Last week was my first week back at school…oh the joy. I haven’t had time to go back my counselor’s office, nor have I really decided what I want to do when it comes to that department. I decided that the best method to her know that I did survive my summer classes and didn’t die from excessive work overdose 😉 that I would just send her an email. Now, this summer has been interesting to me. I think that this summer was the first in a very long time I haven’t felt like I was trapped with this ED or like it’s controlling my life the entire summer. So, well, I pretty much said that in my email. Keeping it simple. I also told her that this summer has been another first for me…this is muchhhhhh more important than what I just said. I told her that after a whole year of therapy and even the whole summer, that I think that I finally can consider myself “in recovery”. That may not seem like much to you, but it really it. It’s the ultimate goal for me and I assume for many others burdened with eating disorders.
I’m not saying that I don’t have bad days, because I definitely do.
However, I am saying that I do, in fact, feel more “okay” about myself. I don’t feel “good” or “great” yet, and maybe I never will. I’m just not sure; I’m not to that point in my recovery process or life so how could I even fathom what it’s going to be like down the road????? Right now I’m just pretty pleased with the fact that I’m not flinging myself on the bathroom tile and crying, or stabbing my fingernails into my upper thighs while I cry or try to prevent the crying. I don’t have a fear of breaking down in the middle of class or having to refrain from interjecting my opinion because it wouldn’t be exactly what somebody wants to hear. I’ve come a long way in the past year and a half y’all.
But what my therapist said probably helped me more than what I typed out:
I loved that she was just so ecstatic for me!! That’s exactly what I needed and her quote that she gave me made me feel even better. It made me feel like I was doing something right and like I had been actually working hard enough to achieve something.
These days, I’m really really thankful for those who help me through this.