Category Archives: Body Image

Christmas Time Is Here

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Ah, Andy Williams (he’s apparently the first one to sing it.) Anyways, Christmas time 🙂

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source: http://www.prettydesigns.com/35-christmas-quotes-you-will-love/

I haven’t written in a very, very, very long time. Mainly because I have so much to do these days and I have all these adult responsibilities now. I feel so old…ha. Even when I do get a spare moment, I like to just sit, or clean something, watch TV, of trying to frantically finish this cross stitch chart I’m doing. Tonight though, I attended the Christmas pageant at my church. This is where all the kiddos in the church get up and act out/sing about the birth of Jesus. It’s the sweetest thing! I was sitting there listening to them and watching them and laughing at/enjoying all their little quirks which got me thinking about the students in my classroom that I’m with every single day. I was sitting there trying to soak it all it and I realized that…..this is what life is about. Life is about singing, rejoicing, talking, laughing, playing, and wondering. It’s not supposed to be difficult. You aren’t supposed to spend every minute trying to control and fix every little thing. It’s about freedom and enjoying yourself and life. I was sitting in a pew with all these thoughts swirling around and coming to me and filling my heart. Maybe it’s just the Christmas spirit coming into my heart and filling it to the brim. I’m choosing to think something else though. Maybe this is God stepping into my heart and filling it even more. I found myself listening to the lyrics of Joy To The World and thinking about how much joy I was feeling and how thankful I am about how far I have come since August.

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Halloween

It’s been a long and rough 4ish months. I’m a new, first year teacher and things were TOUGH at the beginning. I found myself in tears so often and thinking I would never get the hang of anything and like I was going to have to find a different career path because this was NOT working. But I stuck it out, I dragged myself through it every day. It was hard. It was so freaking hard. But about a week ago when my students were writing letters to Santa (and telling me seamlessly unending stories about their Elf on a Shelf), I found myself reflecting on how we are almost to the end of the semester and how far I have come and how far the students in my room have come. This isn’t so bad anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like the cliffhanger at the end of a TV show each week. “Tune in next week to find out what happens on Mrs. Powell’s Corral. Will she get all her grading done? Will she be prepped and ready for next week? Will all the parents remember to pick up their children?” It’s been an interesting ride and quite the learning process so far and I can only imagine what the second semester will bring.

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I’ve come quite far in a number of aspects in life.

(Fall Festival Day. Can you see my holiday leggings?! Yes, I did find quite a few Christmas pairs!)

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That’s not to say that Ed hasn’t been here with me the last 4 months. Boy, has he. He’s there every day. But most days he has shut up a little more. He shows up every day at lunch to tell me that what I’m doing is dumb, but I’ve just gotta drown him out really. He’s there most afternoons telling me to go run my little heart out (Christmas videos and shows have been helpful entertainment lately). He’s still present. But I think he may be quieter. It’s been so hard to wrap my mind around how my body looks now. So hard. I don’t even know an expression that is great enough to explain how I feel. I’m trying to focus on the positive aspects of it and learn to accept myself.

Instead of trying to focus on the negative things I’m trying to hard to focus on the good: what’s positive, what brings me joy, what brings others joy, what makes me feel good. Like I said, maybe it’s all the Christmas décor in my house, the Christmas movies on TV, the thought of a break from school and all the Christmas crafts I’d like to do, but I’m trying to think of it as more of a healing process.

There is probably so much more I could say but I’m trying to frantically get these words out on the page before I completely lose what I have been thinking about for the past few hours. I hope you are well and are having a wonderful Christmas or Holiday Season 🙂

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We start reading The Polar Express tomorrow!

 

Link Love 8/7

Fun:

17 Retro School Supplies We Wish Were On Our Shopping List– by We Are Teachers via BuzzFeed

 

What Would Your “Friends” Storyline Be?– by ChelseaTot via BuzzFeed

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YES! Sign me up!!!!

