Tag Archives: change

11/7/15: A Fearless Day

Sometimes there are just some things in life that you can’t handle all by yourself. I think that I finally reached that point…..So on Saturday, I did something pretty freakin’ terrifying. I went to meet with someone about eating disorder recovery coaching.

AND guess what? The world didn’t catch on fire, I didn’t die from complete terror, the person I met with was the absolute nicest and it helped me start a very rocky, long, difficult journey down a new path without an e.d. (I even got a pet rock out of it. Okay, it’s not really a pet. It’s one of those chakra rocks.) Doing that was probably more terrifying for me than intentionally going and buying a ticket to a horror movie at the movie theater or watching creepy things on Halloween night. But I did it and I lived to tell the tale.

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While I met with this coach, we talked about a lot of things, my goals, how I wanted my recovery to be, why I felt like I was ready for recover, (did I already mention my goals?!) what the eating disorder made me feel and some of the underlying reasons we have eating disorders. For example, often times, we use eating disorders as a way to suppress feelings, keep away unwanted emotions and numb ourselves. I see myself feeling numb all the time, I just didn’t know that’s what I was doing. I thought I was walking around “sad”. NO! I was really just numbing my emotions. I didn’t even realize that’s one of reasons I may have developed this. At the end of the discussion, we decided that maybe I should try and eating like “a normal person” as I call it. We decided that I should try eating 3 meals and 3 snacks. This is going to be literally hell. There’s no other words. This is hard for me. SUPER hard.

I'm commemorating this day. This was 1 hour after my session was over.
I’m commemorating this day. This was 1 hour after my session was over.

20151107_132507      20151107_132509

I started on Sunday, so I’ve been doing this for 2 days. This kinda sucks. But as much as it sucks, it feels oddly….good. So here I am….trying to start this new journey.

2015-11-09 12.08.082015-11-09 12.08.45

These help me to know I’m doing the right thing, even if it doesn’t always feel completely comfortable. (These are from my coach.)

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Rhythm of YOUR Heartbeat

I’ve never had to love someone who hated themselves. I’ve never had to watch someone dislike themselves to much that they curl up into a ball on the bathroom floor and cry until their eyes are slightly sore. I’ve never had to experience someone telling me they are angry at themselves for eating actual food for dinner. I’ve never had to hold someone as they cried and felt like they were insane because they didn’t like what the mirror reflected. Finally, I’ve never had someone tell me that sometimes they felt like they wanted to die instead of keep on hating themselves.

anorexia:

Personally, I’ve never been exposed to the receiving end of all those emotions that are probably more difficult to hear than I know. However, I have felt every single one of those emotions, last night to be exact.

I’ve found that at  night for the past couple of weeks, I’ve grown infuriated with myself. I get so angry because I made dinner for my husband and I and then I eat it. I get so angry that I ate a meal that wasn’t yogurt. I feel like I can feel my body changing….getting bigger with each passing moment. My brain is screaming, Ed is screaming, I literally feel like screaming and my fingernails dig into my skin. There’s nothing I can compare this feeling to. Then, mixed in with all the anger, I feel….sad. Sad because I literally can’t handle it all or make myself do it. I’m angry, I’m sad and I’m hurt.

With you, I'm comfortable.  I know I can talk to you about anything, or sit by your side in complete silence.  You see me at my worst, but only talk about my best.  I can be happy about my biggest achievements, while you know my deepest insecurities.  I'm comfortable with you, and you should know that means everything to me.:

As I’m sitting there on my bathroom floor, pretty positive that my legs don’t work anymore because I can’t get up and I haven’t moved in probably 20 minutes, something I’m highly unaccustomed to happens. My husband some in. He says nothing. He doesn’t ask what’s wrong and he doesn’t ask what I’m doing. He quickly shuffles around to the other side of me and I can feel his arms encircle me. He is literally sitting on the bathroom floor with me while my head is buried in my knees. I didn’t say anything for a while or even look up because I’m pretty ashamed of my puffy red face and snot nose. It’s just shaky breath sounds for a while. Finally though, when I do speak it’s just telling him I hate food and I don’t see how I can do this. All he does is reassure me that it’s all going to be okay and somehow, in that moment, it helps.

