Tag Archives: depression

11/7/15: A Fearless Day

Sometimes there are just some things in life that you can’t handle all by yourself. I think that I finally reached that point…..So on Saturday, I did something pretty freakin’ terrifying. I went to meet with someone about eating disorder recovery coaching.

AND guess what? The world didn’t catch on fire, I didn’t die from complete terror, the person I met with was the absolute nicest and it helped me start a very rocky, long, difficult journey down a new path without an e.d. (I even got a pet rock out of it. Okay, it’s not really a pet. It’s one of those chakra rocks.) Doing that was probably more terrifying for me than intentionally going and buying a ticket to a horror movie at the movie theater or watching creepy things on Halloween night. But I did it and I lived to tell the tale.

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While I met with this coach, we talked about a lot of things, my goals, how I wanted my recovery to be, why I felt like I was ready for recover, (did I already mention my goals?!) what the eating disorder made me feel and some of the underlying reasons we have eating disorders. For example, often times, we use eating disorders as a way to suppress feelings, keep away unwanted emotions and numb ourselves. I see myself feeling numb all the time, I just didn’t know that’s what I was doing. I thought I was walking around “sad”. NO! I was really just numbing my emotions. I didn’t even realize that’s one of reasons I may have developed this. At the end of the discussion, we decided that maybe I should try and eating like “a normal person” as I call it. We decided that I should try eating 3 meals and 3 snacks. This is going to be literally hell. There’s no other words. This is hard for me. SUPER hard.

I'm commemorating this day. This was 1 hour after my session was over.
I’m commemorating this day. This was 1 hour after my session was over.

20151107_132507      20151107_132509

I started on Sunday, so I’ve been doing this for 2 days. This kinda sucks. But as much as it sucks, it feels oddly….good. So here I am….trying to start this new journey.

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These help me to know I’m doing the right thing, even if it doesn’t always feel completely comfortable. (These are from my coach.)

Rhythm of YOUR Heartbeat

I’ve never had to love someone who hated themselves. I’ve never had to watch someone dislike themselves to much that they curl up into a ball on the bathroom floor and cry until their eyes are slightly sore. I’ve never had to experience someone telling me they are angry at themselves for eating actual food for dinner. I’ve never had to hold someone as they cried and felt like they were insane because they didn’t like what the mirror reflected. Finally, I’ve never had someone tell me that sometimes they felt like they wanted to die instead of keep on hating themselves.

anorexia:

Personally, I’ve never been exposed to the receiving end of all those emotions that are probably more difficult to hear than I know. However, I have felt every single one of those emotions, last night to be exact.

I’ve found that at  night for the past couple of weeks, I’ve grown infuriated with myself. I get so angry because I made dinner for my husband and I and then I eat it. I get so angry that I ate a meal that wasn’t yogurt. I feel like I can feel my body changing….getting bigger with each passing moment. My brain is screaming, Ed is screaming, I literally feel like screaming and my fingernails dig into my skin. There’s nothing I can compare this feeling to. Then, mixed in with all the anger, I feel….sad. Sad because I literally can’t handle it all or make myself do it. I’m angry, I’m sad and I’m hurt.

With you, I'm comfortable.  I know I can talk to you about anything, or sit by your side in complete silence.  You see me at my worst, but only talk about my best.  I can be happy about my biggest achievements, while you know my deepest insecurities.  I'm comfortable with you, and you should know that means everything to me.:

As I’m sitting there on my bathroom floor, pretty positive that my legs don’t work anymore because I can’t get up and I haven’t moved in probably 20 minutes, something I’m highly unaccustomed to happens. My husband some in. He says nothing. He doesn’t ask what’s wrong and he doesn’t ask what I’m doing. He quickly shuffles around to the other side of me and I can feel his arms encircle me. He is literally sitting on the bathroom floor with me while my head is buried in my knees. I didn’t say anything for a while or even look up because I’m pretty ashamed of my puffy red face and snot nose. It’s just shaky breath sounds for a while. Finally though, when I do speak it’s just telling him I hate food and I don’t see how I can do this. All he does is reassure me that it’s all going to be okay and somehow, in that moment, it helps.

