Or simply put, change.
It was recently pointed out to me the other day that I’m pretty open about my eating disorder. I’m gonna go ahead and assume that it’s a positive comment. It got me thinking, I didn’t used to be that way. In the very beginning I was really reserved. Literally, only family and 2 maybe 3 people outside of that knew what I was going through. Even when I first started my blog I hadn’t posted it on my own personal social media so that people who even kind of knew me could see what I think and feel. Even in early/middle of October I still hadn’t really let on to many people that I was going through this terrible time in my life. However, it was around that time that I decided that I wanted to speak to the youth about my personal struggle and how you have to be careful about what you say to others. But there is a reason I’m open now. I know that I always wished for someone to help me while I was going through this. If I can help someone, help them understand, by simply putting it out there how I feel, how I think and it would impact them in a positive way, why wouldn’t I do that?
Anyways, this morning I was jamming out to some old school T-Swift when Change came on my radio. You should’ve seen me in the car. I’m pretty sure I was doing some entertaining dancing. I don’t even care! In the moment, all I’m experiencing what it felt like for 3 minutes to be free. Literally all I thought about when that song was playing was me and my recovery and how you have to fight to get through it. You literally have to fight tooth and nail, use your fingernails and claw and crawl your way to the top.
“We’re faster and never scared”
Recovery is a really scary and serious process. You already feel a whirlwind of emotions constantly, and sitting in therapy only brings the nasty and negative thoughts to the surface. When I started out, I wasn’t sure I wanted to do this. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be “The Kairos without the eating disorder”. I didn’t want to be better. I was absolutely terrified, and rightfully so. I was afraid to find out who I was without my eating disorder or without it constantly breathing down my neck and over analyzing my every waking move. I had this giant misconception though. I was under the impression that once you enter recovery the eating disorder, negative thoughts and self loathing magically disappear and you become a totally new person. Wrong. So Wrong. I don’t believe that for a second. Yes, you do change, but not the the way I was originally thinking. I’m still the same person. I still have some negative thoughts, they just aren’t as dark or frequent. That’s always going to be a major part of me. It doesn’t erase or become invisible, which is something I thought was going to happen. My eating disorder will always be a part of my life history and why I do some of things I do, but I don’t have to be chained to being “The girl with the eating disorder”.
There comes a point where things ‘change’.
There comes a point where ‘the walls they put up fall down’.
There comes a point where coming into the slightest, tiniest bit of recovery makes you a ‘champion tonight’.