Tag Archives: faith

The 5 of Us vs. The Battle

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Sounds easy, right? Well, for me admitting I had a problem was simple. Actually referring to the problem by it’s correct name and wanting help for it, well that’s another story. A story that actually plays out for a number of years. Yesterday, September 11, 2015 was the day that a step was taken. The word was thought, typed and finally spoken. I was ready to admit it. So, here it goes……I, Kairos Brynn McCollum, have Anorexia. (I’ve now starred at this screen for 5 minutes without typing). That’s it y’all. That’s all I’ve got. It took me a while to be even able to think this word. Then….I had to admit to myself that that’s what was actually going on with me. Then, I had to type it out and send it to my Mom…and then Marty. Two of THE most important people in my life, I had to tell me. I had to say the word to them and make it real and not just some figment of my imagination.

Anorexia kills people y’all. It’s really scary. It’s a really terrifying moment when you realize something is eating you alive. Day by day, piece by piece it eats and chips away at you.

Perfectionism kills people y’all. I have this stupid, stupid need to have everything be perfect. But guess what, life isn’t perfect! I know that! But for some reason I still continue to strive for something that is literally impossible. What’s up with that?

Anxiety kills people y’all. My life is one giant anxiety ball. Every little thing can set it off. It’s been my whole life, not on purpose, but it has.  I’m so ritualistic that I can’t have one thing be off during the day. I eat the same foods I need to. I do the exact same thing everyday-wake up, get dressed, eat the same breakfast, go to school, WORKOUT, eat some safe food for dinner, then, if there is time for anything else do it, and finally sleep. Anxiety is scary.

I’ve been to therapy before, my first year at ASU, at that point, I had only admitted that I had an eating disorder. I had an “ED”. I didn’t have…..anorexia. It wasn’t really real until the other day. So, here I am, typing it out, boldly attaching myself to this hideous, ugly, downright vulgar word. Think about it, what an ugly word that is!!!

Recovery

So, you may be wondering, ‘How did I get to the point where I decided to admit this? What made me come to this sudden realization?’ Well, for student teaching, we have to record ourselves for 2 minutes teaching a lesson. As I watched myself teaching, I saw how truly thin I was…and how that wasn’t healthy. I knew I’d been doing some things differently lately but I didn’t realize they were actually making me thinner. I didn’t realize that I was thinner in the mirror than I was in my head. I think getting married has just escalated things, well the dress I mean. (Not that I think getting married is bad at all. I’m so so excited to marry the love of my life. I can’t wait for it to get here.) I think I’ve just been stressed. So, here I am, saying that I’m gonna have to get help. I’m gonna have to do some things differently. Am I ready to do that before I get married in 34ish days? I’m not sure. Am I going to be ready on October 18th? Yes. Am I ready to feel better? Yes! Am I ready to not hate myself? Definitely. I’ve been waiting my whole life to love myself.

So, how did I get here? How did this happen to me? Sometimes I wonder if I did something to make myself deserve this? Do I deserve to physically and mentally be in pain over eating a peanut butter sandwich or a hamburger? Or heck, even bread? I used to be mad at God, but now, I think I’m just a little upset sometimes with Him but I don’t think I’m angry anymore. I realize that I need to be able to turn to Him for prayer and comfort and that He DIDN’T do this to me.

"The Lord heals the brokenhearted, binds up their wounds, numbers all the stars, calls each of them by name.":

I used to think it was just me against the world. But after talking, I’ve realized it’s really not. It’s not Kairos v. Eating Disorder v. Anorexia v. the world. It’s Kairos (well, plus God) and Dad, Mom, Keegan and Marty against all those evil things.

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I’m really scared, totally terrified and completely petrified. I don’t like change. Even just saying the word right now literally means that nothing is the same. My entire mind and body changes. But for now, step 1 is saying the word. I did that. That’s pretty much all I can give right now. I’ll get to step 2, it’s just going to take a little bit. It took years to get to step 1, but it’s a positive step no matter how much time it took. I’ve never been more scared, but I know that there are at least 4 truly wonderful people who are more than willing to hold my hand through this.