The Best Quotes About Love and Marriage:

Whoever said that marriage isn’t worth it or doesn’t work was mistaken. I didn’t realize what it would be like to have someone to always come home to and to always be there for you (or sit on the bathroom floor with you 😉 ) It’s pretty freakin’ cool/amazing/fantastic/a feeling indescribable. I didn’t realize until my drive to work this morning that the part in our vows that goes “in sickness and in health” was something we would experience right off the bat. Not that I forgot I had an eating disorder, I just forgot that qualified as a “sickness”.

That was my Wednesday and this is my Thursday, feeling sad and unsure. Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it yet.

Anne of Green Gables “Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?” ― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables:

You Gotta Live It While You Got It

Y’ALL. Just an FYI I have a few things in the works that I can’t really write down yet because I am uncertain of how they are going to pan out, but hopefully soon I will have some good news to share with you soon.

Lately, I’ve been feeling and thinking that maybe I’m just not “sick enough” for someone to want to help me with this eating disorder. I’ve felt like “well, maybe I’m not actually that sick” or “maybe I’ve just made this all up in my head” “maybe I don’t physically appear sick?” or finally, “maybe I don’t actually have an eating disorder”. But is that true? Could I really have just dreamed it all up? I don’t think so. I think that all of those negative thoughts and feelings come from my Ed not wanting me to seek help and not wanting me to get better. My Ed (and me for the most part) think I need him. He thinks that I can’t do or handle life without him. While I share both of these thoughts and I can’t really actually imagine my life without him (because, quite frankly he has been a gigantic part of my life for so long now) deep down, I do know that life without Ed is probably possible. I don’t know that life yet, but it’s a really nice thought and life to consider.

Reminder:

I spent many of my lunch breaks last week looking up positive and encouraging eating disorder videos. Videos that were filled with positive notes and tips to maybe try and overcome an eating disorder. (Also, I watched a lot of Kid President videos. Sometimes, he just makes you feel good about yourself and sometimes you just need to hear encouraging words from a child.) I also found a site where I could download a recovery journal for absolutely free. Maybe that will help me and guide me through this whole process.

At this point, I don’t know where I’m doing. I feel like I am standing in the middle of a bridge and if I go left, I stay with Ed and go back to his comfort zone and ultimately choose death, but if I go right, I choose the bright side and choose life, love, happiness and all that freedom. Recovery embodies hope for life and encompasses a happy glow.

If you are suffering from an eating disorder or know someone who is, don't wait until you think "it's bad enough" to seek help; at any stage, all eating disorders are deadly; I can't stress this enough- it doesn't matter how long you have suffered, how old you are, how much you weigh, or any other excuse you could think of to minimize your situation...get help now- because "rock bottom" is death.:

I’m really scared though. If I get help, it means I have to eat like a normal person….scariest thing in the world. It means I can’t be afraid of food anymore, which is an anxiety all on it’s own. It means that my yogurt addiction has to lessen. It means…well it means a lot of things, but mostly good things. I know that it’s a long, long, painful process and journey, but sometimes, you just have to choose to go right. Life is too short to constantly be worrying an anxious, right?

It’s Just A Relapse

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBCSZbZTnSw

This classroom is an icebox. I am just so cold. Sometimes I can’t tell if that’s more attributed to me, or to the fact that my cooperating teacher keeps the room at a very cool 70 or 69 degrees. It’s quite miserable actually. Anyways, that’s beside the point of this entire post. (Just thought I’d share that I’m literally freezing all day and for me that’s torture seeing as I’m already notoriously cold.)

I’ve been married for almost a week now. It seems so odd that the kids and most people refer to me as Mrs. Powell now. Now that the wedding is over, it gives me more time to focus on school and maybe a little bit of recovery, well plus my actual marriage.

