Tag Archives: anxiety

This Classroom Runs on Love, Chocolate & Diet Coke

Let’s take a peek into my diary. Let me just out rightly say what I’ve been thinking over the past week and how I’ve been feeling about some things.

Last week I did my first official “big girl job”/teacher duty thing by attending a new teacher bootcamp workshop for 2 days. It wasn’t particularly interesting…or helpful really…but I did make me feel better because I had my class rules and behavior/expectations in order when many of the other teachers at the workshop did not. *Score 1 in that column for Mrs. Powell!* Maybe the only score I sometimes feel. Being a new teacher bring me so much stress and anxiety. I think some nights I sit on my living room couch and stress about the unknown or stress about stress. Usually, when I feel these types of feelings I try to distract myself by watching some TV show or something; lately it’s been Guilt, Pretty Little Liars, Little House on the Prairie, The Middle and my newest obsession, Scandal. Jeez, it sounds like I watch a bunch of TV!

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Watching these shows usually can take me into a different world so that I don’t have to pay attention to my own for just a little bit. It takes my mind off of the anxiety of being a new teacher, worrying if I’ll have time to workout, having anxiety of the catered/provided meals that will happen my first week of inservice, worrying if my students will like me, trying to figure out how to actually be a teacher and actually function as an adult. That doesn’t mean I don’t freak out in my head almost every hour.

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Last week, I was up in my classroom. I was alone at the school. Literally nobody else was in the building. It was just me. I sat there at my desk-which is at the back of the room-and stared at the little round empty tables with the little red chairs surrounding them. I remembered the blank canvas I’d been given and how with a little help I’d transformed it into a little ranch for my students to come and learn in. I knew I was in the right place but at the moment I just felt unsure of myself. Then, I realized, everybody feels this way. Everybody feels like they are going to fail the first time they try something new. I tried to tell myself though, there will hopefully always be people around willing to let me ask questions, willing to help me, and willing to let me make mistakes and learn. My student’s won’t know that I’m a first year teacher who hasn’t the slightly clue what I’m doing. They. Won’t. Know. They won’t care! As long as I try my best to help them grow and learn and show that I care about them, that’s all that will matter to their little minds.

As I am about to embark on this new journey and chapter into my life I’ve been giving myself this pep talk a lot. I’ve also been giving myself other “talks” about my food, eating and working out. I’ve been trying to drill in my brain that I don’t always have to workout for an hour or more. I even Googled this! It has yet to stick in my head but I have a feeling with work starting….it might soon. Which is frightening. I’ve also been trying to tell myself that I am more than my body. People don’t like me because I’m skinny and they won’t dislike me or maybe even notice if it changes. People like you for you and the kind of person you are.

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Now, I can write those words and say them all day long, but I have to get myself to believe it and get myself to believe that I can eat dinner and still be a person people like. I have to believe that I will still like myself if I eat dinner.

Last thing: this is pretty personal. I decided a couple of days ago that I needed to go out to a store and by myself some new….undergarments. I’m sick and tired of having the ones I do own make me feel bad. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. If I’m going to try and attempt this whole “like myself, maybe workout less and eat dinner thing” I don’t need another thing on my plate myself me feel bad about myself.

I think that my diary entry basically ends here…for I have run out of rambling thoughts.

I’ve also found a whole bunch of hilarious teacher ecards on Pinterest recently. Well, my lame sense of humor and I find them hilarious.

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Saddle Up For New Adventures

Let’s hope this ‘P’ on the outside of my classroom door makes the students want to come in and learn from me. Personally, I think I’m fun and friendly.

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My Mom and I have been working so hard on getting this classroom ready for the upcoming school year. I’m so so super excited. I’m also very nervous. More nervous than I’ve ever been about anything! I think I’ve just got this huge fear of failure. I may be a bit of a perfectionist.

The school’s theme this year is ranch/western and for the student’s classroom jobs I decided to called them “Ranch Hand”. Is that not kind of adorable? I know, I know, I’m such a dorky teacher.

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My Mom found these cute little cowboy and cowgirl clipart characters to put of the board I called “Top Hand”. We thought it would be a cute way to display student’s work in the classroom.

