I’ve been thinking about this list for quite some time but I’ve never actually sat down and written it. There has just been a running record of all of my fear foods in my brain that I scan through before I eat something. Today, I made this list in a note on my phone and I probably still left out some. So, here’s my Sharing Sunday:
Fear Food List:
- Breakfast tacos/burritos
- Peanut Butter (I usually eat Pb2 or Better n’ Peanut Butter)
- Bread (sandwich, bagel, rolls, etc.)
- Juice drink (well, liquid calories)
- Candy/chocolate (that’s not a York Patty or starburst)
- French Fries
- Pastries (pie, donuts, etc.)
- Ice cream/cake
- Hamburgers (not with extra lean beef)
- Grilled Cheese
- Baked Goods (brownies, cookies)
- Pop Tarts (which I used to love. Especially the gingerbread, sugar cookie and brown sugar kind!)
- Basically ANY fast food
- Cinnamon Rolls
- Yogurt with fat
- Salads with dressing
- Things I don’t know the caloric content of
- Mexican food
Looking at this list is totally overwhelming. Totally intimidating. Are there any foods in the world that I do eat? Geez!! I mean do you know how long it’s been since I’ve eaten a grilled cheese? I literally don’t even know! But I’m seriously super petrified of EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of these foods. I’m scared of eat them and of what they might possibly even kind of do to my body. For the longest time-still currently-I’ve viewed food as negative. I view it as a chore and something that I have to do. It’s not enjoyable or fun! I don’t view food as nourishment and fuel as view it as evil and such a stupid thing that I need to survive. At my house, people sometimes joke that I’m the “air child” meaning that I can sustain life by consuming merely air. I SO wish!! Wouldn’t that make my problems just disappear and be that much simpler?
However, viewing food in this manner isn’t correct. It’s a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad (see my Alexander and the Terrible Day joke???) way to live. It’s crippling and miserable at times and I always feeling negative thoughts about food, me and from Ed creeping around every corner. Every time I swallow, actually. Even in the safe foods!!
In order to take a step in recovery I’ve got to start down the path of repairing my very broken relationship with food. Ed as well as myself have associated negative feelings and thoughts with food for so many years that there is some major damage. It’s going to take time to repair my relationship with food. It’s going to take many baby steps and honestly, it’s probably going to be painful to eat some of these foods.
(I did eat pizza the other day though, y’all!! And I’m still walking around here.)
I’m not saying that I need to eat these foods immediately! It may take a few months to even try another one. I’m not saying that I’m going to eat these foods all the time either (but maybe once in a blue moon I can eat a donut or drink a Starbucks beverage without completely flipping out). In the end of all of this, I just want to come out stronger. I want to be able to live a “healthy” lifestyle. That means that most of the time I eat the foods that are good and nutritious for my body and then sometimes I indulge and eat that food that isn’t always so great for you. I have to learn that I don’t have to be 100% healthy and “on my game” constantly.
Image: fightthewhispers.tumblr.com/post/55658747516/peenutbutterprincess-a-guide-to-overcoming-your fightthewhispers.tumblr.com/mystory
This is a journey of one day at a time and one foot in front of the other.