The Best Quotes About Love and Marriage:

Whoever said that marriage isn’t worth it or doesn’t work was mistaken. I didn’t realize what it would be like to have someone to always come home to and to always be there for you (or sit on the bathroom floor with you 😉 ) It’s pretty freakin’ cool/amazing/fantastic/a feeling indescribable. I didn’t realize until my drive to work this morning that the part in our vows that goes “in sickness and in health” was something we would experience right off the bat. Not that I forgot I had an eating disorder, I just forgot that qualified as a “sickness”.

That was my Wednesday and this is my Thursday, feeling sad and unsure. Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it yet.

Anne of Green Gables “Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?” ― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables:

You Gotta Live It While You Got It

Y’ALL. Just an FYI I have a few things in the works that I can’t really write down yet because I am uncertain of how they are going to pan out, but hopefully soon I will have some good news to share with you soon.

Lately, I’ve been feeling and thinking that maybe I’m just not “sick enough” for someone to want to help me with this eating disorder. I’ve felt like “well, maybe I’m not actually that sick” or “maybe I’ve just made this all up in my head” “maybe I don’t physically appear sick?” or finally, “maybe I don’t actually have an eating disorder”. But is that true? Could I really have just dreamed it all up? I don’t think so. I think that all of those negative thoughts and feelings come from my Ed not wanting me to seek help and not wanting me to get better. My Ed (and me for the most part) think I need him. He thinks that I can’t do or handle life without him. While I share both of these thoughts and I can’t really actually imagine my life without him (because, quite frankly he has been a gigantic part of my life for so long now) deep down, I do know that life without Ed is probably possible. I don’t know that life yet, but it’s a really nice thought and life to consider.

Reminder:

I spent many of my lunch breaks last week looking up positive and encouraging eating disorder videos. Videos that were filled with positive notes and tips to maybe try and overcome an eating disorder. (Also, I watched a lot of Kid President videos. Sometimes, he just makes you feel good about yourself and sometimes you just need to hear encouraging words from a child.) I also found a site where I could download a recovery journal for absolutely free. Maybe that will help me and guide me through this whole process.

At this point, I don’t know where I’m doing. I feel like I am standing in the middle of a bridge and if I go left, I stay with Ed and go back to his comfort zone and ultimately choose death, but if I go right, I choose the bright side and choose life, love, happiness and all that freedom. Recovery embodies hope for life and encompasses a happy glow.

If you are suffering from an eating disorder or know someone who is, don't wait until you think "it's bad enough" to seek help; at any stage, all eating disorders are deadly; I can't stress this enough- it doesn't matter how long you have suffered, how old you are, how much you weigh, or any other excuse you could think of to minimize your situation...get help now- because "rock bottom" is death.:

I’m really scared though. If I get help, it means I have to eat like a normal person….scariest thing in the world. It means I can’t be afraid of food anymore, which is an anxiety all on it’s own. It means that my yogurt addiction has to lessen. It means…well it means a lot of things, but mostly good things. I know that it’s a long, long, painful process and journey, but sometimes, you just have to choose to go right. Life is too short to constantly be worrying an anxious, right?

The 5 of Us vs. The Battle

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Sounds easy, right? Well, for me admitting I had a problem was simple. Actually referring to the problem by it’s correct name and wanting help for it, well that’s another story. A story that actually plays out for a number of years. Yesterday, September 11, 2015 was the day that a step was taken. The word was thought, typed and finally spoken. I was ready to admit it. So, here it goes……I, Kairos Brynn McCollum, have Anorexia. (I’ve now starred at this screen for 5 minutes without typing). That’s it y’all. That’s all I’ve got. It took me a while to be even able to think this word. Then….I had to admit to myself that that’s what was actually going on with me. Then, I had to type it out and send it to my Mom…and then Marty. Two of THE most important people in my life, I had to tell me. I had to say the word to them and make it real and not just some figment of my imagination.

