What do you say to someone who lives a constant battle? Best wishes? You’re doing great? I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. As school piles on (thanks a lot 18 hours) I find myself not having as much time to workout, and that……is a big problem in my world. I can’t remember the last time I worked out consecutively for a week. That’s really difficult. I don’t know how to handle it. I can’t remember the last time I ate fast food either. (Not that it seems to be making that much of a difference). I can’t remember the last time I ate a meal that wasn’t a Quest bar or a Special K bar. (Not that it seems to have a big impact). I find myself wondering if I can remember a time in my life where I felt it was okay to eat. A time where I wasn’t plagued with anxiety about what my next meal was, my snack, or if someone was going to ask me to eat with them and I’d have to refuse because I can’t handle it. I find myself trying to recall a time lately where I didn’t feel completely guilt ridden for feeling hungry or for actually eating a lunch that wasn’t a bar (Even a sandwich is difficult apparently). I can’t remember the last time where I feel like I might even be sort of pretty that day. I have a million thoughts that I can write on paper, but for the life of me, I can’t remember half of them as I start writing.
I’ve heard a lot of songs lately that remind me of myself or something that could represent me. But one of my favorite was “Fly” by Maddie and Tae.
“So keep on climbing, though the ground might shake…”
To me, this song is about fighting for what you want even though you may not get it, and it’s the most absolutely terrifying thing.
The issue for me is…..I don’t wanna keep doing this. I don’t wanna keep feeling like this. I literally do not want to keep fighting. I’m so tired. Why am I going to keep doing this if:
A. What I’m doing, the “eating good” the “working out” isn’t making a noticeable difference
B. Changing what I’m doing doesn’t make me feel any better.
Two roads diverged, literally. Which path are you supposed to take when neither seem to be working. Which path brings you happiness or at least the least amount of pain? What am I supposed to do now? Curl up on the floor? That really sounds like a great plan right now.