Tag Archives: boyfriend

Make The Moves Up As I Go

Do you ever wonder how you got yourself into a situation? Do you retrace your steps; go back to where it all began? Sometimes I just sit, fully immersed in thought and how I got to where I am and trying to even minimally comprehend God’s intense and beautiful plan. The other day I was enjoying this thought process. How did I get here? How did I get to be almost 21? How did I get to be at this level at college waiting to retake my last teacher certification exam? HOW did I get to the age where I was ready to get married? I mean, I’m about to go in for my dress fitting! Like, what? How did I even end up with this man and how did someone not find him in North Carolina before I did? How did I get here?

10 Memorable Carrie Bradshaw Quotes to Live By

I think that a lot of people go through this thought process. You go through life thinking that everything is the same. You live day to day, in the same routine until suddenly; you realize that your life has changed without you even realizing it! And no, it’s NOT a bad thing! It’s a good thing, because if you actually got to see your life changing I don’t think you would let it happen. Change is scary and usually quite unwelcome. It’s difficult to embrace but it’s something that we all need. For now, at 20 years old, all of these changes are really exhilarating and sometimes overwhelming. That’s the beauty of it though 🙂 Overwhelming is sometimes a good emotion. I’m trying to embrace this crazy ride right now. Between school, wedding planning and sorting out things with a new house to live in, things are a little nuts. But this is one of the best times of your life right? At least that’s how I see it. Everything is new and fresh and still sparkly. I can’t tarnish that; I have to take mental pictures to be able to remember as much of this as I possibly can. I don’t want it to pass me in a blur.

IMG_5383

Which brings me to my final point about change….I’ll never be able to fully comprehend what makes a person go through ups and downs emotionally. I never understand what makes this happen to me. I don’t get how sometimes I can just magically feel fine and then 12 hours later feel completely awful and I want to lie on my floor and give up. How does that work? I don’t know where it comes from or how to be rid of it. It’s been like this for a couple of weeks now; I don’t think I cope with it well. I don’t cope with stress, or uncertainty, or myself changing very well. I don’t know how to handle myself looking differently. I can’t wrap my mind around someone looking at me differently, scrutinizing my body in weird ways. Actually, maybe that second part is just me. Maybe this is all pre-wedding dress fitting jitters, but I’m just trying to keep all my thoughts collected and in one place. Change is a long and constant road. There’s no escaping.

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New Year’s Resolutions anyone?? Oh please, I’ll pass. All those promises made are just waiting to be broken 1, 2 or even 3 months into the year. Sure they are supposed to be a commitment, but how often do people make promises or commitments that they have no intention of upholding or allow them to crumble to pieces because the “going got tough”. I think my point is that I really despise the saying “new year, new me”. Why? Just why?

I’ve also been doing a lot of thinking over the past two days. I knew that one day when I was getting ready to get married that my eating disorder was going to get worse. I knew that. Did I accept that? NO! But in the back of my mind did I probably know that was true? Yeah, I probably did. I don’t really have many words to describe the pain…well actually I don’t mean pain. I mean pressure. It’s an insurmountable pressure. I feel like there is so much pressure to look just right and achieve the correct “bridal look” whatever that may be. But it’s all I feel all the time. Pressure. I don’t even think it stems from an actual person. I think I provide this unattainable level of pressure for myself. I think I have an image and I don’t even know how that happened.

I guess I could say that I wasn’t ready for this day to get here, but that’s not true. I’m ready to get married…to be married. What I wasn’t prepared for was the pressure. Even though I knew, I knew that this would happen. The truth is, I was never going to be ready for this. I was never going to be mentally prepared to wear this beautiful white dress.  It’s terrifying and overwhelming…but magical all wrapped up together. It’s a weird time in life.

I think I have this pressure because I think that I just want to be perfect. I think I want to be perfect looking for my fiancé or soon to be husband. Not that he’s set an unattainable goal for me, but I think I have for myself.

