Tag Archives: anxiety

Can I Have A Burger Now?

If you are anything like me, you have a lot of random thoughts during the day. At least, I hope I’m not the only one. Lately, I’ve had this recurring thought that I can’t seem to shake about my condition with my eating disorder, recovery and overall health.

I find myself wondering daily if working out all the time and eating “healthy” is really all worth it anymore. Sure, you should probably treat your body nicely and not just shove junk food in it all the time. But at what point do we stop? At what point does “eating healthy” stop. At what point does “healthy lifestyle” stop for me?? I keep telling myself that I can cut down on the workouts and eat different food and eat a freaking hamburger every now and then (I literally can’t remember the time I ate one. Actually, I can’t remember the last time I ate fast food.) I’m scared of it. But I just kinda want Sonic so bad! But…I’m a scaredy cat. What else can I do? When can I stop killing myself to keep fit?

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Lately, I walk around wondering when I stop torturing my body. When do I “let myself go” or “let myself live”? What is that point? I’ve been thinking lately, I’ve done the whole “super thin/fit/eating disorder look” hell, there are pictures to prove that from basically my entire college career and I’ve got bridal and wedding photos to prove that I was fairly sick. Do I really have to be that extreme anymore? Do I really have to keep trying to maintain a lifestyle where buying clothes at the store is a chore because of the size or only being able to eat certain foods on menus at restaurants because they don’t have an insane amount of calories or fat? Do I really have to constantly be a slave to some sort of running/elliptical every single day in order to maintain my current weight? Eventually, I’d like to think that I’m going to be able to take a day off from workouts and not freak the frick out or do yoga one day instead of intense cardio. There has to be a point where I can eat a sandwich on regular bread and not think anything of it, right?  I mean, there is photographic evidence in my life that I was thin and I was capable of being a thin person. I will forever have those photos. So, do I keep trekking down that road? Do I stop and suddenly eat whatever normally is?

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Does it end when I just give up working out altogether? I don’t necessarily think that’s the best idea. I think that might screw me up more. Right now I don’t have a ton going on so I would need something to fill my time. Plus, that sounds like I’m basically asking myself to be more restrictive with food. Does it end when I have a baby? If I can even have one. Does it end when I eventually get my first teaching job? I don’t think I will be able to come home from work every day and do a 30-45 minute running session. I just don’t. Which scares the ever-loving daylights out of me. You can’t even fathom how terrifying that is to me. That’s a whole bunch of change just thrown at me at once. I’ll be a first year teacher, have a job from at least 7:30-4, have to figure out dinner, commutes, and I just don’t see how workouts can always be an everyday thing. It’s scary.

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This whole thought process of mine lately is scary. I just keep wondering…..what if I wasn’t a size 2, what if it was a size 4 or 6 instead. Would that change anything? Would people suddenly think I was ridiculous or would they even notice? I’m not saying I want to go from one extreme to another (which would be having a body weight that was no longer healthy for my height) I’m just saying that what if I finally got to live like a normal person?

Also, can I just go eat something from Sonic now???

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Peanut Butter Swamp

Stop Comparing Yourself To Others And Focus On You — Here’s How– by Lisa Quast via Forbes

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Do you ever feel like you are standing completely still and the world is just whizzing by? Like you are sprinting as fast as you can but the peanut butter you are trekking through is slowing you down? It just won’t let you move any quicker than you are already going? Am I the only one who feels like I’m trying so hard, exerting all the efforts and doing everything I can the “right way” but still coming up a little short than others? Am I the only one who feels like they are stuck in a peanut butter swamp?!

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Don’t get me wrong, I love my peanut butter; but I don’t love running in it.

We’ve heard it said before that comparing yourself to others won’t get you anywhere. It won’t make you feel better about yourself. It won’t make you more successful and it doesn’t mean you are better than anybody else. Comparison creates misery. It doesn’t matter what we are comparing ourselves to others on, whether it be our body, our job, our intelligence, relationships, cooking skills, friendships or anything else under the sun, it’s all so self-destructive and damaging.

