I feel this way all the time. I feel like I’m not supposed to be or feel hungry. Like I’m supposed to be able to control that and suppress that feeling on my own. It’s okay to feel hungry and BE hungry.
Things I Did This Week:
Helped a turtle across the highway. I turned my car all the way around to go aid this slow little fellow.
Found some interesting things in my classroom. Old Disney records anyone? I also did a whole bunch of laminating….ugh and yay at the same time.
Finally! I took my name plate and my mug my husband got me up to my classroom and set them on my desk 🙂 Not that I am done setting up in there quite yet.
Recovery is hard y’all. Getting to a “healthy” weight is hard. Hearing that “you look ‘healthy’ now” are very difficult words to swallow.
Today has been a pretty good/relaxing day. Happy 4th of July 🙂 I spent my day going for a run, doing some cleaning up, doing some odd cleaning jobs and working on my Christmas cross stitch (welcome to Christmas in July haha). I just finished making dinner (hamburgers/cheeseburgers I was trying to make the All-American meal) and I was sitting here drinking my Coke Zero and patriotic York patties and decided I would write I guess.
I’ve been having a rough time lately. I don’t think anybody has really noticed but I haven’t exactly been trying to broadcast it either. I do find myself being able to eat dinner more often, however as long as I think it’s “good”, “safe”, “low calorie/low fat”. Nevertheless, I eat dinner more consistently. Lately though, I find myself with these thoughts of ‘I need to eat less tomorrow’, ‘maybe I should try skipping breakfast’ (HA. That one is super funny for me), ‘we need to work out harder’ (uh…I don’t know how I could go any harder. Crazy Ed!), or thoughts from that realm. They aren’t positive thoughts and they don’t bring goodness or happiness. They bring sorrow, fatigue, ache, rejection of myself, self-disappointment and fear. I don’t need this kind of negativity in my life!
Honestly, my life is going pretty darn well right now. I just got the keys to my very first classroom last week and I get to clean it out and decorate it and really make it my school home. That’s so exciting for me. I need exciting and happy things in my life; I don’t need to be bogged down by what the heck I’m eating for lunch and worrying about if it’s going to make my students, co-workers, family, friends or husband like me less!! I’d love to be able to blame the restriction mentality on the fact that I just got my room and I feel like I have literally no idea what I’m doing. Seriously. I went to 3 ½ years of school for this degree and I feel so unprepared…hahaha. I’m sure lots of people feel this way though. I’ve been reassured that everyone feels the nerves, anxiety and fear when they start a new job. I read this article today (it was slightly on the dirty-ish side but not really). Anyways, it was about body image in the bedroom. It was a lengthy article but it was also helpful in more than one way. It was talking about ways to make you feel better about yourself and being proud of yourself. The author also talked about how your partner doesn’t solely love you for your body. Your family and friends don’t love you solely for your body. I didn’t get my first teaching job because I eat a bunch of yogurt, fruit and “healthy” foods. The author said to turn the situation around and think about if your spouse, friends or family looked a little differently would it have any effect on how much you love and care about them? NO! Heck no! Reading that article today did help me in its own strange way. Here’s the link if you actually want to read it Body Image In The Bedroom by Sarah Vance.
Right now, I’m trying so hard to not center my life around my freaking food and flipping workout schedule. Trying. So. Hard. There is really more to life than meal planning and doing the same workout routine right on schedule every day.
Basically, that’s what I’ve been thinking. Andddddd because I’m a dork and super-duper excited, here’s a picture of my classroom. Definitely the “before” shot!!!!!
Oh! Also my Grandma started painting this “P” for me a few weeks ago when I was down there and she mailed it to me this week. She’s super sweet and this turned out so cute! Looking forward to finding a place in my new room to hang it.
It was a weekend filled with family, love, super scary food adventures and most importantly celebrating love 🙂
This past weekend my husband and I traveled to Marathon, Texas for a family wedding. There isn’t a whole lot in this town, however the hotel we stayed at was phenomenal and the views were just spectacular! It really was a highly enjoyable weekend and great to get away for just a few hours.
We stayed at The Gage Hotel which was also the location of the wedding. It was a beautiful venue! I don’t know how the bride found it but it was lovely.
We stayed in this old colonial style house (I think it said it was colonial. I can’t really remember all that well. Who cares, it was gorgeous.) with some other family members as we enjoyed the weekend.