‘Lizzie McGuire’ Fans Will Love the Upcoming Show ‘Andi Mack’-by Alexis Rhiannon via Bustle

I saw a posts this week circling around the web and I watched it on the Today Show that Cheerios is coming out with Pumpkin Spice flavored Cheerios. With this week I’ve been having and all the longing for fall I’ve been doing, this is almost music to my ears. As much as I think there are way too many pumpkin spice things in the world, I still can’t resist! 🙂

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Health:

Dove’s Latest Campaign Wants You To Talk About What Athletes Do– by Trilby Beresford via Hello Giggles

What I Wish I Knew Before My Daughter Developed Anorexia– by A. Pawlowski via Today

Damn, Working Out Is Hard!– by Jenny Sugar via PopSugar

This will make your life. They are just great! I feel every one of these every time I work out.

I can’t believe that I’m about to become a functional adult in society. I start my first day of work on Wednesday. There aren’t any students there yet but I still have to start doing all the behind the scenes teacher work. I’m pretty super freaking nervous/worried/slightly excited. Surely everything will turn out alright? Wish me luck! This is the beginning of a whole new adventure.

 

This Classroom Runs on Love, Chocolate & Diet Coke

Let’s take a peek into my diary. Let me just out rightly say what I’ve been thinking over the past week and how I’ve been feeling about some things.

Last week I did my first official “big girl job”/teacher duty thing by attending a new teacher bootcamp workshop for 2 days. It wasn’t particularly interesting…or helpful really…but I did make me feel better because I had my class rules and behavior/expectations in order when many of the other teachers at the workshop did not. *Score 1 in that column for Mrs. Powell!* Maybe the only score I sometimes feel. Being a new teacher bring me so much stress and anxiety. I think some nights I sit on my living room couch and stress about the unknown or stress about stress. Usually, when I feel these types of feelings I try to distract myself by watching some TV show or something; lately it’s been Guilt, Pretty Little Liars, Little House on the Prairie, The Middle and my newest obsession, Scandal. Jeez, it sounds like I watch a bunch of TV!

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Watching these shows usually can take me into a different world so that I don’t have to pay attention to my own for just a little bit. It takes my mind off of the anxiety of being a new teacher, worrying if I’ll have time to workout, having anxiety of the catered/provided meals that will happen my first week of inservice, worrying if my students will like me, trying to figure out how to actually be a teacher and actually function as an adult. That doesn’t mean I don’t freak out in my head almost every hour.

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Last week, I was up in my classroom. I was alone at the school. Literally nobody else was in the building. It was just me. I sat there at my desk-which is at the back of the room-and stared at the little round empty tables with the little red chairs surrounding them. I remembered the blank canvas I’d been given and how with a little help I’d transformed it into a little ranch for my students to come and learn in. I knew I was in the right place but at the moment I just felt unsure of myself. Then, I realized, everybody feels this way. Everybody feels like they are going to fail the first time they try something new. I tried to tell myself though, there will hopefully always be people around willing to let me ask questions, willing to help me, and willing to let me make mistakes and learn. My student’s won’t know that I’m a first year teacher who hasn’t the slightly clue what I’m doing. They. Won’t. Know. They won’t care! As long as I try my best to help them grow and learn and show that I care about them, that’s all that will matter to their little minds.

As I am about to embark on this new journey and chapter into my life I’ve been giving myself this pep talk a lot. I’ve also been giving myself other “talks” about my food, eating and working out. I’ve been trying to drill in my brain that I don’t always have to workout for an hour or more. I even Googled this! It has yet to stick in my head but I have a feeling with work starting….it might soon. Which is frightening. I’ve also been trying to tell myself that I am more than my body. People don’t like me because I’m skinny and they won’t dislike me or maybe even notice if it changes. People like you for you and the kind of person you are.

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Now, I can write those words and say them all day long, but I have to get myself to believe it and get myself to believe that I can eat dinner and still be a person people like. I have to believe that I will still like myself if I eat dinner.

