Tag Archives: cassadee pope

Invincible

***New Music Alert***

“Broken glass inside, won’t cut through me.”

cassadee-pope-i-am-invincible-cover

I DO NOT in any way, shape or form feel invincible. Ever. Which makes this title a little confusing, I know. I have never felt like I would win some crazy battle, whether it be with inner self or some other person. Anyways, Cassadee Pope has a new song out in which she talks about herself and feeling invincible. She sings about knowing that you are a strong person and not letting anyone tell you differently! She talks about taking your inner pain and issues and harnessing them and turning them around and creating a positive sense of self and inner strength. What a concept for me! There have been so so so many times over just the past few weeks, (yeah, I know, my life really) where I have completely felt helpless, out of control and like I’m never actually going to win a battle with myself or my evil inner voice, Ed.

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But hearing that song this morning, hearing the words “Heart covered in scars, but my fear is gone…” I thought, is my fear actually gone? Is my battle with some major insecurity and Ed a battle I am actually working and willing to win? Well, is it? Do I want to feel invincible? YES. I do. I so do. I just don’t know how.  I just constantly feel like if I eat one wrong food, or miss one workout that everything I’ve been working towards with my body is just gonna go straight to hell. All the efforts, literal hour long workouts, stressing about meals will just all disappear. This is not healthy! It just can’t be! I can’t continue to live in a world where I MUST check out a restaurant’s caloric content on the internet before I can decide I am even slightly able to stomach eating there. When I feel more comfortable eating a Quest bar for dinner than actual food, there’s got to be some kind of issue, right? Last weekend was my bachelorette thing before my wedding. That was an interesting evening for me. I had the girls eat at McAlister’s with me because I knew the menu; I could study it and make an ‘informed’ decision about what food I chose to put in my body. Which for me, is a gigantic comfort compared to eating at a local Mexican restaurant such as Henry’s. That place drives me insane…well possibly because I am. Then, on top of eating at McAlister’s I actually had some tiny bit of alcohol. I never do that! I’m scared of drinking! I’m scared of what it does to my body. I don’t want to change. I’m just scared……all the time.

I want to feel free….invincible.

#anorexia #eatingdisorder #recovery

Speaking of change, this weekend is my town’s local rodeo. We all know what that means….jeans!!! Jeans everywhere!! We all know how I feel about wearing jeans. Major anxiety there. It was this time last year I found myself putting on jeans that I found to be “tight” (yet they fit fine) which brought me straight back into more intense workouts. They do still fit, and I still wear them, they just freak me out. Often times, I have to remind myself that I’m not in a competition with other women. What size jeans I wear does not define me! Having an eating disorder doesn’t define me. I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not damaged because I have an eating disorder; and I am certainly not in a completion with other women I know that have issues with insecurity. I’m not in a ‘who has a bigger eating disorder’ competition. Sometimes, it’s very easy to forget that because there are always people around you, your age, talking about their diet, their workouts, their clothes, what size they want to be, and how they got to eat pizza and a burger and I ate yogurt. But that’s just life, there is always going to be some sort of trigger. The way that you overcome those triggers, become more brave, is to realize that you are just one human, and you can only do so much. You have to take a step back, take a deep breath, relax and become invincible.

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In Her Simple Little Way

A Thing About You - Hunter Hayes

I go through a lot of these emotions throughout the week. Many times they range from self loathing, self love and then finally a tiny smidgen of self acceptance. Sometimes in the middle of the day, I find myself saying, ‘don’t worry about what other people think you look like. You have to accept yourself.’ Blah, blah, blah. Sure those  words are good, pure and they pave a road filled with wonderful intentions, but do I really, fully, truly believe that???

I know that I talk about embracing yourself and all your imperfections, but the truth is, currently that’s my journey and what I’m currently trying to tackle. I’m trying to be a girl..err woman (I am 20 after all)..that doesn’t require validation from anyone whether it be men, friends, instragram or any person other than me. That’s an extremely difficult concept for me to wrap my mind around. For most people, I believe that its completely normal for people want to be told that they look nice. But for me, I’m trying to shy away from that. Because I have this horrendous crippling eating disorder, I’m trying to do this whole self acceptance angle.  I’m trying my very, very best.

I just want to prove Ed wrong. That’s all. I want him to be gone, once and for all.

Proved You Wrong- Cassadee Pope

We just need to be………..

Miranda Lambert lyrics

Like We’re Standing on the Edge of a Thunderstorm

I adore this song.  Love these lyrics, need a sign of them.  Rascal Flatts - Stand

we need to do more of this...

As you may have noticed, I tend to relate many of my life situations to songs. I always have; it’s just always been easy for me to relate to music. Especially if that music is country music. I actually have a musical background, which is probably why I easily relate to music. It’s always been one of the best ways for me to express myself.

Today,  I was just taking a drive in my car when Stand by Rascal Flatts came on the radio. I always forget about this song and I have no idea why! It’s such a great message that can relate to so many different scenarios. But for me, it’s almost obvious what I relate it to: my eating disorder. It’s a song that says no matter how many times Ed knocks me down, I have to get back up and fight. Every time I get pushed, I have to push Ed right back. When Ed throws a punch, I either have to duck, take the punch and stay knocked down, or take the punch and throw my own right back. Every time  I feel blown around by Ed, or thrown down on my knees, I have to brush off the dirt. I can’t let Ed see me cry, it’s part of his leverage against me.

When Ed yells and says I’m doing everything wrong, I have to calmly say that I’m doing everything right.

Every single time Ed throws me down to the ground, knocks the wind from my chest, give me a good bruise on my knee or speaks words of darkness, I have to remember to stand right back up.

Every. Single. Time

Do you know how hard that is to remember? Every time you hear negative thoughts or someone trying to knock you down and tear your self esteem to minuscule shreds to just stand there and take it? Do you know how hard it is not to listen to him? Do you know how hard it is to stand back up when all you really want to do is fall under that spell and become Ed’s. Extremely difficult. Extremely. 

There are just so many lines for me in this song that jump out of the song screaming my name! Saying this is for you!

“You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand.”

I think the song speaks for itself. I just find it to be inspirational and motivating for me.

Really, all  I want for this long journey of mine, is for some to want to stand with me and hold my hand through it all.

I used to hate holding hands, now I long for it...maybe I was holding the wrong one

The first time he holds her hand, she feel as though she has fallen in love for the very first time, like all the other before him never existed or mattered.