**I feel like I’ve used this before….but when I searched it, I didn’t find anything, so I’m using the song now!**
Ghosts Mayday Parade: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4D4zpATVXQQ
Demons Mayday Parade: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKGA0hNnl9o
Seriously, I’ve asked Ed to leave just about a millionnnnn times. Does he? Nope! It’s been a very very very very long time since I’ve listened to Mayday Parade. But the other day while I was driving the radio was just awful and so I looked over and found one of their CDs. I just put it in, started listening and remembered how I used to run up and down the Concho River to this song and how I used to think about how much it reminded me of my Ed!
“Now this is getting old”
It really is getting old, and of course, metaphorically, the “ghost” is none other than the evil Ed himself. He just doesn’t leave me alone! He haunts my dreams, nightmares, and pretty much every day thoughts. There is no sacred time, thing or memory that he won’t just creep up on or into.
“Now this ghost in my bedroom it gives me advice…when you reach that golden cloud, I’ll be there with you.”
Funny thing is, there will never be a golden cloud. There will never be an end point or a perfect body! NEVER. It’s not an attainable thing. Once I reach the point I thought was where I wanted to be, suddenly there is a new goal to pursue, a new weight, or something! You suddenly realize that your “good enough” isn’t “good enough” for someone else (Even Robots Need Blankets). There is no finish line and definitely no pleasing Ed.
“I made a brand of my own poison that I gave to you, it was the first of my experiments I’m going to put you through, now it’ll only make you dizzy, sick, and paralyzed.”
That’s seriously the way I hear Ed in my head. He made this poison for me and I apparently willingly consumed it. It’s like I’m a living science experiment that’s never going to end. Often times, it does make me feel sick and not literally paralyzed, but paralyzed in a sense that I couldn’t move or stop doing what I’m currently doing even if I actually really wanted to. He’s a monster in my closet that no amount of nightlights or parents checking under the bed will fix! I’m not even surprised he’s in the closet anymore. (Although, I do wish he looked a little more like Sully from Monster’s INC.)
I’m gonna try to live without my demons….and even if I can’t I’m gonna stay true and act the part (Better known as fake it til you make it.)
I’m working on it though. I think I am anyways. I’m working on cleansing my closet of all the awful monsters that live there. I’m working on cleansing my head, my thoughts and my life from all the poison Ed has pumped into over the course of my entire life. It’s a process and it’s going to take more than the 2 years that I’ve been trying. Every day is a new day, a new chance and an opportunity for a little more happiness to creep into my life 🙂 Sometimes, when I feel like I’m at the end of rope…..I just picture someone holding onto me. I picture the people that mean the most to me and that’s how I know I have to keep going. That’s how I know that all of the fear I’ve been feeling lately, because I’m absolutely terrified lately, that’s how I know it’s going to be okay no matter what. The fact that I know there are people that deeply care about me makes me believe that it’s okay to try to get better.