Last thing: this is pretty personal. I decided a couple of days ago that I needed to go out to a store and by myself some new….undergarments. I’m sick and tired of having the ones I do own make me feel bad. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. If I’m going to try and attempt this whole “like myself, maybe workout less and eat dinner thing” I don’t need another thing on my plate myself me feel bad about myself.

I think that my diary entry basically ends here…for I have run out of rambling thoughts.

I’ve also found a whole bunch of hilarious teacher ecards on Pinterest recently. Well, my lame sense of humor and I find them hilarious.

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Patriotic York Patties & Coke Zero Thoughts

Recovery is hard y’all. Getting to a “healthy” weight is hard. Hearing that “you look ‘healthy’ now” are very difficult words to swallow.

Today has been a pretty good/relaxing day. Happy 4th of July 🙂 I spent my day going for a run, doing some cleaning up, doing some odd cleaning jobs and working on my Christmas cross stitch (welcome to Christmas in July haha). I just finished making dinner (hamburgers/cheeseburgers I was trying to make the All-American meal) and I was sitting here drinking my Coke Zero and patriotic York patties and decided I would write I guess.

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I’ve been having a rough time lately. I don’t think anybody has really noticed but I haven’t exactly been trying to broadcast it either. I do find myself being able to eat dinner more often, however as long as I think it’s “good”, “safe”, “low calorie/low fat”. Nevertheless, I eat dinner more consistently. Lately though, I find myself with these thoughts of ‘I need to eat less tomorrow’, ‘maybe I should try skipping breakfast’ (HA. That one is super funny for me), ‘we need to work out harder’ (uh…I don’t know how I could go any harder. Crazy Ed!), or thoughts from that realm. They aren’t positive thoughts and they don’t bring goodness or happiness. They bring sorrow, fatigue, ache, rejection of myself, self-disappointment and fear. I don’t need this kind of negativity in my life!

Honestly, my life is going pretty darn well right now. I just got the keys to my very first classroom last week and I get to clean it out and decorate it and really make it my school home. That’s so exciting for me. I need exciting and happy things in my life; I don’t need to be bogged down by what the heck I’m eating for lunch and worrying about if it’s going to make my students, co-workers, family, friends or husband like me less!! I’d love to be able to blame the restriction mentality on the fact that I just got my room and I feel like I have literally no idea what I’m doing. Seriously. I went to 3 ½ years of school for this degree and I feel so unprepared…hahaha. I’m sure lots of people feel this way though. I’ve been reassured that everyone feels the nerves, anxiety and fear when they start a new job. I read this article today (it was slightly on the dirty-ish side but not really). Anyways, it was about body image in the bedroom. It was a lengthy article but it was also helpful in more than one way. It was talking about ways to make you feel better about yourself and being proud of yourself. The author also talked about how your partner doesn’t solely love you for your body. Your family and friends don’t love you solely for your body. I didn’t get my first teaching job because I eat a bunch of yogurt, fruit and “healthy” foods. The author said to turn the situation around and think about if your spouse, friends or family looked a little differently would it have any effect on how much you love and care about them? NO! Heck no! Reading that article today did help me in its own strange way. Here’s the link if you actually want to read it Body Image In The Bedroom by Sarah Vance.

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Right now, I’m trying so hard to not center my life around my freaking food and flipping workout schedule. Trying. So. Hard. There is really more to life than meal planning and doing the same workout routine right on schedule every day.

Basically, that’s what I’ve been thinking. Andddddd because I’m a dork and super-duper excited, here’s a picture of my classroom. Definitely the “before” shot!!!!!

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Oh! Also my Grandma started painting this “P” for me a few weeks ago when I was down there and she mailed it to me this week. She’s super sweet and this turned out so cute! Looking forward to finding a place in my new room to hang it.

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Link Love 7/3

I’ve been meaning to get around to writing an actual post this week but I just couldn’t make myself do it. It’s been a long week. I officially got my school keys for my new classroom and so I’ve been up in my room trying to sort and organize. I’ve also been trying to get ideas together so I can make the room come together. Then finally, I’ve been working on this new cross stitch pattern I recently got. I just feel like I’ve been a busy bee.

