Monthly Archives: January 2016

Good Grief, Charlie Brown

There’s a quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald that resonates with my eating disorder. I hadn’t read it until just the other night.

“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”

Looking at this now, I can see all of these steps of my eating disorder unfolding. I can see myself ‘taking the drink’ and researching how to more fit, how to lose weight, how to eat healthy and slowly becoming more involved in what I thought was a “healthy lifestyle”. Then, I can see how the ‘drink’ took its own drink when I began to see some positive results and when I felt like I was succeeding in my goals of looking thinner. I was losing myself in the eating disorder and losing the ability to stop the madness and breathe. Finally, I can see took me. I see the hell it did to me and the hell it still does now. It over takes and consumes your entire being and suddenly, ‘the drink’ has convinced you it can’t live without you. What a strange and almost vicious image. Suddenly, working out and trying to be healthy in college was no longer a hobby, it was something that was on its way to controlling my life.

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.

Image: http://www.quotehd.com/quotes/f-scott-fitzgerald-author-quote-first-you-take-a-drink-then-the-drink-takes-a-drink

So about this Bible study……it’s some pretty good/thought provoking stuff. I’m also not real sure if I’m constantly supposed to relate this study with my eating disorder, but I do, so hope that’s all right.

Anyways, Priscilla Shirer’s series is all about boundaries and how they are our “breathing room”. So, I’m constantly evaluating my own boundaries and the ones God has in place for me. I’m constantly looking at how I’m probably going over God’s wishes when I’m pretty much, probably basically ignoring His boundaries with food and working out. Whoops……..

One of the very first things she said during this segment was about how the Israelites didn’t know how to “rest” one day. Nobody had ever told them that they should rest on one day and have that be the Lord’s day, so it freaked them out. Majorly. Israelites had a strict work routine and a set way they had to do things, basically as she went on to explain they worked themselves constantly and worked hard at their jobs. After she said that, it got me thinking (I was still paying attention to her. I didn’t fully go off on a tangent.) It got me thinking that Ed makes me a freakin’ Israelite!!! Constantly working, constantly busy and always trying to keep to a strict schedule and way of life! What?! How is it that God always knows what you need to hear? After all this time I still find that so odd.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf - October 2015 LDS General Conference #lds #ldsconf #quotes (Picture from lds.org):

Image: http://www.kathyhmcbride.com/#!fulness%20of%20times/zoom/cm8a/dataItem-ig9merj3

Anywho, this week in the study we are supposed to focus on coming to a full stop. We are talking about the Sabbath and how that means we need to take a day of rest. Resting/relaxing is so frowned upon these days that we feel guilty anytime we even think about engaging in it. This week we are focusing on what makes it hard for us to come to a complete stop and relax. Well, for me, it’s almost obviously my e.d. Having an obsession what my food/my workouts/my overall size and appearance makes it hard for my brain to just let me stop those actions. My brain is constantly trying to figure out new ways to keep myself “fit”. I can’t ‘just say no’ to these thoughts and actions! I need a freakin’ drug campaign/slogan to be thrown at me constantly. Good grief, Charlie Brown.

Image: http://www.thestar.com/entertainment/2015/10/02/good-grief-charlie-brown-youre-65.html

But God says resting IS GOOD!!!! He wants us to take time to rest. Our “Sabbath” is supposed to be a day to think about Him and rest WITHOUT feeling guilty, ashamed or worrying about doing the relaxing. I apparently feel like my value is somehow tied up in accumulating approval. The approval of others and me, alike. I feel like my value is determined by what stupid size I wear and like people aren’t going to love me if I’m not a size 2 or 4. Believe me, I know that’s ridiculous but I can’t deny that’s how I feel. In the end, I have to learn to somehow be able to say “ENOUGH is ENOUGH!” and that what I’m doing the other 6 days of the week is sufficient enough to keep me in the right place.

