Tag Archives: donut

Finding Equilibrium

I hope that nobody ever said recovery was easy. It certainly isn’t. Not that I previous thought it was….but literally, this is a daily thing that I have to get up and decide. Some days I find myself mad at the world, at myself and at others. Some days I find myself to just be kind of sad and gloomy (which is more of today. Plus, the weather seems to be mimicking me). Every day I have to get up out of bed and decide that I want to recover. The want is a hard concept. Some days I just flat out don’t!!!! I think that my life sometimes is just living from meal to meal and trying to decide it’s outcome on me. I don’t want that for the rest of my life. That’s when I try my hardest to remember the want. There are sometimes where I don’t feel like I’m doing enough or that I’m enough. At that point, I think to myself that some days are just going to be harder than others. Not everything is perfect! And there are some days where if all I do is get up out of bed, that’s probably a victory in some way.

Boggle the Owl poses a wonderful question that I need to ask myself, and probably everyone could apply this to themselves at one point or another.

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Image Source: http://boggletheowl.tumblr.com/post/62711162750

 

I was doing a bunch of substituting last week and I would come home at the end of the day and need to go run or workout. As I would sit on the couch and try to find the will power to put on my socks and tennis shoes and thinking about how I needed to make dinner and run the vacuum for a minute, I kept asking myself, ‘How do actual working people come home every day and do this? They work all day and they are tired, then they’ve got to come home and eat/make dinner/clean something and all they really want to do is sit down for a second and watch TV. Who wants to go to the gym/workout at home/who has the time?!’ Just who the hell wants to do that?!

I’ve read it before that life is all about balance. So I guess, that’s how they do it: BALANCE. That’s a part I’m still struggling with. It’s hard to have or even fathom balance when it hasn’t existed in your life for such a long period  of time. Right now, the journey is about finding a new balance, a new equilibrium.

Speaking of balance…………here’s a look into my Sunday adventures. I went to church that morning and my mom was asking if I wanted a donut before church. Nope, no way, no how. NOT ready for that one. However, I did request 1 donut hole.

I was also trying really, really hard to make spring happen. It wasn’t going to happen. It was misty and just plain gross outside. I was just totally determined to wear this skirt, dang it!!!

In the afternoon I made my mom and one of my best friends watch Snoopy, Come Home with me-that’s 2 hours of my life I’ll never get back. My mom did also happen to have some cherry limeaide Jack Daniel’s….and I happen to be a fan of pretty much anything cherry limeaide flavor, so there’s that.

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The Restricted List

I came to the realization last night that I probably haven’t eaten “real/solid” food since last Saturday. It’s been 5 days. That’s probably a really really terrible thing. Then, I realized why I hadn’t really eaten anything that wasn’t yogurt, a banana, an apple, pretzels, quest bars, or some kind of peanut butter…I’ve been afraid to. I’m afraid of eating a food that’s on the ‘restricted list’ because I’m afraid of the repercussions. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve actually seen it change something on me, I’m make believing something will happen or I’m just plain imagining each calorie going someplace on my body. I literally can’t tell you.

It's OK to not be OK!

I’ve been wanting to eat all sorts of things on the off limits list over the past few hours; you know, like donuts, some pizza, and really some macaroni and cheese!!! I just haven’t. I can’t bring myself to do it. I see other people doing it, and they seem fine. They even look fine. And I swear if someone tells me after reading this that I CAN eat all of those foods, I might punch them ( think it through. I don’t mean it rudely.) I just mean that you saying that to me, might anger me a little. I’m fully aware that I CAN eat those foods, it’s choosing to that’s difficult and then following through. I’m working on it, well, more like up to it.

Baked Vanilla Bean Doughnuts - these are so soft and moist and loaded with vanilla beans.When you become so afraid to eat food that’s on the ‘Restricted List’ are you really in a good place? I’m just so so very terrified. I live my life in fear. I found myself completely overcome and consumed last Saturday with the fact that nothing I ate was even close to being on the safe food list. I had cake, and well some other foods that I’m not sure the name of but they tasted good. In the moment and in the following couple of hours surrounded by people I was completely fine with it. Then came 6:00 P.M. when it was time for dinner and I literally found myself shaking, trying not to just completely fall apart and cry and trying not to snap at people because they really don’t deserve it. I realized then, but more now really that I should probably ease some off the beaten path foods into my everyday diet.

Which leads me to lunch today….I’m making my own pizza at home. I’m gonna do it and I’m going to enjoy it. It’s going to be okay.

Classic Pizza Margherita  Dough yields 4 pizzas serving 3 to 4 people total    1 recipe pizza dough (follow instructions here)  1 recipe tomato sauce  fresh mozzarella cheese  fresh basil leaves, sliced thinly after pizza is removed from oven

Also, I read this today, which seemed to help a little.

https://www.yahoo.com/style/getting-engaged-meant-facing-my-anorexia-again-124689801623.html