Tag Archives: anchors

It’s Just A Relapse

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBCSZbZTnSw

This classroom is an icebox. I am just so cold. Sometimes I can’t tell if that’s more attributed to me, or to the fact that my cooperating teacher keeps the room at a very cool 70 or 69 degrees. It’s quite miserable actually. Anyways, that’s beside the point of this entire post. (Just thought I’d share that I’m literally freezing all day and for me that’s torture seeing as I’m already notoriously cold.)

I’ve been married for almost a week now. It seems so odd that the kids and most people refer to me as Mrs. Powell now. Now that the wedding is over, it gives me more time to focus on school and maybe a little bit of recovery, well plus my actual marriage.

That Saturday, I had at lease 3 people ask me if I “ate food” or that “I needed to eat something” or some sort of phrasing like that. I can’t exactly remember. But that stung a little. Those words are hard to swallow; they are hurtful. I don’t even know how to respond to that or how I’m supposed to even feel about someone saying that. It’s not that I don’t want to be better y’all. It’s just that you don’t understand the fear that is stapled to that package.

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It’s the fear that if I actually do start to eat something else for dinner that’s not yogurt, that people, especially those who noticed at the wedding, will think that I was just a crazy bride who lost weight so that she would be able to fit into a wedding dress. That’s not the case! Did it make me a little more neurotic? It sure did? But does that mean that I legitimately don’t have a disorder? Unfortunately, no.

I don’t handle change very well AT ALL. And literally everything about my life has just changed. I changed where I live, I mean, I have a completely different route home now!! I changed my workout routine, a week ago I changed my grade level in student teaching. I now have to make dinner at night because I have a husband. It’s a really huge transition. I’m not going to be used to it all at once. I’m already just really terrible with change….so this may take me a while.

Don’t get me wrong…I am so extremely happy. I’m so happy to have married my husband. I think about that everyday. It’s so amazing. God blessed me by allowing me to marry him!  I’m so blessed by the fact that I don’t have to go home to an empty house or empty bed. I’m always going to have someone to hold my hand, always have someone to talk to and I’m always going to have someone who will try their hardest to love me with all they have. I’m so thankful and so blessed that God sent me a man that’s going to love me no matter what, takes care of me and loves despite my eating disorder. It’s a really ugly part of me, it’s not something to be romanticized. I sometimes I to force myself to keep E.D. at bay and take him from the forefront of my mind so that I can focus on my husband and being what he needs. That’s someone I want to be better for. I want to be better for him. I want to be okay…I want to be able to eat dinner with him and not be mentally freaking out and mentally crying.

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Recovery is hard y’all. Harder than I can explain. It’s draining, frustrating, infuriating, complex, and extremely painful. I personally feel like I fail at it constantly, which I’ve been told is part of the whole process. I’ve been told that you fall down countless times and sometimes you are crawling to the next step. I feel like I’m constantly falling and actually like I’ve never been able to get up from the ground. I can’t even begin to explain to you what it feels like to be in the process of recover…or even having an eating disorder at all. It’s not something words can describe. It’s a feeling that I personally believe that unless you have been dealt that card, you can’t begin to imagine what a person who has an eating disorder is in recovery is going through.

Finally, the last point I want to make is kinda about society and marriage in general. As I was driving to lunch today thinking about this post, I was thinking about how women are thought about when they get married. I’ve heard it countless times on TV or movies where the men are always joking that “when you marry a women, remember what she looked like when you married her because after that her figure is going to change”. That’s so unfair is unbelievable! It’s infuriating! How is it that a woman’s worth is reflected by the mirror or a scale? How did it become okay to poke fun at a person’s outer image like that? If you are marrying someone or are in love with someone, you are supposed to love them for who they are as a person, not solely because they are a pretty face or you are attracted to their body. I just think it’s shallow and downright mean.

Pretty sure that post was all over the place. Sorry about that (:

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Going to the Chapel….& We’re Almost Married

10.17.15. A day I’ve been waiting for, for almost a year now. It seems like ages since last Thanksgiving when we actually got engaged and now it’s FINALLY here!! I’m so excited I can hardly concentrate on anything else. I find myself consumed with thoughts of the wedding all day long while trying to concentrate on student teaching. It’s strange to think that in 2 days, I’ll be married. In about 48 hours…..I’ll be a Mrs. People can refer to me by a different last name. It’s an odd feeling, but also a warm and fuzzy one. I mean, I’m marrying my best friend; can I really ask for more?

