Tag Archives: christmas

Christmas Time Is Here

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Ah, Andy Williams (he’s apparently the first one to sing it.) Anyways, Christmas time 🙂

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source: http://www.prettydesigns.com/35-christmas-quotes-you-will-love/

I haven’t written in a very, very, very long time. Mainly because I have so much to do these days and I have all these adult responsibilities now. I feel so old…ha. Even when I do get a spare moment, I like to just sit, or clean something, watch TV, of trying to frantically finish this cross stitch chart I’m doing. Tonight though, I attended the Christmas pageant at my church. This is where all the kiddos in the church get up and act out/sing about the birth of Jesus. It’s the sweetest thing! I was sitting there listening to them and watching them and laughing at/enjoying all their little quirks which got me thinking about the students in my classroom that I’m with every single day. I was sitting there trying to soak it all it and I realized that…..this is what life is about. Life is about singing, rejoicing, talking, laughing, playing, and wondering. It’s not supposed to be difficult. You aren’t supposed to spend every minute trying to control and fix every little thing. It’s about freedom and enjoying yourself and life. I was sitting in a pew with all these thoughts swirling around and coming to me and filling my heart. Maybe it’s just the Christmas spirit coming into my heart and filling it to the brim. I’m choosing to think something else though. Maybe this is God stepping into my heart and filling it even more. I found myself listening to the lyrics of Joy To The World and thinking about how much joy I was feeling and how thankful I am about how far I have come since August.

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Halloween

It’s been a long and rough 4ish months. I’m a new, first year teacher and things were TOUGH at the beginning. I found myself in tears so often and thinking I would never get the hang of anything and like I was going to have to find a different career path because this was NOT working. But I stuck it out, I dragged myself through it every day. It was hard. It was so freaking hard. But about a week ago when my students were writing letters to Santa (and telling me seamlessly unending stories about their Elf on a Shelf), I found myself reflecting on how we are almost to the end of the semester and how far I have come and how far the students in my room have come. This isn’t so bad anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like the cliffhanger at the end of a TV show each week. “Tune in next week to find out what happens on Mrs. Powell’s Corral. Will she get all her grading done? Will she be prepped and ready for next week? Will all the parents remember to pick up their children?” It’s been an interesting ride and quite the learning process so far and I can only imagine what the second semester will bring.

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I’ve come quite far in a number of aspects in life.

(Fall Festival Day. Can you see my holiday leggings?! Yes, I did find quite a few Christmas pairs!)

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That’s not to say that Ed hasn’t been here with me the last 4 months. Boy, has he. He’s there every day. But most days he has shut up a little more. He shows up every day at lunch to tell me that what I’m doing is dumb, but I’ve just gotta drown him out really. He’s there most afternoons telling me to go run my little heart out (Christmas videos and shows have been helpful entertainment lately). He’s still present. But I think he may be quieter. It’s been so hard to wrap my mind around how my body looks now. So hard. I don’t even know an expression that is great enough to explain how I feel. I’m trying to focus on the positive aspects of it and learn to accept myself.

Instead of trying to focus on the negative things I’m trying to hard to focus on the good: what’s positive, what brings me joy, what brings others joy, what makes me feel good. Like I said, maybe it’s all the Christmas décor in my house, the Christmas movies on TV, the thought of a break from school and all the Christmas crafts I’d like to do, but I’m trying to think of it as more of a healing process.

There is probably so much more I could say but I’m trying to frantically get these words out on the page before I completely lose what I have been thinking about for the past few hours. I hope you are well and are having a wonderful Christmas or Holiday Season 🙂

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We start reading The Polar Express tomorrow!

 

Fun Friday 8/5

What did I do my last week before I become an officially employed person? I watched way too much Scandal, made cinnamon bread and wished it was fall instead of summer! That’s normal, right???

I’m such a boring person……

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I’d be lying if I said Hobby Lobby wasn’t one of my “happy places”. It definitely is. I love that place. I’m kind of been wishing it was fall these past couple of days and Hobby Lobby didn’t help. Although, I kind of brought the yearning for fall upon myself. I made cinnamon bread the other night and I put a scent in our bathroom wallflower from Bath & Body Works that smells like ‘warm apple pie’. It’s magnificent though! No regrets there!

