling on my heart right now and make it go away. I guess I can try, but I don’t even know where to begin, which is the problem I come to the majority of the time.

Glee | Quote

There’s some days, where I can handle anything that this ed wants to throw at me, and then there’s others, where I eat a cracker or drink some water and I just want to die because I blew my whole entire eating plan. Don’t ask me  how I have either of these days, because if I knew I’m completely eliminate one from my life. But that’s not how it is. That’s not how it is for my life. I live in  world where beauty and looks are what everyone values. However, I was reading the Bible the other day, and I know this verse to be true already, but 1 Peter 3:3-4 says that it’s not your outward appearance that should validate you and make you who you are as a person, but the person that you are on the inside who should define who you are.

Scripture Art Bible Verse Art Faith Based Art 1 by faithforward, $39.00

Glee

Make You Notice

This stands true for me since i've shut down from people, i feel more confident without their negative vibes bringing me down. I was tired of being excluded, and looked down on all while being friendly, polite, & supportive. I'm much more confident now. Self respect has taken away the insecurities. I'm also getting a very sharp intuition as i get older that i listen very closely to.

Yes, confidence is completely silent and it’s true that the opposite of that, insecurity, is extremely loud. They scream in your head, over and over again, telling you that you’re simply not good enough. For me, they are they quite often. Most of the time, I’m pretty good at keeping them under control or quieter, but there’s just some days that I tend to need more reassurance from another person. Well, one person in particular. I know, I know, you don’t need another person to validate your existence. Yeah, yeah. Sure you don’t. Of course you don’t. You can be happy all on your own and give yourself your own meaning, purpose and fulfill your own confidence. This is just my personal opinion, but I think that you’re lying to yourself if you say that you never ever need reassurance from another person. I think that everyone does no matter who you are. Every once and a while, you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to doubt your talents, your purpose, what you look like and the path you have chosen for yourself. Every once and a while, you need someone to tell you that you’re just fine how you are and they love you just the same. For me, every once and a while, I need someone to tell me they think I look pretty in this outfit I’m wearing.

Imperfection By Skillet

Maybe I’m not in a normal situation. I’m going through this whole recovery journey, and it’s really hard for me. I feel guilty, I feel normal, I feel great, I feel sad, I feel happy, and then the whole thing starts back over again. It’s an emotional roller coaster that I’m trying to very hard to get off of. And I think that because I’m on this journey, that I need more reassurance that some people. Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe I’m ridiculous for wanting someone to tell me that I’m doing everything just fine.

Don’t get me wrong, I know who I am as a person. It took me a really long time to get to this point, but I know who I am now. That was a very long process. I know what I want to do with my life. I don’t need anyone to validate me on either of these things. But is it really so wrong to want to be told that no matter how my body changes and no matter what I look as long as I am still me that you’re still going to love me? I don’t think its unreasonable.

Damn right.... Something I need to yell out often. To remind myself I am a good person and i do deserve the best

I’m not going to apologize for having insecurities however. Now, I know that might seem wrong, but I’m not. These insecurities are a part of me and help mold me into the person I am.

This is who I am. I have insecurities. I need you to say I’m okay. I need a little reassurance every now and again. I know that’s a hard concept for some people to understand, but with me, trying to get better, I think that it helps sometimes.

Bring Me Black Roses

“You can throw your words,
sharper than a knife…”

Those are the words in the first verse of “Black Roses” by Scarlett O’Conner, or Clare Bowen of ABC’s Nashville. While on the show she writes the song about her terrible relationship with her mother, I-of course- relate the song to none other than my ed.

“Now you only bring me black roses,
and they crumble into dust when they’re held
Now you only bring me black roses,
under your spell…”

The first time I heard this song in it’s full entirety, tears welled up in my eyes and I had to try my hardest not to cry. I happened to be in a room with a bunch of people and I do enough crying so I really didn’t need them to see me cry more than I already do. But I felt this way, because I finally got to hear someone else struggle with something so deep and so dark that they can actually make me feel the same pain that they feel; which happens to be the same pain I feel because of my eating disorder. I’m under Ed’s spell. I really, truly am. I have to learn how to break free.

“Now you only bring me black roses,
and they crumble into dust when they’re held
Now you only bring me black roses,
under your spell…”

When I’m belting this song out at the top of my lungs in my car I literally feel like I’m screaming and yelling at Ed for what he has done to me and how he has made me feel. I’m telling Ed that he’s not good for me, that he clouds my eyes with lies, and that he fills my head with ugly pictures of myself. He’s an awful, terrible, horrible,  person. Who does that to another person?! Who crawls into someone’s personal thoughts and repeatedly says ‘you’re not good enough’, ‘you’re wrong’, or ‘you’re never going to be pretty’? Ed does, that’s who.

“And I’m done trying to be the one picking up the broken pieces, and I’m done trying to be the one who says I love you dear but I’m leaving…”

I’m done. 

I’m done picking up the pieces of myself. Over and Over and Over and Over again. 

Because I literally cannot do this to myself anymore. I can’t feel back anymore. It’s painful. It takes from my joy. It physically pains my heart. Don’t I deserve to be happy? I think I do. And that’s all that truly matters doesn’t it?

“Now you only bring me black roses but I’m not under your spell
I’m not under your spell, I’m not under your spell, I’m not under your spell, I’m not under your spell…”

In Her Simple Little Way

A Thing About You - Hunter Hayes

I go through a lot of these emotions throughout the week. Many times they range from self loathing, self love and then finally a tiny smidgen of self acceptance. Sometimes in the middle of the day, I find myself saying, ‘don’t worry about what other people think you look like. You have to accept yourself.’ Blah, blah, blah. Sure those  words are good, pure and they pave a road filled with wonderful intentions, but do I really, fully, truly believe that???

I know that I talk about embracing yourself and all your imperfections, but the truth is, currently that’s my journey and what I’m currently trying to tackle. I’m trying to be a girl..err woman (I am 20 after all)..that doesn’t require validation from anyone whether it be men, friends, instragram or any person other than me. That’s an extremely difficult concept for me to wrap my mind around. For most people, I believe that its completely normal for people want to be told that they look nice. But for me, I’m trying to shy away from that. Because I have this horrendous crippling eating disorder, I’m trying to do this whole self acceptance angle.  I’m trying my very, very best.

I just want to prove Ed wrong. That’s all. I want him to be gone, once and for all.

Proved You Wrong- Cassadee Pope

We just need to be………..

Miranda Lambert lyrics