Tonight I’m supposed to go out to dinner with some friends. For normal people, this would be fun, for me, it’s painful. Not because I don’t want to see my friends, I do!! But it’s pure agony because I can’t know the nutrition facts of the restaurant, I already feel bad about food from yesterday and eating out is horrific. Good grief, Charlie Brown. I think that I just have to remember to breathe, take things one step at a time and allow myself some breathing room.

Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. You’re doing just fine.:

Image: https://www.bloglovin.com/blogs/live-life-quotes-love-life-quotes-live-life-3846115/take-a-shower-wash-off-day-4232919335
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Just An Article I Read

Eating Disorder Recovery: What that looks like for me now

This is an article by Tabitha Farrar who is basically just talking about what recovery was for her. She shares her opinion that anorexia can never truly be “cured”. She states that you can absolutely recover, but you are never truly “cured”. There is no magical potion to make it all go away. BUT YOU CAN DO IT!!!! YOU CAN RECOVER.

Thanks, Mommy, for showing me this article 🙂

No, Satan, I Don’t Want Your Hot Dogs and S’mores!

I apologize WAY in advance for this…..this is pretty much raw thoughts of a person who had to get up out of bed to write this because I couldn’t go to sleep. There’s almost no organization to this.

This is stupid. Recovery is stupid. Ed is stupid. Satan is stupid. Hell, I’m stupid. All of this…..is stupid. What a harsh word that is. I’m not even sure it has meaning anymore after writing it down that many times.

Unplanned meals. Unknown calories resources. Hold up…..actual food. Why doesn’t any of it make me feel okay? Why doesn’t any of it make me feel like I’m doing the “right” thing? It all freaking sucks. I don’t care what you say. It sucks. All of it just isn’t fun. It makes my life not fun. It’s all a whole lot of work and time and effort.

I literally had to get up out of my bed tonight because this was bothering me so much. I went to a movie and dinner tonight with my husband and my brain is just on overload. Then again, that could happen when nobody wants to discuss it…….then again, who wants to discuss how I hate myself for the millionth time??? Nobody, that’s who. I don’t think that it matters what I ate, I think I’d still feel bad and hate myself for it. There is literally no way around it….I hate myself. Don’t ask me why. Don’t even feel bad for me. On my way home tonight I was thinking about this and the Bible study I started with church this week. It’s called ‘Breathe’ by Priscilla Shirer and this week we talked about how God sets boundaries and how boundaries are actually beneficial to us. (Literally, God must have been there that evening for me. Because originally the plan that night was for everyone to go around the room and introduce themselves and then say something about themselves that not everyone else in the room would know about them. What the heck was mine going to be? Hi, many of you don’t know that I’m trying to recover from an eating disorder??? Nope!)

Anyways, I was just thinking about love and how my parents can love me, my brother can love me, my husband can love me, my friends and the rest of my family can and God can. And on the flip side, I can love all of them, I can love yogurt, I can love owls, I can love teaching, I can love God, I can even love my dogs, but I can’t love me. Why?! What is so wrong with me that I don’t think that I deserve love? Because I ate some damn rice?! Is that why? That’s stupid. But that’s the gosh darn freaking truth. I think that because I don’t always eat foods that are safe zone that I don’t have anything to offer the world or other people. In my head I believe that I’m a piece of dirt at that point that has no value because I ate some food that gets chewed. That’s……excruciatingly painful. I wish I could think of a better word for that feeling.

We ate at Rosa’s Cafe last night. I order the chicken tacos WITHOUT cheese. Then, I picked the chicken OUT of the tortillas and ate it. AND I still feel bad about that. As I have probably said before, I think I could’ve eaten yogurt for dinner last night and STILL felt guilty about that.