That Saturday, I had at lease 3 people ask me if I “ate food” or that “I needed to eat something” or some sort of phrasing like that. I can’t exactly remember. But that stung a little. Those words are hard to swallow; they are hurtful. I don’t even know how to respond to that or how I’m supposed to even feel about someone saying that. It’s not that I don’t want to be better y’all. It’s just that you don’t understand the fear that is stapled to that package.

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It’s the fear that if I actually do start to eat something else for dinner that’s not yogurt, that people, especially those who noticed at the wedding, will think that I was just a crazy bride who lost weight so that she would be able to fit into a wedding dress. That’s not the case! Did it make me a little more neurotic? It sure did? But does that mean that I legitimately don’t have a disorder? Unfortunately, no.

I don’t handle change very well AT ALL. And literally everything about my life has just changed. I changed where I live, I mean, I have a completely different route home now!! I changed my workout routine, a week ago I changed my grade level in student teaching. I now have to make dinner at night because I have a husband. It’s a really huge transition. I’m not going to be used to it all at once. I’m already just really terrible with change….so this may take me a while.

Don’t get me wrong…I am so extremely happy. I’m so happy to have married my husband. I think about that everyday. It’s so amazing. God blessed me by allowing me to marry him!  I’m so blessed by the fact that I don’t have to go home to an empty house or empty bed. I’m always going to have someone to hold my hand, always have someone to talk to and I’m always going to have someone who will try their hardest to love me with all they have. I’m so thankful and so blessed that God sent me a man that’s going to love me no matter what, takes care of me and loves despite my eating disorder. It’s a really ugly part of me, it’s not something to be romanticized. I sometimes I to force myself to keep E.D. at bay and take him from the forefront of my mind so that I can focus on my husband and being what he needs. That’s someone I want to be better for. I want to be better for him. I want to be okay…I want to be able to eat dinner with him and not be mentally freaking out and mentally crying.

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Recovery is hard y’all. Harder than I can explain. It’s draining, frustrating, infuriating, complex, and extremely painful. I personally feel like I fail at it constantly, which I’ve been told is part of the whole process. I’ve been told that you fall down countless times and sometimes you are crawling to the next step. I feel like I’m constantly falling and actually like I’ve never been able to get up from the ground. I can’t even begin to explain to you what it feels like to be in the process of recover…or even having an eating disorder at all. It’s not something words can describe. It’s a feeling that I personally believe that unless you have been dealt that card, you can’t begin to imagine what a person who has an eating disorder is in recovery is going through.

Finally, the last point I want to make is kinda about society and marriage in general. As I was driving to lunch today thinking about this post, I was thinking about how women are thought about when they get married. I’ve heard it countless times on TV or movies where the men are always joking that “when you marry a women, remember what she looked like when you married her because after that her figure is going to change”. That’s so unfair is unbelievable! It’s infuriating! How is it that a woman’s worth is reflected by the mirror or a scale? How did it become okay to poke fun at a person’s outer image like that? If you are marrying someone or are in love with someone, you are supposed to love them for who they are as a person, not solely because they are a pretty face or you are attracted to their body. I just think it’s shallow and downright mean.

Pretty sure that post was all over the place. Sorry about that (:

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Going to the Chapel….& We’re Almost Married

10.17.15. A day I’ve been waiting for, for almost a year now. It seems like ages since last Thanksgiving when we actually got engaged and now it’s FINALLY here!! I’m so excited I can hardly concentrate on anything else. I find myself consumed with thoughts of the wedding all day long while trying to concentrate on student teaching. It’s strange to think that in 2 days, I’ll be married. In about 48 hours…..I’ll be a Mrs. People can refer to me by a different last name. It’s an odd feeling, but also a warm and fuzzy one. I mean, I’m marrying my best friend; can I really ask for more?