I’ll try to get around to it this week.

Interesting/Fun:

Every Wonder Why There’s an “R” in “Mrs.”? -by Lauren Piro via Good Housekeeping

11 Times ‘Disney’ Subplots Upstaged The Main Storylines In These Classic Animated Features-by Mary Grace Garis via Bustle

This article was great. As much as mice give me the creeps they are seriously one of the best parts of Cinderella (the best part being that dress!!!) Also the fairies in Sleeping Beauty may or may not be my favorite characters and as much as I love pink, Aurora’s dress was best in blue.

These 15 Outdated Lizzie McGuire Outfits Will Make You All Sorts of 00’s Nostalgic-by Lindsey Rose Black via Bustle

So. Much. Tie-Dyed.

Body Positive:

A Third of Us Would Rather See A Dentist Than Be Seen In a Bikini– by Sarah Jacoby via Bustle

Why This Celebrity Trainer Opened Up About Her Eating Disorder– by Sara Coughlin via Bustle

I just love her. I really miss being able to do her workout videos. Dang county living (we don’t have enough Internet for me to be able to stream it.)

Miss Teen USA to Eliminate Swimsuit Competition– by Maeve McDermott via USA Today

4th of July-

8 Things You Never Knew About the Fourth of July– by Megan Harney via Good House Keeping

This is from a year ago but it was still pretty neat.

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I’m also making these today for my brother to take to this 4th of July party type thing he’s going to. They look pretty yummy to me!

Patriotic Sugar Cookie Bars

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Two in the Kitchen’s Patriotic Sugar Cookie Bars

You Are My Sunshine

It was a weekend filled with family, love, super scary food adventures and most importantly celebrating love 🙂

This past weekend my husband and I traveled to Marathon, Texas for a family wedding. There isn’t a whole lot in this town, however the hotel we stayed at was phenomenal and the views were just spectacular! It really was a highly enjoyable weekend and great to get away for just a few hours.

We stayed at The Gage Hotel which was also the location of the wedding. It was a beautiful venue! I don’t know how the bride found it but it was lovely.

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We stayed in this old colonial style house (I think it said it was colonial. I can’t really remember all that well. Who cares, it was gorgeous.) with some other family members as we enjoyed the weekend.

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Most of my time was filled with visiting with family members, getting to know them better or just spending time with my husband. On Saturday morning Marty and I walked from our room down to this super adorable restaurant to enjoy breakfast. We were the only ones there because we are both such early risers.

I did manage to get a run in that morning as well. Marathon is really small so I basically ran the entire town as my route. The first part of the run I was basically playing photographer instead of running. The view of the “mountains” was just too neat! Very pretty. Also, windmills. Windmills everywhere! I actually find windmills a nice view by themselves.

Throughout the whole weekend I tried my very hardest to keep the screaming ED thoughts at bay. This is so difficult when they are usually so prominent. I wanted to enjoy the mini vacation and time with my husband and family. This is difficult though when I’m eating foods that are just SO foreign and sometimes you don’t even know that they are. I’m terrified of food that I don’t know the caloric content of and so I was face to face with one of my biggest fears every meal every day we were there. I was faced with people asking how my food was, asking if I had eaten and I felt like were watching me. I’m just different when it comes to food. I just want to eat it and not discuss it. Other people, normal people, that don’t have eating issues, are probably able to enjoy food more easily and discuss among themselves. It just keeps me like a cat on a hot tin roof! I tried to keep myself from being too on edge about it. I really did.

I did make one discovery at lunch Saturday though! I ate part of M’s sandwich and I learned that I think I like rye bread. I need to go to HEB asap so check this stuff out!

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Saturday evening was wedding time!!! The location for the ceremony was in the backyard of the house we were staying at and it was just gorgeous. It was simple but the scenery really took your breath away. The weather in Texas was finally cooperating as well!

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We ended the evening by having dinner at the reception and celebrating with the bride and groom.