We live a little over an hour away from where we saw the movie, and I don’t think I’ve taken a breath since then. My mind has been going over and thinking about ways that I can get rid of this. I could just throw it up. I could run 3.5-3.75 miles. I could just not eat food tomorrow. I could “run” 2 hours on an elliptical. BUT literally NONE of that would make me feel any better about myself. NOTHING would get rid of the physically awful and emotional pain that rips throughout my entire body and head. Imagine digging long sharpish fingernails into your arm (or somewhere) and just holding them there. Can you imagine that? Well, that’s what I feel like doing with mine. Actually, that’s what I feel like is happening and my fingers are literally typing right now. It feels like someone has taken my fingers and just plunged them deep into my skin causing me this heartbreaking pain. My heart feels literally broken, y’all. It’s a treacherous slope.

(Side note: I’m listening to Julie Andrews sing ‘My Favorite Things’ from The Sound of Music to try and cheer myself up before bed. Feel free to laugh with me about that.)

The Sound of Music - Movie Musical Poster Print  13x19 - Vintage Movie Poster - Julie Andrews - Rodgers and Hammerstein on Etsy, $19.50

IMAGE: https://www.etsy.com/listing/125297296/the-sound-of-music-movie-musical-poster

But all of these bad and negative thoughts and feeling aren’t from God. This isn’t what He wants for me (well, I sure hope it isn’t). He wants me to be happy and free; well, free within the boundaries He has given me. It’s Satan that plants these horrible, horrible seeds and nurtures them so they can grow. When I was at this Bible study the other night I thought of something about him and what he’s doing in my mind.

“Sometimes Satan just isn’t out in the world tempting you with things or experiences. Sometimes, Satan lives inside your head. He’s got a permanent campground….he’s in there roasting hot dogs, eating his s’mores planning and plotting how to keep me busy or find something he can nit-pick at.”

But GET OUT of here Satan!!! I didn’t invite you to Camp KP!! I didn’t invite you to make up a negativity committee. Just get out! I don’t want to partake in your hot dogs (Devil Dogs lol), s’mores and camp food! Because it sucks and it’s not good for me! That’s not positive Godly nourishment….that’s you disguised at things I enjoy. My head isn’t your playground! It’s not the place for you to come in and torture me. My head should be a place I feel slightly safe and closer to Jesus, but instead it’s running rampant with Negative Nancy thoughts and maybe even Pessimist Polly outlooks on life. I have to learn how to battle Satan with God’s help. I have to learn to like and love myself with God’s help. Without God can I even learn those things? Probably not. I’m at this point where I know that I have to turn to a higher power than myself. I can’t handle this all on my own. I can’t make this issue disappear….only God can help me over that mountain.

Paper Sparrow: The Sound of Music: The Hills are Alive

IMAGE: http://www.papersparrowblog.com/

Stress Baking & Pesto Obsession

Living in Texas, you must always be prepared for strange weather that changes at the drop of a hat! So, I decided that I needed to purchase some “pretty” running leggings. You can’t really tell there, but they were this pretty purple and black color. However, because I wasn’t thinking when I bought these I quickly learned (in an unfortunate way) that you should buy running leggings in the CORRECT size.

I bought mine a size bigger because I didn’t want to feel closed in. MAJOR WRONG MOVE. I went home that day and put them on and went for a run. The ENTIRE time I was running I kept having to stop and keep tugging at my pants to pull them off because they would start falling down!!!! Also during this run I got only my left shoe muddy. They are currently working on the road at my house.

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So while this run should’ve been a little relaxing it turned out to be super stressful and kind of awful. What do you do when you come home from a dumb run?! BAKE, of course!! I decided that I wanted to do some stress baking before dinner so I made brownies and then I made spaghetti and garlic bread for dinner. Okay, I didn’t “make” the garlic bread 😉 Eating that garlic bread was a huge win for me because I’m pretty freaked out by eating bread. I think I still might be recovering in my head from eating that. Anyways, it was really tasty.

Now on to random things. I’ve always been into pesto…but not the nutrition it has. I searched Pinterest for a “healthier” version of pesto and found one on Oh She Glows http://ohsheglows.com/2011/08/04/high-protein-oil-free-basil-pesto/ and it is FANTASTIC!! So the other night I made a pesto chicken sandwich with Ezekiel bread. Making that pesto was probably the best decision I’ve made in a good while!!!! What else can I eat pesto with?