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Make The Moves Up As I Go

Do you ever wonder how you got yourself into a situation? Do you retrace your steps; go back to where it all began? Sometimes I just sit, fully immersed in thought and how I got to where I am and trying to even minimally comprehend God’s intense and beautiful plan. The other day I was enjoying this thought process. How did I get here? How did I get to be almost 21? How did I get to be at this level at college waiting to retake my last teacher certification exam? HOW did I get to the age where I was ready to get married? I mean, I’m about to go in for my dress fitting! Like, what? How did I even end up with this man and how did someone not find him in North Carolina before I did? How did I get here?

10 Memorable Carrie Bradshaw Quotes to Live By

I think that a lot of people go through this thought process. You go through life thinking that everything is the same. You live day to day, in the same routine until suddenly; you realize that your life has changed without you even realizing it! And no, it’s NOT a bad thing! It’s a good thing, because if you actually got to see your life changing I don’t think you would let it happen. Change is scary and usually quite unwelcome. It’s difficult to embrace but it’s something that we all need. For now, at 20 years old, all of these changes are really exhilarating and sometimes overwhelming. That’s the beauty of it though 🙂 Overwhelming is sometimes a good emotion. I’m trying to embrace this crazy ride right now. Between school, wedding planning and sorting out things with a new house to live in, things are a little nuts. But this is one of the best times of your life right? At least that’s how I see it. Everything is new and fresh and still sparkly. I can’t tarnish that; I have to take mental pictures to be able to remember as much of this as I possibly can. I don’t want it to pass me in a blur.

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Which brings me to my final point about change….I’ll never be able to fully comprehend what makes a person go through ups and downs emotionally. I never understand what makes this happen to me. I don’t get how sometimes I can just magically feel fine and then 12 hours later feel completely awful and I want to lie on my floor and give up. How does that work? I don’t know where it comes from or how to be rid of it. It’s been like this for a couple of weeks now; I don’t think I cope with it well. I don’t cope with stress, or uncertainty, or myself changing very well. I don’t know how to handle myself looking differently. I can’t wrap my mind around someone looking at me differently, scrutinizing my body in weird ways. Actually, maybe that second part is just me. Maybe this is all pre-wedding dress fitting jitters, but I’m just trying to keep all my thoughts collected and in one place. Change is a long and constant road. There’s no escaping.

Clear Eyes…Full Hearts

The first week of new semesters ALWAYS brings it’s own hidden anxieties. I’m just like everyone else to falls victim to the pressure/excitement/unknown variables that a new semester brings. Of course, for me, that just adds onto the already huge dark hovering pressure of Ed and all his “glory”. I have to make and devote time to ensure my mental sanity remains at a good level. So, that’s been my struggle this week. It’s been trying to juggle a new already stressful semester and trying to focus on not what new burdens the semester brings, but here in the moment about that I actually CAN control.

Next, I found something really interesting on Pinterest the other night. Go Pinterest, Go!!! I found this pin that led to this website about a Body Image Bible Study.

http://vevahealth.com/2013/06/17/body-image-bible-study-2/

Tween Girl Art, Owl art, Nerd Owl. Home Decor, Inspirational Art, art print on wood by Jennifer McCully

I looked at it this afternoon and at first, I wasn’t all that impressed. At first, I just thought it was the same old type of study where you read the verse “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” or “You knit me in my mother’s womb.” Yeah, those verses are wonderful and all, but personally, I think those two in particular ARE OVERUSED!! Those verses were included in this, however, it also instructed you to read Psalm 139 in it’s entirety. I ran across a few points that quite honestly made me a bit teary eyed.

139:1-3:: “You searched me…you know when I sit and rise…You perceive my THOUGHTS…” WHAT?! I mean, I knew all of this, but ponder that for just a second. There isn’t a thing I do or a feeling I have that God isn’t aware that I’m experiencing. To me, this is an absolutely amazing/comforting feeling.

139:11-12:: “the darkness will hide me.” I can’t say that I haven’t thought about it. I’ve thought about ‘hiding’ from God. I thought that because of all these negative and self hating thoughts I have, I thought that God wouldn’t want me. BUT the Bible says, “even the darkness will not be dark to you.”

139:23:: “search me and know my heart….know my ANXIOUS thoughts.” This is one of the last verses and it just jumped out at me because it says the word anxious. I think my body literally runs on anxiety. It’s crazy the amount I have. There’s times at night where I can’t fall asleep for hours because I suddenly and overwhelmed with intense anxiety about everything in my life. But this clearly states that God knows them and that gives hope that you can let go.

