Monthly Archives: October 2014

Halloween Is…..SOOOO Fun (Eye Roll)

So, that “Bad Day” song that used to come on the radio all the time? Yeah, it should really come one more often. On second thought, I really don’t like that song. It’s something about the way it sounds. Anyways, it would’ve been a perfect theme song to this week. To add on to that thought, it’s Halloween. Just my all-time favorite day (sarcasm at it’s finest, yes.) I wasn’t bothered this morning or at all really literally up until about 10 minutes ago.

Eating disorders quote: You Can't Weigh Beauty.

I’ve seen girls half dressed before, I mean it shouldn’t really be a big deal. It just happens to be when certain people show up on your Instagram or you know, any other place. I see these picture of these girls and they just look better than you and suddenly you’re sucked into the vortex of everything you need to fix and change and do better than what they are doing or…..I’m getting carried away so I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to say at this point. The train of thought has been derailed. But crying is a definite possibility right now. I just don’t even know. I just feel……….weird. I just haven’t felt bad like that in a little while. I mean, if you ever wanted to feel bad about yourself, apparently today is that day.

Little Mermaid - Homemade Halloween Costume for Adolescents/Adults. Too cute, wish I had more time to do this!

Being hotter than actual Disney princesses. TSM.

I mean, whatever happened to dressing like this:

Work Appropriate Halloween Costumes You know, with all your clothes on?

Now I remember however, aside from the scary movies and scary costumes and people acting ridiculous I remember why I hate this day. Thanks girls. (Not that it’s even y’all’s fault. Haha.)

I know places

Band-aids Don’t Fix Bullet Holes

This quote can apply to all of us. It is so true though!

There’s all kinds of rapid heart beats. The sweaty palms, Christmas morning, falling in love and crossing the finish line of your latest achievement. The two types that I think are most prominent though, is the rapid heart beat of excitement and the rapid heart beat of your absolute worst fear.

Sitting at a table with two people to my left and one to my right, it seemed like an ordinary class day. I’m an education major so I take all sorts of classes. In this class, we are currently discussing nutrition, a subject already touchy for me. I figured it was going to be fine, I mean, it’s about kids. How back could this be? Bad. Very bad. Things are about to take a turn for the worst.

Now, back to these three people I’m sitting with. I know them, we’re friends, but they know nothing about e.d. Nobody really does, nor should they. As the professor starts class, all of us are about to be asked to do something nobody in the class wants to do. As the professor goes on ranting about obesity I’m already cringing and sliding down in my seat. She’s lost my interest and my heart is already beating abnormally. Then, I hear a dreaded sentence that evokes fear in me. I can feel my heart beat speeding up, my hands shake and I’m almost certain my face is pale. Let’s hope nobody notices. “Go to the BMI website on your ipad and go ahead and calculate your BMI.”

Wait. Stop. Pause. Slow Down.

Who in their right mind would do this? Who’s ever okay with this?! I watch as the whole room clicks open the screen and does what they were asked, as I sit still, angry beyond belief and trying to distract myself. I hear the girl cry out at the table behind me, upset about her own BMI being too high. Exactly why this assignment was absurd. Thank goodness it wasn’t for a grade and she didn’t notice I didn’t participate.

I felt completely blindsided by this. I suddenly felt like everyone was analyzing me, my professor mostly. I wanted to punch her. I know, that’s a little extreme, maybe just throw my pen at her. Definitely give her a gigantic piece of my mind and a little insight into how that assignment made me feel.

Bullet hole in the chest. Gasping for air. Faded eyes and pale face. 

I did not appreciate that.

Escape The Woods

It's like the scene from Beauty and the Beast when Belle's father takes the wrong turn!

Are we out of the woods yet?

