Monthly Archives: February 2015

Two Roads Diverged

What do you say to someone who lives a constant battle? Best wishes? You’re doing great?  I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. As school piles on (thanks a lot 18 hours) I find myself not having as much time to workout, and that……is a big problem in my world. I can’t remember the last time I worked out consecutively for a week. That’s really difficult. I don’t know how to handle it. I can’t remember the last time I ate fast food either. (Not that it seems to be making that much of a difference).  I can’t remember the last time I ate a meal that wasn’t a Quest bar or a Special K bar. (Not that it seems to have a big impact). I find myself wondering if I can remember a time in my life where I felt it was okay to eat. A time where I wasn’t plagued with anxiety about what my next meal was, my snack, or if someone was going to ask me to eat with them and I’d have to refuse because I can’t handle it. I find myself trying to recall a time lately where I didn’t feel completely guilt ridden for feeling hungry or for actually eating a lunch that wasn’t a bar (Even a sandwich is difficult apparently). I can’t remember the last time where I feel like I might even be sort of pretty that day. I have a million thoughts that I can write on paper, but for the life of me, I can’t remember half of them as I start writing.

I’ve heard a lot of songs lately that remind me of myself or something that could represent me. But one of my favorite was “Fly” by Maddie and Tae.

“So keep on climbing, though the ground might shake…”

To me, this song is about fighting for what you want even though you may not get it, and it’s the most absolutely terrifying thing.

Maddie & Tae fly lyrics.

The issue for me is…..I don’t wanna keep doing this. I don’t wanna keep feeling like this. I literally do not want to keep fighting. I’m so tired. Why am I going to keep doing this if:

A. What I’m doing, the “eating good” the “working out” isn’t making a noticeable difference

OR

B. Changing what I’m doing doesn’t make me feel any better.

Two Roads Diverged in a Wood - great quote for the littles to hear growing up. Be different, don't walk with the world!

Two roads diverged, literally. Which path are you supposed to take when neither seem to be working. Which path brings you happiness or at least the least amount of pain? What am I supposed to do now? Curl up on the floor? That really sounds like a great plan right now.

Advertisements

No Kick From The Trigger

Bang, bang, rollin’ off your tongue. 

When the enemy attacks you in moments of weakness the LORD will rescue you. He will bring you into a safe place and He will deliver you because He takes delight in you who love and obey Him.  Amen

Inferior. It’s not a nice word or a pretty word or a pleasant feeling. But we’ve all felt it at some time. Lately, I think I’ve been feeling that for numerous reasons:

  • school because I don’t “have time” to read 25-50+ pages PLUS go to class
  • because I’m not working and going to college at the same time
  • because I’m not as pretty/insert thing here as someone else
  • because I’m considering getting married before my fiance and I have been engaged for an entire year
  • and sometimes, because I’m kind of afraid of the future

I’m sick and tired of that.

Words are literally like bullets shooting out of a gun. Once you pull that trigger, even the slightest bit, you set off a huge chain of events. That “bullet” leaves the barrel and immediately starts charging down its course to rip into a person. It slices the air into thin slivers and almost as easily as it left the gun, penetrates it’s victim. Straight to the heart or the head is the most lethal. The “bullet” is just as painful as words can be. I promise you. Once the bullet leaves the chamber, it is completely out in the open, out of your hands and there’s no way to take it back. No rewind button whatsoever. You can’t pull it back in and make it disappear. Just like words leave a mouth, bullets charge away.

I wish words were like little toy guns. 

Carrie Underwood - Little toy Guns love it!!

Wish they didn’t break you inside.

But that’s the strangest thing about words. They do hurt. They do cause pain. Maybe the worst type of pain. So, what are you doing with your words? Do you use them as weapons to cut and slay and manipulate others, or do you use them in the best way you can? Are you trying to remember that anything you say can actually hurt someone? I think that we have to remember that words and both magical and harmful. Let’s use those to be positive : )

I don’t wanna feel inferior about not working or wanting to get married before a year has passed. The negative feelings about beauty will take time, but I can change the others now. I’m not working because I take 18 hours….that’s hard for me. Going to school is hard for me…handling this ed, that’s hard for me…and both together are difficult. But I’m going to do it….I’m going to make it.

true!