Tag Archives: clothing

The Restricted List

I came to the realization last night that I probably haven’t eaten “real/solid” food since last Saturday. It’s been 5 days. That’s probably a really really terrible thing. Then, I realized why I hadn’t really eaten anything that wasn’t yogurt, a banana, an apple, pretzels, quest bars, or some kind of peanut butter…I’ve been afraid to. I’m afraid of eating a food that’s on the ‘restricted list’ because I’m afraid of the repercussions. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve actually seen it change something on me, I’m make believing something will happen or I’m just plain imagining each calorie going someplace on my body. I literally can’t tell you.

It's OK to not be OK!

I’ve been wanting to eat all sorts of things on the off limits list over the past few hours; you know, like donuts, some pizza, and really some macaroni and cheese!!! I just haven’t. I can’t bring myself to do it. I see other people doing it, and they seem fine. They even look fine. And I swear if someone tells me after reading this that I CAN eat all of those foods, I might punch them ( think it through. I don’t mean it rudely.) I just mean that you saying that to me, might anger me a little. I’m fully aware that I CAN eat those foods, it’s choosing to that’s difficult and then following through. I’m working on it, well, more like up to it.

Baked Vanilla Bean Doughnuts - these are so soft and moist and loaded with vanilla beans.When you become so afraid to eat food that’s on the ‘Restricted List’ are you really in a good place? I’m just so so very terrified. I live my life in fear. I found myself completely overcome and consumed last Saturday with the fact that nothing I ate was even close to being on the safe food list. I had cake, and well some other foods that I’m not sure the name of but they tasted good. In the moment and in the following couple of hours surrounded by people I was completely fine with it. Then came 6:00 P.M. when it was time for dinner and I literally found myself shaking, trying not to just completely fall apart and cry and trying not to snap at people because they really don’t deserve it. I realized then, but more now really that I should probably ease some off the beaten path foods into my everyday diet.

Which leads me to lunch today….I’m making my own pizza at home. I’m gonna do it and I’m going to enjoy it. It’s going to be okay.

Classic Pizza Margherita  Dough yields 4 pizzas serving 3 to 4 people total    1 recipe pizza dough (follow instructions here)  1 recipe tomato sauce  fresh mozzarella cheese  fresh basil leaves, sliced thinly after pizza is removed from oven

Also, I read this today, which seemed to help a little.

https://www.yahoo.com/style/getting-engaged-meant-facing-my-anorexia-again-124689801623.html

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Invincible

***New Music Alert***

“Broken glass inside, won’t cut through me.”

cassadee-pope-i-am-invincible-cover

I DO NOT in any way, shape or form feel invincible. Ever. Which makes this title a little confusing, I know. I have never felt like I would win some crazy battle, whether it be with inner self or some other person. Anyways, Cassadee Pope has a new song out in which she talks about herself and feeling invincible. She sings about knowing that you are a strong person and not letting anyone tell you differently! She talks about taking your inner pain and issues and harnessing them and turning them around and creating a positive sense of self and inner strength. What a concept for me! There have been so so so many times over just the past few weeks, (yeah, I know, my life really) where I have completely felt helpless, out of control and like I’m never actually going to win a battle with myself or my evil inner voice, Ed.

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But hearing that song this morning, hearing the words “Heart covered in scars, but my fear is gone…” I thought, is my fear actually gone? Is my battle with some major insecurity and Ed a battle I am actually working and willing to win? Well, is it? Do I want to feel invincible? YES. I do. I so do. I just don’t know how.  I just constantly feel like if I eat one wrong food, or miss one workout that everything I’ve been working towards with my body is just gonna go straight to hell. All the efforts, literal hour long workouts, stressing about meals will just all disappear. This is not healthy! It just can’t be! I can’t continue to live in a world where I MUST check out a restaurant’s caloric content on the internet before I can decide I am even slightly able to stomach eating there. When I feel more comfortable eating a Quest bar for dinner than actual food, there’s got to be some kind of issue, right? Last weekend was my bachelorette thing before my wedding. That was an interesting evening for me. I had the girls eat at McAlister’s with me because I knew the menu; I could study it and make an ‘informed’ decision about what food I chose to put in my body. Which for me, is a gigantic comfort compared to eating at a local Mexican restaurant such as Henry’s. That place drives me insane…well possibly because I am. Then, on top of eating at McAlister’s I actually had some tiny bit of alcohol. I never do that! I’m scared of drinking! I’m scared of what it does to my body. I don’t want to change. I’m just scared……all the time.

I want to feel free….invincible.

