Monthly Archives: November 2014

Thanksgiving Owl…I Mean Turkey!

Soooooo…..Thanksgiving….my old enemy, we meet again. Here we are again, it’s this time of year. I completely dread this time of year, but I know that so so many people love it! And that’s fantastic! Don’t get me wrong, I love  it too. I absolutely LOVE Christmas and the feeling of fall and Thanksgiving. It’s an amazing feeling that you can only get from certain times. It’s the only time I ever get this unique feeling and I simply cherish it.

That being said, I hate one teeny, tiny aspect of it. (I’m sure most people love it. People are literally walking around asking if you are going to eat too much. Like….what????!?) I Hate The Eating Part. HATE IT. I find it absurd and I hate that their is an entire holiday focused on eating. Whatever happened to being thankful, truly thankful. It’s a time to be thankful for EVERYTHING that you have (food included, I guess). Everything from your family, job, food, home, friends, dogs, freedom, willingness of a person to go to an unknown country and protect a person they don’t even know, anything you can think of. I think that’s the beautiful part of Thanksgiving. That’s what I remember. That’s what I hold in my heart that day. That’s what I hope everyone else thinks of. I block out the food and the questions about college and overall irritating questions from eager but loving relatives. That’s what the day is about. 

Thanksgiving Owls http://www.misskatecuttables.com/products/thanksgiving/freebie-of-the-day-thanksgiving-owls.php

Second of all, my ED makes holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving harder than they really should be, and probably way more difficult than they are for someone who doesn’t suffer from this burden. Because literally anytime I start to think that ED is gone, or less, or…a word I can’t describe. He comes creeping back in. He makes me day horrible. He makes me irritated beyond belief.  He opens up old wounds, peels off the old band-aid and allows the blood to come oozing out. He doesn’t care that it hurts. He doesn’t care that he causes pain. He DOES NOT care that this is a holiday to be happy and thankful and of celebration. Those feeling simply aren’t in his repertoire. Ed stabs you in the back, the front, the side basically anyplace he can jab his words.

“Salt in the wound like you’re laughing right at me.”

Bad blood taylor swift lyrics

But, this year, I’m trying something new. I’m trying to focus on all that I have to be THANKFUL for. Because there is honestly so so so very much that I have to be thankful for that quite frankly outranks and surpasses Ed. Why do I choose to burden myself with something that only causes me great pain? Well, I can’t always help that, but I can help the fact that I can channel all of my energy this holiday season into cherishing precious and few moments, and when I become overwhelmed with food and body image issues (WHICH I WILL. NO DOUBT.) I can take a breath, and remember that the people I’m choosing to celebrating with love me, and I don’t have to constantly live in anguish over what I currently look like in my clothes.

Thanking Jesus for who He is and all He does really helps my heart when Im overwhelmed.

10 Maya Angelou Quotes That'll Make You Love Life and Get Sh*t Done | Women's Health Magazine

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Positivity Is Always Welcome

So yesterday, I was browsing Yahoo! like I usually do when I stumbled upon these 3 articles that interested me.

  1. Even Taylor Swift Isn’t Safe From Body Shaming-  https://www.yahoo.com/style/taylor-swift-looks-so-much-like-a-supermodel-that-102535446423.html
  2. Hilary Duff Tells Health Magazien She Was ‘Way Too Skinny’ As A Teen- http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/13/hilary-duff-skinny_n_6152136.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592
  3. Demi Lovato Slams Meghan Trainor After Eating Disorder Remarks- http://www.celebuzz.com/2014-11-13/megahn-trainor-demi-lovato-eating-disorders/

So, what do all of these articles have in common? The fact that they are stars either trying to promote positive body image or talk about the fact we should stop body shaming. Let’s start with the first.

  • The first is about poor Taylor Swift and how no matter how good she looks, somebody is always going to say that some part of her isn’t good enough. Some famous person decided to say that she ‘needed to get a booty’ like really? Who’s business is that? Pretty sure just Taylor’s. That’s how it is for all people though. There’s always someone who doesn’t think you’re good enough. There’s a quote from Taylor that I just read the other day that I think is fitting.