Shout out to my Grandma for giving me the “Little Critter” characters. They make the library area look even cuter! I’m also pretty proud of the fact that I called the lunch options “Daily Chow”. My husband completely rolled his eyes when I told him. He thinks I’m a cheeseball. 20160721_110757

This word wall will be the death of me. SO. SO. Many. Dang. Words. Plus the tape we have been working with is the worst! Seriously. We even bought 2 other rolls to try out. Apparently, we are terrible at picking tape! However, the gingham pattern I picked for the word wall is cute. I guess I needed to find a silver lining somewhere! 20160721_111117

My desk is still an absolute mess but that’s because I’m not fully finished putting everything in it’s rightful place. However, I did get to put some pictures on my desk just to make the room feel a little bit more like my home…you know, since I’m going to spend so many hours in that room.

Basically, I’m just really excited and while I like to have my room decorated cute, friendly and inviting I do believe that it’s not about the decor. It’s about being organized, prepared and having an environment where student’s can excel at learning 🙂

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I’m about to go to my very first workshop/actual work function. This is about to become real, y’all.

Sometimes, I feel like it’s really easy for me to stress out and get major anxiety over starting work, balancing marriage and trying to fit in workouts. This past week I’ve been pretty on edge about it. Internally, I’ve pretty much been freaking the heck out about working out. I don’t know what the deal is. It’s still summer and I have time to do it. I don’t really know why, but I get to like 9:00 in the morning and I start to panic that my day is gone and I have no time to run or whatever. What’s my problem??? Pretty sure it’s 9:00 in the morning and there are at least 10 hours in the day. I have time! I don’t really know why my anxiety has been so built up and present this week but I’m trying my best to suppress it and make these negative feelings go away.

Patriotic York Patties & Coke Zero Thoughts

Recovery is hard y’all. Getting to a “healthy” weight is hard. Hearing that “you look ‘healthy’ now” are very difficult words to swallow.

Today has been a pretty good/relaxing day. Happy 4th of July 🙂 I spent my day going for a run, doing some cleaning up, doing some odd cleaning jobs and working on my Christmas cross stitch (welcome to Christmas in July haha). I just finished making dinner (hamburgers/cheeseburgers I was trying to make the All-American meal) and I was sitting here drinking my Coke Zero and patriotic York patties and decided I would write I guess.

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I’ve been having a rough time lately. I don’t think anybody has really noticed but I haven’t exactly been trying to broadcast it either. I do find myself being able to eat dinner more often, however as long as I think it’s “good”, “safe”, “low calorie/low fat”. Nevertheless, I eat dinner more consistently. Lately though, I find myself with these thoughts of ‘I need to eat less tomorrow’, ‘maybe I should try skipping breakfast’ (HA. That one is super funny for me), ‘we need to work out harder’ (uh…I don’t know how I could go any harder. Crazy Ed!), or thoughts from that realm. They aren’t positive thoughts and they don’t bring goodness or happiness. They bring sorrow, fatigue, ache, rejection of myself, self-disappointment and fear. I don’t need this kind of negativity in my life!

Honestly, my life is going pretty darn well right now. I just got the keys to my very first classroom last week and I get to clean it out and decorate it and really make it my school home. That’s so exciting for me. I need exciting and happy things in my life; I don’t need to be bogged down by what the heck I’m eating for lunch and worrying about if it’s going to make my students, co-workers, family, friends or husband like me less!! I’d love to be able to blame the restriction mentality on the fact that I just got my room and I feel like I have literally no idea what I’m doing. Seriously. I went to 3 ½ years of school for this degree and I feel so unprepared…hahaha. I’m sure lots of people feel this way though. I’ve been reassured that everyone feels the nerves, anxiety and fear when they start a new job. I read this article today (it was slightly on the dirty-ish side but not really). Anyways, it was about body image in the bedroom. It was a lengthy article but it was also helpful in more than one way. It was talking about ways to make you feel better about yourself and being proud of yourself. The author also talked about how your partner doesn’t solely love you for your body. Your family and friends don’t love you solely for your body. I didn’t get my first teaching job because I eat a bunch of yogurt, fruit and “healthy” foods. The author said to turn the situation around and think about if your spouse, friends or family looked a little differently would it have any effect on how much you love and care about them? NO! Heck no! Reading that article today did help me in its own strange way. Here’s the link if you actually want to read it Body Image In The Bedroom by Sarah Vance.

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Right now, I’m trying so hard to not center my life around my freaking food and flipping workout schedule. Trying. So. Hard. There is really more to life than meal planning and doing the same workout routine right on schedule every day.

Basically, that’s what I’ve been thinking. Andddddd because I’m a dork and super-duper excited, here’s a picture of my classroom. Definitely the “before” shot!!!!!

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Oh! Also my Grandma started painting this “P” for me a few weeks ago when I was down there and she mailed it to me this week. She’s super sweet and this turned out so cute! Looking forward to finding a place in my new room to hang it.