This is about to be a really big year for me. In May I turn 21, I get married in June and then finally to end the year I’ll graduate from college. There’s so much to look forward to and be thankful for.

So, I’m not making a resolution. I’m refocusing my goals in 2015. I don’t expect to change overnight or even half my habits in a new year, but a millimeter of progress in this department is the equivalent of climbing a mountain for me.

Something Old, Something New

Classic | Flint Hill Wedding from Amy Arrington Photography  Read more - http://www.stylemepretty.com/georgia-weddings/2013/10/21/flint-hill-wedding-from-amy-arrington-photography/

Tomorrow is a very exciting day for me. I get to go wedding dress shopping!!! I got engaged just a little over a week ago…..but don’t think I’m nuts. I’m just excited and this is perfectly logical. For a long time I’ve dreamed about marrying someone I cannot see myself without, just like any girl does. And now….. “I have found the one whom my soul loves.” Song of Solomon 3:4. I can’t even believe I’m at this point in life for this! I’m literally so excited. All I can think about is how different this December is so different from the last. It just seems like we, and myself too, have such an incredibly long way.

Elizabeth de Varga Wedding Dress // Featured in 'Old Hollywood Styled Shoot' on Modern Wedding. Photography by Artography, flowers by Ginger & Lily Floral Studio.

Now as extremely excited as I am, this process also gives me some great anxiety. First, I don’t know that I ever thought I was good enough, nice enough or pretty enough for someone to want to marry. I really began this thought process when I was a senior in high school and throughout my first couple of years of college. Plus, how could anyone fall in love with a girl who has an eating disorder and literally hates themselves some days? I don’t know, but it happens. That’s the funny thing about God. I firmly believe that He has a person for everyone but He didn’t allow me to realize mine until His perfect timing. Not mine, but HIS.

About these trying on dress anxieties. I’ve had a long struggle with numbers on clothing, so this could potentially turn to the dark side. But it won’t. This is such an incredible and happy day! There’s no conceivable reason that I should be worrying what size wedding dress I wear or what I look like in it. I continuously remind myself that I’m not marrying Ed, (a figment of my imagination) but a man. A kind, understanding, giving and loving man who knows that Ed is an occasional house guest. But there’s no room for Ed at this inn. He has no home or guest room here in this new journey I begin. In this new journey that we begin.

Trying on the dress is a happy moment that really lets you know that this excited dream-like feeling you’ve been walking around with is real! Actually real. This is happening. This is one of the biggest moments in my life and I’m going to enjoy it. 🙂

Knowing that every day is going to be a work in progress regardless of your stage in recovery.

have guests throw/blow glitter instead of rice! Oh SO DOING THIS on my wedding day!! My dream. Raining glitter!!

But I’m Just Gonna Shake It

I’ve been doing alot of thinking these past 2 weeks. I’ve spent alot of time doing well….nothing. I’ve had a break from my summer semesters of college just before I had to go back and do it all over again for the fall semester. I’ve had a little time to relax. Anywhoooo.

Since the new fall semester starts tomorrow, I decided I would make myself sit down and write this. I’ve been thinking alot about my ed. I think that I’ve made quite a bit of progress over the summer. That’s not to say that I continuously have bad days, because I do and I will still continue to. But it’s gotten alot better. These panic attacks of sorts seem to come less frequently and I’ve much better at being able to tell myself that people have bad days and that I can try again and “look” better tomorrow. It’s like I was telling my boyfriend the other night, I’m proud of myself. I’m just now starting to feel okay about myself. I’m not gonna say that I feel good about myself yet, but I’ll get there.

I’m taking a page out of the Taylor Swift book once again. I’ve got her new song currently on repeat (just go ahead and picture me jumping and dancing awkwardly around in my room and singing as loudly as I can in my car). But, this semester, I have two goals:

1. Try and learn to “Shake It Off”. Thanks T-Swizzle 😉

2. Try and get a 4.0 with my 18 hours of classes that I’m taking.

Anxiety Jeans

I’m been having quite few bad/off days lately and for a while, I couldn’t put my finger on what was bothering me so much. Well, aside from the fact that I literally have on going battle and a long road to full recovery, I decided that it had to do with this upcoming weekend. Now, don’t laugh when you read this. Pretty please. One word, 5 letters.