Anorexia kills people y’all. It’s really scary. It’s a really terrifying moment when you realize something is eating you alive. Day by day, piece by piece it eats and chips away at you.

Perfectionism kills people y’all. I have this stupid, stupid need to have everything be perfect. But guess what, life isn’t perfect! I know that! But for some reason I still continue to strive for something that is literally impossible. What’s up with that?

Anxiety kills people y’all. My life is one giant anxiety ball. Every little thing can set it off. It’s been my whole life, not on purpose, but it has.  I’m so ritualistic that I can’t have one thing be off during the day. I eat the same foods I need to. I do the exact same thing everyday-wake up, get dressed, eat the same breakfast, go to school, WORKOUT, eat some safe food for dinner, then, if there is time for anything else do it, and finally sleep. Anxiety is scary.

I’ve been to therapy before, my first year at ASU, at that point, I had only admitted that I had an eating disorder. I had an “ED”. I didn’t have…..anorexia. It wasn’t really real until the other day. So, here I am, typing it out, boldly attaching myself to this hideous, ugly, downright vulgar word. Think about it, what an ugly word that is!!!

Recovery

So, you may be wondering, ‘How did I get to the point where I decided to admit this? What made me come to this sudden realization?’ Well, for student teaching, we have to record ourselves for 2 minutes teaching a lesson. As I watched myself teaching, I saw how truly thin I was…and how that wasn’t healthy. I knew I’d been doing some things differently lately but I didn’t realize they were actually making me thinner. I didn’t realize that I was thinner in the mirror than I was in my head. I think getting married has just escalated things, well the dress I mean. (Not that I think getting married is bad at all. I’m so so excited to marry the love of my life. I can’t wait for it to get here.) I think I’ve just been stressed. So, here I am, saying that I’m gonna have to get help. I’m gonna have to do some things differently. Am I ready to do that before I get married in 34ish days? I’m not sure. Am I going to be ready on October 18th? Yes. Am I ready to feel better? Yes! Am I ready to not hate myself? Definitely. I’ve been waiting my whole life to love myself.

So, how did I get here? How did this happen to me? Sometimes I wonder if I did something to make myself deserve this? Do I deserve to physically and mentally be in pain over eating a peanut butter sandwich or a hamburger? Or heck, even bread? I used to be mad at God, but now, I think I’m just a little upset sometimes with Him but I don’t think I’m angry anymore. I realize that I need to be able to turn to Him for prayer and comfort and that He DIDN’T do this to me.

"The Lord heals the brokenhearted, binds up their wounds, numbers all the stars, calls each of them by name.":

I used to think it was just me against the world. But after talking, I’ve realized it’s really not. It’s not Kairos v. Eating Disorder v. Anorexia v. the world. It’s Kairos (well, plus God) and Dad, Mom, Keegan and Marty against all those evil things.

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I’m really scared, totally terrified and completely petrified. I don’t like change. Even just saying the word right now literally means that nothing is the same. My entire mind and body changes. But for now, step 1 is saying the word. I did that. That’s pretty much all I can give right now. I’ll get to step 2, it’s just going to take a little bit. It took years to get to step 1, but it’s a positive step no matter how much time it took. I’ve never been more scared, but I know that there are at least 4 truly wonderful people who are more than willing to hold my hand through this.

Stay True and Act the Part

**I feel like I’ve used this before….but when I searched it, I didn’t find anything, so I’m using the song now!**

Ghosts Mayday Parade: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4D4zpATVXQQ

Demons Mayday Parade: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKGA0hNnl9o

Ghosts  Mayday Parade: Ghosts  Mayday Parade

Seriously, I’ve asked Ed to leave just about a millionnnnn times. Does he? Nope! It’s been a very very very very long time since I’ve listened to Mayday Parade. But the other day while I was driving the radio was just awful and so I looked over and found one of their CDs. I just put it in, started listening and remembered how I used to run up and down the Concho River to this song and how I used to think about how much it reminded me of my Ed!