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Thinking Out Loud 6/22

Linking up with Amanda over on Running With Spoons for thinking out loud.

Thinking-Out-Loud21. First things first! I finally finished my latest cross stitch pattern (don’t worry, I already ordered another. One could say I’m a bit obsessed.) The one I just finished was Alice in Wonderland themed. Personally, I think it’s super cute. It’s the biggest and most complex one I’ve completed so far. I’m awful proud of myself.

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I ironed it all out after this picture. 

2. I thought Pretty Little Liars was kind of uneventful this week…for being the premiere and all. Honestly, I’m not that into the show anymore, mainly because I just can’t keep track of all the characters, all the crazy random things from seasons back that seem to suddenly matter and I just can’t remember all the wacky things that have occurred over the seasons. I just forget! Quite frankly, I’m pretty ready for this show to come to an end even though I’ve enjoyed it. I’m sticking with it though!! I didn’t watch for this many years not to see this thing through to the end!

3. On the other hand, Marty and I kept seeing all the previews for the new show called Guilt on Freeform. Basically, every time we saw it we would kind of poke fun at it but I was still just a bit interested. I ended up watching the show and I’ve got to say, I’m already kind of sucked into this show. I’m pretty excited to have a brand new show to watch. I WILL NOT be watching that new Dead of Summer show though. Just no.

4. I’ve started rereading the Little House series again by Laura Ingalls Wilder. I’ve always loved these books so I just thought they would be a good summer reading project. It will also be a good way to pass the time while I wait for my new cross stitch pattern to come in the mail. (I usually don’t order them.) Anyway, the books got me thinking that maybe I should start watching the show so now I’ve got the DVR recording them whenever they come on. I feel like such an old soul. But Laura Ingalls is just so cute!

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5. Finally, on Tuesday I got to watch Finding Dory! I went with one of my friends and that movie is just too cute for words! I really did enjoy watching it. I was a bit nervous about it because Dory wasn’t exactly one of my favorite characters from the original flick. I’m glad I got to see it though 🙂 Thanks discount Tuesdays at our local Cinemark!

Road Trips and Thoughts

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It was a mother/daughter mid-week trip! My Mom and I had a change of plans this past week. We were originally supposed to go to Dallas, but instead we went to visit my grandparents in Kingsville, TX.

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While we were there, of course we have to eat at 2 local iconic places: Young’s Pizza (which has wayyyyy more than pizza) and Harrel’s Soda Fountain. Harrel’s is seriously one of THE cutest places I’ve ever been to. Every time we go see my grandparents we have to go there. Especially when we visit at Christmas because that’s when they have this extra special room filled with all sorts of exciting Christmas goodies. I also may or may not have acquired some more cute salt and pepper shakers from my grandma from that store……

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Young’s Pizza: baked potato with grilled chicken and mushrooms!!

We also may or may not have done some shopping for “big girl” job type clothes. We were pretty darn successful 🙂 It was a fun and quick trip. We got to visit with my grandparents who I haven’t seen in a long time. I got my grandma to give me some classroom ideas because she was  teacher way back in the dark ages. She also started working on a classroom door sign that I wanted to make. I brought a wooden letter P for her to draw some school type things on there and write my name. I wanted to be able to hang it on my door when I finally get my classroom 🙂 She’s also a really great artist and I am most definitely not! Thankfully, she can help in that department. She hasn’t finished yet, but when she does I think she is supposed to mail it to me.

While this past week has been fun, don’t get me wrong I’ve had some major anxiety happening. I did get to run while I was on this trip but sometimes with me I feel like running isn’t enough. It’s not far enough, it’s not hard enough, it’s not ‘something’ enough. I don’t know what “enough” would be. I just feel like I’m constantlyalways falling short of whatever I have imagined “enough” being. I don’t know how to shake that feeling or how to achieve “enough” . I feel like there is something wrong with me because of the fact that I keep feeling this way. I tried so very hard these past few days to keep eating “healthy” but it just seems like it wasn’t right and it wasn’t what I was supposed to be doing. I guess, what I’m trying to say with all of these words is that I just feel like it’s not good enough sometimes. Maybe I feel like I’m not quite good enough? How do you become “enough” ?