Everyone is on their own journey in life. We are all in different places. Lately, I’ve noticed in myself that as I look at these snapshots of other people’s lives on Instagram or Facebook I feel a little discouraged. I see people around my age getting married or graduating (which I’ve done both), getting a job, becoming more physically fit, reaching diet goals, reaching life goals, having a baby, traveling and seeming to have these grand successes. And I’m happy for them! I truly am but I feel like I’m standing in thick peanut butter. I can’t seem to stop myself from comparing my life to theirs! What is wrong with me?! It’s not that I’m not content with where I am. I love my life and everything God has provided me. I think that at times I just feel discouraged because I feel like I’m trying as hard as I possibly can to get a job and just come up short. Or, I see other women my age having a baby and it starts to me nervous and think… “Oh, should I be trying to have a baby? Am I getting old?!” (I know that’s an irrational thought. I’m NOT old. I also know that starting a family right now is not a road I want to venture down. However, that doesn’t stop my panic every now and then.) Then I see all the ads, progress pictures or just already in great shape women I follow and think that I’m “letting myself go”. I begin to think that I’m not pretty enough, I’m not working out hard enough and I’m going to gain all this weight and not be happy.

Here’s where my history with an eating disorder does not work in my favor. When I’m stressed out (which I already am with working towards recovery) I originally found my eating disorder voice. When I felt like I wasn’t good enough I found myself masking my emotions and feelings aside and trading them in for workouts, food restriction and cutting myself off from others. I was scared just like I am now. I have to fight so hard to keep my mind away from those thoughts. Some days they get the best of me. Some days I have to coach myself and say, “It’s okay to eat. It’s not going to make you less of a person.” or “You don’t have to run more than 4 miles. Moving a little is better than not moving at all.” I’m so terrified by other’s success that I feel like my minor ones are insignificant or even worse, failures.

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The fact that I can run 4 miles now, is a success. However, when I see these Instagram posts, “super fit pregnancy” pictures or Pinterest things with photographs of way physically fit women, I suddenly feel like less of a person and my confidence is shaken. I just start to wonder what I’m doing wrong or what else I could do to achieve their success. I feel like I’ve fallen behind. When I see someone else finally get the job they have been looking for, I begin that exact same cycle of comparison and wonder what I could do differently…..to achieve their success.

The two key words here are their success. Wait, why do I have somebody else’s success?! I AM capable of my OWN success. I just have to be patient. I have to work on myself. I have to be content with where I am in my journey in life. I don’t want someone else’s used gum, so why would I want someone else’s success? It’s already being used there. I want my own! Just like I want my own York patties, pizza and peanut butter sandwich 🙂

We haven’t “fallen behind” as we so often feel. We aren’t less of a person because we don’t look like someone else or aren’t in the exact same place as some people in our journey in life! We don’t know how long the person we are comparing ourselves to has been stuck in their own peanut butter swamp or what it took to get them to their current success. We are just us. We are all just doing the best we can. The best thing we can remember is this:

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And to remember to be patient and content-even in hard times-in our own peanut butter swamp.

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Society Is A Real WhatChaMaCallIt!

Today I found myself at a job fair. I’m on a major hunt for a steady teaching job right now. At this job fair, I wandered around and spoke to some schools but that’s not the point I’m getting to. I visited this one particular table where they had a fun-size candy bucket. Once I left the building, I sort of aquatinted myself with being “that kid” at Halloween. We all know the “one” I mean; the “one” who takes one than one single piece of your fun-size candy in the bucket. That was mean today…I took like 3..maybe 4. That’s what they are for, right?

As I was leaving the building to go run some other errands, I got to thinking about something that I didn’t realized bugged me until today. You know all those articles that pop up around Halloween, Christmas, Valentine’s Day and Easter about ‘how long you have to run to work off holiday treats’ or ‘what 100 calories really looks like in your candy’? I decided that they really infuriate me!!! It makes me mad in my deep, down core for multiple reasons. Here we go, deep breath.

Oh! Do you get the title now? A real WhatChaMaCallIt??? You just gotta Rolo with my Mounds of Gummie jokes here.

Article examples:

These Photos of 100 Calories of Valentine’s Day Candy Will Probably Break Your Heart– by Jenny Sugar via PopSugar

How Long It Takes to Burn Off Your Favorite Fun-Size Treat– by Leta Shy via PopSugar

How Much Exercise It Takes To Burn Off Your Favorite Valentine’s Sweets– by Kaylin Pound via Elite Daily

First of all: IT’S A DANG HOLIDAY!!!!!!!