“Now this is getting old”

It really is getting old, and of course, metaphorically, the “ghost” is none other than the evil Ed himself. He just doesn’t leave me alone! He haunts my dreams, nightmares, and pretty much every day thoughts. There is no sacred time, thing or memory that he won’t just creep up on or into.

This describes my life today perfectly...I'm just done with life....:((: This describes my life today perfectly...I'm just done with life....:((

“Now this ghost in my bedroom it gives me advice…when you reach that golden cloud, I’ll be there with you.”

Funny thing is, there will never be a golden cloud. There will never be an end point or a perfect body! NEVER. It’s not an attainable thing. Once I reach  the point I thought was where I wanted to be, suddenly there is a new goal to pursue, a new weight, or something! You suddenly realize that your “good enough” isn’t “good enough” for someone else (Even Robots Need Blankets). There is no finish line and definitely no pleasing Ed.

“I made a brand of my own poison that I gave to you, it was the first of my experiments I’m going to put you through, now it’ll only make you dizzy, sick, and paralyzed.”

That’s seriously the way I hear Ed in my head. He made this poison for me and I apparently willingly consumed it. It’s like I’m a living science experiment that’s never going to end. Often times, it does make me feel sick and not literally paralyzed, but paralyzed in a sense that I couldn’t move or stop doing what I’m currently doing even if I actually really wanted to. He’s a monster in my closet that no amount of nightlights or parents checking under the bed will fix! I’m not even surprised he’s in the closet anymore. (Although, I do wish he looked a little more like Sully from Monster’s INC.)

I’m gonna try to live without my demons….and even if I can’t I’m gonna stay true and act the part (Better known as fake it til you make it.)

When life doesn't look like you think it should. Keep reading post at the House of Hendrix: When life doesn't look like you think it should. Keep reading post at the House of Hendrix

I’m working on it though. I think I am anyways. I’m working on cleansing my closet of all the awful monsters that live there. I’m working on cleansing my head, my thoughts and my life from all the poison Ed has pumped into over the course of my entire life. It’s a process and it’s going to take more than the 2 years that I’ve been trying. Every day is a new day, a new chance and an opportunity for a little more happiness to creep into my life 🙂 Sometimes, when I feel like I’m at the end of rope…..I just picture someone holding onto me. I picture the people that mean the most to me and that’s how I know I have to keep going. That’s how I know that all of the fear I’ve been feeling lately, because I’m absolutely terrified lately, that’s how I know it’s going to be okay no matter what. The fact that I know there are people that deeply care about me makes me believe that it’s okay to try to get better.

Invincible

***New Music Alert***

“Broken glass inside, won’t cut through me.”

cassadee-pope-i-am-invincible-cover

I DO NOT in any way, shape or form feel invincible. Ever. Which makes this title a little confusing, I know. I have never felt like I would win some crazy battle, whether it be with inner self or some other person. Anyways, Cassadee Pope has a new song out in which she talks about herself and feeling invincible. She sings about knowing that you are a strong person and not letting anyone tell you differently! She talks about taking your inner pain and issues and harnessing them and turning them around and creating a positive sense of self and inner strength. What a concept for me! There have been so so so many times over just the past few weeks, (yeah, I know, my life really) where I have completely felt helpless, out of control and like I’m never actually going to win a battle with myself or my evil inner voice, Ed.