All in all, this week was fun and it was great just to get away for a few days. I am very glad to be back in my comfortable bed though with my husband and 2 dogs that were extra hyper when I got home last night! 🙂

 

You Are My Sunshine

It was a weekend filled with family, love, super scary food adventures and most importantly celebrating love 🙂

This past weekend my husband and I traveled to Marathon, Texas for a family wedding. There isn’t a whole lot in this town, however the hotel we stayed at was phenomenal and the views were just spectacular! It really was a highly enjoyable weekend and great to get away for just a few hours.

We stayed at The Gage Hotel which was also the location of the wedding. It was a beautiful venue! I don’t know how the bride found it but it was lovely.

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We stayed in this old colonial style house (I think it said it was colonial. I can’t really remember all that well. Who cares, it was gorgeous.) with some other family members as we enjoyed the weekend.

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Most of my time was filled with visiting with family members, getting to know them better or just spending time with my husband. On Saturday morning Marty and I walked from our room down to this super adorable restaurant to enjoy breakfast. We were the only ones there because we are both such early risers.

I did manage to get a run in that morning as well. Marathon is really small so I basically ran the entire town as my route. The first part of the run I was basically playing photographer instead of running. The view of the “mountains” was just too neat! Very pretty. Also, windmills. Windmills everywhere! I actually find windmills a nice view by themselves.

Throughout the whole weekend I tried my very hardest to keep the screaming ED thoughts at bay. This is so difficult when they are usually so prominent. I wanted to enjoy the mini vacation and time with my husband and family. This is difficult though when I’m eating foods that are just SO foreign and sometimes you don’t even know that they are. I’m terrified of food that I don’t know the caloric content of and so I was face to face with one of my biggest fears every meal every day we were there. I was faced with people asking how my food was, asking if I had eaten and I felt like were watching me. I’m just different when it comes to food. I just want to eat it and not discuss it. Other people, normal people, that don’t have eating issues, are probably able to enjoy food more easily and discuss among themselves. It just keeps me like a cat on a hot tin roof! I tried to keep myself from being too on edge about it. I really did.

I did make one discovery at lunch Saturday though! I ate part of M’s sandwich and I learned that I think I like rye bread. I need to go to HEB asap so check this stuff out!

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Saturday evening was wedding time!!! The location for the ceremony was in the backyard of the house we were staying at and it was just gorgeous. It was simple but the scenery really took your breath away. The weather in Texas was finally cooperating as well!

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We ended the evening by having dinner at the reception and celebrating with the bride and groom.

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You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray 🙂

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This weekend I had to learn to let go of some of my control. I can’t ALWAYS pack my lunch. I can’t ALWAYS know about food beforehand. I can’t ALWAYS be expected to pick the lowest calorie/most healthy choice on the menu. There are just some things I literally cannot know prior to events. I can’t let that damper my experiences though! I can’t let food keep me from having fun or a good time. I can’t let myself walk around in one giant ball of worry and anxiety because I’m worried about how this piece of bread will work in my body and where I’m going to find it in the mirror lately. Sometimes, you have to try and live in the moment and actually live.

Sometimes, you have to be fearless.

Link Love 5/29

It’s already the end of May?!?!?!! WHAT?!?! How is it that as we age time flies so much quicker than it used to?

I feel like this week has been endless. Seriously. However, I did find out something exciting (well, exciting if you are a school dork like me). I found out our school-wide theme!!! RANCH! How super cute?!

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Quizzes/Fun:

What Kind Of Pancakes Are You? by Nathan W. Pyle via Buzzfeed

I got whole wheat oatmeal pancakes. That’s probably totally what I would eat, but I sound super lame and boring.

‘Girl Meets World’ New Opening Sequence– by Maddy Foley via Yahoo! and HelloGiggles

This is important!!

Here’s How the New Fruity Crisp and Blueberry Pie Oreos Really Taste– by Erin Cullum via PopSugar

Blueberry Pie and Fruity Crisp??? Like Fruity Pebbles? Kay then…….

I’m not sure how I feel about the 15 different kinds of flavors of Oreos (or whatever the real number is). I feel like when I was a kid there was only one or two kinds. I also remember when they made the inside out Oreo and I thought it was SUCH a big deal.

Life/Love/Health:

16 Love Idioms From Around the World (Illustrated by Elly Walton)– by Bibi Deitz via Bustle8bf85a00-0426-0134-e750-0a315da82319

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Does Baking Help Mental Health? by JR Thorpe via Bustle

Some Things You Can’t Wake Up From– by Cayanne via HealthyEzSweetLife

This Is Why Some of Us Talk in Our Sleep– by Vicky Chandler via GoodHouseKeeping

In case you were just curious.