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Last random tidbit, I’ve been pretty into eating Twizzlers lately. I’m normally not into that type of food at all. I blame the impulse buy in the long line at the Lowe’s grocery store the other day. But they just have a strange appeal to me right now….I don’t know. But that’s that!

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New Adventures in Yogurt

My Wednesday: Yogurt Adventures/Serious Research.

I promise you I sent a solid 30-45 minutes researching greek yogurts that afternoon. I was googling brands, side by side comparisons and using the fooducate website. To a normal person, I’m sure I seem super strange. It’s just yogurt, right??? Wrong!

Recently, I educated myself on yogurt and what should and shouldn’t be in them and while the ones that I usually eat-Dannon Light & Fit Greek- is not bad for you, there are other kinds that have more benefits. Changing yogurts is a huge deal for me. The Dannon one I eat now has less calories than both the other kinds I ended up deciding on. This is a big deal to me…it’s a huge step and a huge concept for me to wrap my mind around. Ultimately, I have to remember that this benefits me in the long run.

After research and toying with the idea of “upgrading” my yogurt I finally decided on the Dannon Oikos (hey, John Stamos 😉 ) Triple Zero or the Chobani Greek (I ended up finally getting the simply 100.)

The Oikos yogurt was a win! It tastes different from my other but that’s expected with change.

This is a picture from my shopping excursion today. I was overwhelmed and a little confused. Has there ALWAYS been this much yogurt?! Goodness!!

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Anyways, I made it through and it was fine. Also, I realized something today while I was talking with my Mom about this meal plan we are looking at. I’m totally terrified of bread. It scares me and I don’t want to approach it, let alone consume it. There is something funny to that though, IF I toast the bread, it seems to be less intimidating for some reason. That doesn’t make it less scary but I seem to be more likely to eat it that way. There’s a fun fact about me.

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Lastly, this is just fun!! HOW cute is this teapot man?!?!?!!! I think he’s adorable 🙂 My brother has this blood disorder, ITP, and he has to go to checkups in San Antonio and he and my Mom always eat at Cracker Barrel afterwards. He had an appointment yesterday and they brought me back this cute little guy from there!!

Have You Ever Untangled Spaghetti?

Image: http://prettylittleliars.alloyentertainment.com/season-3-hanna-marin-quotes-photos/#10

Pretty Little Liars Season 3: Hanna Marin's Funniest Quotes [PHOTOS]:

Sounds like trying to recover from an eating disorder. Plus, it made me laugh and I just like her & that show.

After substituting all day yesterday, I’ve decided that I may not actually want to teach upper elementary every single day, i.e. 6th grade. They just about wore me out. So very much talking. Entirely too much. All in all though, it wasn’t that bad.l It was a fairly easy day. During this day I had a few spare moment…okay a bunch of spare moments…to peruse the Internet.

After what seemed like endless searching I basically just threw in the towel at the end of the day. I was searching over and over for a recovery meal plan. I would search ‘eating disorder meal plan’ and it would come up with meal plans that have too many calories for me (I’m not that underweight) or they were very forceful and harsh. I would search ‘healthy meal plan’ and apparently my terms and the world’s terms of healthy MUST differ because all that resulted in was ‘how to lose 10 pounds in a month’. Not what I’m looking for Google!!

In reality, I was just looking for some sort of meal plan that would tell me in a simple-cannot emphasize that enough here- manner how to eat. Like, a simple breakfast, easy morning and afternoon snack and a reasonable dinner. Not a meal plan to lose weight, not one to gain 10 pounds because I’m that deep into an eating disorder, not one where I’m terrified of all the foods, and not one where it seems like too much food in one meal. That seems like a lot of guidelines, but is it really that difficult to come by? Personally, I don’t see how a person can eat 1/2 a cup of oatmeal, 2 egg whites and 1/2 a grapefruit. Just sounds like an overload to me, but what do I know?