Aren’t these the days that we aren’t supposed to be worrying about calories or what we are eating. Aren’t we supposed to be enjoying these holidays? Are we not allowed to divulge a little bit?! It’s Christmas/Halloween/insert your favorite holiday here for crying out loud! Heck, even if it’s not a holiday, maybe you just had a really crumby Thursday and wanted to eat your fun-size Snickers. I don’t think you should be judged.

Second of all: WHY are we so hyper-focused on ‘burning off’ our food?

Personally, because I’m still in the process of recovering from an eating disorder I do sometimes think about how I’m going to get rid of whatever I just ate later. However, I don’t think normal people are doing that. That’s not normal or intuitive eating. That’s disorder eating!!! These articles are having people think disordered thoughts! This is how eating disorders begin, y’all! When you begin to think ‘oh, how many miles am I going to have to run later?’ or ‘how many minutes of spin class/yoga do I need to do?’ if I eat *this specific piece of candy/chocolate* that’s when you are no longer enjoying what is supposed to be a treat. That’s when you begin to not want to eat anything be vegetables and water. We shouldn’t constantly have to feel like we need to have “food guilt” when we eat a fun-size snack! It’s highly dangerous in my opinion and these articles are just thrown around on just about every holiday I can think of.

Third of all: Why does society feel the need to constantly tell us to ‘be fit’ or workout?

I see it everywhere. Magazines, Facebook, random ads that pop up, news sites, radio, there are more places I know but those are all I can dish out right now. I see these headlines of ‘shrink 3 sizes in 2 weeks’, ‘look hot from behind’ and ‘look great naked’ among countless others. This one almost takes the cake for me: ‘how I got my body back’ wait, was it lost!? Good gosh, can’t we just be happy how we are?! These articles and magazines go around preaching ‘self-love’ but it really seems like are leaning towards promoting self-hate. Why do we need any articles about this at the grocery store? Where’s the article about how to like yourself more? I NEED that one!

I can’t really say it any better than how this Instagram user I follow said it. Her account is Nourish And Eat and her name is Gina and she promotes loving yourself and eating disorder recovery. She’s pretty inspirational.

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Finally: If we analyze everything we put in our mouth…..are we really living and enjoying life?

That’s the whole point of eating disorder recovery. It’s about feeling all your emotions and enjoying life and everything in it. I don’t know about you, but this girl needs her chocolate and I’d like to be able to savor it and not worry about what I just consumed and how I’m going to rid myself of it later. Life is meant to be enjoyed not merely in fun-size, but all the time. I think we just need to focus less on the ‘what’s in my holiday candy’ and enjoy eating the holiday candy we love! Because let’s be honest, it’s so so so very good and one perk of being an adult is getting to take more than one piece out of the Halloween candy bucket that night 😉

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Link Love: 4/3/16

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Fun/Quizzes:

Can You Make It To The End Of This “Friends” Trivia Quiz? by Andrea Hickey via Buzzfeed

Which Pop Tart Flavour Are You? created by Sally via Playbuzz

I got Frosted Cherry. I used to LOVE those! And take this quiz, because I know that you are just dying to know 😉

The First Images From the Illustrated Edition of ‘Harry Potter And the Chamber of Secrets’ Are Here– by Diana Bruk via Seventeen Magazine

Also I’m in love with this videoCookie Monster Bakes “play waiting music….thank you.” It gets me every single time.

Relatable/Questions:

Exercises People Hated Doing in PE– by Eleanor Sheehan via PopSugar

9 Questions About Movie Heroine Hygiene All Women Want Answered– by Izabella Zaydenberg via Elite Daily

Body Positive/Mental Health:

7 Simple Things I’ve Done To Stop Hating My Body -by Niki McGloster via Elite Daily

When Fitness Stopped Ruling My Life– by Colby Triolo via Fit University

Easter Bunny Thoughts

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Image: http://vividscreen.info/pic/cute-white-bunny-painting/20150/for-1920×1200

Does Easter make anyone else feel..well, weird? Sad-like? No? Just me? I thought so. I don’t know why but Easter has always given me this gloomy feeling, even when I was a child. I know that even if you aren’t religious like I am that it shouldn’t be a holiday that makes you feel “sad”. If you are religious, then it’s a day you should celebrate Christ rising from the grave and saving you from enduring a life of pain and suffering. Which is just even think about if you step back and let that soak in. If you aren’t, it’s still a happy day, you think about this adorable white bunny (the Easter bunny I picture in my head is white. Yours might be brown or spotted or something. Lol) that comes and brings you eggs and best of all…..CHOCOLATE!!

