Chocolate chip cookies anyone??? M wanted some chocolate chip cookies the other night, so yesterday when he went into town I made him get chocolate chips. It gave me a great opportunity to use my new measuring cups (which you can barely see there). It also gave me a good excuse to wear one of the cute aprons I own and bake because I LOVE baking 🙂 I’m not super positive that I’ll be partaking in a whole bunch of this cookie eating, but we shall see. I did eat a little tiny piece. But M is a bit of a cookie monster at times…not constantly though.
Enter a MAJOR fear food here. MAJOR. I’m currently slightly freaking out at the thought of having to eat it later for dinner. M kept seeing commercials for Pizza Hut (he’s also a rather big pizza fan.) So while I was in Angelo today I picked up some pizza for dinner. I’m continually reminding myself to breathe even while writing this post.
I got the veggie lovers pizza. Wayyyyy back in the day pepperoni was always my favorite, but as I grew older and learned more about food nutrition, overall health and my eating disorder began to slowly become more prominent, I switched to cheese. I absolutely love love love cheese pizza! Don’t let me misconstrue that to you AT ALL!!
However, it’s been at least 9 months if not even longer since I’ve eaten pizza that I didn’t physically make for myself at my house. I made it myself so that I knew exactly how many calories and what was in the pizza. So, I figured, if I was going to try this gigantic fear food I was going to have to start small and ease myself into it. Rome wasn’t built in a day, you know!!! I personally don’t think that I can just throw myself into a cheese pizza and come out fully on top of that mountain. I think that this is about forming a new path, fighting the battle and eating some freakin pizza. This is about eating a small amount of a fear food, not consuming a whole entire pizza. This is about taking a small step. I say again, Rome was not built in a day.
Yes, you do see 2 pizzas here. One is M’s. He likes meat lover’s pizza. I’ve had that kind before, I used to eat it sometimes when he first lived in Houston. I like that kind. It’s pretty darn good, because let’s face it, I’m a carnivore and not a full on vegetarian. However, like I stated above, I can’t just throw myself into a meat lover’s pizza and expect to come out alright. I need to start with something that I can feel like I can conquer and overcome. I don’t care if that’s not what the experts say, it’s what I’m comfortable with.
I’m doing what I need or at least what I think is going to be best for me and not leave me completely collapsed on the bathroom floor. I’m terrified. Very, seriously terrified. But I can do this. I can.
(Side Note: M has been very supportive today and I could not be more thankful for him especially on a day like today.)
Here’s to pizza night!!!