10.17.15. A day that also caused me a gigantic anxiety attack during lunch break yesterday. I was asked to do something clearly last minute and clearly out of the blue on Thursday afternoon that clashed with previous plans. It wasn’t til 8 last night I knew it was an anxiety attack, but it was. I found myself struggling not to ball my eyes out crouched down in a corner in the classroom. That would’ve been some sight, having a bunch of 5th graders march in from lunch to find their student teacher (who they’ve known for merely 2 days at that point) crying in the corner. I managed to compose myself and realize that it wasn’t that Earth shattering. It just happened to not be in my plan. Everything could still happen, it was just going to be shifted 30-45 minutes or so. I also toyed with the idea yesterday during the attack of just going into the bathroom and throwing up. It wasn’t a pretty 20 minutes I’ll tell you. Did I do it? No. Did I want to? Hell yeah. But was that actually going to make me feel better? No, definitely not. Will ED be there Friday and Saturday? Probably. Can I shut him up? Probably not. But I can lower his volume for 12 hours? I can really try harder than I ever have. I’ve got to really try. I’ve got to block out ED’s voice. For 3 days, I’ve got to listen to him scream, stomp his feet and throw a tantrum because I don’t have the time to devote a whole hour to the elliptical and him!

Getting married is stressful and really is so much effort and work to plan/coordinate. (I do have to remember though, I’m the idiot who wanted to get married in October in the middle of student teaching.) It can also be a very beautiful though. This is a magic time. It’ll never happen again. I know everyone says “you won’t remember a thing from the wedding.” I plan to prove them wrong. Sure, I won’t remember what we ate, the flowers, probably majority of the reception or special moments though: my Daddy walking me down the aisle, our first kiss as husband and wife, the vows, our first look pictures, heck, maybe even our first dance. Those are the parts that matter. I want to soak it all in. Take the time and effort to remember. Because this is a magic time and day in life. 

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The 5 of Us vs. The Battle

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Sounds easy, right? Well, for me admitting I had a problem was simple. Actually referring to the problem by it’s correct name and wanting help for it, well that’s another story. A story that actually plays out for a number of years. Yesterday, September 11, 2015 was the day that a step was taken. The word was thought, typed and finally spoken. I was ready to admit it. So, here it goes……I, Kairos Brynn McCollum, have Anorexia. (I’ve now starred at this screen for 5 minutes without typing). That’s it y’all. That’s all I’ve got. It took me a while to be even able to think this word. Then….I had to admit to myself that that’s what was actually going on with me. Then, I had to type it out and send it to my Mom…and then Marty. Two of THE most important people in my life, I had to tell me. I had to say the word to them and make it real and not just some figment of my imagination.

Anorexia kills people y’all. It’s really scary. It’s a really terrifying moment when you realize something is eating you alive. Day by day, piece by piece it eats and chips away at you.

Perfectionism kills people y’all. I have this stupid, stupid need to have everything be perfect. But guess what, life isn’t perfect! I know that! But for some reason I still continue to strive for something that is literally impossible. What’s up with that?

Anxiety kills people y’all. My life is one giant anxiety ball. Every little thing can set it off. It’s been my whole life, not on purpose, but it has.  I’m so ritualistic that I can’t have one thing be off during the day. I eat the same foods I need to. I do the exact same thing everyday-wake up, get dressed, eat the same breakfast, go to school, WORKOUT, eat some safe food for dinner, then, if there is time for anything else do it, and finally sleep. Anxiety is scary.

I’ve been to therapy before, my first year at ASU, at that point, I had only admitted that I had an eating disorder. I had an “ED”. I didn’t have…..anorexia. It wasn’t really real until the other day. So, here I am, typing it out, boldly attaching myself to this hideous, ugly, downright vulgar word. Think about it, what an ugly word that is!!!

Recovery

So, you may be wondering, ‘How did I get to the point where I decided to admit this? What made me come to this sudden realization?’ Well, for student teaching, we have to record ourselves for 2 minutes teaching a lesson. As I watched myself teaching, I saw how truly thin I was…and how that wasn’t healthy. I knew I’d been doing some things differently lately but I didn’t realize they were actually making me thinner. I didn’t realize that I was thinner in the mirror than I was in my head. I think getting married has just escalated things, well the dress I mean. (Not that I think getting married is bad at all. I’m so so excited to marry the love of my life. I can’t wait for it to get here.) I think I’ve just been stressed. So, here I am, saying that I’m gonna have to get help. I’m gonna have to do some things differently. Am I ready to do that before I get married in 34ish days? I’m not sure. Am I going to be ready on October 18th? Yes. Am I ready to feel better? Yes! Am I ready to not hate myself? Definitely. I’ve been waiting my whole life to love myself.