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Image: https://sqonline.ucsd.edu/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/chocolate-easter-bunny.jpg

I don’t know, maybe I’m just a weirdo. I was thinking about all of this last night while I was helping out with the children at church last night while the entire story of Easter was being read to them. As I was driving home it was still daylight and the sun was setting. It seems like I’m never going to get used to this whole spring forward nonsense, but yesterday it was a blessing because I got to see this:

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The sun was setting and the clouds were just right to create the ray of light streaming. It was beautiful. The fact that I had just listened to the Easter story and was thinking about the whole concept of Easter made me feel like God was really speaking to my heart through the sunset. It was actually very comforting.

Also yesterday I did some fun shopping 🙂 I’m very proud of my Hobby Lobby purchase for the kitchen. We have a whole bunch of empty space above our cabinets and on one side I put these old Peanuts glasses that my mom had but the other side was awkwardly empty. I’d been wanting something that sort of represented us but still fit with the theme of our kitchen. I was really sad because these super cute old timey food/diner type things just wouldn’t work —> Seriously, how cute is that burger boy?!?!?!

But it turns out I was even more successful!!! I found this sheep!! Considering my husband works most of the time with sheep and sheep seem to always be in my front yard, this was just perfect. I just felt like I couldn’t have picked anything better.

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With Easter coming up I’m having some anxiety over Easter dinners and not working out. I’m probably over compensating in areas that I shouldn’t be but I can’t really help it right now. I know that I’m almost certain to miss a workout day and that’s just kind of driving me up the wall. I’m trying to be okay with it because I really know that you actually don’t have to workout 7 days a week and that is it perfectly fine to take a rest day!! I just don’t normally do that so I’m freaking out a bit. I’m trying really hard to be at ease with it but for me that is way easier said than done. I know that God will be there with me this Easter holiday weekend though, through all the dinners (I think I have my side of the family convinced to eat Easter pizza) and hopefully a little bit of chocolate that comes my way 😉

Where’s My Magic Wand?

It’s been a long day. I can’t turn my thoughts off (which are mostly negative). But I can’t make them cease and I can’t stop myself from thinking I’m still going to hate myself tomorrow, as terrible as that sounds. Usually I can watch some childhood movie and have myself feeling a little better, but I don’t think my Fairy Godmother is showing up with her magic wand anytime soon.

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Image: http://drinkupmehertiesyoho.tumblr.com/

I literally fear being hungry but I fear eating as well. I’ve spent 95% of my day focused on these type of thoughts. It’s been a hard day. I know that for most of you, my “hard day” probably seems minuscule and it’s actually not a big deal at all compared to what you deal with….but it was hell. I’ve also spent a fair amount of time today Googling odd things such as:

“you are more than your weight”

“do people still love you no matter what you weigh?”

“does weight really matter?”

And finally, “if I eat a donut will it hurt my diet?”

None of these searches really gave me the bold, punch me in the face answer I was looking for-especially the last one! However, I did find a few articles that made me feel better for a few minutes. They made me smile and think, “Hey, maybe everything isn’t so gray and dreary. Maybe I’m doing good and this is all alright. Maybe it is okay to like myself even just a little bit.” Then, after my 4 minutes were up, I basically went back to the same thoughts that brought me back into my distorted reality where I just feel…..almost hopeless. These thoughts steal my joy and don’t give me anything, yet I can’t turn them off. Maybe it stems from being alone most of the day. Maybe it stems from not watching the new Netflix show I’ve been enjoying over the past few days. Maybe it stems from….well I just don’t freaking know! I don’t know where it comes from and I don’t know why I currently feel like laying on the floor and staring at the ceiling. I just can’t explain it.