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You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray 🙂

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This weekend I had to learn to let go of some of my control. I can’t ALWAYS pack my lunch. I can’t ALWAYS know about food beforehand. I can’t ALWAYS be expected to pick the lowest calorie/most healthy choice on the menu. There are just some things I literally cannot know prior to events. I can’t let that damper my experiences though! I can’t let food keep me from having fun or a good time. I can’t let myself walk around in one giant ball of worry and anxiety because I’m worried about how this piece of bread will work in my body and where I’m going to find it in the mirror lately. Sometimes, you have to try and live in the moment and actually live.

Sometimes, you have to be fearless.

Thinking Out Loud 5/18

Linking up with Amanda over on Running with Spoons for a Thinking Out Loud again 🙂 It’s been a very, very nice week 🙂 Amanda’s Blog

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  1. I had a really important job interview this past Monday morning. So, naturally, after my interview I OF COURSE carried on my tradition of an after interview Coke Zero and a selfie. I was really nervous, but it turned out that I think it’s going to end up being a new adventure 🙂

2. I can finally sing the Taylor Swift 22 song!!! Yay!! “Everything will be alright, if we just keep dancing like we’re 22!!!!” I’m pretty pumped.

3. Apparently, I no longer live in Texas. I live in Seattle or some sort of rain forest or permanent tropical storm. I know, I know, I’m a bad Texan for wishing away the rain, but it’s the middle of May, it’s yet to be actually sunny and it’s a whopping 58 degrees.

4. My little brother is now in NHS. He’s so cute, he wanted to take a picture with me yesterday 🙂 He’s getting too old!!!

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5. Lastly, birthday stuff!!!! Part of Marty’s present was this mug. It cracks me up and is pretty true. He’s adorable. 2016-05-17 20.22.21

My mom got me these super adorable Raggedy Ann salt and pepper shakers and a watch! I’ve learned through subbing that as a teacher, wearing a watch is super useful because you don’t always have a pocket to check your phone.

Have a wonderful weekend!!!

Thinking Out Loud

Link Love 5/1

Happy May!!!!!! I actually really like this month. It’s also my birth month!

Fun/Quizzes-

11 Fashion Trends ‘Mean Girls’ Started-by Phoebe Waller via Bustle

Here’s What Weddings Looked Like The Year You Were Born– by Country Living Staff via Good Housekeeping

I’m soooo the “Pinterest Bride” generation. My kids are so going to make fun of that one day.

Which “Play School” Toy Are You? by Jenna Guillaume via Buzzfeed

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Laughs/Sweet Moments-

This Is How Breakfast Should Look According To Kids-  by IHOP via Buzzfeed

A cake…but instead of a cake, it’s waffles. What?! Kids are hilarious.

Military Dads Sign Up For Teatime Sessions With Their Daughters- by Marina Liao via PopSugar 

Body Positive-

Your Body Isn’t The Problem- by Amanda Tarlton via Real Life Recovery Diary

The Recovering Girl’s Guide To Working Out- by Cayanne via HealthyEzSweet Life

This. Is. Gold.

A Friendly Reminder That It’s OK To Love Your Body Exactly How It Is- by Dominique Astorino via PopSugar

These are all fantastic!

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It Wasn’t ‘Justaburger’

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If you live in or have ever been to Texas you know what this means. Or you could just read the cup..it’s clearly on there (lol).

WHATABURGER.

What a scary, scary place for me to eat. But I really really needed to. Like really. I needed to eat something that might add value and a little nutrition to my body. So, I pretty much up and did it. Milestone. I seriously can’t stress enough how big of a deal it is for me to have eaten at Whataburger and not order a salad.

I ordered the Whataburger Jr. The kid burger, I’m well aware. I also ate apples. Baby steps y’all. I don’t think I could’ve handled much more than that. (Of course, they gave me a burger with cheese on it at first. I’m not ready for that either.)

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Sorry, but we have to talk about this kangaroo bag they gave me my food in!!!!! How freakin’ cute is that?! How could you not be just a little bit excited?