Throughout the rest of my day I found myself really really wanting to eat eggs. Like an egg sandwich. I’m such a weirdo, I know. But I’ve been wanting eggs for a few days now. However, I had to figure out a way to eat them that M wouldn’t find totally bizarre. I couldn’t just go home and make only eggs.

I cooked bacon and some biscuits for Marty, some regular ole’scrambled eggs and hash browns. I forgot how much I like hash browns.

Clearly, this is his plate. I’m not really that into bacon, plus that’s a fear food that I’m not nearly ready to approach.

I made egg whites for me and some toast…I didn’t have the best bread on hand and biscuits are a whole other ball game.

That’s my “I love eating eggs!” face.I’m not even sorry that I loved these eggs. I’d go home and make them again if M wouldn’t think that was super strange.

 

 

Last night was also the return of PRETTY LITTLE LIARS!!!!!! Yay! I know that most people might think that show is dumb, and at times yes, yes it is. But I can’t not watch, you know? I’ve invested all this time into caring about these characters and watching season after season I need to know what happens in their lives and how this series will eventually end. I’m not sure if Marty intended to watch with me, but somehow he ended up in the living room asking me questions about the people.

Poor guy didn’t know that having a wife meant having Pretty Little Liars on TV on Tuesday nights.

A Load of Cobblers

In case the title may have you puzzled…it’s old timey slang and basically means “what a load of nonsense”. I’ve been pondering on something lately and I’m just about to let it all out in the open.

Image: http://now.org/now-foundation/love-your-body/posters/winning-designs/

We live in a world obsessed with food guidelines (FDA), health and fitness, being thin/toned/strong and constantly talking about the latest fad to “stay fit”. There are entire magazines and websites devoted to being “healthy”, “slimming down”, telling us how we can “look our best” or getting “bikini body ready”. I search Pinterest and see the word “skinny” constantly being thrown in front of popular recipes (not that cutting out some calories is necessarily bad.) We are constantly being told we never eat enough fruits and vegetables, how eating meat is bad for you, how sugar is bad, soda is bad, bread and carbs are bad, they jury still seems to be out on how much alcohol is good in part of your diet, processed food is bad, and don’t even think about gluten. I really wish I could think of a better synonym than “bad” but I can’t right now and that isn’t my main focus. Everything seems to be “bad”and we never eat the “right” things.As a society we are constantly slammed with negative terminology for the foods we consume. I mean, sometimes these terms have us thinking twice about what eating an apple will do to our body. I swear every other commercial on TV is for some popular weight loss program or diet pill that “magically” melt away pounds. It’s all just confusing or overwhelming.

So, basically, I should eat just ice, make my own grains, not eat meat (which I need specific amino acids from) and constantly snack on fruits and vegetables? When in tarnation did eating become so tedious and like my part time job?! When did eating stop being enjoyable? No wonder there are so many people meticulously planning meals and constantly fretting over what they are eating and if it’s going to be considered correct. No wonder there are so many people with eating disorders, developing them or with eating issues in general.

I’m not trying to blame eating disorder on anyone. NOT what I’m doing. However, shouldn’t the media feel somewhat accountable for at least helping aid people for developing them? If someone wasn’t always promoting “thin” or “perfect body” campaigns and ads wouldn’t it be easier to be more content with your own body? And yes, there are some programs and campaigns out there now that promote a healthy body image and about loving yourself in your own skin, but they can’t combat everything coming from the other side telling society that we need to change something about ourselves. (Whew! Deep breath. I may be out of momentum.)

http://www.wearyourvoicemag.com/dropthetowel-this-summer/

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t try to be healthy and eat foods that nourish us, but do we constantly need it thrown in our face that how we eat is bad? Sometimes, it’s perfectly reasonable to eat Cheetos, drink your coke and eat that chocolate cake!

