I read that quote and I just realize how incredibly harsh and critical I am on myself. What ever taught me to be so cruel? At times when I’m feeling down, I like to get on Pinterest and look up inspirational quotes or just ones that make me feel good. This afternoon, I’ve been doing that.
I know that I’ve been saying over and over again that I’m afraid lately, which is probably annoying. I don’t know a better way to describe it though. There’s not a better word. I’m just afraid to eat foods outside the comfort zone, afraid to eat more than “x” many times a day, and pretty much afraid to gain/lose weight. I’ve sat in bed at night wondering if I was going to die if I didn’t start bringing more of a variety into the comfort zone of eating. I’m just…scared y’all. I’ve got a bunch of anxiety lately and insecurity seems to take over sometimes. I struggle with perfection. I’m such A perfectionist that it’s literally killing me. With student teaching and getting married (6 weeks..AHHHH!!) I find myself wanting to be perfect in every aspect, which totally is impossible!! I find myself though, at a crossroads. I know that it’s okay to eat food. I really do know that, now do I necessarily live like that….no. I can’t bring myself to realize that not being able to see my ribs is a good thing. I can’t bring myself to say that losing weight is bad! There’s been times lately where I have and sadly, I’m proud of myself. (I know I shouldn’t be.) But I’m at this point where I’m proud of how hard I’ve been working at it, subconsciously that is. It’s like I’m proud of the control that I’ve been getting??? Not even sure. Sometimes I find myself not able to breathe or fighting back tears because I’m suddenly so upset about something that I did eat, that I wanted to eat, I suddenly just feel sad, or in that moment I just feel scared.
I saw a quote though, that said that my eating disorder (ED), IS NOT my friend. I keep forgetting that my ED IS NOT my friend but an EVIL, UNHEALTHY, UNFORGIVING, HATEFUL, LOUDMOUTH, HORRID, ABUSIVE, UGLY, CRUEL, HARSH, and CRITICAL voice!!! He IS NOT nice, kind, caring, passionate, or loving at all! Which are all qualities of an upstanding friend. I’m perceiving ED as loving me and wanting what’s best for me, but HE DEFINITELY DOESN’T. He wants me to hate myself and strive to be something that I don’t need to be! I forget all of this when I don’t stop myself and tell myself to really consider what I’m doing. I think I forget that I really don’t have to try so hard. I don’t have to kill myself everyday.
I know that what I’m doing isn’t good for me. I know that I somehow have to fix it. I really really do know that I need help. I think that I just have forgotten how to actually get help. I think that I haven’t been/felt this low point in such a long time…since I was at UTSA probably, or the very first couple of months at ASU. I just keep holding onto the bright thought that there will be an end of all of this and I am going to be better one day. Somebody just give me a hug….