10.17.15. A day that also caused me a gigantic anxiety attack during lunch break yesterday. I was asked to do something clearly last minute and clearly out of the blue on Thursday afternoon that clashed with previous plans. It wasn’t til 8 last night I knew it was an anxiety attack, but it was. I found myself struggling not to ball my eyes out crouched down in a corner in the classroom. That would’ve been some sight, having a bunch of 5th graders march in from lunch to find their student teacher (who they’ve known for merely 2 days at that point) crying in the corner. I managed to compose myself and realize that it wasn’t that Earth shattering. It just happened to not be in my plan. Everything could still happen, it was just going to be shifted 30-45 minutes or so. I also toyed with the idea yesterday during the attack of just going into the bathroom and throwing up. It wasn’t a pretty 20 minutes I’ll tell you. Did I do it? No. Did I want to? Hell yeah. But was that actually going to make me feel better? No, definitely not. Will ED be there Friday and Saturday? Probably. Can I shut him up? Probably not. But I can lower his volume for 12 hours? I can really try harder than I ever have. I’ve got to really try. I’ve got to block out ED’s voice. For 3 days, I’ve got to listen to him scream, stomp his feet and throw a tantrum because I don’t have the time to devote a whole hour to the elliptical and him!

Getting married is stressful and really is so much effort and work to plan/coordinate. (I do have to remember though, I’m the idiot who wanted to get married in October in the middle of student teaching.) It can also be a very beautiful though. This is a magic time. It’ll never happen again. I know everyone says “you won’t remember a thing from the wedding.” I plan to prove them wrong. Sure, I won’t remember what we ate, the flowers, probably majority of the reception or special moments though: my Daddy walking me down the aisle, our first kiss as husband and wife, the vows, our first look pictures, heck, maybe even our first dance. Those are the parts that matter. I want to soak it all in. Take the time and effort to remember. Because this is a magic time and day in life. 

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The 5 of Us vs. The Battle

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Sounds easy, right? Well, for me admitting I had a problem was simple. Actually referring to the problem by it’s correct name and wanting help for it, well that’s another story. A story that actually plays out for a number of years. Yesterday, September 11, 2015 was the day that a step was taken. The word was thought, typed and finally spoken. I was ready to admit it. So, here it goes……I, Kairos Brynn McCollum, have Anorexia. (I’ve now starred at this screen for 5 minutes without typing). That’s it y’all. That’s all I’ve got. It took me a while to be even able to think this word. Then….I had to admit to myself that that’s what was actually going on with me. Then, I had to type it out and send it to my Mom…and then Marty. Two of THE most important people in my life, I had to tell me. I had to say the word to them and make it real and not just some figment of my imagination.

Anorexia kills people y’all. It’s really scary. It’s a really terrifying moment when you realize something is eating you alive. Day by day, piece by piece it eats and chips away at you.

Perfectionism kills people y’all. I have this stupid, stupid need to have everything be perfect. But guess what, life isn’t perfect! I know that! But for some reason I still continue to strive for something that is literally impossible. What’s up with that?

Anxiety kills people y’all. My life is one giant anxiety ball. Every little thing can set it off. It’s been my whole life, not on purpose, but it has.  I’m so ritualistic that I can’t have one thing be off during the day. I eat the same foods I need to. I do the exact same thing everyday-wake up, get dressed, eat the same breakfast, go to school, WORKOUT, eat some safe food for dinner, then, if there is time for anything else do it, and finally sleep. Anxiety is scary.

I’ve been to therapy before, my first year at ASU, at that point, I had only admitted that I had an eating disorder. I had an “ED”. I didn’t have…..anorexia. It wasn’t really real until the other day. So, here I am, typing it out, boldly attaching myself to this hideous, ugly, downright vulgar word. Think about it, what an ugly word that is!!!

Recovery

So, you may be wondering, ‘How did I get to the point where I decided to admit this? What made me come to this sudden realization?’ Well, for student teaching, we have to record ourselves for 2 minutes teaching a lesson. As I watched myself teaching, I saw how truly thin I was…and how that wasn’t healthy. I knew I’d been doing some things differently lately but I didn’t realize they were actually making me thinner. I didn’t realize that I was thinner in the mirror than I was in my head. I think getting married has just escalated things, well the dress I mean. (Not that I think getting married is bad at all. I’m so so excited to marry the love of my life. I can’t wait for it to get here.) I think I’ve just been stressed. So, here I am, saying that I’m gonna have to get help. I’m gonna have to do some things differently. Am I ready to do that before I get married in 34ish days? I’m not sure. Am I going to be ready on October 18th? Yes. Am I ready to feel better? Yes! Am I ready to not hate myself? Definitely. I’ve been waiting my whole life to love myself.

