So I should have written this post the weekend of the 4th of July…..but I was literally too lazy to take the time to sit down and type. But I am doing it now, so that has to count for something right???
There’s been moments over the past few days (the July 4th weekend), that make me feel like my heart is overflowing. I find myself positively overcome with joy, love and tranquility that can only come from the Lord. Only from there. Because He loves me and us and I have the PRIVILEGE of “feeling” and “experiencing” love. How amazing is that? Soak it in. What a concept! God’s love allows us to live. It allows me to eat something terrifying (aka the peanut butter sandwich I had for lunch). It allowed me to fall in love. In love….there’s another amazing feeling. I can’t even express the pure joy this concept brings me. I can’t even grasp it. But the Lord is amazing, y’all! He allowed me to live in the wonderful country of the United States and He created people that love and are devoted enough to risk their life to protect the country God created and protect the citizens. Those willing participants are so so vital. It reminds me that God is good. Watching the fireworks yesterday while driving reminded me that the Lord provides, loves and protects. I was in complete awe of that. When the troubles of the world have you scared, nervous and anxious as it so often does today, remember all of the numerous wonderful things God does.
God’s hand is everywhere, take a look around. Whether it’s the random flower/tree, the love of your life next to you, your parents, sibling, or anything else imaginable, God is present.
The only way that I will heal and slowly feel better and possibly hear Ed less is with God. I know that everyone “sees” me feeling/doing better. In a way, that’s only slightly true. No, I don’t cry up against the bathroom door anymore, and no I don’t dig my nails deep into my thighs, but I still can’t go 1 day without running, I can’t go to a restaurant and order just anything; I can’t even walk into a restaurant without already having seen the menu and knowing calorie content. But, I can’t do this by myself. I’ve learned this in the most difficult way. I cannot. I forget this all too often. Those fireworks reminded me in the strangest way. Honestly, the old cliche is true, God works in mysterious ways.
The fireworks changed like mood rings and each color in a mood ring represents a different emotion, much like god has different qualities. God kind of has his own color chart.
The first week of new semesters ALWAYS brings it’s own hidden anxieties. I’m just like everyone else to falls victim to the pressure/excitement/unknown variables that a new semester brings. Of course, for me, that just adds onto the already huge dark hovering pressure of Ed and all his “glory”. I have to make and devote time to ensure my mental sanity remains at a good level. So, that’s been my struggle this week. It’s been trying to juggle a new already stressful semester and trying to focus on not what new burdens the semester brings, but here in the moment about that I actually CAN control.
Next, I found something really interesting on Pinterest the other night. Go Pinterest, Go!!! I found this pin that led to this website about a Body Image Bible Study.
I looked at it this afternoon and at first, I wasn’t all that impressed. At first, I just thought it was the same old type of study where you read the verse “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” or “You knit me in my mother’s womb.” Yeah, those verses are wonderful and all, but personally, I think those two in particular ARE OVERUSED!! Those verses were included in this, however, it also instructed you to read Psalm 139 in it’s entirety. I ran across a few points that quite honestly made me a bit teary eyed.
139:1-3:: “You searched me…you know when I sit and rise…You perceive my THOUGHTS…” WHAT?! I mean, I knew all of this, but ponder that for just a second. There isn’t a thing I do or a feeling I have that God isn’t aware that I’m experiencing. To me, this is an absolutely amazing/comforting feeling.
139:11-12:: “the darkness will hide me.” I can’t say that I haven’t thought about it. I’ve thought about ‘hiding’ from God. I thought that because of all these negative and self hating thoughts I have, I thought that God wouldn’t want me. BUT the Bible says, “even the darkness will not be dark to you.”
139:23:: “search me and know my heart….know my ANXIOUS thoughts.” This is one of the last verses and it just jumped out at me because it says the word anxious. I think my body literally runs on anxiety. It’s crazy the amount I have. There’s times at night where I can’t fall asleep for hours because I suddenly and overwhelmed with intense anxiety about everything in my life. But this clearly states that God knows them and that gives hope that you can let go.
I’m sitting here this morning watching they Disney Parade (I’m 6, I know. No judgement please.) But as I’m sitting here, soaking up all of the Christmas morning magic it makes me consider this life and most importantly The Savior that makes this spectacular life possible.
“The Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be pregnant. She will have a son, and she will name him Immanuel.” Isaiah 7:14
“For to us a child is born, to use a son is given; and the government shall be rest upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6-7
As I’ve said before, these past 2 months have been insane; both positive and negative. In 2015, my life is going to change for the better. I get the marry the love of my life! How crazy is that?! But on the negative end, my little brother has ITP, which is a a blood disorder where he doesn’t have enough platelets in his blood. He’s been in and out of the hospital for the past couple of weeks and he even went in a day before Christmas Eve. He got to come home yesterday though, and we all celebrated Christmas Eve/Christmas with him 🙂 He’s doing so much better.
This Christmas isn’t about being pretty for me. It’s not about letting Ed live my life and control all my habits. It’s about being happy and soaking in all the love and beautiful things that God has surrounded you with. Spending time with your family and being thankful for who is present in your life and stop complaining about being ‘alone’ because you don’t have a significant other. That’s not what today is. Take your mind off the negative and refocus it on the positive aspects.
This is a beautiful, wonderful, joyous, loving, exciting, and grand life. Let’s live in the spectacular now. Merry Christmas 🙂