PANTS.

This weekend it is my hometowns rodeo, and I usually go, which isn’t that big of a deal. I mean, it’s just a rodeo, what’s the big deal right? And what do pants have to do with anything? Good question, I’m sooo glad you asked. Well, normal people that don’t think about food, body image and how others perceive them every second  don’t even think twice about putting on their clothes. To them putting on their pants is merely another step to getting ready for the day or whatever event they go to. For me though, pants are apart of a very scary thing to me. It scares me to even think about the idea of putting these pants on in 3 days. I have actually purposely been avoiding wearing jeans for months now. I love these jeans that I own, they just put this gigantic shock wave of fear pulsing throughout my body.

Find These At Missme.com And Some Western Stores Near You!

 I feel so incredibly silly saying that I have this fear of my own blue jeans! It sounds goofy. This is a legitimate fear for me though. For me to put these pants on is a huge step. I’m going to do it, so there are no worries there, but it’s going to take a huge amount of effort. I’m going to take control of those jeans, pull them on and show them who is really the boss here. I can do this.

Here’s my final point I want to make. Let’s all remember to think before we speak please. It’s such a true statement that you never truly know what is going through a person’s mind. They could be stressing over their job, their relationship, money, or having thoughts that they simply aren’t good enough to be in those blue jeans they have on. Just remember, everyone is going through something, whether they look like it or not; because not everyone actually looks like they are suffering from an eating disorder.

So very very true. I always try to choose my words so as not to seem like I don't care or that they don't understand. To those fighting your silent battles, be strong :) you will conquer all things!

Lover, Crier, Fighter, Riser

The first time I ever heard the song Riser by Dierks Bentley I knew it was immediately meant for me. It was meant to give me inspiration, hope and the courage to pursue what I wanted. Special, really special. It talks about being someone who risers against all odds, through the difficult times, through all of the doubters, disbelief and constant lies that tell you your dream is not achievable.

I’m a riser.

I’m a riser
I’m a get up off the ground, don’t run and hider
Pushing comes a-shovin’
Hey I’m a fighter
When darkness comes to town, I’m a lighter

I think that you have to be your own hero, your own riser. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t find someone else that can be a riser for you as well. Because I sincerely believe that everyone needs another person to lean on. No matter how much you try, how much you wish, or how much everyone says you just need yourself, a support system is necessary. You need someone else to lift you up and say you can do it because there are going to be those days where you just cannot do it alone.

I’m a fighter.

Lay your pretty head down on my shoulder
You don’t have to worry anymore
This old world is cold and getting colder
And I know how to lock and bolt the door

I’m strong enough to hold you through the winter
Mean enough to stare your demons down

This song makes me cry when I listen to it.  I can probably turn just about any song I listen to into a song about me and my ed. But honestly, it didn’t take much effort with this one. It grabs a hold of my heart, grips it from the very first words to the uttering of the last and simply makes me feel like it gets me. It gets what I’m experiencing  and it 100% understands how I feel. And I think that the song is says that it’s okay for me to rely on other people to help me sometimes. It’s telling me that sometimes you simply can’t do it on your own.

Bottom line is, this song is really important to me and teaches me a lesson of sorts. No matter what ed and the world are throwing at me, I have to keep doing this, I have to keep being a fighter, I have to keep being a riser.

Is It Okay To Be Angry With God?

Is it okay for me to be angry with God????

I find myself asking this question lately. There’s quite a few yes and no’s to me. We’ll go through my long list of pros and cons in a moment, however, I think I should cover why I’m actually upset with God.