So, how did I get here? How did this happen to me? Sometimes I wonder if I did something to make myself deserve this? Do I deserve to physically and mentally be in pain over eating a peanut butter sandwich or a hamburger? Or heck, even bread? I used to be mad at God, but now, I think I’m just a little upset sometimes with Him but I don’t think I’m angry anymore. I realize that I need to be able to turn to Him for prayer and comfort and that He DIDN’T do this to me.

"The Lord heals the brokenhearted, binds up their wounds, numbers all the stars, calls each of them by name.":

I used to think it was just me against the world. But after talking, I’ve realized it’s really not. It’s not Kairos v. Eating Disorder v. Anorexia v. the world. It’s Kairos (well, plus God) and Dad, Mom, Keegan and Marty against all those evil things.

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I’m really scared, totally terrified and completely petrified. I don’t like change. Even just saying the word right now literally means that nothing is the same. My entire mind and body changes. But for now, step 1 is saying the word. I did that. That’s pretty much all I can give right now. I’ll get to step 2, it’s just going to take a little bit. It took years to get to step 1, but it’s a positive step no matter how much time it took. I’ve never been more scared, but I know that there are at least 4 truly wonderful people who are more than willing to hold my hand through this.

The Cruelest Words Come From Our Own Mouths

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I read that quote and I just realize how incredibly harsh and critical I am on myself. What ever taught me to be so cruel? At times when I’m feeling down, I like to get on Pinterest and look up inspirational quotes or just ones that make me feel good. This afternoon, I’ve been doing that.
#edrecovery #recovery #eatingdisorder:

I know that I’ve been saying over and over again that I’m afraid lately, which is probably annoying. I don’t know a better way to describe it though. There’s not a better word. I’m just afraid to eat foods outside the comfort zone, afraid to eat more than “x” many times a day, and pretty much afraid to gain/lose weight. I’ve sat in bed at night wondering if I was going to die if I didn’t start bringing more of a variety into the comfort zone of eating. I’m just…scared y’all. I’ve got a bunch of anxiety lately and insecurity seems to take over sometimes. I struggle with perfection. I’m such A perfectionist that it’s literally killing me. With student teaching and getting married (6 weeks..AHHHH!!) I find myself wanting to be perfect in every aspect, which totally is impossible!! I find myself though, at a crossroads. I know that it’s okay to eat food. I really do know that, now do I necessarily live like that….no. I can’t bring myself to realize that not being able to see my ribs is a good thing. I can’t bring myself to say that losing weight is bad! There’s been times lately where I have and sadly, I’m proud of myself. (I know I shouldn’t be.) But I’m at this point where I’m proud of how hard I’ve been working at it, subconsciously that is. It’s like I’m proud of the control that I’ve been getting??? Not even sure. Sometimes I find myself not able to breathe or fighting back tears because I’m suddenly so upset about something that I did eat, that I wanted to eat,  I suddenly just feel sad, or in that moment I just feel scared.

THE WORST KIND OF SAD IS NOT BEING ABLE TO EXPLAIN WHY.:

I saw a quote though, that said that my eating disorder (ED), IS NOT my friend. I keep forgetting that my ED IS NOT my friend but an EVIL, UNHEALTHY, UNFORGIVING, HATEFUL, LOUDMOUTH, HORRID, ABUSIVE, UGLY, CRUEL, HARSH, and CRITICAL voice!!! He IS NOT nice, kind, caring, passionate, or loving at all! Which are all qualities of an upstanding friend. I’m perceiving ED as loving me and wanting what’s best for me, but HE DEFINITELY DOESN’T. He wants me to hate myself and strive to be something that I don’t need to be! I forget all of this when I don’t stop myself  and tell myself to really consider what I’m doing. I think I forget that I really don’t have to try so hard. I don’t have to kill myself everyday.