Blank Space

New Year’s Resolutions anyone?? Oh please, I’ll pass. All those promises made are just waiting to be broken 1, 2 or even 3 months into the year. Sure they are supposed to be a commitment, but how often do people make promises or commitments that they have no intention of upholding or allow them to crumble to pieces because the “going got tough”. I think my point is that I really despise the saying “new year, new me”. Why? Just why?

I’ve also been doing a lot of thinking over the past two days. I knew that one day when I was getting ready to get married that my eating disorder was going to get worse. I knew that. Did I accept that? NO! But in the back of my mind did I probably know that was true? Yeah, I probably did. I don’t really have many words to describe the pain…well actually I don’t mean pain. I mean pressure. It’s an insurmountable pressure. I feel like there is so much pressure to look just right and achieve the correct “bridal look” whatever that may be. But it’s all I feel all the time. Pressure. I don’t even think it stems from an actual person. I think I provide this unattainable level of pressure for myself. I think I have an image and I don’t even know how that happened.

I guess I could say that I wasn’t ready for this day to get here, but that’s not true. I’m ready to get married…to be married. What I wasn’t prepared for was the pressure. Even though I knew, I knew that this would happen. The truth is, I was never going to be ready for this. I was never going to be mentally prepared to wear this beautiful white dress.  It’s terrifying and overwhelming…but magical all wrapped up together. It’s a weird time in life.

I think I have this pressure because I think that I just want to be perfect. I think I want to be perfect looking for my fiancé or soon to be husband. Not that he’s set an unattainable goal for me, but I think I have for myself.

This is about to be a really big year for me. In May I turn 21, I get married in June and then finally to end the year I’ll graduate from college. There’s so much to look forward to and be thankful for.

So, I’m not making a resolution. I’m refocusing my goals in 2015. I don’t expect to change overnight or even half my habits in a new year, but a millimeter of progress in this department is the equivalent of climbing a mountain for me.

Thanksgiving Owl…I Mean Turkey!

Soooooo…..Thanksgiving….my old enemy, we meet again. Here we are again, it’s this time of year. I completely dread this time of year, but I know that so so many people love it! And that’s fantastic! Don’t get me wrong, I love  it too. I absolutely LOVE Christmas and the feeling of fall and Thanksgiving. It’s an amazing feeling that you can only get from certain times. It’s the only time I ever get this unique feeling and I simply cherish it.

That being said, I hate one teeny, tiny aspect of it. (I’m sure most people love it. People are literally walking around asking if you are going to eat too much. Like….what????!?) I Hate The Eating Part. HATE IT. I find it absurd and I hate that their is an entire holiday focused on eating. Whatever happened to being thankful, truly thankful. It’s a time to be thankful for EVERYTHING that you have (food included, I guess). Everything from your family, job, food, home, friends, dogs, freedom, willingness of a person to go to an unknown country and protect a person they don’t even know, anything you can think of. I think that’s the beautiful part of Thanksgiving. That’s what I remember. That’s what I hold in my heart that day. That’s what I hope everyone else thinks of. I block out the food and the questions about college and overall irritating questions from eager but loving relatives. That’s what the day is about. 

Thanksgiving Owls http://www.misskatecuttables.com/products/thanksgiving/freebie-of-the-day-thanksgiving-owls.php

Second of all, my ED makes holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving harder than they really should be, and probably way more difficult than they are for someone who doesn’t suffer from this burden. Because literally anytime I start to think that ED is gone, or less, or…a word I can’t describe. He comes creeping back in. He makes me day horrible. He makes me irritated beyond belief.  He opens up old wounds, peels off the old band-aid and allows the blood to come oozing out. He doesn’t care that it hurts. He doesn’t care that he causes pain. He DOES NOT care that this is a holiday to be happy and thankful and of celebration. Those feeling simply aren’t in his repertoire. Ed stabs you in the back, the front, the side basically anyplace he can jab his words.

“Salt in the wound like you’re laughing right at me.”