I’m not sure I really have much else to say. However, I’d like to feel happier. I mean, Easter is this weekend and I’d like to be able to feel happy on the inside. Also, I’d like to watch an Easter movie! Why are there none of those on TV?!

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Image: http://www.themarysue.com/baby-disney-villains/#7

Here are those articles I was talking about:

The one in Cosmopolitan was pretty touching for me.

17 Reasons to Love Your Body Just the Way It Is– by Amy Odell via Cosmopolitan

You Are More– by Selah via Operation Beautiful

Home Decor & Easter Cakes (TOL)

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!!! Don’t even think about pinching me.

I’m already Irish enough anyways.

It’s time for Amanda’s linkup over on Running With Spoons with Thinking Out Loud Thursday!!!

Thinking-Out-Loud21. Nature’s Bakery. I grabbed these at the store the other day because I liked the Nature’s Bakery fig bars and these were chocolate. I love chocolate so I couldn’t pass them up! I’m pretty sure I’m made up of half chocolate or something like that……

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Verdict: I thought they were super yummy and delicious, my mom did not share the same opinion. I think they kind of taste like a Little Debbie’s cosmic brownie (obviously they are NOT the same) but she says that they taste good, but they clearly aren’t the real deal.

2. Yesterday was shopping day in San Antonio with my Mommy 🙂 ❤ If you haven’t noticed, I hang out with my Mom a bunch. It’s my thing. Kinda similar to Gilmore Girls I guess. Anddddd the heart shaped sunglasses make their appearance 🙂

It was a day full of adventure. Which brings me to my next point…

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3. This picture has been a depiction of how I feel 99.9% of my life lately.

Since yesterday I didn’t really have the time to be a slave to running a set amount of miles or climb on top of an elliptical, I have just cycling this through my brain on repeat. I have to remember that I don’t NOT deserve to eat simply because I didn’t train as hard or go as far a I usually do. I have to remember that my worth does not change daily and it certainly isn’t measured by how far I can run or how close I can push my body to it’s breaking point. It doesn’t matter if I ran 6 miles or I only walked 3.5 yesterday. It was still okay to eat. I think…………..

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Image: http://fuckyeahfatvegans.tumblr.com/post/124159935513

4. Big cities are really the coolest sometimes. They have so much cool stuff that we don’t get to have in small town life!!!

I definitely notice that I’m beginning to change in life. I suppose that’s due to getting older, getting married and developing a more “grown up” style of life. The main way I noticed this was because when shopping yesterday I was basically forgoing all clothes browsing options and going straight home décor. I just want to decorate…like everything!

We went into a World Market for only the second time in my life and it was awesome! We so need one of these were I live. I didn’t get anything super interesting but I did get some more acrylic cups. We got some cups like that for Christmas and M uses them constantly so I’m always running the dishwasher. It seemed like a smart purchase.

5. WHOLE FOODS. It’s overwhelming and magical all at the same time! It was the first time I’d ever set foot in one. We weren’t even in the door yet and I was already in love with the place because they had my favorite flowers outside: tulips ❤

untitled2We got some interesting food items. Most importantly these Immaculate Baking Soft Pretzels!! I’m going to workout this morning and then bake them. I’m so excited because pretzels-no matter the kind- are some of my favorite things to eat.

6. Lastly, at Whole Foods…LOOK AT THESE CAKES!!

untitledEaster cakes are simply THE cutest! Check out the adorable bunny that is just too cute to eat and then the sweet lamb behind it. Easter is a holiday to me that isn’t really fun unless you have a kid or are a kid but the décor is just too precious!! There I go again with the home décor!

Random side note: I also updated my About Me page!

I hope you have a wonderful day and a fantastic rest of the week!!! 🙂 Thanks for letting me think out loud.

Chicken Parm Victory & Disney

I seriously think that sometimes I should write a book about how to simultaneously be 4, 21 and 65 all at the same time. This past weekend was pretty rainy, so I was passing the time indoors on Friday night. I watched some very old episodes of The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh and worked on my deer in love cross stitch (which I finally finished!!!!) I was so over the moon with the Winnie the Pooh episodes. Literally it was probably my favorite show as a kid. It was so darn cute!! I might be a HUGE dork. Don’t judge.