This is me trying new things and trying not to blow a gasket. This is me, documenting the fact that I ate a hamburger. I can’t remember the last time I did that. That was brave. That was fearless.

All day I was apprehensive and trying to decide if I was going to really do this. I did it. Let me just say, that hamburger was pretty dang delicious.

Sometimes that burger can be referred to as a ‘Justaburger’ at that restaurant. For me, this wasn’t ‘Justaburger’ this was me telling myself that I’m trying to learn to accept myself. This was me saying that my body deserves to be nourished. I deserve to eat. I deserve for my food to taste good. I deserve to enjoy it without feeling guilty.

I don’t have a whole lot of words on this. I feel like I can’t really say more than I have. I mean, I ate a hamburger and I didn’t gain 7 pounds over night and I’m still here and all the people that love me are still loving me. It’s apparently…..okay.

So, when I came home last night and my husband asked me what I did today-besides get his mother’s Mother’s Day gift- I said….”literally all I did today was shop and eat a hamburger.” That was what I did. As insignificant as that sounds I did a ton yesterday.

Can I Have A Burger Now?

If you are anything like me, you have a lot of random thoughts during the day. At least, I hope I’m not the only one. Lately, I’ve had this recurring thought that I can’t seem to shake about my condition with my eating disorder, recovery and overall health.

I find myself wondering daily if working out all the time and eating “healthy” is really all worth it anymore. Sure, you should probably treat your body nicely and not just shove junk food in it all the time. But at what point do we stop? At what point does “eating healthy” stop. At what point does “healthy lifestyle” stop for me?? I keep telling myself that I can cut down on the workouts and eat different food and eat a freaking hamburger every now and then (I literally can’t remember the time I ate one. Actually, I can’t remember the last time I ate fast food.) I’m scared of it. But I just kinda want Sonic so bad! But…I’m a scaredy cat. What else can I do? When can I stop killing myself to keep fit?

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Lately, I walk around wondering when I stop torturing my body. When do I “let myself go” or “let myself live”? What is that point? I’ve been thinking lately, I’ve done the whole “super thin/fit/eating disorder look” hell, there are pictures to prove that from basically my entire college career and I’ve got bridal and wedding photos to prove that I was fairly sick. Do I really have to be that extreme anymore? Do I really have to keep trying to maintain a lifestyle where buying clothes at the store is a chore because of the size or only being able to eat certain foods on menus at restaurants because they don’t have an insane amount of calories or fat? Do I really have to constantly be a slave to some sort of running/elliptical every single day in order to maintain my current weight? Eventually, I’d like to think that I’m going to be able to take a day off from workouts and not freak the frick out or do yoga one day instead of intense cardio. There has to be a point where I can eat a sandwich on regular bread and not think anything of it, right?  I mean, there is photographic evidence in my life that I was thin and I was capable of being a thin person. I will forever have those photos. So, do I keep trekking down that road? Do I stop and suddenly eat whatever normally is?

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Does it end when I just give up working out altogether? I don’t necessarily think that’s the best idea. I think that might screw me up more. Right now I don’t have a ton going on so I would need something to fill my time. Plus, that sounds like I’m basically asking myself to be more restrictive with food. Does it end when I have a baby? If I can even have one. Does it end when I eventually get my first teaching job? I don’t think I will be able to come home from work every day and do a 30-45 minute running session. I just don’t. Which scares the ever-loving daylights out of me. You can’t even fathom how terrifying that is to me. That’s a whole bunch of change just thrown at me at once. I’ll be a first year teacher, have a job from at least 7:30-4, have to figure out dinner, commutes, and I just don’t see how workouts can always be an everyday thing. It’s scary.

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This whole thought process of mine lately is scary. I just keep wondering…..what if I wasn’t a size 2, what if it was a size 4 or 6 instead. Would that change anything? Would people suddenly think I was ridiculous or would they even notice? I’m not saying I want to go from one extreme to another (which would be having a body weight that was no longer healthy for my height) I’m just saying that what if I finally got to live like a normal person?

Also, can I just go eat something from Sonic now???

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