The Restricted List

I came to the realization last night that I probably haven’t eaten “real/solid” food since last Saturday. It’s been 5 days. That’s probably a really really terrible thing. Then, I realized why I hadn’t really eaten anything that wasn’t yogurt, a banana, an apple, pretzels, quest bars, or some kind of peanut butter…I’ve been afraid to. I’m afraid of eating a food that’s on the ‘restricted list’ because I’m afraid of the repercussions. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve actually seen it change something on me, I’m make believing something will happen or I’m just plain imagining each calorie going someplace on my body. I literally can’t tell you.

It's OK to not be OK!

I’ve been wanting to eat all sorts of things on the off limits list over the past few hours; you know, like donuts, some pizza, and really some macaroni and cheese!!! I just haven’t. I can’t bring myself to do it. I see other people doing it, and they seem fine. They even look fine. And I swear if someone tells me after reading this that I CAN eat all of those foods, I might punch them ( think it through. I don’t mean it rudely.) I just mean that you saying that to me, might anger me a little. I’m fully aware that I CAN eat those foods, it’s choosing to that’s difficult and then following through. I’m working on it, well, more like up to it.

Baked Vanilla Bean Doughnuts - these are so soft and moist and loaded with vanilla beans.When you become so afraid to eat food that’s on the ‘Restricted List’ are you really in a good place? I’m just so so very terrified. I live my life in fear. I found myself completely overcome and consumed last Saturday with the fact that nothing I ate was even close to being on the safe food list. I had cake, and well some other foods that I’m not sure the name of but they tasted good. In the moment and in the following couple of hours surrounded by people I was completely fine with it. Then came 6:00 P.M. when it was time for dinner and I literally found myself shaking, trying not to just completely fall apart and cry and trying not to snap at people because they really don’t deserve it. I realized then, but more now really that I should probably ease some off the beaten path foods into my everyday diet.

Which leads me to lunch today….I’m making my own pizza at home. I’m gonna do it and I’m going to enjoy it. It’s going to be okay.

Classic Pizza Margherita  Dough yields 4 pizzas serving 3 to 4 people total    1 recipe pizza dough (follow instructions here)  1 recipe tomato sauce  fresh mozzarella cheese  fresh basil leaves, sliced thinly after pizza is removed from oven

Also, I read this today, which seemed to help a little.

https://www.yahoo.com/style/getting-engaged-meant-facing-my-anorexia-again-124689801623.html

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