#anorexia #eatingdisorder #recovery

Speaking of change, this weekend is my town’s local rodeo. We all know what that means….jeans!!! Jeans everywhere!! We all know how I feel about wearing jeans. Major anxiety there. It was this time last year I found myself putting on jeans that I found to be “tight” (yet they fit fine) which brought me straight back into more intense workouts. They do still fit, and I still wear them, they just freak me out. Often times, I have to remind myself that I’m not in a competition with other women. What size jeans I wear does not define me! Having an eating disorder doesn’t define me. I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not damaged because I have an eating disorder; and I am certainly not in a completion with other women I know that have issues with insecurity. I’m not in a ‘who has a bigger eating disorder’ competition. Sometimes, it’s very easy to forget that because there are always people around you, your age, talking about their diet, their workouts, their clothes, what size they want to be, and how they got to eat pizza and a burger and I ate yogurt. But that’s just life, there is always going to be some sort of trigger. The way that you overcome those triggers, become more brave, is to realize that you are just one human, and you can only do so much. You have to take a step back, take a deep breath, relax and become invincible.

No Kick From The Trigger

Bang, bang, rollin’ off your tongue. 

When the enemy attacks you in moments of weakness the LORD will rescue you. He will bring you into a safe place and He will deliver you because He takes delight in you who love and obey Him.  Amen

Inferior. It’s not a nice word or a pretty word or a pleasant feeling. But we’ve all felt it at some time. Lately, I think I’ve been feeling that for numerous reasons:

  • school because I don’t “have time” to read 25-50+ pages PLUS go to class
  • because I’m not working and going to college at the same time
  • because I’m not as pretty/insert thing here as someone else
  • because I’m considering getting married before my fiance and I have been engaged for an entire year
  • and sometimes, because I’m kind of afraid of the future

I’m sick and tired of that.

Words are literally like bullets shooting out of a gun. Once you pull that trigger, even the slightest bit, you set off a huge chain of events. That “bullet” leaves the barrel and immediately starts charging down its course to rip into a person. It slices the air into thin slivers and almost as easily as it left the gun, penetrates it’s victim. Straight to the heart or the head is the most lethal. The “bullet” is just as painful as words can be. I promise you. Once the bullet leaves the chamber, it is completely out in the open, out of your hands and there’s no way to take it back. No rewind button whatsoever. You can’t pull it back in and make it disappear. Just like words leave a mouth, bullets charge away.

I wish words were like little toy guns. 

Carrie Underwood - Little toy Guns love it!!

Wish they didn’t break you inside.

But that’s the strangest thing about words. They do hurt. They do cause pain. Maybe the worst type of pain. So, what are you doing with your words? Do you use them as weapons to cut and slay and manipulate others, or do you use them in the best way you can? Are you trying to remember that anything you say can actually hurt someone? I think that we have to remember that words and both magical and harmful. Let’s use those to be positive : )

I don’t wanna feel inferior about not working or wanting to get married before a year has passed. The negative feelings about beauty will take time, but I can change the others now. I’m not working because I take 18 hours….that’s hard for me. Going to school is hard for me…handling this ed, that’s hard for me…and both together are difficult. But I’m going to do it….I’m going to make it.

true!

Designed

Yup me..// right on .. Power baby be you only you... thanks Pinterest new one to me..Smart ass me, lol anna

https://www.yahoo.com/health/why-6-pack-victorias-secret-model-abs-actually-104909864872.html

Inspirational Quotes To Get You Through The Week (February 4, 2014)

I’m not going to say anything about this really. It’s kind of a lengthy article, but it makes a very good point. Let me just point out that your body looks exactly how God designed it to look and hating or harming yourself isn’t going to help you feel any better. Let the models be models, for their were designed to…and you, you just be you.

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AnnQuote_0911_BeBraveSeries2b[1]

Be Your Own Angel

Time for my annual rant. If you don’t wanna hear it and you’re going to say “they work hard for their bodies and train as hard as anyone else.” Stop reading now. Go!

First thoughts when you first hear about the annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show:

“Oh, great I like to watch that every year.”

“Then again, I just love to torture myself.”

“Skinny and pretty models parading around in underwear. Lovely.”

“Oh, but I love T-Swift. Ed Sheeran too!”

“I guess I’ll watch. Stupid models. Making girls self esteem go down every year around this time.”

So, I admit it, I pretty much watch this every year. I guess you could say it’s “torture”. I don’t know if I feel quite that way about it though. I’ve read and researched a lot of information about this fashion show and how the models workout and how they diet and how they prepare for this upcoming show. I don’t even want to explain that. It’s a lot of words that you could probably guess at or make your own assumptions about how those “angels” live. I’m not saying they don’t eat pizza, because I don’t know how those women live. I’m also not saying that they don’t work hard to maintain those “perfect bodies”. What I am saying though, is that does this industry have to only showcase this singular type of woman?

There are plenty of different sized women in the world. Plenty. And not one single type of woman appeals to all men. I’m not saying that we have to necessarily only showcase bigger than size 10 women, size 0 or size 6. I’m just saying that there could be variety added to the show! Seriously. Let’s spice up this thing or change it up so that it’s not horrifically predictable.