Also, you need to try this. Warning: it is kind of addicting. I was trying to think of all the names of people I know. Mine doesn’t work because my parents think it’s cool to name you obscure names, but it’s still cool!

Find Out What Your Name Would Be If You Were Born Today– by Chris Wilson via Time

 

Link Love 5/22

Favorite Post of the Week:

How To Be Okay Gaining Weight– by Kylie via yeah…Imma Eat That

If you read NOTHING else….read this. I especially like #4 and the acronym she uses. I seriously 100% feel that way. Kylie just did a phenomenal job.

Quizzes/Fun:

25 of the World’s Top Travel Destinations – by Emily co via PopSugar

Wow. All so beautiful!

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Saint Petersburg, Russia

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How My Mom Taught Me To Kick My Eating Disorder in the Ass-by Cayanne via HealthyEzSweet Life

I ❤ my Mommy, too.

Most Watched TV Show Set in Each StateMost Watched TV Show Set in Each State– by Kevin O’Keeffe via Arts.Mic

Health/Body Positive:

6 Rules That Helped Me Recover From Exercise Addiction– by Kindal Boyle via Lifting Revolution

I totally view exercise the same way she did. I use running/elliptical/body movement as a way to “earn” my food. You don’t have to “earn” food! I know, I know.

#2 scares me to death to even read….lol

What To Do When You Miss Your Hard Workout (or two or three of them…)– by Janae via Hungry Runner Girl

I just love how she is real about it and says….it happens to everyone. We are only human. We can’t be hardcore and constantly going on a routine all the time. Life happens!

Food Shaming and Comparison: The Thief of Joy– by Robyn via The Real Life RD

What she said. It SUCKS the LIFE out of you. “That somehow eating less makes you more feminine or something.” WHY do I feel like she is speaking directly to me and WHY do I feel like this?!

“People don’t care about your pant size. They are about your heart.” 🙂

 

Thinking Out Loud 5/18

Linking up with Amanda over on Running with Spoons for a Thinking Out Loud again 🙂 It’s been a very, very nice week 🙂 Amanda’s Blog

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  1. I had a really important job interview this past Monday morning. So, naturally, after my interview I OF COURSE carried on my tradition of an after interview Coke Zero and a selfie. I was really nervous, but it turned out that I think it’s going to end up being a new adventure 🙂

2. I can finally sing the Taylor Swift 22 song!!! Yay!! “Everything will be alright, if we just keep dancing like we’re 22!!!!” I’m pretty pumped.

3. Apparently, I no longer live in Texas. I live in Seattle or some sort of rain forest or permanent tropical storm. I know, I know, I’m a bad Texan for wishing away the rain, but it’s the middle of May, it’s yet to be actually sunny and it’s a whopping 58 degrees.

4. My little brother is now in NHS. He’s so cute, he wanted to take a picture with me yesterday 🙂 He’s getting too old!!!

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5. Lastly, birthday stuff!!!! Part of Marty’s present was this mug. It cracks me up and is pretty true. He’s adorable. 2016-05-17 20.22.21

My mom got me these super adorable Raggedy Ann salt and pepper shakers and a watch! I’ve learned through subbing that as a teacher, wearing a watch is super useful because you don’t always have a pocket to check your phone.

Have a wonderful weekend!!!

Thinking Out Loud

Link Love 5/15

Fun/Quizzes:

The Food You Relate To Most, According To Your Birthday-Zoe Bain via Refinery29

My birthday is this week 🙂 May 17th. It’s Cherry Cobbler Day. No, thanks!

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What Would These Picture-Perfect TV Homes Actually Cost?-by Hana R. Alberts via New York Post

What Is Your Personal Big Bang Theory Catchphrase?-by Jack Jersey via Playbuzz

I got “Holy crap on a cracker!”

Interesting/Advice:

5 Things No One Tells You About Finding Your Wedding Dress– by Hannah Weil McKinley via PopSugar

#4 I definitely did not cry. But it was magical.

#5 I actually had another bridal appointment scheduled that day. However, at the 1st shop I found my dress, so I didn’t go onto the other shop and continue to drag out dress shopping for the sake of it.

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Healthy/Body Positive:

How To Stop Body Checking– by Amanda via Real Life Recovery Diary

This is so hard.

Trusting my body (WIAW)– by Kate Bennett via The Domestikated Life

I think this is comforting to me….I think. I’m just scared, as usual.

15 Little Body Victories That Deserve Celebration– by Anna Borges via Buzzfeed

L O V E allllllll of these. Some are even slightly humorous. So very true though. I need some ribbons for some of these accomplishments.