“If we continue to show young girls that they are being compared to other girls, we’re doing ourselves a huge disservice as a society,” Swift states. “I surround myself with smart, beautiful, passionate, driven, ambitious women. Other women who are killing it should motivate you, thrill you, challenge you and inspire you rather than threaten you and make you feel like you’re immediately being compared to them.”

shake it off performance - her outfit is like the 1989 version of the sparks fly dress and I love it

  • When I was a kid I used to watch Lizzie McGuire ALL THE TIME. I loved that show and I totally loved Hilary Duff. Even after her Disney Channel years I still continued/continue to love her. I never even thought anything of her weight. However, in her later year I did notice she was like superrrrr skinny. Probably not healthy. But I absolutely love what she said in this article.

“When I was 17, I weighed, like, 98 pounds. I was totally obsessed with everything I put in my mouth. I was way too skinny. Not cute. And my body wasn’t that healthy — my hands would cramp up a lot because I wasn’t getting the nutrition I needed. That constant pressure of wanting something different than I had? I regret that. I feel like there was way too much time spent thinking about that.”

Skinny Minnie

Best Dressed: Hilary Duff (September 2013)

  • Finally the Meghan Trainor incident. During an interview she was talking about her songs ‘All About That Bass’. At first she talked about how she grew up and how her parents fed her and then how once someone told her she would look better if she was 10 pounds lighter. Then she goes on to say something pretty offensive.

“I wasn’t strong enough to have an eating disorder. I tried to go anorexic for a good three hours. I ate ice and celery, but that’s not even anorexic. And I quit. I was like, ‘Ma, can you make me a sandwich? Like, immediately.'”

Enter Demi Lovato who went on this fairly epic twitter rant about how eating disorders aren’t choices and it’s NEVER about having the ‘strength’ to have anorexia or bulimia. It’s a REAL mental disorder and anyone who has is suffers tremendously.

Meghan Trainor "Close Your Eyes"

Speaking of Meghan Trainor, I actually stumbled upon this song by her the other day that I really really love. 

CLEAN

addict (noun)-a person who is addicted to an activity, habit, or substance.

"The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself" -Mark Twain Repinned from Noble Quotes

I’ve never thought of myself as an addict. I’ve honestly never even considered the word or the fact that someone other than a person addicted to drugs or cigarettes was an addict. However, as I ponder this thought, I realize, by the definition, I can fall under this category.

I’m addicted to the idea of looking pretty. Addicted to the thought of being a size 2. Addicted to feeling or seeing bone and well..just anything pertaining to eating disorders. I don’t even know what the ideal image I’m searching for looks like. I don’t even have that mental picture! It’s an intriguing thought though, considering yourself an addict. 

I know  that people are going to say ‘you’re pretty no matter what’ or ‘inside and out’, but sometimes that’s not enough and sometimes….it is. Sometimes you need to feel they mean it, or feel pretty inside and out. 

There is a ray of sunshine at the end of this very very dark tunnel. There’s always an opportunity for an addict to come clean.

 “10 months sober, I must admit
Just because you’re clean don’t mean you miss it.”

Just because you are in recovery doesn’t mean you don’t go through periods of time where you feel the heavy burden of being perfect or being whatever your ideal image is. You….just sorta miss it. It doesn’t make sense. It’s never going to make sense. You just miss it; there’s really no logical explanation for why you miss something that hurts you. 

“Baby I know places we won’t be found and they’ll be chasing our trace tryin’ to track us down”

I need go someplace where Ed can’t find me. That’s not a possibility though simply because Ed is in my head. He knows my every waking thought and every emotion. He lives with me. He’s a part of me and he’s always going to be. BUT when you become clean, that voice that usually screams at you? Well, that voice, suddenly becomes silent much more often. More than you every fathomed possible.