Image: http://www.yummyhealthyeasy.com/2012/05/decadent-low-fat-diet-coke-cake.html

I think that I just want to live in an ideal world where everything is gumdrops and sunshine. I think I just want everyone to feel comfortable with themselves, be able to accept themselves and truly believe that family and friends will love you in spite of your outward appearance. Half of being healthy is being able to feel good about yourself and sometimes I just get so caught up and bogged down by everything the media is throwing at me. I’m not even holding the bat anymore for the balls that they throw….I just try to dodge them as best I can because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

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Image: http://www.skinnymom.com/12-commandments-to-love-your-body/

Sharing Sunday

The Loft Challenge #3 (by Our Misadventures)Image: http://artjournaling.tumblr.com/post/45451839848/the-loft-challenge-3-by-our-misadventures

I’ve been thinking about this list for quite some time but I’ve never actually sat down and written it. There has just been a running record of all of my fear foods in my brain that I scan through before I eat something. Today, I made this list in a note on my phone and I probably still left out some. So, here’s my Sharing Sunday:

Fear Food List:

  • Pizza
  • Breakfast tacos/burritos
  • Bacon
  • Peanut Butter (I usually eat Pb2 or Better n’ Peanut Butter)
  • Bread (sandwich, bagel, rolls, etc.)
  • Cheese
  • Juice drink (well, liquid calories)
  • Candy/chocolate (that’s not a York Patty or starburst)
  • French Fries
  • Butter
  • Pastries (pie, donuts, etc.)
  • Ice cream/cake
  • Hamburgers (not with extra lean beef)
  • Grilled Cheese
  • Baked Goods (brownies, cookies)
  • Pop Tarts (which I used to love. Especially the gingerbread, sugar cookie and brown sugar kind!)
  • Basically ANY fast food
  • Cinnamon Rolls
  • Yogurt with fat
  • Nuts
  • Salads with dressing
  • Starbucks
  • Things I don’t know the caloric content of
  • Pasta
  • Mexican food

Looking at this list is totally overwhelming. Totally intimidating. Are there any foods in the world that I do eat? Geez!! I mean do you know how long it’s been since I’ve eaten a grilled cheese? I literally don’t even know! But I’m seriously super petrified of EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of these foods. I’m scared of eat them and of what they might possibly even kind of do to my body. For the longest time-still currently-I’ve viewed food as negative. I view it as a chore and something that I have to do. It’s not enjoyable or fun! I don’t view food as nourishment and fuel as view it as evil and such a stupid thing that I need to survive. At my house, people sometimes joke that I’m the “air child” meaning that I can sustain life by consuming merely air. I SO wish!! Wouldn’t that make my problems just disappear and be that much simpler?

However, viewing food in this manner isn’t correct. It’s a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad (see my Alexander and the Terrible Day joke???) way to live. It’s crippling and miserable at times and I always feeling negative thoughts about food, me and from Ed creeping around every corner. Every time I swallow, actually. Even in the safe foods!!

In order to take a step in recovery I’ve got to start down the path of repairing my very broken relationship with food. Ed as well as myself have associated negative feelings and thoughts with food for so many years that there is some major damage. It’s going to take time to repair my relationship with food. It’s going to take many baby steps and honestly, it’s probably going to be painful to eat some of these foods.

(I did eat pizza the other day though, y’all!! And I’m still walking around here.)

I’m not saying that I need to eat these foods immediately! It may take a few months to even try another one. I’m not saying that I’m going to eat these foods all the time either (but maybe once in a blue moon I can eat a donut or drink a Starbucks beverage without completely flipping out). In the end of all of this, I just want to come out stronger. I want to be able to live a “healthy” lifestyle. That means that most of the time I eat the foods that are good and nutritious for my body and then sometimes I indulge and eat that food that isn’t always so great for you. I have to learn that I don’t have to be 100% healthy and “on my game” constantly.

Image: fightthewhispers.tumblr.com/post/55658747516/peenutbutterprincess-a-guide-to-overcoming-your                                                                             fightthewhispers.tumblr.com/mystory

This is a journey of one day at a time and one foot in front of the other. 

