Y’ALL. Just an FYI I have a few things in the works that I can’t really write down yet because I am uncertain of how they are going to pan out, but hopefully soon I will have some good news to share with you soon.
Lately, I’ve been feeling and thinking that maybe I’m just not “sick enough” for someone to want to help me with this eating disorder. I’ve felt like “well, maybe I’m not actually that sick” or “maybe I’ve just made this all up in my head” “maybe I don’t physically appear sick?” or finally, “maybe I don’t actually have an eating disorder”. But is that true? Could I really have just dreamed it all up? I don’t think so. I think that all of those negative thoughts and feelings come from my Ed not wanting me to seek help and not wanting me to get better. My Ed (and me for the most part) think I need him. He thinks that I can’t do or handle life without him. While I share both of these thoughts and I can’t really actually imagine my life without him (because, quite frankly he has been a gigantic part of my life for so long now) deep down, I do know that life without Ed is probably possible. I don’t know that life yet, but it’s a really nice thought and life to consider.
I spent many of my lunch breaks last week looking up positive and encouraging eating disorder videos. Videos that were filled with positive notes and tips to maybe try and overcome an eating disorder. (Also, I watched a lot of Kid President videos. Sometimes, he just makes you feel good about yourself and sometimes you just need to hear encouraging words from a child.) I also found a site where I could download a recovery journal for absolutely free. Maybe that will help me and guide me through this whole process.
At this point, I don’t know where I’m doing. I feel like I am standing in the middle of a bridge and if I go left, I stay with Ed and go back to his comfort zone and ultimately choose death, but if I go right, I choose the bright side and choose life, love, happiness and all that freedom. Recovery embodies hope for life and encompasses a happy glow.
I’m really scared though. If I get help, it means I have to eat like a normal person….scariest thing in the world. It means I can’t be afraid of food anymore, which is an anxiety all on it’s own. It means that my yogurt addiction has to lessen. It means…well it means a lot of things, but mostly good things. I know that it’s a long, long, painful process and journey, but sometimes, you just have to choose to go right. Life is too short to constantly be worrying an anxious, right?