I had to visit Hobby Lobby to get some new thread for my new cross stitch project. I swear, I don’t know how I don’t have every color. And since they always put out holiday things way too far ahead I got to explore Thanksgiving and Christmas 🙂

20160804_121034I am totally convinced that I’m going to need this little turkey door sign when it actually gets closer to fall. How could you not find him totally adorable?!

I did practice some self control yesterday…because I kind of have a thing for Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang. They did have some Charlie Brown Christmas theme decor.

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I feel like they are nutcrackers but I’m not positive. How cute though!!!!

Finally, if you like classic Christmas animation, I think you might like these cuties.

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Rudolph and Clarice!! 20160804_122749

If I had a child I would be all over these. I just think they would need them. When I was a kid I had to settle for a Rudolph stuffed animal that only kind of looked like him. Jealous.

I think I just had a little too much fun yesterday exploring Hobby Lobby.

JOY to the World

I’m sitting here this morning watching they Disney Parade (I’m 6, I know. No judgement please.) But as I’m sitting here, soaking up all of the Christmas morning magic it makes me consider this life and most importantly The Savior that makes this spectacular life possible.

“The Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be pregnant. She will have a son, and she will name him Immanuel.” Isaiah 7:14

“For to us a child is born, to use a son is given; and the government shall be rest upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6-7

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As I’ve said before, these past 2 months have been insane; both positive and negative. In 2015, my life is going to change for the better. I get the marry the love of my life! How crazy is that?! But on the negative end, my little brother has ITP, which is a a blood disorder where he doesn’t have enough platelets in his blood. He’s been in and out of the hospital for the past couple of weeks and he even went in a day before Christmas Eve. He got to come home yesterday though, and we all celebrated Christmas Eve/Christmas with him 🙂 He’s doing so much better.

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This Christmas isn’t about being pretty for me. It’s not about letting Ed live my life and control all my habits. It’s about being happy and soaking in all the love and beautiful things that God has surrounded you with. Spending time with your family and being thankful for who is present in your life and stop complaining about being ‘alone’ because you don’t have a significant other. That’s not what today is. Take your mind off the negative and refocus it on the positive aspects.

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This is a beautiful, wonderful, joyous, loving, exciting, and grand life. Let’s live in the spectacular now. Merry Christmas 🙂

Merry Christmas not happy holidays !!!!!

Thanksgiving Owl…I Mean Turkey!

Soooooo…..Thanksgiving….my old enemy, we meet again. Here we are again, it’s this time of year. I completely dread this time of year, but I know that so so many people love it! And that’s fantastic! Don’t get me wrong, I love  it too. I absolutely LOVE Christmas and the feeling of fall and Thanksgiving. It’s an amazing feeling that you can only get from certain times. It’s the only time I ever get this unique feeling and I simply cherish it.

That being said, I hate one teeny, tiny aspect of it. (I’m sure most people love it. People are literally walking around asking if you are going to eat too much. Like….what????!?) I Hate The Eating Part. HATE IT. I find it absurd and I hate that their is an entire holiday focused on eating. Whatever happened to being thankful, truly thankful. It’s a time to be thankful for EVERYTHING that you have (food included, I guess). Everything from your family, job, food, home, friends, dogs, freedom, willingness of a person to go to an unknown country and protect a person they don’t even know, anything you can think of. I think that’s the beautiful part of Thanksgiving. That’s what I remember. That’s what I hold in my heart that day. That’s what I hope everyone else thinks of. I block out the food and the questions about college and overall irritating questions from eager but loving relatives. That’s what the day is about. 

Thanksgiving Owls http://www.misskatecuttables.com/products/thanksgiving/freebie-of-the-day-thanksgiving-owls.php

Second of all, my ED makes holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving harder than they really should be, and probably way more difficult than they are for someone who doesn’t suffer from this burden. Because literally anytime I start to think that ED is gone, or less, or…a word I can’t describe. He comes creeping back in. He makes me day horrible. He makes me irritated beyond belief.  He opens up old wounds, peels off the old band-aid and allows the blood to come oozing out. He doesn’t care that it hurts. He doesn’t care that he causes pain. He DOES NOT care that this is a holiday to be happy and thankful and of celebration. Those feeling simply aren’t in his repertoire. Ed stabs you in the back, the front, the side basically anyplace he can jab his words.

