Tag Archives: changes

Christmas Time Is Here

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Ah, Andy Williams (he’s apparently the first one to sing it.) Anyways, Christmas time 🙂

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source: http://www.prettydesigns.com/35-christmas-quotes-you-will-love/

I haven’t written in a very, very, very long time. Mainly because I have so much to do these days and I have all these adult responsibilities now. I feel so old…ha. Even when I do get a spare moment, I like to just sit, or clean something, watch TV, of trying to frantically finish this cross stitch chart I’m doing. Tonight though, I attended the Christmas pageant at my church. This is where all the kiddos in the church get up and act out/sing about the birth of Jesus. It’s the sweetest thing! I was sitting there listening to them and watching them and laughing at/enjoying all their little quirks which got me thinking about the students in my classroom that I’m with every single day. I was sitting there trying to soak it all it and I realized that…..this is what life is about. Life is about singing, rejoicing, talking, laughing, playing, and wondering. It’s not supposed to be difficult. You aren’t supposed to spend every minute trying to control and fix every little thing. It’s about freedom and enjoying yourself and life. I was sitting in a pew with all these thoughts swirling around and coming to me and filling my heart. Maybe it’s just the Christmas spirit coming into my heart and filling it to the brim. I’m choosing to think something else though. Maybe this is God stepping into my heart and filling it even more. I found myself listening to the lyrics of Joy To The World and thinking about how much joy I was feeling and how thankful I am about how far I have come since August.

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Halloween

It’s been a long and rough 4ish months. I’m a new, first year teacher and things were TOUGH at the beginning. I found myself in tears so often and thinking I would never get the hang of anything and like I was going to have to find a different career path because this was NOT working. But I stuck it out, I dragged myself through it every day. It was hard. It was so freaking hard. But about a week ago when my students were writing letters to Santa (and telling me seamlessly unending stories about their Elf on a Shelf), I found myself reflecting on how we are almost to the end of the semester and how far I have come and how far the students in my room have come. This isn’t so bad anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like the cliffhanger at the end of a TV show each week. “Tune in next week to find out what happens on Mrs. Powell’s Corral. Will she get all her grading done? Will she be prepped and ready for next week? Will all the parents remember to pick up their children?” It’s been an interesting ride and quite the learning process so far and I can only imagine what the second semester will bring.

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I’ve come quite far in a number of aspects in life.

(Fall Festival Day. Can you see my holiday leggings?! Yes, I did find quite a few Christmas pairs!)

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That’s not to say that Ed hasn’t been here with me the last 4 months. Boy, has he. He’s there every day. But most days he has shut up a little more. He shows up every day at lunch to tell me that what I’m doing is dumb, but I’ve just gotta drown him out really. He’s there most afternoons telling me to go run my little heart out (Christmas videos and shows have been helpful entertainment lately). He’s still present. But I think he may be quieter. It’s been so hard to wrap my mind around how my body looks now. So hard. I don’t even know an expression that is great enough to explain how I feel. I’m trying to focus on the positive aspects of it and learn to accept myself.

Instead of trying to focus on the negative things I’m trying to hard to focus on the good: what’s positive, what brings me joy, what brings others joy, what makes me feel good. Like I said, maybe it’s all the Christmas décor in my house, the Christmas movies on TV, the thought of a break from school and all the Christmas crafts I’d like to do, but I’m trying to think of it as more of a healing process.

There is probably so much more I could say but I’m trying to frantically get these words out on the page before I completely lose what I have been thinking about for the past few hours. I hope you are well and are having a wonderful Christmas or Holiday Season 🙂

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We start reading The Polar Express tomorrow!

 

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Lost&Insecure

PLEASE DON’T ASK ME TO GO OUT TO EAT WITH YOU…… Sorry for the all capital letters but I just HAD to get that out there. Whew! Now deep breath. Monday and Tuesday signify a start to a new school year. This semester is different than all the rest. It’s uncharted territory for me. It’s MY LAST ONE! Since I start student teaching on Wednesday, Monday and Tuesday are ‘work days’ for us up at the university. During both these work days we get to leave for lunch and that means that there will be girls that want to go out to eat for lunch and then will probably invite me.

Hungry Girl Survival Guides: Best & worst choices at chain restaurants, holiday parties, Chinese takeout, coffee shops, & more! #FoodAdvice

It’s not that I don’t enjoy the company of others or that I’m a total people hater (insert laugh here) it’s just that I literally cannot handle it. I can’t do it. I can’t make myself do it. I’m especially on edge lately. I was just explaining to Marty last night that I literally live my life day to day trying to figure out a way to eat the least amount of calories as possible. I’m crazy…I know. You don’t have to say it. But don’t feel bad for me either. IS “this” a choice I’m making on purpose? I don’t know honestly. Some people might say it was. I’m unsure.

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It’s just that I can’t make spur of the moment decisions that involve food. I’m obsessed (actually, I’m not going to call it obsessed, because that’s not it.) I just NEED to know what the food is I’m eating. I need to be able to trust that it’s within the realms of what I deem ‘healthy’. Sometimes, even if I know that the food I will consume is healthy, I still can’t go eat at that restaurant because the calories are still too high in my mind. I know that’s not normal.

I know that wanting to eat yogurt for literally every meal IS NOT GOOD. I can’t help it. Even drinking this Quest protein shake mix I have is difficult sometimes because I have such a routine. I had a freak out the other night as I was lying in my bed. I’m trying to fall asleep and my brain says “No, let’s think!!!!!” I was thinking about how I’m about to be in a school all day long and I’ll come home to work out like usual (no big deal). Then, I realized that in 56 days, I will have to begin a new routine. I’ll still go to a classroom all day, but then I’ll go home to a new house which doesn’t have an elliptical. CHANGE. So, then I was thinking about how I would need to run before I came home from school/work (not a big deal…yet). I figured I could run at the track, but what about Thursday/Friday home football??? The courthouse would do, I guess. But what if it’s too cold? What if it’s too hot? WHAT IF?! Suddenly, I couldn’t handle being in my own brain.  Suddenly, everything was thrown out of control and I couldn’t get a handle on it. Thank goodness I fell asleep so I didn’t end up in tears that night.

I’ve just had many bad, bad, bad days in a row and the pressure and stress of school is already starting. This certainly does not aid my anxiety. I was just thinking about the other day, how I used to throw my food up from time to time, especially my first 2 semesters at UTSA and my first semester at ASU and how now I do that much, much less. I have made a baby step.

SIDE NOTE: I’ve been thinking about confidence lately. I’ve seen many pins about it lately on Pinterest and I’ve been thinking about how I need to have that in the classroom as a teacher. But, just because you merely don’t have confidence in your brain or body does not mean that you have some sort of a disorder or are damaged. Everyone has doubts about themselves at times, you aren’t totally going to be pleased with your body 100% of the time! Everyone has some sort of insecurity. Everyone feels like they aren’t good enough from time to time. What I’m saying is…..don’t label yourself “damaged” or “disordered” just because you lack confidence sometimes. We are ALL great 🙂

To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don't need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.

SIDE NOTE AGAIN: I read somewhere the other day that eating disorders were genetic. I didn’t research it further, but what if I give one to my child?!