Most of my time was filled with visiting with family members, getting to know them better or just spending time with my husband. On Saturday morning Marty and I walked from our room down to this super adorable restaurant to enjoy breakfast. We were the only ones there because we are both such early risers.
I did manage to get a run in that morning as well. Marathon is really small so I basically ran the entire town as my route. The first part of the run I was basically playing photographer instead of running. The view of the “mountains” was just too neat! Very pretty. Also, windmills. Windmills everywhere! I actually find windmills a nice view by themselves.
Throughout the whole weekend I tried my very hardest to keep the screaming ED thoughts at bay. This is so difficult when they are usually so prominent. I wanted to enjoy the mini vacation and time with my husband and family. This is difficult though when I’m eating foods that are just SO foreign and sometimes you don’t even know that they are. I’m terrified of food that I don’t know the caloric content of and so I was face to face with one of my biggest fears every meal every day we were there. I was faced with people asking how my food was, asking if I had eaten and I felt like were watching me. I’m just different when it comes to food. I just want to eat it and not discuss it. Other people, normal people, that don’t have eating issues, are probably able to enjoy food more easily and discuss among themselves. It just keeps me like a cat on a hot tin roof! I tried to keep myself from being too on edge about it. I really did.
I did make one discovery at lunch Saturday though! I ate part of M’s sandwich and I learned that I think I like rye bread. I need to go to HEB asap so check this stuff out!
Saturday evening was wedding time!!! The location for the ceremony was in the backyard of the house we were staying at and it was just gorgeous. It was simple but the scenery really took your breath away. The weather in Texas was finally cooperating as well!
We ended the evening by having dinner at the reception and celebrating with the bride and groom.
This weekend I had to learn to let go of some of my control. I can’t ALWAYS pack my lunch. I can’t ALWAYS know about food beforehand. I can’t ALWAYS be expected to pick the lowest calorie/most healthy choice on the menu. There are just some things I literally cannot know prior to events. I can’t let that damper my experiences though! I can’t let food keep me from having fun or a good time. I can’t let myself walk around in one giant ball of worry and anxiety because I’m worried about how this piece of bread will work in my body and where I’m going to find it in the mirror lately. Sometimes, you have to try and live in the moment and actually live.
I had a really important job interview this past Monday morning. So, naturally, after my interview I OFCOURSEcarried on my tradition of an after interview Coke Zero and a selfie. I was really nervous, but it turned out that I think it’s going to end up being a new adventure 🙂
2. I can finallysing the Taylor Swift 22 song!!! Yay!! “Everything will be alright, if we just keep dancing like we’re 22!!!!” I’m pretty pumped.
3. Apparently, I no longer live in Texas. I live in Seattle or some sort of rain forest or permanent tropical storm. I know, I know, I’m a bad Texan for wishing away the rain, but it’s the middle of May, it’s yet to be actually sunny and it’s a whopping 58 degrees.
4. My little brother is now in NHS. He’s so cute, he wanted to take a picture with me yesterday 🙂 He’s getting too old!!!
5. Lastly, birthday stuff!!!! Part of Marty’s present was this mug. It cracks me up and is pretty true. He’s adorable.
My mom got me these super adorable Raggedy Ann salt and pepper shakers and a watch! I’ve learned through subbing that as a teacher, wearing a watch is super useful because you don’t always have a pocket to check your phone.
#5 I actually had another bridal appointment scheduled that day. However, at the 1st shop I found my dress, so I didn’t go onto the other shop and continue to drag out dress shopping for the sake of it.
Happy Mother’s Day to my Mommy who I have to say, is pretty amazing. We may or may not have this best friend relationship type going on. Be jealous. She’s been one of my-if not the biggest-supporter through all these years of eating disorder recovery and I could not be any more thankful 🙂 (Think Gilmore Girls) I can’t show you what I got her for MD but it’s pretty dang cute and I’m proud of the cuteness and symbolic part I got from it. Hopefully she’ll like it.
When I don’t have to go to work all day, I can be domestic. I’m kinda like Betty Crocker…if Betty wasn’t a baker. Whoever that would make me.
Baked potatoes (one regular and one sweet) and broccoli and chicken with cheese 🙂 Side note: sweet potatoes are one of THE best foods in my opinion. Plus, I actually ate dinner that was actual solid food that you have to chew. There’s a win in that department. My husband should be proud.
