Do you ever wonder how you got yourself into a situation? Do you retrace your steps; go back to where it all began? Sometimes I just sit, fully immersed in thought and how I got to where I am and trying to even minimally comprehend God’s intense and beautiful plan. The other day I was enjoying this thought process. How did I get here? How did I get to be almost 21? How did I get to be at this level at college waiting to retake my last teacher certification exam? HOW did I get to the age where I was ready to get married? I mean, I’m about to go in for my dress fitting! Like, what? How did I even end up with this man and how did someone not find him in North Carolina before I did? How did I get here?
I think that a lot of people go through this thought process. You go through life thinking that everything is the same. You live day to day, in the same routine until suddenly; you realize that your life has changed without you even realizing it! And no, it’s NOT a bad thing! It’s a good thing, because if you actually got to see your life changing I don’t think you would let it happen. Change is scary and usually quite unwelcome. It’s difficult to embrace but it’s something that we all need. For now, at 20 years old, all of these changes are really exhilarating and sometimes overwhelming. That’s the beauty of it though 🙂 Overwhelming is sometimes a good emotion. I’m trying to embrace this crazy ride right now. Between school, wedding planning and sorting out things with a new house to live in, things are a little nuts. But this is one of the best times of your life right? At least that’s how I see it. Everything is new and fresh and still sparkly. I can’t tarnish that; I have to take mental pictures to be able to remember as much of this as I possibly can. I don’t want it to pass me in a blur.
Which brings me to my final point about change….I’ll never be able to fully comprehend what makes a person go through ups and downs emotionally. I never understand what makes this happen to me. I don’t get how sometimes I can just magically feel fine and then 12 hours later feel completely awful and I want to lie on my floor and give up. How does that work? I don’t know where it comes from or how to be rid of it. It’s been like this for a couple of weeks now; I don’t think I cope with it well. I don’t cope with stress, or uncertainty, or myself changing very well. I don’t know how to handle myself looking differently. I can’t wrap my mind around someone looking at me differently, scrutinizing my body in weird ways. Actually, maybe that second part is just me. Maybe this is all pre-wedding dress fitting jitters, but I’m just trying to keep all my thoughts collected and in one place. Change is a long and constant road. There’s no escaping.