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But hearing that song this morning, hearing the words “Heart covered in scars, but my fear is gone…” I thought, is my fear actually gone? Is my battle with some major insecurity and Ed a battle I am actually working and willing to win? Well, is it? Do I want to feel invincible? YES. I do. I so do. I just don’t know how.  I just constantly feel like if I eat one wrong food, or miss one workout that everything I’ve been working towards with my body is just gonna go straight to hell. All the efforts, literal hour long workouts, stressing about meals will just all disappear. This is not healthy! It just can’t be! I can’t continue to live in a world where I MUST check out a restaurant’s caloric content on the internet before I can decide I am even slightly able to stomach eating there. When I feel more comfortable eating a Quest bar for dinner than actual food, there’s got to be some kind of issue, right? Last weekend was my bachelorette thing before my wedding. That was an interesting evening for me. I had the girls eat at McAlister’s with me because I knew the menu; I could study it and make an ‘informed’ decision about what food I chose to put in my body. Which for me, is a gigantic comfort compared to eating at a local Mexican restaurant such as Henry’s. That place drives me insane…well possibly because I am. Then, on top of eating at McAlister’s I actually had some tiny bit of alcohol. I never do that! I’m scared of drinking! I’m scared of what it does to my body. I don’t want to change. I’m just scared……all the time.

I want to feel free….invincible.

#anorexia #eatingdisorder #recovery

Speaking of change, this weekend is my town’s local rodeo. We all know what that means….jeans!!! Jeans everywhere!! We all know how I feel about wearing jeans. Major anxiety there. It was this time last year I found myself putting on jeans that I found to be “tight” (yet they fit fine) which brought me straight back into more intense workouts. They do still fit, and I still wear them, they just freak me out. Often times, I have to remind myself that I’m not in a competition with other women. What size jeans I wear does not define me! Having an eating disorder doesn’t define me. I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not damaged because I have an eating disorder; and I am certainly not in a completion with other women I know that have issues with insecurity. I’m not in a ‘who has a bigger eating disorder’ competition. Sometimes, it’s very easy to forget that because there are always people around you, your age, talking about their diet, their workouts, their clothes, what size they want to be, and how they got to eat pizza and a burger and I ate yogurt. But that’s just life, there is always going to be some sort of trigger. The way that you overcome those triggers, become more brave, is to realize that you are just one human, and you can only do so much. You have to take a step back, take a deep breath, relax and become invincible.

Great [Positive] Expectations

I walk around pretty much constantly making mental notes in my head of things I want to write, say, or just a different way to express my current state of mind. Basically, I’m always swirling some type of thought in my head. There have been many things I wanted to write lately but it just seemed like there wouldn’t be enough to say. Anyway, something that’s been on my heart lately is this whole “body shaming” pandemic. So many people have opinions about bodies, perfect and not. Everyone’s definition is different, too. What really is “skinny”, “curvy”, “fit”, “toned”, or “perfect”? What is that? It could be different for everyone and probably is! (SIDE BAR: saying ‘strong is the new skinny’ or ‘skinny girls look good in clothes, but fit girls look good naked’…IS BODY SHAMING.)

I’ve noticed a trend lately of younger celebrities speaking out against body shaming when they are criticized by the media for not having the “ideal” body (whatever that is.) I really love this because these young women are my age. I’m currently 20, I’ll be 21 in May and technically, I still consider myself still in transition to a “womanly body”. At this age, I still feel like only certain part of me have changed and not me as a whole. This is a HIGHLY difficult for me. Women’s and girl’s bodies are drastically different. Women do have more “curves” if you will, and younger girls tend to have less fat. Understandable, women have children and their body is preparing and changing for that purpose. I feel like I’m constantly changing. Most people probably don’t notice a daily (very minor) changes in their bodies, but I do ( I factor in the eating disorder for this). Either that or I am very aware and alert to my body.

I started this transition into a new body type in the second semester of my senior year in high school (so 2012). This was just before I entered college and began into the darker journey with E.D. I began to notice changes in my hip area and areas under my arms that were closer to my chest. I literally FREAKED. I changed the way I ate, worked out, and thought about myself. Thoughts became more destructive and this was also the time I made the switch from drinking regular soda to drinking diet soda. The “changes” happened for a while and then panned out………….until just a couple of weeks ago. My body took it upon itself to reorganize my..chest..area.

