Tag Archives: begin again

11/7/15: A Fearless Day

Sometimes there are just some things in life that you can’t handle all by yourself. I think that I finally reached that point…..So on Saturday, I did something pretty freakin’ terrifying. I went to meet with someone about eating disorder recovery coaching.

AND guess what? The world didn’t catch on fire, I didn’t die from complete terror, the person I met with was the absolute nicest and it helped me start a very rocky, long, difficult journey down a new path without an e.d. (I even got a pet rock out of it. Okay, it’s not really a pet. It’s one of those chakra rocks.) Doing that was probably more terrifying for me than intentionally going and buying a ticket to a horror movie at the movie theater or watching creepy things on Halloween night. But I did it and I lived to tell the tale.

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While I met with this coach, we talked about a lot of things, my goals, how I wanted my recovery to be, why I felt like I was ready for recover, (did I already mention my goals?!) what the eating disorder made me feel and some of the underlying reasons we have eating disorders. For example, often times, we use eating disorders as a way to suppress feelings, keep away unwanted emotions and numb ourselves. I see myself feeling numb all the time, I just didn’t know that’s what I was doing. I thought I was walking around “sad”. NO! I was really just numbing my emotions. I didn’t even realize that’s one of reasons I may have developed this. At the end of the discussion, we decided that maybe I should try and eating like “a normal person” as I call it. We decided that I should try eating 3 meals and 3 snacks. This is going to be literally hell. There’s no other words. This is hard for me. SUPER hard.

I'm commemorating this day. This was 1 hour after my session was over.
I’m commemorating this day. This was 1 hour after my session was over.

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I started on Sunday, so I’ve been doing this for 2 days. This kinda sucks. But as much as it sucks, it feels oddly….good. So here I am….trying to start this new journey.

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These help me to know I’m doing the right thing, even if it doesn’t always feel completely comfortable. (These are from my coach.)

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Make The Moves Up As I Go

Do you ever wonder how you got yourself into a situation? Do you retrace your steps; go back to where it all began? Sometimes I just sit, fully immersed in thought and how I got to where I am and trying to even minimally comprehend God’s intense and beautiful plan. The other day I was enjoying this thought process. How did I get here? How did I get to be almost 21? How did I get to be at this level at college waiting to retake my last teacher certification exam? HOW did I get to the age where I was ready to get married? I mean, I’m about to go in for my dress fitting! Like, what? How did I even end up with this man and how did someone not find him in North Carolina before I did? How did I get here?

10 Memorable Carrie Bradshaw Quotes to Live By

I think that a lot of people go through this thought process. You go through life thinking that everything is the same. You live day to day, in the same routine until suddenly; you realize that your life has changed without you even realizing it! And no, it’s NOT a bad thing! It’s a good thing, because if you actually got to see your life changing I don’t think you would let it happen. Change is scary and usually quite unwelcome. It’s difficult to embrace but it’s something that we all need. For now, at 20 years old, all of these changes are really exhilarating and sometimes overwhelming. That’s the beauty of it though 🙂 Overwhelming is sometimes a good emotion. I’m trying to embrace this crazy ride right now. Between school, wedding planning and sorting out things with a new house to live in, things are a little nuts. But this is one of the best times of your life right? At least that’s how I see it. Everything is new and fresh and still sparkly. I can’t tarnish that; I have to take mental pictures to be able to remember as much of this as I possibly can. I don’t want it to pass me in a blur.

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Which brings me to my final point about change….I’ll never be able to fully comprehend what makes a person go through ups and downs emotionally. I never understand what makes this happen to me. I don’t get how sometimes I can just magically feel fine and then 12 hours later feel completely awful and I want to lie on my floor and give up. How does that work? I don’t know where it comes from or how to be rid of it. It’s been like this for a couple of weeks now; I don’t think I cope with it well. I don’t cope with stress, or uncertainty, or myself changing very well. I don’t know how to handle myself looking differently. I can’t wrap my mind around someone looking at me differently, scrutinizing my body in weird ways. Actually, maybe that second part is just me. Maybe this is all pre-wedding dress fitting jitters, but I’m just trying to keep all my thoughts collected and in one place. Change is a long and constant road. There’s no escaping.

Thanksgiving Owl…I Mean Turkey!