“Salt in the wound like you’re laughing right at me.”

Bad blood taylor swift lyrics

But, this year, I’m trying something new. I’m trying to focus on all that I have to be THANKFUL for. Because there is honestly so so so very much that I have to be thankful for that quite frankly outranks and surpasses Ed. Why do I choose to burden myself with something that only causes me great pain? Well, I can’t always help that, but I can help the fact that I can channel all of my energy this holiday season into cherishing precious and few moments, and when I become overwhelmed with food and body image issues (WHICH I WILL. NO DOUBT.) I can take a breath, and remember that the people I’m choosing to celebrating with love me, and I don’t have to constantly live in anguish over what I currently look like in my clothes.

Thanking Jesus for who He is and all He does really helps my heart when Im overwhelmed.

10 Maya Angelou Quotes That'll Make You Love Life and Get Sh*t Done | Women's Health Magazine

My Demons Hide

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Smf5seVgynk

“My outsides are cool, my insides are blue, every time I think I’m through it’s because of you, I’ve tried different ways but it’s all the same, at the end of the day I have myself to blame.”- Unpretty– Glee Version

Have you ever tried to keep yourself from crying ALL day long? If you haven’t, I can personally say, don’t try it. It’s ridiculous. I wish I didn’t have to. All day long, no matter what I had on, who I was with, or what I was doing, never for a minute, did I feel okay. What an awful feeling right? I just, wanna literally break down in tears right now. But I know that if  I do start crying someone will ask what’s wrong, or try to help me. I can’t explain what’s wrong and really, how is someone going to help me? They can’t really. I just… don’t want anyone to ever think  I don’t look pretty. It’s a terrible fear that I have inside me.

As I go throughout the day, the worst I felt. I felt myself analyzing what I was eating, if I was allowed to eat, what I could possible wear tomorrow or even if I wanted to eat tomorrow. You’ve gotta give that some serious consideration sometimes. Or at least  I do. I just…I can’t do this. I can’t. I feel like I’m hiding in a corner and pretending that everything is okay, when really, it couldn’t be any worse. I can’t disappoint people. Sometimes, I just wanna throw things out of my frustration.

I’m trying very, very hard to be everything that a person needs or wants and really, I just feel like I’m not enough. I feel like I haven’t done enough recovery or I’m afraid that other person will think that I’m only concerned with me or what I look like. Like I said earlier, sometimes, I think I just wanna burst out in tears.

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It’s Christmas, shouldn’t I be happy, cheerful and excited?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LW7MD4p2dGs

“And it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.” – Shake It Off –Glee Version

Try to Have Yourself Merry Little Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Np9QrkUO554

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I’ve been sitting here on my couch for the past 15 minutes trying to do research on how people with eating disorders manage to somehow survive the holiday season without losing their mind. I never thought finding answers on the internet to a question I have would be so difficult! With 4 days until Christmas Eve, I’m starting to get a little nervous about all the food, candy, relatives and conversation that will be occurring over the next week and a half or so.

Sooo, anyways, all of the articles that I have read have basically said the same kind of thing. They say to create a list of things you fear could happen during the holidays, make sure you have a friend you can go to, and then to plan out everything as best you can. Some other articles I visited also stated that  I need to keep in mind that there will be obstacles over the holidays, and that I need to be open about Ed, my treatment and what I want and do not want to eat. They also reminded me not to be too hard on myself, because this is all part of the recovery process.

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One of the scariest houses I will have to go to over the next few days is my grandmother’s. This is because she is almost always asking if you are hungry, how your food tasted, what you think of it, if you want more and then she’s constantly hovering over you while you attempt to eat!!! It’s so nerve racking and turns  my anxiety up about 10 notches. It’s also pretty scary because of the fight that we had this summer because she wouldn’t stop talking about how everyone’s food tasted. So, again I say, I’m just completely terrified of going there. It’s just that all of her words put thoughts (that are already to common in my mind) in my head. They give Ed more power, (and like Ed needs anymore reasons to scream at my constantly).

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I just have to remember to take a deep breath. Think positively, and well, slowly and choose my words carefully. Try to remember that people just want to help and that they love me. And always, always remember that there is always something to be thankful for 🙂

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