It’s a funny thing being in recovery. It’s funny how I often find myself being completely on top of things with ed and other times in a complete power struggle. I’ll find myself utterly fine with eating a cheeseburger one week and the next week just in tears for eating subway. Sometimes I’m really really proud of myself and my body and I’ve got this empowered outlook of that ‘I am a woman’ type thing. For me, this just reminds me that every time I struggle, I’m dragged back into the woods kicking and screaming and clawing at the dirt trying not to be sucked back in. It just reminds me that I’m never fully ‘out of the woods’.

Are we out of the woods yet?

Are we out of the woods yet?

The question really is not however, ‘are we out of the woods yet?’ but whether or not we will ever be out of the woods. While I never forget my struggle to win war with myself, I think that other people do. I think that seeing me be in a good place for a prolonged period of time put them in complete distress and confusion when they somehow see me break down. The question always asked is ‘I thought you were doing better?’ or the ever popular ‘I thought this was over?’ or quite possibly my favorite, ‘I forgot because you haven’t said anything in so long’. I don’t think you can ever stop being sensitive to the issue.

Are we out of the woods yet?

Are we in the clear yet?

I’m not a broken piece of glass though. I’m not a china doll with a painted on porcelain face. You don’t have to tiptoe around my broken and fractured pieces, you just have to handle with care. Be gentle, because I’m fragile. We all are. That’s the nature of humans. While I learned not to let so many things trigger me or bother me as much, occasional comments do upset me.  can’t help or control that.

Are we in the clear yet?

Are we in the clear yet?

I’m trying to remember that recovery is always an ongoing process. I don’t know that we will ever be ‘out of the woods’, be we can always try. In the beginning, my woods used to be dark, creepy and lonely. Now, there’s just a little ray of golden sunlight, the kind just before the sun goes down.

Are we out of the woods yet?

Are we out of the woods?

Are we in the clear yet?

Are we in the clear yet?

The clear yet? Good.

Photographer taron22

Haters Gonna Hate

I have a few things I’ve been thinking about lately but just haven’t had the time to get on here.

  1. Miranda Lambert’s weight loss
  2. Taylor Swift new cd

Miranda Lambert - Platinum  You can download it legally and for free from Freegal. #libraryfreespot

Now y’all, please, please, PLEASE don’t take what I am about to say the wrong way. I love Miranda Lambert, I do. However, in my opinion, she’s sold out. I mean, sure I guess she’s still the same old Miranda, (like I know her right?) But, speaking as someone who has eating/weight issues I feel like I have a different perspective on her weight loss. Not that she doesn’t look spectacular, but I can’t help but think she looks like a bobble head. There is a huge difference between losing weight and losing too much weight-take it from someone who knows- and I feel as if she’s in the “too much” category. I’m not going to deny her the privilege of losing weight, if she wanted to that’s her own prerogative! I think she’s happy with her end product and is proud of her accomplish, as she should be! People are going to love her regardless of whether she’s a size 4 or a size 8 or 10 or whatever. I just feel like she took it too far. But like I said, speaking as someone who constantly evaluates other’s weight appearance- I TOTALLY TOTALLY do not do that on purpose, it just happens- I just feel like it’s too much weight lost. Miranda is absolutely gorgeous, the way she was BEFORE and the way she is NOW. I’m definitely not saying she needs to change. I know there’s an extreme amount of pressure once you are in the spotlight and people are constantly picking and criticizing what you look like. I’m still going to like her and I’m still going to listen to the music she makes because I firmly believe that a person is not solely what they look like, but the type of individual they are on the inside. Okay…mini rant over.

Love this!

miranda lambert before and after weight loss

NEXT!!! Taylor Swift’s new CD, 1989 comes out in 2 WHOLE WEEKS!!!!!!!!! Everyone please brace yourself for many Taylor related posts, songs and well….my slight obsession with her. Don’t hate me.

Oh wait…”hater’s gonna hate hate hate..but I’m just gonna shake shake shake.”

Shake it off - Taylor Swift

P.S. I’m currently listening to a potential one.