Tag Archives: college

Make The Moves Up As I Go

Do you ever wonder how you got yourself into a situation? Do you retrace your steps; go back to where it all began? Sometimes I just sit, fully immersed in thought and how I got to where I am and trying to even minimally comprehend God’s intense and beautiful plan. The other day I was enjoying this thought process. How did I get here? How did I get to be almost 21? How did I get to be at this level at college waiting to retake my last teacher certification exam? HOW did I get to the age where I was ready to get married? I mean, I’m about to go in for my dress fitting! Like, what? How did I even end up with this man and how did someone not find him in North Carolina before I did? How did I get here?

10 Memorable Carrie Bradshaw Quotes to Live By

I think that a lot of people go through this thought process. You go through life thinking that everything is the same. You live day to day, in the same routine until suddenly; you realize that your life has changed without you even realizing it! And no, it’s NOT a bad thing! It’s a good thing, because if you actually got to see your life changing I don’t think you would let it happen. Change is scary and usually quite unwelcome. It’s difficult to embrace but it’s something that we all need. For now, at 20 years old, all of these changes are really exhilarating and sometimes overwhelming. That’s the beauty of it though 🙂 Overwhelming is sometimes a good emotion. I’m trying to embrace this crazy ride right now. Between school, wedding planning and sorting out things with a new house to live in, things are a little nuts. But this is one of the best times of your life right? At least that’s how I see it. Everything is new and fresh and still sparkly. I can’t tarnish that; I have to take mental pictures to be able to remember as much of this as I possibly can. I don’t want it to pass me in a blur.

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Which brings me to my final point about change….I’ll never be able to fully comprehend what makes a person go through ups and downs emotionally. I never understand what makes this happen to me. I don’t get how sometimes I can just magically feel fine and then 12 hours later feel completely awful and I want to lie on my floor and give up. How does that work? I don’t know where it comes from or how to be rid of it. It’s been like this for a couple of weeks now; I don’t think I cope with it well. I don’t cope with stress, or uncertainty, or myself changing very well. I don’t know how to handle myself looking differently. I can’t wrap my mind around someone looking at me differently, scrutinizing my body in weird ways. Actually, maybe that second part is just me. Maybe this is all pre-wedding dress fitting jitters, but I’m just trying to keep all my thoughts collected and in one place. Change is a long and constant road. There’s no escaping.

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Blazing Hearts

You were the girl with the blazing heart on fire….

I was watching Nashville last night and Lennon and Maisy sang this amazing song. At first listen, I didn’t really catch what it was saying to me, but this morning when I looked it up, I pretty much heard exactly what it meant.

Free as a dress in the breeze hanging on a laundry line, in the sunshine….

Even if it’s just for 2 measly seconds, we all know what it’s like to feel free. I know that feeling, it’s pretty amazing. Sometimes throughout the day I will just randomly feel this way. All of a sudden I can feel empowered and like I’m ready to conquer anything, which is something rare these days. Usually I feel so bogged down from all of this school work (which is literally taking over my life!!!!) but sometimes in the middle of it all, I can feel some freedom. Sometimes, I can feel like I’m in control. This song talks about how everyone goes through this, everyone gets a little down on themselves.

Who threw the punch that you couldn’t handle, what came along and blew out your candle?

Well….I think we all know who. But how does that happen? I still have yet to understand how I have managed to develop this disease over my life. I don’t mean to play the “poor me” card. I’m just saying, how did I get picked so to speak? That’s the old way of my thinking, they why. Now I should be thinking, how do I change that? How do I get myself to overcome this? I’m stronger than he is…I am.

Maybe it’s just yourself that you’re fighting, keeping the shine in your star from rising…

Technically it is just myself that I’m fighting…but it really is more than that. I don’t mean to keep myself down, but am I unintentionally doing this? I think that lately I just feel really down, almost depressed. I feel like nothing is going right these days, like I can’t get anything to go my way. This has been one of the hardest semesters of my life, just with all the complications and basically just transitioning into becoming an almost full functioning adult. I’m just tired of fighting the same battles all the time and tired of having the same conversations over and over and overrrrrrr.