So, how did I get here? How did this happen to me? Sometimes I wonder if I did something to make myself deserve this? Do I deserve to physically and mentally be in pain over eating a peanut butter sandwich or a hamburger? Or heck, even bread? I used to be mad at God, but now, I think I’m just a little upset sometimes with Him but I don’t think I’m angry anymore. I realize that I need to be able to turn to Him for prayer and comfort and that He DIDN’T do this to me.

"The Lord heals the brokenhearted, binds up their wounds, numbers all the stars, calls each of them by name.":

I used to think it was just me against the world. But after talking, I’ve realized it’s really not. It’s not Kairos v. Eating Disorder v. Anorexia v. the world. It’s Kairos (well, plus God) and Dad, Mom, Keegan and Marty against all those evil things.

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I’m really scared, totally terrified and completely petrified. I don’t like change. Even just saying the word right now literally means that nothing is the same. My entire mind and body changes. But for now, step 1 is saying the word. I did that. That’s pretty much all I can give right now. I’ll get to step 2, it’s just going to take a little bit. It took years to get to step 1, but it’s a positive step no matter how much time it took. I’ve never been more scared, but I know that there are at least 4 truly wonderful people who are more than willing to hold my hand through this.

No Kick From The Trigger

Bang, bang, rollin’ off your tongue. 

When the enemy attacks you in moments of weakness the LORD will rescue you. He will bring you into a safe place and He will deliver you because He takes delight in you who love and obey Him.  Amen

Inferior. It’s not a nice word or a pretty word or a pleasant feeling. But we’ve all felt it at some time. Lately, I think I’ve been feeling that for numerous reasons:

  • school because I don’t “have time” to read 25-50+ pages PLUS go to class
  • because I’m not working and going to college at the same time
  • because I’m not as pretty/insert thing here as someone else
  • because I’m considering getting married before my fiance and I have been engaged for an entire year
  • and sometimes, because I’m kind of afraid of the future

I’m sick and tired of that.

Words are literally like bullets shooting out of a gun. Once you pull that trigger, even the slightest bit, you set off a huge chain of events. That “bullet” leaves the barrel and immediately starts charging down its course to rip into a person. It slices the air into thin slivers and almost as easily as it left the gun, penetrates it’s victim. Straight to the heart or the head is the most lethal. The “bullet” is just as painful as words can be. I promise you. Once the bullet leaves the chamber, it is completely out in the open, out of your hands and there’s no way to take it back. No rewind button whatsoever. You can’t pull it back in and make it disappear. Just like words leave a mouth, bullets charge away.

I wish words were like little toy guns. 

Carrie Underwood - Little toy Guns love it!!

Wish they didn’t break you inside.

But that’s the strangest thing about words. They do hurt. They do cause pain. Maybe the worst type of pain. So, what are you doing with your words? Do you use them as weapons to cut and slay and manipulate others, or do you use them in the best way you can? Are you trying to remember that anything you say can actually hurt someone? I think that we have to remember that words and both magical and harmful. Let’s use those to be positive : )

I don’t wanna feel inferior about not working or wanting to get married before a year has passed. The negative feelings about beauty will take time, but I can change the others now. I’m not working because I take 18 hours….that’s hard for me. Going to school is hard for me…handling this ed, that’s hard for me…and both together are difficult. But I’m going to do it….I’m going to make it.

true!

Clear Eyes…Full Hearts

The first week of new semesters ALWAYS brings it’s own hidden anxieties. I’m just like everyone else to falls victim to the pressure/excitement/unknown variables that a new semester brings. Of course, for me, that just adds onto the already huge dark hovering pressure of Ed and all his “glory”. I have to make and devote time to ensure my mental sanity remains at a good level. So, that’s been my struggle this week. It’s been trying to juggle a new already stressful semester and trying to focus on not what new burdens the semester brings, but here in the moment about that I actually CAN control.