I have to brag on him for just a minute. Since he and I talked last week, every single day he has made sure to ask me what I ate for dinner if he didn’t see me consume it or make it. He’s been working at night this last week and this coming week because it’s hay baling time at the ranch. It’s been a big deal that he’s actually remembered that I should probably eat some solid foods and remembered to ask me. It’s sweet 🙂 It’s also very nice and comforting to know he cares about me that much and is trying to take care of me.
Finally, I’ve said this before and I’m saying it again. Weather (especially Texas weather) is ridiculous! I checked my TimeHop this morning and 2 years ago I tweeted something about this same time of year.
I thought it was my birth month and I thought it was supposed to start becoming warmer! Not all rainy and fall weather like. You’ve just got to appreciate the springtime.
If you live in or have ever been to Texas you know what this means. Or you could just read the cup..it’s clearly on there (lol).
What a scary, scary place for me to eat. But I really really needed to. Like really. I needed to eat something that might add value and a little nutrition to my body. So, I pretty much up and did it. Milestone. I seriously can’t stress enough how big of a deal it is for me to have eaten at Whataburger and not order a salad.
I ordered the Whataburger Jr. The kid burger, I’m well aware. I also ate apples. Baby steps y’all. I don’t think I could’ve handled much more than that. (Of course, they gave me a burger with cheese on it at first. I’m not ready for that either.)
Sorry, but we have to talk about this kangaroo bag they gave me my food in!!!!! How freakin’ cute is that?! How could you not be just a little bit excited?
This is me trying new things and trying not to blow a gasket. This is me, documenting the fact that I ate a hamburger. I can’t remember the last time I did that. That was brave. That was fearless.
All day I was apprehensive and trying to decide if I was going to really do this. I did it. Let me just say, that hamburger was pretty dang delicious.
Sometimes that burger can be referred to as a ‘Justaburger’ at that restaurant. For me, this wasn’t ‘Justaburger’ this was me telling myself that I’m trying to learn to accept myself. This was me saying that my body deserves to be nourished. Ideserve to eat. Ideserve for my food to taste good. Ideserve to enjoy it without feeling guilty.
I don’t have a whole lot of words on this. I feel like I can’t really say more than I have. I mean, I ate a hamburger and I didn’t gain 7 pounds over night and I’m still here and all the people that love me are still loving me. It’s apparently…..okay.
So, when I came home last night and my husband asked me what I did today-besides get his mother’s Mother’s Day gift- I said….”literally all I did today was shop and eat a hamburger.” That was what I did. As insignificant as that sounds I did a tonyesterday.
All last week pretty much was rainy. This week, it’s finally starting to feel like April/beginning of May!! April showers brings May flowers? These warm days now have got me reflecting on life so often. I catch myself staring at God’s beautiful scenery, the greenery He has growing in the fields and the trees that have leaves coming back and the beautiful sunsets He paints. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. So of course, I have to take pictures in it.
2. Ebay is one of THE coolest places, y’all. I hope whoever invented that site is a billionaire at this point. Genius. I can get cool stuff (that others might find dorky) likeeee…. Peanuts miniature keepsake ornaments from Hallmark!
3. I have this thing lately where I like to save all of the inspirational quotes/body positive things I come across on Facebook. Today I have 3 to share. Leslie Knope gets me every time. Also, the dog food comparison is gold!
I think all of these came from HerCampus.com
4. Am I the only one who is basically obsessed with decorating for the holidays even when they are nowhere near??? It’s probably just me. I’m odd like that. It’s just so fun! Maybe it stems from this is my first year to be married??? I don’t know. Actually, right now I’m obsessed with finding a wreath for our front door.
5. Do yourself a favor and look up Sheldon the Tiny Dinosaur on Pinterest or on Sheldon the Tiny Dinosaur. This is thecutest thing I’ve seen in a while! I came across him by accident on Pinterest yesterday. He’s a dinosaur that thinks he is a turtle. You can’t not smile when you see these! They have given me life….yeah, I’m such a dork.
6. Lastly, I’ve never in my life been a watch wearing person. However, now that I’m older, I find myself in search of a wrist watch. Sure, my phone is great, but I wear dresses often and they don’t always have pockets to put my phone. Plus, it isn’t always appropriate to be whipping your phone out, especially in a classroom or meeting. I’m on a quest for a watch with a strap. NOT one of the bracelet ones….they pinch me. Ouch!