Refuse to give in. The greatest battle is not physical, it is mental. Give it all you've got! #totalbodytransformation #fitness #skinnyms

I know that what I’m doing isn’t good for me. I know that I somehow have to fix it. I really really do know that I need help. I think that I just have forgotten how to actually get help. I think that I haven’t been/felt this low point in such a long time…since I was at UTSA probably, or the very first couple of months at ASU. I just keep holding onto the bright thought that there will be an end of all of this and I am going to be better one day. Somebody just give me a hug….

Days like this I am just happy if I can sit upright, speed certainly doesn't matter!:

Stay True and Act the Part

**I feel like I’ve used this before….but when I searched it, I didn’t find anything, so I’m using the song now!**

Ghosts Mayday Parade: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4D4zpATVXQQ

Demons Mayday Parade: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKGA0hNnl9o

Ghosts  Mayday Parade: Ghosts  Mayday Parade

Seriously, I’ve asked Ed to leave just about a millionnnnn times. Does he? Nope! It’s been a very very very very long time since I’ve listened to Mayday Parade. But the other day while I was driving the radio was just awful and so I looked over and found one of their CDs. I just put it in, started listening and remembered how I used to run up and down the Concho River to this song and how I used to think about how much it reminded me of my Ed!

“Now this is getting old”

It really is getting old, and of course, metaphorically, the “ghost” is none other than the evil Ed himself. He just doesn’t leave me alone! He haunts my dreams, nightmares, and pretty much every day thoughts. There is no sacred time, thing or memory that he won’t just creep up on or into.

This describes my life today perfectly...I'm just done with life....:((: This describes my life today perfectly...I'm just done with life....:((

“Now this ghost in my bedroom it gives me advice…when you reach that golden cloud, I’ll be there with you.”

Funny thing is, there will never be a golden cloud. There will never be an end point or a perfect body! NEVER. It’s not an attainable thing. Once I reach  the point I thought was where I wanted to be, suddenly there is a new goal to pursue, a new weight, or something! You suddenly realize that your “good enough” isn’t “good enough” for someone else (Even Robots Need Blankets). There is no finish line and definitely no pleasing Ed.

“I made a brand of my own poison that I gave to you, it was the first of my experiments I’m going to put you through, now it’ll only make you dizzy, sick, and paralyzed.”

That’s seriously the way I hear Ed in my head. He made this poison for me and I apparently willingly consumed it. It’s like I’m a living science experiment that’s never going to end. Often times, it does make me feel sick and not literally paralyzed, but paralyzed in a sense that I couldn’t move or stop doing what I’m currently doing even if I actually really wanted to. He’s a monster in my closet that no amount of nightlights or parents checking under the bed will fix! I’m not even surprised he’s in the closet anymore. (Although, I do wish he looked a little more like Sully from Monster’s INC.)

I’m gonna try to live without my demons….and even if I can’t I’m gonna stay true and act the part (Better known as fake it til you make it.)

When life doesn't look like you think it should. Keep reading post at the House of Hendrix: When life doesn't look like you think it should. Keep reading post at the House of Hendrix

I’m working on it though. I think I am anyways. I’m working on cleansing my closet of all the awful monsters that live there. I’m working on cleansing my head, my thoughts and my life from all the poison Ed has pumped into over the course of my entire life. It’s a process and it’s going to take more than the 2 years that I’ve been trying. Every day is a new day, a new chance and an opportunity for a little more happiness to creep into my life 🙂 Sometimes, when I feel like I’m at the end of rope…..I just picture someone holding onto me. I picture the people that mean the most to me and that’s how I know I have to keep going. That’s how I know that all of the fear I’ve been feeling lately, because I’m absolutely terrified lately, that’s how I know it’s going to be okay no matter what. The fact that I know there are people that deeply care about me makes me believe that it’s okay to try to get better.