Next, I found something really interesting on Pinterest the other night. Go Pinterest, Go!!! I found this pin that led to this website about a Body Image Bible Study.

http://vevahealth.com/2013/06/17/body-image-bible-study-2/

Tween Girl Art, Owl art, Nerd Owl. Home Decor, Inspirational Art, art print on wood by Jennifer McCully

I looked at it this afternoon and at first, I wasn’t all that impressed. At first, I just thought it was the same old type of study where you read the verse “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” or “You knit me in my mother’s womb.” Yeah, those verses are wonderful and all, but personally, I think those two in particular ARE OVERUSED!! Those verses were included in this, however, it also instructed you to read Psalm 139 in it’s entirety. I ran across a few points that quite honestly made me a bit teary eyed.

139:1-3:: “You searched me…you know when I sit and rise…You perceive my THOUGHTS…” WHAT?! I mean, I knew all of this, but ponder that for just a second. There isn’t a thing I do or a feeling I have that God isn’t aware that I’m experiencing. To me, this is an absolutely amazing/comforting feeling.

139:11-12:: “the darkness will hide me.” I can’t say that I haven’t thought about it. I’ve thought about ‘hiding’ from God. I thought that because of all these negative and self hating thoughts I have, I thought that God wouldn’t want me. BUT the Bible says, “even the darkness will not be dark to you.”

139:23:: “search me and know my heart….know my ANXIOUS thoughts.” This is one of the last verses and it just jumped out at me because it says the word anxious. I think my body literally runs on anxiety. It’s crazy the amount I have. There’s times at night where I can’t fall asleep for hours because I suddenly and overwhelmed with intense anxiety about everything in my life. But this clearly states that God knows them and that gives hope that you can let go.

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New Year’s Resolutions anyone?? Oh please, I’ll pass. All those promises made are just waiting to be broken 1, 2 or even 3 months into the year. Sure they are supposed to be a commitment, but how often do people make promises or commitments that they have no intention of upholding or allow them to crumble to pieces because the “going got tough”. I think my point is that I really despise the saying “new year, new me”. Why? Just why?

I’ve also been doing a lot of thinking over the past two days. I knew that one day when I was getting ready to get married that my eating disorder was going to get worse. I knew that. Did I accept that? NO! But in the back of my mind did I probably know that was true? Yeah, I probably did. I don’t really have many words to describe the pain…well actually I don’t mean pain. I mean pressure. It’s an insurmountable pressure. I feel like there is so much pressure to look just right and achieve the correct “bridal look” whatever that may be. But it’s all I feel all the time. Pressure. I don’t even think it stems from an actual person. I think I provide this unattainable level of pressure for myself. I think I have an image and I don’t even know how that happened.

I guess I could say that I wasn’t ready for this day to get here, but that’s not true. I’m ready to get married…to be married. What I wasn’t prepared for was the pressure. Even though I knew, I knew that this would happen. The truth is, I was never going to be ready for this. I was never going to be mentally prepared to wear this beautiful white dress.  It’s terrifying and overwhelming…but magical all wrapped up together. It’s a weird time in life.

I think I have this pressure because I think that I just want to be perfect. I think I want to be perfect looking for my fiancé or soon to be husband. Not that he’s set an unattainable goal for me, but I think I have for myself.

This is about to be a really big year for me. In May I turn 21, I get married in June and then finally to end the year I’ll graduate from college. There’s so much to look forward to and be thankful for.

So, I’m not making a resolution. I’m refocusing my goals in 2015. I don’t expect to change overnight or even half my habits in a new year, but a millimeter of progress in this department is the equivalent of climbing a mountain for me.

Is It Okay To Be Angry With God?

Is it okay for me to be angry with God????

I find myself asking this question lately. There’s quite a few yes and no’s to me. We’ll go through my long list of pros and cons in a moment, however, I think I should cover why I’m actually upset with God.

These words kept me going during a really hard time. And no truer words have ever been spoken. I am so blessed

Back about a year ago, God had just started me on this entirely new journey in my life. New relationships were forming, I was communicating with someone literally across the world, I was in the process of transferring schools, and I was about to begin the very, very long road to recovery with my eating disorder (which is what I’m still currently embarking on.) I’m not going to go into depth because that would take entirely too much time and it’s very personal. But, all of these things that were happening to me combined, was very taxing and upsetting for me. I suddenly found myself wondering if I was upset…or even, heaven forbid, angry with God. Was I? Am I? What? Is that even okay?