On Saturday, my husband and I had a “date night” of sorts. I don’t really buy into the whole “date night” thing, but I guess that’s what you would call this. I somehow or another convinced him to watch Zootopia!!!!! He’s the best 🙂 I was very thankful for this because I didn’t really want to watch Deadpool. Zootopia was adorable.It’s the best Disney movie I’ve seen in a while. You should go watch it. Like right now. 

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And finally….drum roll, please. I made a version of Parmesan chicken last night.

Clearly, mine is the one with vegetables on the plate. Anyways, it turned out really well and it was so easy. It was just chicken, tomato sauce and some cheese. So simple  and a quick meal that pretty much anyone can handle it. I was looking up recipes on Campbell’s site and came across the recipe on accident. I’m so glad I did though. I think it was even a winner with Marty.

I’m just proud of myself for eating it really. I’m trying to take things one day at a time. There are some days where I have anxiety over food the next day, which is an awful feeling. Then you just have to remember to take things one step at a time.

Enough random rambling…lol. There’s a glimpse into my life currently. This week is pretty much about relaxing and enjoying the few days of warm weather on this spring break while it lasts.

What’s My Age Again?

HAPPY NATIONAL PEANUT BUTTER LOVERS DAY!!!!!!!!!!

I personally have this day basically every other day but I love that there is a kooky national day devoted to it! I need to find something peanut buttery 🙂

Last Friday I had to make a run to the grocery store and run a few errands around town and I stumbled upon these little guys!

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Nips! A while back, my mom was talking to me about these but we never found them. While I was waiting for my prescription at Walgreens, I found them! I couldn’t resist getting 2 flavors and they are pretty delicious. I feel like liking this food could also make me like a 60 year old lady (sigh). A successful find though!

Also, that day, I decided to show my inner child. Who am I kidding, I show that all the time! I embrace the fact that I’m totally in love with all children’s movies and the fact I would jump at the chance to watch an animated movie rather than any other kind. I caved and bought The Good Dinosaur. I hadn’t seen it when it came out in theaters so I was a bit nervous but as it turns out this movie was super cute! Makes me want a little green dinosaur. I curled up on my bed, started working on my cross stitch (because I’m a little old lady) and had myself a good Friday evening. Marty even joined me for a bit.

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I haven’t had a whole bunch of exciting things happen lately….but I did get a cool mail delivery that I’m pretty excited about.

I ordered the Tartelette Tease Palette from Ulta because they didn’t have it at our store and it finally came in the mail!! I haven’t gotten the chance to use it just yet but I’m ready!

I just have one question…..WHY, WHY, WHY is the box that this shipped in so dang large?!

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Pretty colors 🙂

Hope everyone is having a great Tuesday! 🙂 Also, in the post, I have no idea what age I am. I could be 6, 60, or 21, you decide. Go eat some peanut butter!!

Good Things Friday

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I know that Thursdays are for thinking out loud…..but I’m kind of going to do that now. There has just been some random high points in my life that I think have been fun and I want to share 🙂

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Life Update #1: I finished my 2nd cross stitch pattern in the set!! Go me! Now I have a fox and a bunny 🙂 2 down, 2 more to go. I’m almost sad because that means it will be over 😦

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Life Update #2: I got my vote on. I even used the electronic ballot this time. Early voting is the way to go. I kind of look like a hot mess with my crazy hair and no makeup..lol.

Life Update #3: Y’all. I. Drank. Some. Chocolate. Milk. I’m not a huge milk person, so this is already a big deal. However, it’s kind of an even bigger deal because I was “drinking” some of my calories, milk is kind of on my fear food list, and this drink/food kind of had some fat in it. Wham, bam! All sorts of scary/exciting things happening there. BUT I LOVEEEEE chocolate. Seriously love. And it turns out it was pretty good. How’s that for eating disorder awareness week?!

Life Update #4: On the same day I drank my milk I think God was sending me a sign. I was substituting that day at a school and I had to go out with the 3rd graders at lunch for recess. This sweet boy brought me over this cross with flowers!!! How adorable is that?! I think that was God speaking to me saying, “Hey, girl, you CAN in fact drink the chocolate milk and live life to the fullest!”