Nobody else would’ve noticed, but I did. Normal people probably don’t find an issue here, but for someone who is consumed with thoughts over how to control their body and obsess over what goes into me, it would’ve been nice to be consulted about the upcoming changes. But that’s not how things work; which is why today when I read about celebrities standing up for positive body image, I was excited. These girls are my age and their bodies are probably going through similar transitions to mine. I can relate to them because it seems like they are almost just like me.

We all know about Jennifer Lawrence and how she is always an advocate for positive body image, but what about some lesser known young women?

Selena Gomez: She was recently scrutinized by the media for not being “toned” and was called “fat” like she “let herself go” or something.

After that, she took to Instagram and posted a photo with the caption, “I love being happy with me y’all #theresmoretolove.”

Selena Gomez Says She's Happy With Her New Curves: "There's More to Love"  Selena Gomez, Instagram  http://www.eonline.com/news/647440/selena-gomez-says-she-s-happy-with-her-new-curves-there-s-more-to-love

Emma Watson: She is a positive role model for women everywhere.

http://www.examiner.com/article/emma-watson-talks-body-image-it-took-me-a-long-time-to-accept-my-shape

She states that “it’s ridiculous that [being comfortable with yourself] seems such an unrealistic goal.”

 “We have these unbelievably high expectations of ourselves, when actually we’re human beings and out bodies have a function.

“I keep telling myself that I’m a human being, an imperfect human being who’s not made to look like a doll.”

Emma Brings Her Bikini Body and Her New Man to the Beach

Your Guide to Looking This Good at Graduation

Zooey Deschanel:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/04/zooey-deschanel-body-image-dont-need-anorexic-successful_n_2409327.html

She states that some of the women she admired were, “Debra Winger, Diane Keaton, Meryl Streep—were all beautiful and thin, but not too thin.” She then goes on to say that there are many actresses who seem like they are skinny but it’s an unhealthy type of skinny.

“I’m a very small person, and if I lost 15 pounds, I’d look like them; it’s scary. For young girls, what does that say? You need to look this way to be successful? That’s not true. You do not need to look or be anorexic to be successful in Hollywood. The range of what’s acceptable is larger than what people believe.”

"New Girl" style.  Totally getting this outfit!

Her point is, you DON’T have to be super thin to be successful. It does not define you!!!!

My whole point is, is I’m not [we are not] alone in the battle. Not everyone has “perfect body” expectations. There are people out there [women] who genuinely want other women to be happy, proud and confident in their own skin.

Make The Moves Up As I Go

Do you ever wonder how you got yourself into a situation? Do you retrace your steps; go back to where it all began? Sometimes I just sit, fully immersed in thought and how I got to where I am and trying to even minimally comprehend God’s intense and beautiful plan. The other day I was enjoying this thought process. How did I get here? How did I get to be almost 21? How did I get to be at this level at college waiting to retake my last teacher certification exam? HOW did I get to the age where I was ready to get married? I mean, I’m about to go in for my dress fitting! Like, what? How did I even end up with this man and how did someone not find him in North Carolina before I did? How did I get here?

10 Memorable Carrie Bradshaw Quotes to Live By

I think that a lot of people go through this thought process. You go through life thinking that everything is the same. You live day to day, in the same routine until suddenly; you realize that your life has changed without you even realizing it! And no, it’s NOT a bad thing! It’s a good thing, because if you actually got to see your life changing I don’t think you would let it happen. Change is scary and usually quite unwelcome. It’s difficult to embrace but it’s something that we all need. For now, at 20 years old, all of these changes are really exhilarating and sometimes overwhelming. That’s the beauty of it though 🙂 Overwhelming is sometimes a good emotion. I’m trying to embrace this crazy ride right now. Between school, wedding planning and sorting out things with a new house to live in, things are a little nuts. But this is one of the best times of your life right? At least that’s how I see it. Everything is new and fresh and still sparkly. I can’t tarnish that; I have to take mental pictures to be able to remember as much of this as I possibly can. I don’t want it to pass me in a blur.

