Tag Archives: Bible study

Good Grief, Charlie Brown

There’s a quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald that resonates with my eating disorder. I hadn’t read it until just the other night.

“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”

Looking at this now, I can see all of these steps of my eating disorder unfolding. I can see myself ‘taking the drink’ and researching how to more fit, how to lose weight, how to eat healthy and slowly becoming more involved in what I thought was a “healthy lifestyle”. Then, I can see how the ‘drink’ took its own drink when I began to see some positive results and when I felt like I was succeeding in my goals of looking thinner. I was losing myself in the eating disorder and losing the ability to stop the madness and breathe. Finally, I can see took me. I see the hell it did to me and the hell it still does now. It over takes and consumes your entire being and suddenly, ‘the drink’ has convinced you it can’t live without you. What a strange and almost vicious image. Suddenly, working out and trying to be healthy in college was no longer a hobby, it was something that was on its way to controlling my life.

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.

Image: http://www.quotehd.com/quotes/f-scott-fitzgerald-author-quote-first-you-take-a-drink-then-the-drink-takes-a-drink

So about this Bible study……it’s some pretty good/thought provoking stuff. I’m also not real sure if I’m constantly supposed to relate this study with my eating disorder, but I do, so hope that’s all right.

Anyways, Priscilla Shirer’s series is all about boundaries and how they are our “breathing room”. So, I’m constantly evaluating my own boundaries and the ones God has in place for me. I’m constantly looking at how I’m probably going over God’s wishes when I’m pretty much, probably basically ignoring His boundaries with food and working out. Whoops……..

One of the very first things she said during this segment was about how the Israelites didn’t know how to “rest” one day. Nobody had ever told them that they should rest on one day and have that be the Lord’s day, so it freaked them out. Majorly. Israelites had a strict work routine and a set way they had to do things, basically as she went on to explain they worked themselves constantly and worked hard at their jobs. After she said that, it got me thinking (I was still paying attention to her. I didn’t fully go off on a tangent.) It got me thinking that Ed makes me a freakin’ Israelite!!! Constantly working, constantly busy and always trying to keep to a strict schedule and way of life! What?! How is it that God always knows what you need to hear? After all this time I still find that so odd.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf - October 2015 LDS General Conference #lds #ldsconf #quotes (Picture from lds.org):

Image: http://www.kathyhmcbride.com/#!fulness%20of%20times/zoom/cm8a/dataItem-ig9merj3

Anywho, this week in the study we are supposed to focus on coming to a full stop. We are talking about the Sabbath and how that means we need to take a day of rest. Resting/relaxing is so frowned upon these days that we feel guilty anytime we even think about engaging in it. This week we are focusing on what makes it hard for us to come to a complete stop and relax. Well, for me, it’s almost obviously my e.d. Having an obsession what my food/my workouts/my overall size and appearance makes it hard for my brain to just let me stop those actions. My brain is constantly trying to figure out new ways to keep myself “fit”. I can’t ‘just say no’ to these thoughts and actions! I need a freakin’ drug campaign/slogan to be thrown at me constantly. Good grief, Charlie Brown.

Image: http://www.thestar.com/entertainment/2015/10/02/good-grief-charlie-brown-youre-65.html

But God says resting IS GOOD!!!! He wants us to take time to rest. Our “Sabbath” is supposed to be a day to think about Him and rest WITHOUT feeling guilty, ashamed or worrying about doing the relaxing. I apparently feel like my value is somehow tied up in accumulating approval. The approval of others and me, alike. I feel like my value is determined by what stupid size I wear and like people aren’t going to love me if I’m not a size 2 or 4. Believe me, I know that’s ridiculous but I can’t deny that’s how I feel. In the end, I have to learn to somehow be able to say “ENOUGH is ENOUGH!” and that what I’m doing the other 6 days of the week is sufficient enough to keep me in the right place.

Tonight I’m supposed to go out to dinner with some friends. For normal people, this would be fun, for me, it’s painful. Not because I don’t want to see my friends, I do!! But it’s pure agony because I can’t know the nutrition facts of the restaurant, I already feel bad about food from yesterday and eating out is horrific. Good grief, Charlie Brown. I think that I just have to remember to breathe, take things one step at a time and allow myself some breathing room.

Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. You’re doing just fine.:

Image: https://www.bloglovin.com/blogs/live-life-quotes-love-life-quotes-live-life-3846115/take-a-shower-wash-off-day-4232919335

Clear Eyes…Full Hearts

The first week of new semesters ALWAYS brings it’s own hidden anxieties. I’m just like everyone else to falls victim to the pressure/excitement/unknown variables that a new semester brings. Of course, for me, that just adds onto the already huge dark hovering pressure of Ed and all his “glory”. I have to make and devote time to ensure my mental sanity remains at a good level. So, that’s been my struggle this week. It’s been trying to juggle a new already stressful semester and trying to focus on not what new burdens the semester brings, but here in the moment about that I actually CAN control.

Next, I found something really interesting on Pinterest the other night. Go Pinterest, Go!!! I found this pin that led to this website about a Body Image Bible Study.

http://vevahealth.com/2013/06/17/body-image-bible-study-2/

Tween Girl Art, Owl art, Nerd Owl. Home Decor, Inspirational Art, art print on wood by Jennifer McCully

I looked at it this afternoon and at first, I wasn’t all that impressed. At first, I just thought it was the same old type of study where you read the verse “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” or “You knit me in my mother’s womb.” Yeah, those verses are wonderful and all, but personally, I think those two in particular ARE OVERUSED!! Those verses were included in this, however, it also instructed you to read Psalm 139 in it’s entirety. I ran across a few points that quite honestly made me a bit teary eyed.

139:1-3:: “You searched me…you know when I sit and rise…You perceive my THOUGHTS…” WHAT?! I mean, I knew all of this, but ponder that for just a second. There isn’t a thing I do or a feeling I have that God isn’t aware that I’m experiencing. To me, this is an absolutely amazing/comforting feeling.

139:11-12:: “the darkness will hide me.” I can’t say that I haven’t thought about it. I’ve thought about ‘hiding’ from God. I thought that because of all these negative and self hating thoughts I have, I thought that God wouldn’t want me. BUT the Bible says, “even the darkness will not be dark to you.”

139:23:: “search me and know my heart….know my ANXIOUS thoughts.” This is one of the last verses and it just jumped out at me because it says the word anxious. I think my body literally runs on anxiety. It’s crazy the amount I have. There’s times at night where I can’t fall asleep for hours because I suddenly and overwhelmed with intense anxiety about everything in my life. But this clearly states that God knows them and that gives hope that you can let go.