These words kept me going during a really hard time. And no truer words have ever been spoken. I am so blessed

Back about a year ago, God had just started me on this entirely new journey in my life. New relationships were forming, I was communicating with someone literally across the world, I was in the process of transferring schools, and I was about to begin the very, very long road to recovery with my eating disorder (which is what I’m still currently embarking on.) I’m not going to go into depth because that would take entirely too much time and it’s very personal. But, all of these things that were happening to me combined, was very taxing and upsetting for me. I suddenly found myself wondering if I was upset…or even, heaven forbid, angry with God. Was I? Am I? What? Is that even okay?

I’ve heard it said time and time again that you should not, could not, would not  in a box with a fox (sorry, I got a little Dr. Seuss there.) But I’ve always heard that you shouldn’t get angry with God. I do understand that, I do. I mean, He was the creator of all things, He created you, He blessed you and He has provided you with everything that you ever had or ever will have. So why in the world would you ever become angry with Him?

Welllll, I’m going to take a step back here. I believe that it is very hard to be completely happy with one person. We are human, we want things and when we don’t get them or when bad things happen to us can we always be expected to say ‘oh, I guess that’s God’s intention, I guess I better just accept it.’ That’s not logical!! Who has ever just out rightly accepted something?!

For a while, I kinda went around kicking myself and telling myself that I was doing everything wrong. Yes, I love God. I do. It wasn’t until I went to one of my very first sessions with my therapist that I felt at ease with what I was going through. I had told her that I was upset with God and I was really angry at Him for giving me- well not giving me-this eating disorder. I felt like it was really unfair. I couldn’t understand why I needed to go through this or this terrible thing needed to happen to me. It’s a painful and confusing thing to go through. I couldn’t decide if I had done something to deserve this eating disorder.

Thankfully, God was looking out for me when He allowed this eating disorder to happen to me though, He provided me with a very strong christian woman to guide me through recovery. She explained to me one day that it was completely fine for me to angry with God. I had justifiable reasoning to be upset with God. I am going through something absolutely painful and personally, I just think it’s okay to be a little upset with God. She explained that God is a big guy and that He can take me being a little upset with Him.

My boyfriend also said something that really helped me when I was telling him about how I was upset/angry with God. He said that as long as I go back and apologize and don’t stay mad at him forever, that it really will be okay.

So, to answer my question at the very beginning, I personally feel that being angry with God is acceptable. Is it something that you should be? No! Absolutely not.  I don’t believe that it is actually something you should strive to be, but I believe that if something extreme happens to you, that it’s acceptable to be upset or angry with God. You just have to keep in mind that God knows what He is doing. He’s got you in the palm of His hand. He knows that He is doing and that if you are truly His child He will lead you in the right direction and carry out His plan for your life.

words print- its ok to get angry with god

Love Is Kind

Red heart - almost as sweet as saying it - maybe sweeter

Have you ever stopped and pondered how big your-our- God is? When I sit back and think about it, I can’t even begin to fathom how great, mighty and powerful my God is. That being said, I read a post on love, choice and soul mates. Well, I for one, actually believe in the concept of soul mates. Out of the 7 or 8 billion people in the world, I believe that God can have one set person for everyone. I believe that everyone has a person. Who am I to doubt what God can do, such as bringing to two people together as one-hence “soul mates”. Many people say that you can choose who you love, like it’s a choice. As if there are people who are bad for you, good and then best for you. I just don’t agree. I think that God has a person in mind for you. Let’s take Genesis for God’s first example:

“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is right for him.’ So the Lord caused the man to sleep very deeply, and while he was asleep, God removed one of the man’s ribs. The Lord God used the rib from the man to make a woman, and then he brought the woman to the man.” Genesis 2:19,21-22

Here we see God literally went out of his way to create the perfect mate for Adam-Eve. Which to me, constitutes as a soul mate. God wants us to feel love and be in love and experience all of the spectacular things that love has to offer. In order to have this love though, we must have the passion that he displays in Song of Solomon.

Twin flame, Soul mates

Yes, as humans I do suppose that we have a choice in the matter of who we love, but in reality, I believe that God leads us to the person that we are meant to be with. He can lead you across a room, across a state, across the country or even across the world to bring you to the right person.