Thoughts during the VS Show:

“Well I feel fat.”

“She’s not even pretty.”

“I hope she falls.”

“Is she married?”

“Tomorrow I start running. I’m never going to look like that.”

I think that it’s important to show that all different body types are beautiful. I think it’s vital to show little girls, teen girls, young women, college girls, and even older women that their bodies are beautiful just the way they are. I know that I for one have trouble accepting these compliments or truths, I struggled with it all today. I just believe that it’s important to show young girls and daughters and mothers that just because they aren’t a size 0-2 doesn’t mean they aren’t beautiful. It means that they are beautiful to their friends, boyfriends, fiances, and husbands just the way they are.

Yeah, the VS Show gets a lot of heat each and every year. Sure, the whole company catches flack for these models. I’m sure they don’t blink an eye at it anymore. But let me just say…..seeing your ribs isn’t normal nor do I feel that it should be praised. Final point, yes, they are pretty and work hard, but I don’t like the message they are conveying (whether it be intentional or not).

VS and Society’s view of beauty literally is “a nightmare dressed like a daydream”. Believe me, I live that nightmare. It seems like a sparkly dream, but it’s not, it’s really not. The vision at the end is not worth the journey to get there…….(insert experience here).

Halloween Is…..SOOOO Fun (Eye Roll)

So, that “Bad Day” song that used to come on the radio all the time? Yeah, it should really come one more often. On second thought, I really don’t like that song. It’s something about the way it sounds. Anyways, it would’ve been a perfect theme song to this week. To add on to that thought, it’s Halloween. Just my all-time favorite day (sarcasm at it’s finest, yes.) I wasn’t bothered this morning or at all really literally up until about 10 minutes ago.

Eating disorders quote: You Can't Weigh Beauty.   www.HealthyPlace.com

I’ve seen girls half dressed before, I mean it shouldn’t really be a big deal. It just happens to be when certain people show up on your Instagram or you know, any other place. I see these picture of these girls and they just look better than you and suddenly you’re sucked into the vortex of everything you need to fix and change and do better than what they are doing or…..I’m getting carried away so I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to say at this point. The train of thought has been derailed. But crying is a definite possibility right now. I just don’t even know. I just feel……….weird. I just haven’t felt bad like that in a little while. I mean, if you ever wanted to feel bad about yourself, apparently today is that day.

Little Mermaid - Homemade Halloween Costume for Adolescents/Adults. Too cute, wish I had more time to do this!

Being hotter than actual Disney princesses. TSM.

I mean, whatever happened to dressing like this:

Work Appropriate Halloween Costumes You know, with all your clothes on?

Now I remember however, aside from the scary movies and scary costumes and people acting ridiculous I remember why I hate this day. Thanks girls. (Not that it’s even y’all’s fault. Haha.)

I know places

Oh Joy, the VS Fashion Show is Here….

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/13/victorias-secret-models_n_4266776.html  (Body Makeup)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/13/victorias-secret-casting_n_4266647.html  (VS Fashion Show Casting)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/07/victorias-secret-angel-diet_n_1079315.html  (VS Diet)

http://www.blogilates.com/diet-2/the-victorias-secret-model-diet (Diet)

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Oh joy. It’s my favorite time of year, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is here. Ugh. Blah. (Insert other annoyed words here.) I really do not care. Honestly, the whole thing just kind of upsets me. I don’t want to turn on the TV and see women walking around in their bra and underwear just kind of having everything exposed. I just don’t see why it appeals to people to see women showing “fashion” in that manner. Is it the media, women, men, or the world that makes everyone feel fine about this broadcast? I know, I know, if I don’t like it, I don’t have to watch it. Please spare me the lecture. I’m well aware of this. 

My whole problem with this show is what it’s message is to both young girls and women. Why is being so skinny that we see all the stomach muscles or the occasional rib attractive? Why is this deemed beautiful? What makes those women any more desirable than those women who are a normal weight and don’t start to starve themselves 9 days before they have a big event? On that note, who even wants to not eat solids or drink anything?! That just sounds crazy to me. 

For me, being as I have my own eating disorder, this show represents a huge Ed to me. As I see the models walk down the runway, all I can hear is Ed screaming at me. He says that those women are something that I will never be able to attain. Nothing but negative words, and negative images. Basically, I’m pretty against having women walk down the runway in their underwear and having the rest of the women in the world compared to them. Those are a specific group of women, and most women in the world don’t actually look like that. I just feel like its unfair for women to be compared to that of models. Everything in the world revolves around what we look like. We think that if we look a certain way, dress a particular way, wear are hair in the current style, or wear the smallest size in the store possible, that all of that makes a prettier or have more desire to be wanted. I just think that’s totally wrong. We are more than a size and hairstyle. We are actual people. 

Basically, screw you media, screw you modeling industry, screw you clothing sizes, and screw you ED!

 

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