Soooooo…..Thanksgiving….my old enemy, we meet again. Here we are again, it’s this time of year. I completely dread this time of year, but I know that so so many people love it! And that’s fantastic! Don’t get me wrong, I love  it too. I absolutely LOVE Christmas and the feeling of fall and Thanksgiving. It’s an amazing feeling that you can only get from certain times. It’s the only time I ever get this unique feeling and I simply cherish it.

That being said, I hate one teeny, tiny aspect of it. (I’m sure most people love it. People are literally walking around asking if you are going to eat too much. Like….what????!?) I Hate The Eating Part. HATE IT. I find it absurd and I hate that their is an entire holiday focused on eating. Whatever happened to being thankful, truly thankful. It’s a time to be thankful for EVERYTHING that you have (food included, I guess). Everything from your family, job, food, home, friends, dogs, freedom, willingness of a person to go to an unknown country and protect a person they don’t even know, anything you can think of. I think that’s the beautiful part of Thanksgiving. That’s what I remember. That’s what I hold in my heart that day. That’s what I hope everyone else thinks of. I block out the food and the questions about college and overall irritating questions from eager but loving relatives. That’s what the day is about. 

Thanksgiving Owls http://www.misskatecuttables.com/products/thanksgiving/freebie-of-the-day-thanksgiving-owls.php

Second of all, my ED makes holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving harder than they really should be, and probably way more difficult than they are for someone who doesn’t suffer from this burden. Because literally anytime I start to think that ED is gone, or less, or…a word I can’t describe. He comes creeping back in. He makes me day horrible. He makes me irritated beyond belief.  He opens up old wounds, peels off the old band-aid and allows the blood to come oozing out. He doesn’t care that it hurts. He doesn’t care that he causes pain. He DOES NOT care that this is a holiday to be happy and thankful and of celebration. Those feeling simply aren’t in his repertoire. Ed stabs you in the back, the front, the side basically anyplace he can jab his words.

“Salt in the wound like you’re laughing right at me.”

Bad blood taylor swift lyrics

But, this year, I’m trying something new. I’m trying to focus on all that I have to be THANKFUL for. Because there is honestly so so so very much that I have to be thankful for that quite frankly outranks and surpasses Ed. Why do I choose to burden myself with something that only causes me great pain? Well, I can’t always help that, but I can help the fact that I can channel all of my energy this holiday season into cherishing precious and few moments, and when I become overwhelmed with food and body image issues (WHICH I WILL. NO DOUBT.) I can take a breath, and remember that the people I’m choosing to celebrating with love me, and I don’t have to constantly live in anguish over what I currently look like in my clothes.

Thanking Jesus for who He is and all He does really helps my heart when Im overwhelmed.

10 Maya Angelou Quotes That'll Make You Love Life and Get Sh*t Done | Women's Health Magazine

What’s Past is Past…

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I think it’s pretty strange how one week I can feel like there is no hope for me, like I have no change and that even going to therapy and telling someone all my life problems is ridiculous. It’s during those weeks and days that I just feel like things are never going to get better for me. It just seems like no matter how much I try to do the right thing, it just doesn’t seem to be working. I learned a couple of weeks ago that I compulsively workout. I pretty much go a little crazy if I don’t get to. I don’t know how I made it through last week actually. I was so busy last week that I didn’t get to workout at all. Somehow, just somehow, I made it through that. I didn’t even cry! Which is a little insane actually. I’ve come to realize, however, that I don’t cry nearly as much as I used to. I’m not even sure why. It could be because I am actually making progress with this, or it could be that I finally got tired of people not understanding, not caring, just being frustrated or just telling me to eat. It could be a combination of both actually.

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Aside from the fact that some days are just really hard for me compared to others, for the first time in the longest time I feel happy. It just came out of nowhere. I’m not even sure where it came from. All I know is that sometimes it can just take one person to make you forget everything bad that happened to you previously. That makes it easier to forget that someone yelled at me once and told me to get over this problem that I had, or that I just cried in a ball on someone’s bed while they just watched me. I understand though that watching me go through that was frustrating. It must be frustrated to try and help me and try to make me feel better and all I do is deny. I guess it’s kind of hard to watch someone do that and  I guess that means it’s pretty hard to keep helping me. Anyways, that’s besides the point. My point is, that for a split second, just a second, I remembered what it was like to not care about an eating disorder, to not feel like at any moment a person could be upset with me just because I want to talk about my problem. If I’ve opened up to you and felt like I trusted you enough to actually tell you about my struggle, I don’t expect much, just that you will listen really……it takes a lot to be vulnerable. And sometimes, it just takes one person, to feel like you can begin again.

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