I’ve heard it said time and time again that you should not, could not, would not  in a box with a fox (sorry, I got a little Dr. Seuss there.) But I’ve always heard that you shouldn’t get angry with God. I do understand that, I do. I mean, He was the creator of all things, He created you, He blessed you and He has provided you with everything that you ever had or ever will have. So why in the world would you ever become angry with Him?

Welllll, I’m going to take a step back here. I believe that it is very hard to be completely happy with one person. We are human, we want things and when we don’t get them or when bad things happen to us can we always be expected to say ‘oh, I guess that’s God’s intention, I guess I better just accept it.’ That’s not logical!! Who has ever just out rightly accepted something?!

For a while, I kinda went around kicking myself and telling myself that I was doing everything wrong. Yes, I love God. I do. It wasn’t until I went to one of my very first sessions with my therapist that I felt at ease with what I was going through. I had told her that I was upset with God and I was really angry at Him for giving me- well not giving me-this eating disorder. I felt like it was really unfair. I couldn’t understand why I needed to go through this or this terrible thing needed to happen to me. It’s a painful and confusing thing to go through. I couldn’t decide if I had done something to deserve this eating disorder.

Thankfully, God was looking out for me when He allowed this eating disorder to happen to me though, He provided me with a very strong christian woman to guide me through recovery. She explained to me one day that it was completely fine for me to angry with God. I had justifiable reasoning to be upset with God. I am going through something absolutely painful and personally, I just think it’s okay to be a little upset with God. She explained that God is a big guy and that He can take me being a little upset with Him.

My boyfriend also said something that really helped me when I was telling him about how I was upset/angry with God. He said that as long as I go back and apologize and don’t stay mad at him forever, that it really will be okay.

So, to answer my question at the very beginning, I personally feel that being angry with God is acceptable. Is it something that you should be? No! Absolutely not.  I don’t believe that it is actually something you should strive to be, but I believe that if something extreme happens to you, that it’s acceptable to be upset or angry with God. You just have to keep in mind that God knows what He is doing. He’s got you in the palm of His hand. He knows that He is doing and that if you are truly His child He will lead you in the right direction and carry out His plan for your life.

words print- its ok to get angry with god

This Is The Last Straw, Don’t Wanna Hurt Anymore

Florence + the Machine - Shake It Out

I have this friend, his name is Ed. This guy has been my friend for gosh, as long as I can remember. Man, we’ve just been through everything together. What a great guy. Anyways, even though Ed and I have been friends for a long time, he gets on my nerves a lot! Half the time, he finds some way to insult me. He’ll talk about my clothes, my makeup or say I didn’t make a good enough grade, or something ridiculous. Like he is perfect, right?! But everything that Ed says to me, hits me in the heart. Breaks my heart, honestly.

You know what? Actually, I’m telling you all a really good lie right now. While I have known Ed forever, he isn’t actually my friend. He’s my worst enemy and his name is actually short for Eating Disorder.

So before I start, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I’m not saying this for attention or pity. This is really my life. This is really something I struggle with. This is all too real and something I know all too well.

First I want to start with this verse:

“I praise you; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that well.” –Psalms 139:14

Do you know what I think about almost every time I hear that verse? **Throws paper** I think bull corn. I don’t feel that way.

 

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You know, honestly, I never thought this would happen to me. I never thought I’d be the girl with the eating disorder. But the fact of the matter this is my life and I’m about to share my journey with you. This is the first time I’ve ever admitted to this in public.

So, has anybody here ever been made fun of because of how they looks or ever felt bad about themselves because of a comment someone said? Have you ever felt like you weren’t smart enough? That nobody wanted you? That you weren’t pretty enough, or weren’t interested in the things that other guys were? Have you ever looked at somebody and tried to find something negative or bad about them. And finally, have you ever looked at someone and tried to find something beautiful about them?

I guarantee that every single one of you has felt that way once. Personally, I have felt every one of those ways. But you know what I do these days? I see a person and I try to find at least one thing that I like about that person. But to understand why I feel this way, you have to know the darkness inside my head.

Ever since I was a little girl, for as long as I can remember I’ve always had a terrible relationship with food and my body. It wasn’t until I got into high school however that things escalated. I found myself doing 100’s of crunches, thinking about what I ate and becoming more into workouts. By the time I was a senior, I remember getting on the scale every single night, measuring my waist and trying to figure out ways to make myself smaller. I found myself having my absolute best relationship with my bathroom floor because it saw basically all my tears. All of my pictures from graduation, I pretty much hate them because every time I look at them, all I can think about is how I look good in that heart dress because I didn’t eat all day.