2 Years Ago….and Still on the Journey

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2 years ago today I went to my first counseling/therapy session. It was a really difficult decision to tell myself and actually admit that I needed help. I still need help. So much of it. I’m so scared and I didn’t even realize it. I didn’t realize it until today, actually. I’ve felt super sad all day and it’s because all this week I’ve been desperately trying to fit my “restricted list” foods into my student teacher diet/upcoming wedding dress diet. I’m trying so very hard to handle everything that I feel has come so quickly at me. I feel the pressure and the stress coming and when I begin to feel that, I restrict more and I workout more to just try and alleviate some of the anxiety I am beginning to feel. When I realized why I felt so incredibly down and sad today I hadn’t realized that it was a feeling I had suppressed for quite a while. It’s back…..with a vengeance.

You're going to get through this, okay

That’s a bunch of rambling, but for the most part, I think that this is a journey that I’m going to be on for the rest of my life. I struggle through both sides of the spectrum as well. I struggle with actually wanting help and wanting to get better and then wanting to punch anyone who wants to help me at all. It’s a strange tightrope I walk. It’s a journey to face your fears. It’s a journey to get up every day and tell yourself that you are going to love yourself today and not totally completely loathe your body. All of this combine is a journey and all of this…is well, fearless.

Can’t Go Far But You Can Always Dream

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What do you do when someone who means the world you you tells you they can’t help you unless you want to help yourself? Does that sound discouraging to anyone else besides me? I’m hoping it’s not just me. It kinda made me wanna go cry in the corner.

How do you lose motivation? It’s not very difficult when you don’t really have any at all. Have you ever felt like you might just be slightly depressed? I have for a little while today and after talking to my counselor today, I learned that it’s pretty much normal for me to feel depressed. How could I expect myself to actually be in the correct state of mind? Let’s take a look at everything I’m trying to juggle at once. I’ve got first and foremost, school. I take 15 hours and observe in the classroom, that’s a pretty busy schedule. I’m trying to get the best grades I possibly can, which means studying, giving 110% and going the extra mile. Then there’s babysitting two young, impressionable girls. There’s a real exciting adventure. Literally. Then let’s throw in trying to tackle Ed and all the anxiety, obstacles, and pressure that goes along with that. That may not sound like all that much, but it’s a lot to take on for a 19, almost 20 year old. Breath.

I feel sad often. There’s really no reason. If you take a step back and look at it, I’d say I have pretty good life- aside from the ED fiasco. Nevertheless, depression doesn’t depend on or take into account what kind of life you live, depression is a state of mind.

That hole is called Amarillo Texas.

Depression is a dark, dark place. It starts out slow, like you feel sad because your pet died. Then, it slowly creeps along, adding itself more and more into your daily life. Allowing itself to creep into your happiest moments, whisk away the smile and replace it with a more painted on and less genuine half-hearted one.  It moves itself into your dreams, into your happiest memories until suddenly, it’s somehow painted all your skies gray. You wake up, glance around and all your left with is dark walls, cold rooms that no amount of blankets can cure. When did all of this happen to you? When did you stop having a real laugh and  a fake smile? Suddenly all of this pressure is thrust upon you and you find yourself trying to justify your feelings to others, even yourself. Depression is starting at the blank white wall in your apartment room waiting for something to happen. Waiting to feel something new. It’s waking up every morning to the sound of your alarm clock, rolling over and thinking ‘Am I suppose to feel happy today?’ I think a lot of the time that I’m just making this up. However, this is a real fear for me. What if I feel like this forever? What if I’m destined to try and explain my blue feelings to others forever.

This is a journey that you don’t just fall into over night. It slowly eats away at you and one day, steals your soul. But there is a ray of hope. You don’t have to live in this darkness forever. The sun will eventually shine again, as long as you keep trying. Keeping your head up is only the beginning of the never ending battle. You need support. Support from others for those days where you just think that you can’t possibly take anymore and then you need support from yourself. The support from yourself is for those days where everyone thinks you’re getting better, but only you truly know that you’re only 5% of the way there. Not only are you the most important person in this journey, but you’re really the only person you can truly count on 100% of the time.

For my babies (who are really babies anymore)  :)