….Gotta light it back up, gotta get back up.

But just like these young girls clearly say, you’ve just got to get back up, have to pick yourself back up off the ground and keep going. Keep fighting. Eventually something has to go in my favor, right? It’ll get better….I think. (:

Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can.

You were the girl with the blazing heart on fire ❤

Two Roads Diverged

What do you say to someone who lives a constant battle? Best wishes? You’re doing great?  I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. As school piles on (thanks a lot 18 hours) I find myself not having as much time to workout, and that……is a big problem in my world. I can’t remember the last time I worked out consecutively for a week. That’s really difficult. I don’t know how to handle it. I can’t remember the last time I ate fast food either. (Not that it seems to be making that much of a difference).  I can’t remember the last time I ate a meal that wasn’t a Quest bar or a Special K bar. (Not that it seems to have a big impact). I find myself wondering if I can remember a time in my life where I felt it was okay to eat. A time where I wasn’t plagued with anxiety about what my next meal was, my snack, or if someone was going to ask me to eat with them and I’d have to refuse because I can’t handle it. I find myself trying to recall a time lately where I didn’t feel completely guilt ridden for feeling hungry or for actually eating a lunch that wasn’t a bar (Even a sandwich is difficult apparently). I can’t remember the last time where I feel like I might even be sort of pretty that day. I have a million thoughts that I can write on paper, but for the life of me, I can’t remember half of them as I start writing.

I’ve heard a lot of songs lately that remind me of myself or something that could represent me. But one of my favorite was “Fly” by Maddie and Tae.

“So keep on climbing, though the ground might shake…”

To me, this song is about fighting for what you want even though you may not get it, and it’s the most absolutely terrifying thing.

Maddie & Tae fly lyrics.

The issue for me is…..I don’t wanna keep doing this. I don’t wanna keep feeling like this. I literally do not want to keep fighting. I’m so tired. Why am I going to keep doing this if:

A. What I’m doing, the “eating good” the “working out” isn’t making a noticeable difference

OR

B. Changing what I’m doing doesn’t make me feel any better.

Two Roads Diverged in a Wood - great quote for the littles to hear growing up. Be different, don't walk with the world!

Two roads diverged, literally. Which path are you supposed to take when neither seem to be working. Which path brings you happiness or at least the least amount of pain? What am I supposed to do now? Curl up on the floor? That really sounds like a great plan right now.

No Kick From The Trigger

Bang, bang, rollin’ off your tongue. 

When the enemy attacks you in moments of weakness the LORD will rescue you. He will bring you into a safe place and He will deliver you because He takes delight in you who love and obey Him.  Amen

Inferior. It’s not a nice word or a pretty word or a pleasant feeling. But we’ve all felt it at some time. Lately, I think I’ve been feeling that for numerous reasons:

  • school because I don’t “have time” to read 25-50+ pages PLUS go to class
  • because I’m not working and going to college at the same time
  • because I’m not as pretty/insert thing here as someone else
  • because I’m considering getting married before my fiance and I have been engaged for an entire year
  • and sometimes, because I’m kind of afraid of the future

I’m sick and tired of that.

Words are literally like bullets shooting out of a gun. Once you pull that trigger, even the slightest bit, you set off a huge chain of events. That “bullet” leaves the barrel and immediately starts charging down its course to rip into a person. It slices the air into thin slivers and almost as easily as it left the gun, penetrates it’s victim. Straight to the heart or the head is the most lethal. The “bullet” is just as painful as words can be. I promise you. Once the bullet leaves the chamber, it is completely out in the open, out of your hands and there’s no way to take it back. No rewind button whatsoever. You can’t pull it back in and make it disappear. Just like words leave a mouth, bullets charge away.

I wish words were like little toy guns. 

Carrie Underwood - Little toy Guns love it!!

Wish they didn’t break you inside.

