Can I Have A Burger Now?

If you are anything like me, you have a lot of random thoughts during the day. At least, I hope I’m not the only one. Lately, I’ve had this recurring thought that I can’t seem to shake about my condition with my eating disorder, recovery and overall health.

I find myself wondering daily if working out all the time and eating “healthy” is really all worth it anymore. Sure, you should probably treat your body nicely and not just shove junk food in it all the time. But at what point do we stop? At what point does “eating healthy” stop. At what point does “healthy lifestyle” stop for me?? I keep telling myself that I can cut down on the workouts and eat different food and eat a freaking hamburger every now and then (I literally can’t remember the time I ate one. Actually, I can’t remember the last time I ate fast food.) I’m scared of it. But I just kinda want Sonic so bad! But…I’m a scaredy cat. What else can I do? When can I stop killing myself to keep fit?

0310fb955a6b726d418aa631382f3115

Image Source

Lately, I walk around wondering when I stop torturing my body. When do I “let myself go” or “let myself live”? What is that point? I’ve been thinking lately, I’ve done the whole “super thin/fit/eating disorder look” hell, there are pictures to prove that from basically my entire college career and I’ve got bridal and wedding photos to prove that I was fairly sick. Do I really have to be that extreme anymore? Do I really have to keep trying to maintain a lifestyle where buying clothes at the store is a chore because of the size or only being able to eat certain foods on menus at restaurants because they don’t have an insane amount of calories or fat? Do I really have to constantly be a slave to some sort of running/elliptical every single day in order to maintain my current weight? Eventually, I’d like to think that I’m going to be able to take a day off from workouts and not freak the frick out or do yoga one day instead of intense cardio. There has to be a point where I can eat a sandwich on regular bread and not think anything of it, right?  I mean, there is photographic evidence in my life that I was thin and I was capable of being a thin person. I will forever have those photos. So, do I keep trekking down that road? Do I stop and suddenly eat whatever normally is?

ec186191aac67ed6b1e02b9ae32c62dd

Image Source

Does it end when I just give up working out altogether? I don’t necessarily think that’s the best idea. I think that might screw me up more. Right now I don’t have a ton going on so I would need something to fill my time. Plus, that sounds like I’m basically asking myself to be more restrictive with food. Does it end when I have a baby? If I can even have one. Does it end when I eventually get my first teaching job? I don’t think I will be able to come home from work every day and do a 30-45 minute running session. I just don’t. Which scares the ever-loving daylights out of me. You can’t even fathom how terrifying that is to me. That’s a whole bunch of change just thrown at me at once. I’ll be a first year teacher, have a job from at least 7:30-4, have to figure out dinner, commutes, and I just don’t see how workouts can always be an everyday thing. It’s scary.

21ba1725b3ec38d720fd3c51dc734b95

Image Source

This whole thought process of mine lately is scary. I just keep wondering…..what if I wasn’t a size 2, what if it was a size 4 or 6 instead. Would that change anything? Would people suddenly think I was ridiculous or would they even notice? I’m not saying I want to go from one extreme to another (which would be having a body weight that was no longer healthy for my height) I’m just saying that what if I finally got to live like a normal person?

Also, can I just go eat something from Sonic now???

food-array

Image Source

 

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Can I Have A Burger Now?

  1. Hey there. I randomly found your blog and wanted to share a comment. You remind me of myself years ago. I could go on and on, but I want you to think about something. You talk about living the “healthy lifestyle”, but if you’re honest with yourself, I think you would agree that what you are doing right now isn’t actually healthy. Anorexia is not healthy. A burger and fries can be part of a healthy lifestyle. It has taken me a very long time and a lot of hard work to realize this and, hell, I’m still struggling with some thoughts and beliefs. I just hope you start to challenge what you view as healthy and these beliefs that you have around food and exercise and your body. I’ve come to realize that I couldn’t actually live a full life when I was choosing any part of my eating disorder. I hope you can come to that realization someday as well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know that eating these kinds of foods are normal and are actually part of a healthy lifestyle. It’s just that I’m so dang afraid!! I just feel like I’m afraid of everything at this point. Thank you so much for your encouragement 🙂 I’m trying to hard to work at trying very hard.

      Like

      1. Oh, I know that fear well. The thing is, ten years will go by in a flash and you’ll realize that you are still stuck living in that fear. I know it is so, so hard. When you feel the fear, it means you need to challenge yourself. Start small, but start somewhere. I encourage you to find a therapist that you connect with if you haven’t already, especially one that has experience with eating disorders. They can help you to come up with goals and challenges and also help you to process through the anxiety that you will undoubtedly feel. It took me 15 years to actually work on the hard stuff that I didn’t want to give up. It’s worth it. It will only get harder and scarier the longer you wait. You can do it. It will be the most difficult thing you will ever have to do and it will feel impossible much of the time. But imagine life; imagine a real, full life where relationships are possible, motherhood (if you want it) is possible. You will try to fake yourself into believing that you can stay disordered and have a full life, but you can’t. Deep down you know it. Fight hard. There is an entire community of men and women who have beaten this and you are not alone. We all have your back.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s