Invincible

***New Music Alert***

“Broken glass inside, won’t cut through me.”

cassadee-pope-i-am-invincible-cover

I DO NOT in any way, shape or form feel invincible. Ever. Which makes this title a little confusing, I know. I have never felt like I would win some crazy battle, whether it be with inner self or some other person. Anyways, Cassadee Pope has a new song out in which she talks about herself and feeling invincible. She sings about knowing that you are a strong person and not letting anyone tell you differently! She talks about taking your inner pain and issues and harnessing them and turning them around and creating a positive sense of self and inner strength. What a concept for me! There have been so so so many times over just the past few weeks, (yeah, I know, my life really) where I have completely felt helpless, out of control and like I’m never actually going to win a battle with myself or my evil inner voice, Ed.

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But hearing that song this morning, hearing the words “Heart covered in scars, but my fear is gone…” I thought, is my fear actually gone? Is my battle with some major insecurity and Ed a battle I am actually working and willing to win? Well, is it? Do I want to feel invincible? YES. I do. I so do. I just don’t know how.  I just constantly feel like if I eat one wrong food, or miss one workout that everything I’ve been working towards with my body is just gonna go straight to hell. All the efforts, literal hour long workouts, stressing about meals will just all disappear. This is not healthy! It just can’t be! I can’t continue to live in a world where I MUST check out a restaurant’s caloric content on the internet before I can decide I am even slightly able to stomach eating there. When I feel more comfortable eating a Quest bar for dinner than actual food, there’s got to be some kind of issue, right? Last weekend was my bachelorette thing before my wedding. That was an interesting evening for me. I had the girls eat at McAlister’s with me because I knew the menu; I could study it and make an ‘informed’ decision about what food I chose to put in my body. Which for me, is a gigantic comfort compared to eating at a local Mexican restaurant such as Henry’s. That place drives me insane…well possibly because I am. Then, on top of eating at McAlister’s I actually had some tiny bit of alcohol. I never do that! I’m scared of drinking! I’m scared of what it does to my body. I don’t want to change. I’m just scared……all the time.

I want to feel free….invincible.

#anorexia #eatingdisorder #recovery

Speaking of change, this weekend is my town’s local rodeo. We all know what that means….jeans!!! Jeans everywhere!! We all know how I feel about wearing jeans. Major anxiety there. It was this time last year I found myself putting on jeans that I found to be “tight” (yet they fit fine) which brought me straight back into more intense workouts. They do still fit, and I still wear them, they just freak me out. Often times, I have to remind myself that I’m not in a competition with other women. What size jeans I wear does not define me! Having an eating disorder doesn’t define me. I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not damaged because I have an eating disorder; and I am certainly not in a completion with other women I know that have issues with insecurity. I’m not in a ‘who has a bigger eating disorder’ competition. Sometimes, it’s very easy to forget that because there are always people around you, your age, talking about their diet, their workouts, their clothes, what size they want to be, and how they got to eat pizza and a burger and I ate yogurt. But that’s just life, there is always going to be some sort of trigger. The way that you overcome those triggers, become more brave, is to realize that you are just one human, and you can only do so much. You have to take a step back, take a deep breath, relax and become invincible.

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