But that’s the strangest thing about words. They do hurt. They do cause pain. Maybe the worst type of pain. So, what are you doing with your words? Do you use them as weapons to cut and slay and manipulate others, or do you use them in the best way you can? Are you trying to remember that anything you say can actually hurt someone? I think that we have to remember that words and both magical and harmful. Let’s use those to be positive : )

I don’t wanna feel inferior about not working or wanting to get married before a year has passed. The negative feelings about beauty will take time, but I can change the others now. I’m not working because I take 18 hours….that’s hard for me. Going to school is hard for me…handling this ed, that’s hard for me…and both together are difficult. But I’m going to do it….I’m going to make it.

true!

Clear Eyes…Full Hearts

The first week of new semesters ALWAYS brings it’s own hidden anxieties. I’m just like everyone else to falls victim to the pressure/excitement/unknown variables that a new semester brings. Of course, for me, that just adds onto the already huge dark hovering pressure of Ed and all his “glory”. I have to make and devote time to ensure my mental sanity remains at a good level. So, that’s been my struggle this week. It’s been trying to juggle a new already stressful semester and trying to focus on not what new burdens the semester brings, but here in the moment about that I actually CAN control.

Next, I found something really interesting on Pinterest the other night. Go Pinterest, Go!!! I found this pin that led to this website about a Body Image Bible Study.

http://vevahealth.com/2013/06/17/body-image-bible-study-2/

Tween Girl Art, Owl art, Nerd Owl. Home Decor, Inspirational Art, art print on wood by Jennifer McCully

I looked at it this afternoon and at first, I wasn’t all that impressed. At first, I just thought it was the same old type of study where you read the verse “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” or “You knit me in my mother’s womb.” Yeah, those verses are wonderful and all, but personally, I think those two in particular ARE OVERUSED!! Those verses were included in this, however, it also instructed you to read Psalm 139 in it’s entirety. I ran across a few points that quite honestly made me a bit teary eyed.

139:1-3:: “You searched me…you know when I sit and rise…You perceive my THOUGHTS…” WHAT?! I mean, I knew all of this, but ponder that for just a second. There isn’t a thing I do or a feeling I have that God isn’t aware that I’m experiencing. To me, this is an absolutely amazing/comforting feeling.

139:11-12:: “the darkness will hide me.” I can’t say that I haven’t thought about it. I’ve thought about ‘hiding’ from God. I thought that because of all these negative and self hating thoughts I have, I thought that God wouldn’t want me. BUT the Bible says, “even the darkness will not be dark to you.”

139:23:: “search me and know my heart….know my ANXIOUS thoughts.” This is one of the last verses and it just jumped out at me because it says the word anxious. I think my body literally runs on anxiety. It’s crazy the amount I have. There’s times at night where I can’t fall asleep for hours because I suddenly and overwhelmed with intense anxiety about everything in my life. But this clearly states that God knows them and that gives hope that you can let go.

Designed

Yup me..// right on .. Power baby be you only you... thanks Pinterest new one to me..Smart ass me, lol anna

https://www.yahoo.com/health/why-6-pack-victorias-secret-model-abs-actually-104909864872.html

Inspirational Quotes To Get You Through The Week (February 4, 2014)

I’m not going to say anything about this really. It’s kind of a lengthy article, but it makes a very good point. Let me just point out that your body looks exactly how God designed it to look and hating or harming yourself isn’t going to help you feel any better. Let the models be models, for their were designed to…and you, you just be you.

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AnnQuote_0911_BeBraveSeries2b[1]

Be Your Own Angel

Time for my annual rant. If you don’t wanna hear it and you’re going to say “they work hard for their bodies and train as hard as anyone else.” Stop reading now. Go!

First thoughts when you first hear about the annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show:

“Oh, great I like to watch that every year.”

“Then again, I just love to torture myself.”

“Skinny and pretty models parading around in underwear. Lovely.”

“Oh, but I love T-Swift. Ed Sheeran too!”

“I guess I’ll watch. Stupid models. Making girls self esteem go down every year around this time.”