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Which brings me to my final point about change….I’ll never be able to fully comprehend what makes a person go through ups and downs emotionally. I never understand what makes this happen to me. I don’t get how sometimes I can just magically feel fine and then 12 hours later feel completely awful and I want to lie on my floor and give up. How does that work? I don’t know where it comes from or how to be rid of it. It’s been like this for a couple of weeks now; I don’t think I cope with it well. I don’t cope with stress, or uncertainty, or myself changing very well. I don’t know how to handle myself looking differently. I can’t wrap my mind around someone looking at me differently, scrutinizing my body in weird ways. Actually, maybe that second part is just me. Maybe this is all pre-wedding dress fitting jitters, but I’m just trying to keep all my thoughts collected and in one place. Change is a long and constant road. There’s no escaping.

Fighting Dragons With You

  • REVOLUTION
  • VARIATION
  • INNOVATION
  • SHIFT
  • ADJUSTMENT
  • MODIFICATION
  • REMODEL
  • METAMORPHOSIS
  • RECONSTRUCTION
  • TRANSFORMATION
  • REFINEMENT

Or simply put, change.


Sweeter Than Fiction

It was recently pointed out to me the other day that I’m pretty open about my eating disorder.  I’m gonna go ahead and assume that it’s a positive comment. It got me thinking, I didn’t used to be that way. In the very beginning I was really reserved. Literally, only family and 2 maybe 3 people outside of that knew what I was going through. Even when I first started my blog I hadn’t posted it on my own personal social media so that people who even kind of knew me could see what I think and feel. Even in early/middle of October I still hadn’t really let on to many people that I was going through this terrible time in my life. However, it was around that time that I decided that I wanted to speak to the youth about my personal struggle and how you have to be careful about what you say to others. But there is a reason I’m open now. I know that I always wished for someone to help me while I was going through this. If I can help someone, help them understand, by simply putting it out there how I feel, how I think and it would impact them in a positive way, why wouldn’t I do that?

Anyways, this morning I was jamming out to some old school T-Swift when Change came on my radio. You should’ve seen me in the car. I’m pretty sure I was doing some entertaining dancing. I don’t even care! In the moment, all I’m experiencing what it felt like for 3 minutes to be free. Literally all I thought about when that song was playing was me and my recovery and how you have to fight to get through it. You literally have to fight tooth and nail, use your fingernails and claw and crawl your way to the top.

“We’re faster and never scared”

Recovery is a really scary and serious process. You already feel a whirlwind of emotions constantly, and sitting in therapy only brings the nasty and negative thoughts to the surface. When I started out, I wasn’t sure I wanted to do this. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be “The Kairos without the eating disorder”. I didn’t want to be better. I was absolutely terrified, and rightfully so. I was afraid to find out who I was without my eating disorder or without it constantly breathing down my neck and over analyzing my every waking move. I had this giant misconception though. I was under the impression that once you enter recovery the eating disorder, negative thoughts and self loathing magically disappear and you become a totally new person. Wrong. So Wrong. I don’t believe that for a second. Yes, you do change, but not the the way I was originally thinking. I’m still the same person. I still have some negative thoughts, they just aren’t as dark or frequent. That’s always going to be a major part of me. It doesn’t erase or become invisible, which is something I thought was going to happen.  My eating disorder will always be a part of my life history and why I do some of things I do, but I don’t have to be chained to being “The girl with the eating disorder”. 

There comes a point where things ‘change’.

There comes a point where ‘the walls they put up fall down’.

There comes a point where coming into the slightest, tiniest bit of recovery makes you a ‘champion tonight’.

- Taylor Swift