I apologize WAY in advance for this…..this is pretty much raw thoughts of a person who had to get up out of bed to write this because I couldn’t go to sleep. There’s almost no organization to this.
This is stupid. Recovery is stupid. Ed is stupid. Satan is stupid. Hell, I’m stupid. All of this…..is stupid. What a harsh word that is. I’m not even sure it has meaning anymore after writing it down that many times.
Unplanned meals. Unknown calories resources. Hold up…..actual food. Why doesn’t any of it make me feel okay? Why doesn’t any of it make me feel like I’m doing the “right” thing? It all freaking sucks. I don’t care what you say. It sucks. All of it just isn’t fun. It makes my life not fun. It’s all a whole lot of work and time and effort.
I literally had to get up out of my bed tonight because this was bothering me so much. I went to a movie and dinner tonight with my husband and my brain is just on overload. Then again, that could happen when nobody wants to discuss it…….then again, who wants to discuss how I hate myself for the millionth time??? Nobody, that’s who. I don’t think that it matters what I ate, I think I’d still feel bad and hate myself for it. There is literally no way around it….I hate myself. Don’t ask me why. Don’t even feel bad for me. On my way home tonight I was thinking about this and the Bible study I started with church this week. It’s called ‘Breathe’ by Priscilla Shirer and this week we talked about how God sets boundaries and how boundaries are actually beneficial to us. (Literally, God must have been there that evening for me. Because originally the plan that night was for everyone to go around the room and introduce themselves and then say something about themselves that not everyone else in the room would know about them. What the heck was mine going to be? Hi, many of you don’t know that I’m trying to recover from an eating disorder??? Nope!)
Anyways, I was just thinking about love and how my parents can love me, my brother can love me, my husband can love me, my friends and the rest of my family can and God can. And on the flip side, I can love all of them, I can love yogurt, I can love owls, I can love teaching, I can love God, I can even love my dogs, but I can’t love me. Why?! What is so wrong with me that I don’t think that I deserve love? Because I ate some damn rice?! Is that why? That’s stupid. But that’s the gosh darn freaking truth. I think that because I don’t always eat foods that are safe zone that I don’t have anything to offer the world or other people. In my head I believe that I’m a piece of dirt at that point that has no value because I ate some food that gets chewed. That’s……excruciatingly painful. I wish I could think of a better word for that feeling.
We ate at Rosa’s Cafe last night. I order the chicken tacos WITHOUT cheese. Then, I picked the chicken OUT of the tortillas and ate it. AND I still feel bad about that. As I have probably said before, I think I could’ve eaten yogurt for dinner last night and STILL felt guilty about that.
We live a little over an hour away from where we saw the movie, and I don’t think I’ve taken a breath since then. My mind has been going over and thinking about ways that I can get rid of this. I could just throw it up. I could run 3.5-3.75 miles. I could just not eat food tomorrow. I could “run” 2 hours on an elliptical. BUT literally NONE of that would make me feel any better about myself. NOTHING would get rid of the physically awful and emotional pain that rips throughout my entire body and head. Imagine digging long sharpish fingernails into your arm (or somewhere) and just holding them there. Can you imagine that? Well, that’s what I feel like doing with mine. Actually, that’s what I feel like is happening and my fingers are literally typing right now. It feels like someone has taken my fingers and just plunged them deep into my skin causing me this heartbreaking pain. My heart feels literally broken, y’all. It’s a treacherous slope.
(Side note: I’m listening to Julie Andrews sing ‘My Favorite Things’ from The Sound of Music to try and cheer myself up before bed. Feel free to laugh with me about that.)
But all of these bad and negative thoughts and feeling aren’t from God. This isn’t what He wants for me (well, I sure hope it isn’t). He wants me to be happy and free; well, free within the boundaries He has given me. It’s Satan that plants these horrible, horrible seeds and nurtures them so they can grow. When I was at this Bible study the other night I thought of something about him and what he’s doing in my mind.
“Sometimes Satan just isn’t out in the world tempting you with things or experiences. Sometimes, Satan lives inside your head. He’s got a permanent campground….he’s in there roasting hot dogs, eating his s’mores planning and plotting how to keep me busy or find something he can nit-pick at.”
But GET OUT of here Satan!!! I didn’t invite you to Camp KP!! I didn’t invite you to make up a negativity committee. Just get out! I don’t want to partake in your hot dogs (Devil Dogs lol), s’mores and camp food! Because it sucks and it’s not good for me! That’s not positive Godly nourishment….that’s you disguised at things I enjoy. My head isn’t your playground! It’s not the place for you to come in and torture me. My head should be a place I feel slightly safe and closer to Jesus, but instead it’s running rampant with Negative Nancy thoughts and maybe even Pessimist Polly outlooks on life. I have to learn how to battle Satan with God’s help. I have to learn to like and love myself with God’s help. Without God can I even learn those things? Probably not. I’m at this point where I know that I have to turn to a higher power than myself. I can’t handle this all on my own. I can’t make this issue disappear….only God can help me over that mountain.