So, I admit it, I pretty much watch this every year. I guess you could say it’s “torture”. I don’t know if I feel quite that way about it though. I’ve read and researched a lot of information about this fashion show and how the models workout and how they diet and how they prepare for this upcoming show. I don’t even want to explain that. It’s a lot of words that you could probably guess at or make your own assumptions about how those “angels” live. I’m not saying they don’t eat pizza, because I don’t know how those women live. I’m also not saying that they don’t work hard to maintain those “perfect bodies”. What I am saying though, is that does this industry have to only showcase this singular type of woman?

There are plenty of different sized women in the world. Plenty. And not one single type of woman appeals to all men. I’m not saying that we have to necessarily only showcase bigger than size 10 women, size 0 or size 6. I’m just saying that there could be variety added to the show! Seriously. Let’s spice up this thing or change it up so that it’s not horrifically predictable.

Thoughts during the VS Show:

“Well I feel fat.”

“She’s not even pretty.”

“I hope she falls.”

“Is she married?”

“Tomorrow I start running. I’m never going to look like that.”

I think that it’s important to show that all different body types are beautiful. I think it’s vital to show little girls, teen girls, young women, college girls, and even older women that their bodies are beautiful just the way they are. I know that I for one have trouble accepting these compliments or truths, I struggled with it all today. I just believe that it’s important to show young girls and daughters and mothers that just because they aren’t a size 0-2 doesn’t mean they aren’t beautiful. It means that they are beautiful to their friends, boyfriends, fiances, and husbands just the way they are.

Yeah, the VS Show gets a lot of heat each and every year. Sure, the whole company catches flack for these models. I’m sure they don’t blink an eye at it anymore. But let me just say…..seeing your ribs isn’t normal nor do I feel that it should be praised. Final point, yes, they are pretty and work hard, but I don’t like the message they are conveying (whether it be intentional or not).

VS and Society’s view of beauty literally is “a nightmare dressed like a daydream”. Believe me, I live that nightmare. It seems like a sparkly dream, but it’s not, it’s really not. The vision at the end is not worth the journey to get there…….(insert experience here).

Thanksgiving Owl…I Mean Turkey!

Soooooo…..Thanksgiving….my old enemy, we meet again. Here we are again, it’s this time of year. I completely dread this time of year, but I know that so so many people love it! And that’s fantastic! Don’t get me wrong, I love  it too. I absolutely LOVE Christmas and the feeling of fall and Thanksgiving. It’s an amazing feeling that you can only get from certain times. It’s the only time I ever get this unique feeling and I simply cherish it.

That being said, I hate one teeny, tiny aspect of it. (I’m sure most people love it. People are literally walking around asking if you are going to eat too much. Like….what????!?) I Hate The Eating Part. HATE IT. I find it absurd and I hate that their is an entire holiday focused on eating. Whatever happened to being thankful, truly thankful. It’s a time to be thankful for EVERYTHING that you have (food included, I guess). Everything from your family, job, food, home, friends, dogs, freedom, willingness of a person to go to an unknown country and protect a person they don’t even know, anything you can think of. I think that’s the beautiful part of Thanksgiving. That’s what I remember. That’s what I hold in my heart that day. That’s what I hope everyone else thinks of. I block out the food and the questions about college and overall irritating questions from eager but loving relatives. That’s what the day is about. 

Thanksgiving Owls http://www.misskatecuttables.com/products/thanksgiving/freebie-of-the-day-thanksgiving-owls.php

Second of all, my ED makes holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving harder than they really should be, and probably way more difficult than they are for someone who doesn’t suffer from this burden. Because literally anytime I start to think that ED is gone, or less, or…a word I can’t describe. He comes creeping back in. He makes me day horrible. He makes me irritated beyond belief.  He opens up old wounds, peels off the old band-aid and allows the blood to come oozing out. He doesn’t care that it hurts. He doesn’t care that he causes pain. He DOES NOT care that this is a holiday to be happy and thankful and of celebration. Those feeling simply aren’t in his repertoire. Ed stabs you in the back, the front, the side basically anyplace he can jab his words.

“Salt in the wound like you’re laughing right at me.”