Positive Vibes From Gingerbread Men

Baking Adventures!!!! I’ve been following this blog called Running With Spoons —> http://www.runningwithspoons.com/

And she has a whole bunch of recipes for not only dinner or snacks but some desserts/breakfasts also. Like I mentioned the other day I had these old spotty bananas that I didn’t really want to throw away. It just felt wasteful and I LOVE bananas. So I found a recipe on her blog called Banana Oat Greek Yogurt Muffins.

http://www.runningwithspoons.com/2014/06/24/banana-oat-greek-yogurt-muffins/

They combine so many of my favorite things: bananas, Greek yogurt and chocolate. What’s not to like?! So I made them 🙂

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They turned out fantastic! Baking win! I really love the banana and chocolate taste together.

In other news, today I went to run some errands in Angelo and do a little bit of grocery shopping. We didn’t need that much really but we were a little low on a few things that NEED to be stocked in the pantry. While I was at the store I remembered these Pepperidge Farm cookies that a makeup woman on Youtube mentioned the other day (MakeupByTiffanyD). She was actually talking about the Gingerbread Family cookies, but I think that they only make those during the actual holiday season. I settled for these Gingerman cookies instead. I love gingerbread…okay, seriously I love all things that smell and taste like holiday! Except eggnog, I don’t know how I feel about that beverage.

Anyways, I just decided that I needed these so I took a flying leap off a ledge, diverting from the very safe food list (even though I did read the nutrition facts) and bought them. I even HAD to try them in the car.

Aren’t they just super cute on their own?! How can you resist? In case you were wondering, they do smell magnificent and remind me of Christmas. Also, they taste pretty awesome if you are a gingerbread lover like I am.

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Not too much going on right now, just trying to keep myself and my thoughts going in a positive direction.

Foggy Mornings & Brothers

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That picture was oddly comforting/pretty this morning as I drove to Sonora to watch Keegan show his sheep ( Linus and Sally. I may have a Peanuts obsession. They are just SO CUTE!!!) It was super, super foggy this morning and the sun had just risen in the sky. It just made this very pretty bright yellow ball in the sky that attempted to shine through the fog. It was pretty! It reminded me of how there is still hope in the day and new days!! That God is still there and He still has a hand in His beautiful world.

Today I also was a sub in 1st grade 🙂 They are pretty darn cute, however I forgot how hyper and how much work they can be! Although, that may not be an accurate depiction of how they always are because I just happened to be the sub on the afternoon where the kids can get a soda if they didn’t get any marks in their folder that 6 weeks. Of course there would be a sub that day. Maybe she did it on purpose 😉 TOTALLY KIDDING!! But it was good to get to seem them again and get to enjoy teaching again because towards the end of student teaching I felt like the life was just plain sucked out of me!

This picture may seem random to you, but it’s really not! This is a picture of my eating disorder ring. It has anchors because in the bible there is a verse, Hebrews 6:19—–>

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. “NIV

For me, anchors symbolize hope. I have hope that there is and will be an end to this pain that this eating disorder gives me. I even have “Stay fearless” inscribed on the inside of the band. Therefore, I wear this ring pretty much every day. It’s on my right index finger because I don’t wanna wear it on my ring finger and my wedding rings are on my left hand and I don’t like clutter.

Today I made a quick trip to the grocery store after school to get something so I could bake these banana muffins. It was literally the fastest trip. I went it and out with the same on still on the radio. I was almost all the way home when I realized that my ring was NO LONGER on my fingers!! I immediately felt extremely sad. I’ve had this ring for as long as I can remember now. I texted my Mom to tell her I had somehow lost my ring. Thankfully, she and Keegan were about to go through town and said they would look just to make sure. I basically had zero hope. Which is pretty ironic seeing as anchors symbolize hope to me…..hmmm.

Anyways!!!! Keegan ended up finding my ring right where I had told them I was parked!!! I was immediately so excited and relieved and my mood was lifted. Love that baby brother of mine (who turns 16 on Monday?!?! What is life?!)

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Side note: He did very well at showing today. And the bottom picture is him from my wedding.

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