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When I started college, everything got worse instead of better. I insisted on working out every single day, no matter what, for at least an hour. I did countless numbers of ab workouts, barely ate anything and had an overwhelming desire to see my abs. I would come home on the weekends stand in the kitchen and cry to my parents saying that I wasn’t skinny anymore. No matter how much I worked out or how little I ate, it was never good enough. I had a lot of firsts last year in college, from my first year in a dorm, to the very first time I found myself starring at the toilet bowl. Scary moments. Finally, I stopped showing and talking altogether because nobody believed me. I felt stupid. Like people thought was doing it for attention. Nobody understood there’s a constant voice.

In August, I started at ASU and for the very first time, I admitted I needed help. I started to go to therapy and tried to start talking about my issues. It’s helped some, but not very much.

 

I still find Ed screaming at me constantly. Ed still makes me feel bad every single time I eat. Ed still makes me cry every day. Ed still makes me run 3 miles every day. Ed is still very present and a very loud voice. I judge myself every morning and depending on how skinny I am that day determines what kind of outfit I get to wear and what food I eat that day. The charm bracelet that I wear every day is also another way to measure myself. If it hangs on my wrist, it’s a good day.

Anorexia isn’t just a physical attribute. It’s a mental way of thinking. Restriction, constant measurement, and compulsively working out all factor in its OCD. Often times, I wonder how anyone could ever love me with this disorder.

There’s a lot of things I can’t do because of Ed. I can’t wear a swim suit. I can hardly wear a dress or high heels. I can’t just go to a restaurant and order anything on the menu. Before I go there, I have to look up the nutrition facts and order the food with the lowest number. I only eat about 6 or 7 different foods because Ed has designated those as “safe foods”. And worst of all, I can’t wake up every day and not have Ed be the first thing on my mind.

So, since I go to therapy every week, I came up with another idea to help me cope when I’m not there. I write in this blog at least once a week, if not more often. It’s kind of life my online journal. It allows me to post songs, lyrics and pictures that I relate to or say exactly what I feel. It lets me have more personalization and share my journey with people.

I wear this ring with anchors on it now, and for me, that symbolizes Ed and my eating disorder. I found this verse and I hold it very close to my heart now.

“God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may greatly encouraged.”

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” –Hebrews 6:19

And I really hope that one day; I will be able to say this verse to myself.

“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness therefore will I rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” -2 Corinthians 12:9

And one day, I hope that I finally get to live a life without an eating disorder.

~Divergent~ ~Insurgent~ ~Allegiant~

Never Thought I’d Be That Girl

My mind has been in so many different places lately. Literally, all over the place. Sometimes, I just take a step back and have to realize how blessed that I am. However, Ed makes that difficult to do sometimes. Especially at this time of year where things like food, candy, cookies and other treats are so easily accessible. Yeah, good luck trying not to binge or restrict yourself or telling Ed to go screw himself.

Anyways, the other day I was looking on Pinterest, when I came across this pin.

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That really hit home for me. When I was younger I used to see the lifetime movies or hear the health lectures at school about not having an eating disorder, and even though I kind of knew I had a problem, I NEVER actually thought I’D be the girl with an eating disorder. With my very own personal struggle, and with my very own personal Ed.

Sometimes it’s difficult to wrap my mind around the fact that this is my actual life. This is actually happening to me. This is my daily battle. And as much as I don’t want it to be and as much as I’d like to pretend Ed doesn’t exist, this is real life. 

It’s at the point in the day, where I start to feel discouraged and like Ed is never going to let me out of his heavy grasp (and I have alot of those lately) that I have to remind myself that getting rid of Ed’s voice is a daily thing and an ongoing process. It takes courage to admit I have a problem. It takes courage to just eat something sometimes. It takes courage NOT to go work out. It takes courage to stand up sometimes and say ‘Screw you, Ed. I’m going to do what I want for 5 minutes.’

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I’m really into anchors lately, and some people think I’m a little strange for that. I think they are pretty neat though. They are a symbol for me. A symbol of hope. Mostly because of the Bible verse that I have come to cherish.

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pink stripes anchor