Bad blood taylor swift lyrics

But, this year, I’m trying something new. I’m trying to focus on all that I have to be THANKFUL for. Because there is honestly so so so very much that I have to be thankful for that quite frankly outranks and surpasses Ed. Why do I choose to burden myself with something that only causes me great pain? Well, I can’t always help that, but I can help the fact that I can channel all of my energy this holiday season into cherishing precious and few moments, and when I become overwhelmed with food and body image issues (WHICH I WILL. NO DOUBT.) I can take a breath, and remember that the people I’m choosing to celebrating with love me, and I don’t have to constantly live in anguish over what I currently look like in my clothes.

Thanking Jesus for who He is and all He does really helps my heart when Im overwhelmed.

10 Maya Angelou Quotes That'll Make You Love Life and Get Sh*t Done | Women's Health Magazine

Band-aids Don’t Fix Bullet Holes

This quote can apply to all of us. It is so true though!

There’s all kinds of rapid heart beats. The sweaty palms, Christmas morning, falling in love and crossing the finish line of your latest achievement. The two types that I think are most prominent though, is the rapid heart beat of excitement and the rapid heart beat of your absolute worst fear.

Sitting at a table with two people to my left and one to my right, it seemed like an ordinary class day. I’m an education major so I take all sorts of classes. In this class, we are currently discussing nutrition, a subject already touchy for me. I figured it was going to be fine, I mean, it’s about kids. How back could this be? Bad. Very bad. Things are about to take a turn for the worst.

Now, back to these three people I’m sitting with. I know them, we’re friends, but they know nothing about e.d. Nobody really does, nor should they. As the professor starts class, all of us are about to be asked to do something nobody in the class wants to do. As the professor goes on ranting about obesity I’m already cringing and sliding down in my seat. She’s lost my interest and my heart is already beating abnormally. Then, I hear a dreaded sentence that evokes fear in me. I can feel my heart beat speeding up, my hands shake and I’m almost certain my face is pale. Let’s hope nobody notices. “Go to the BMI website on your ipad and go ahead and calculate your BMI.”

Wait. Stop. Pause. Slow Down.

Who in their right mind would do this? Who’s ever okay with this?! I watch as the whole room clicks open the screen and does what they were asked, as I sit still, angry beyond belief and trying to distract myself. I hear the girl cry out at the table behind me, upset about her own BMI being too high. Exactly why this assignment was absurd. Thank goodness it wasn’t for a grade and she didn’t notice I didn’t participate.

I felt completely blindsided by this. I suddenly felt like everyone was analyzing me, my professor mostly. I wanted to punch her. I know, that’s a little extreme, maybe just throw my pen at her. Definitely give her a gigantic piece of my mind and a little insight into how that assignment made me feel.

Bullet hole in the chest. Gasping for air. Faded eyes and pale face. 

I did not appreciate that.

But I’m Just Gonna Shake It

I’ve been doing alot of thinking these past 2 weeks. I’ve spent alot of time doing well….nothing. I’ve had a break from my summer semesters of college just before I had to go back and do it all over again for the fall semester. I’ve had a little time to relax. Anywhoooo.

Since the new fall semester starts tomorrow, I decided I would make myself sit down and write this. I’ve been thinking alot about my ed. I think that I’ve made quite a bit of progress over the summer. That’s not to say that I continuously have bad days, because I do and I will still continue to. But it’s gotten alot better. These panic attacks of sorts seem to come less frequently and I’ve much better at being able to tell myself that people have bad days and that I can try again and “look” better tomorrow. It’s like I was telling my boyfriend the other night, I’m proud of myself. I’m just now starting to feel okay about myself. I’m not gonna say that I feel good about myself yet, but I’ll get there.

I’m taking a page out of the Taylor Swift book once again. I’ve got her new song currently on repeat (just go ahead and picture me jumping and dancing awkwardly around in my room and singing as loudly as I can in my car). But, this semester, I have two goals:

1. Try and learn to “Shake It Off”. Thanks T-Swizzle 😉

2. Try and get a 4.0 with my 18 hours of classes that I’m taking.