There are all different types of love in this world. There’s worldly love and Godly love. As people tend to do, they give up on love easily, especially when it’s worldly love, they let people go. They don’t stay and fight. They don’t stick it out together through thick and thin. Even if they have tried their very hardest, however, it still make not work. You can’t “choose” to love someone even if the chemistry just isn’t there. You can’t force the love. You can’t just choose to love someone with all your hard and even when the times get tough and rough try your hardest to make it work. If something is not meant to be, no amount of trying and begging and attempting to work it out will work. Who am I to doubt that God has one person for me? Look at everything He has done in the world. Who am I to doubt? In order for love to work out, you need to have Biblical, Godly love.

1 Corinthians 13 printable I want to print this for our bedroom. It was recited during our wedding ceremony!

In the end though, I strongly, deeply, truly believe that God has a set person for everyone, a soul mate.

Escape This Town For A Little While

treacherous taylor swift lyrics "I'd be smart to walk away, but you're quicksand."

You know, I would be smart to walk away. I’d be smart to walk away from the feelings, from the heartbreak, from the pills, muscle milk, from the tiny amounts of food to the large amounts that are almost too much, from the feelings of depression and wanting to cry. I literally should walk away from it all. But it pulls you back in and drags you down, just like quicksand.

I’ve had this sinking feeling all day. All Day. This feeling of where I could just break into tears any given second. How do you walk around all day like that? How do you tell someone that’s how you feel? I don’t even think I want someone to feel sorry for me. I think that I just want to talk about t. But what am I even supposed to say?

Forever going with flow, but you're friction

“Skin and bones, trained to get along.”

Can I be like that?

“This hope is treacherous, this daydream is dangerous…” (Is the hope of this ‘recovery’ treacherous?)

Love Story | Taylor SwiftCan I escape for a little while? Is there even a place that I can go?

Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone, I keep waiting for you but you never come <3

Sometimes I think that’s just what I want, someone to save me. That’s illogical, however.  That’s not a plausible way to get rid of, or out of this situation. It’s not fair to me or the other person. I can’t rely on someone else to drag me out of this dark hole, or take me out of this place that I’m in. But dammit……somebody just save me. I just…I can’t. I can’t make it all work. I swear not all of the pieces are here or they don’t all fit together to put this broken puzzle back together.

Fade into you - Nashville. I can't really sing so I guess I drew the lyrics

At The End Of The Day

Don't wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don't. In face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what it is that make us hold it together.

You know what’s frustrating? This feeling:

I feel pathetic. I just feel like, like I’m not pretty enough, or smart enough, or good enough, and maybe even ridiculous because I don’t go to work I just go to class.

Do you know what that feels like, not being good enough? Terrible. No, awful. No, I don’t even know the words for that. Anyways, find the worst word that describes the worst feeling, and that’s the word. Peg that word for what that description makes me feel. That’s it. I really have no other words. That’s it. That’s all.

You know what’s frustrating? When the one person you want to talk to at the end of the day doesn’t want to talk to you. I know it’s difficult to talk to me. I know it’s painful and extremely exhausting to listen to me say the same thing ‘that I feel bad’ over and over again. But sometimes that’s what I need. Sometimes that’s all I can say. It’s the only way that I can describe the demons, monsters and name calling that goes on inside my head. I know it’s difficult to listen to me. I know it’s hard to find the right words to comfort me. But what you don’t realize is that all words are comforting. Knowing that you want to listen is comforting. Knowing that you just want to hold me and let me stare at the wall, cry if I feel like it, or let me just ramble on for five minutes straight; that’s comforting. Knowing you want to go through this with me, that’s helpful. I know it all sounds stupid. I know that I sound kind of stupid and a little repetitive. But this is me. You might have to accept it. You might now. But this is me. This is who I am. I’m fighting day in and day out to fix myself. Working up the courage to speak to you and talk to you about what’s going on in my head is scary and it take a tremendous amount of trust.

18 LIFE lessons to be learnt from Greys Anatomy | Heartstring