Bad blood taylor swift lyrics

But, this year, I’m trying something new. I’m trying to focus on all that I have to be THANKFUL for. Because there is honestly so so so very much that I have to be thankful for that quite frankly outranks and surpasses Ed. Why do I choose to burden myself with something that only causes me great pain? Well, I can’t always help that, but I can help the fact that I can channel all of my energy this holiday season into cherishing precious and few moments, and when I become overwhelmed with food and body image issues (WHICH I WILL. NO DOUBT.) I can take a breath, and remember that the people I’m choosing to celebrating with love me, and I don’t have to constantly live in anguish over what I currently look like in my clothes.

Thanking Jesus for who He is and all He does really helps my heart when Im overwhelmed.

10 Maya Angelou Quotes That'll Make You Love Life and Get Sh*t Done | Women's Health Magazine

Red High Heels

So, I haven’t written lately but I think that’s because I’ve felt pretty good lately. That could be a product of a couple different things. I think I’ve gotten my medicine under control and to the right dose that actually helps me and doesn’t have me all messed up somehow. I’ve got a best friend and the best boyfriend I could ever ask for and a puppy that’s absolutely adorable and who has totally stolen my heart.  For now, and for the first time in a while, I think that things are going really well for me.

Anyways, I’ve been listening to Kellie Pickler tonight and I’ve heard her songs before and I’ve liked her but I never listened to all of her songs. I came across her, Don’t You Know You’re Beautiful song. That’s a really difficult for me to accept, as well as many other girls in the world. There’s just always a constant feeling of you’re not good enough. But as I listen to that song, I continually think, “hey, you know what, you’re totally right Kellie Pickler, I’m beautiful. I don’t need to change that. I’m fine that way I am.”

Really, the moral of the story here, is that, it someone doesn’t accept you or like you for exactly who you are, screw them. Okay, okay, I know there’s a more polite way to word that and that’s awfully blunt, but in the end, that’s exactly what it comes down to.  If you let someone into your life and all they want to do is change you, that’s absolutely ridiculous! I’ve heard it said before that before someone can love you, you have to love yourself. I agree with that but only to a point. I think that before someone can love you, you have to merely accept yourself first. To  truly allow yourself to be loved to your full potential and allow yourself to fully love someone else, you have to accept yourself as you all, with all your flaws, strengths, fears and triumphs. You have to begin to understand that even as screwed up as you think you are, someone else can think you’re perfect and that you hung the moon. It’s all about perception. 

Is It Okay To Be Angry With God?

Is it okay for me to be angry with God????

I find myself asking this question lately. There’s quite a few yes and no’s to me. We’ll go through my long list of pros and cons in a moment, however, I think I should cover why I’m actually upset with God.

These words kept me going during a really hard time. And no truer words have ever been spoken. I am so blessed

Back about a year ago, God had just started me on this entirely new journey in my life. New relationships were forming, I was communicating with someone literally across the world, I was in the process of transferring schools, and I was about to begin the very, very long road to recovery with my eating disorder (which is what I’m still currently embarking on.) I’m not going to go into depth because that would take entirely too much time and it’s very personal. But, all of these things that were happening to me combined, was very taxing and upsetting for me. I suddenly found myself wondering if I was upset…or even, heaven forbid, angry with God. Was I? Am I? What? Is that even okay?

I’ve heard it said time and time again that you should not, could not, would not  in a box with a fox (sorry, I got a little Dr. Seuss there.) But I’ve always heard that you shouldn’t get angry with God. I do understand that, I do. I mean, He was the creator of all things, He created you, He blessed you and He has provided you with everything that you ever had or ever will have. So why in the world would you ever become angry with Him?

Welllll, I’m going to take a step back here. I believe that it is very hard to be completely happy with one person. We are human, we want things and when we don’t get them or when bad things happen to us can we always be expected to say ‘oh, I guess that’s God’s intention, I guess I better just accept it.’ That’s not logical!! Who has ever just out rightly accepted something?!

For a while, I kinda went around kicking myself and telling myself that I was doing everything wrong. Yes, I love God. I do. It wasn’t until I went to one of my very first sessions with my therapist that I felt at ease with what I was going through. I had told her that I was upset with God and I was really angry at Him for giving me- well not giving me-this eating disorder. I felt like it was really unfair. I couldn’t understand why I needed to go through this or this terrible thing needed to happen to me. It’s a painful and confusing thing to go through. I couldn’t decide if I had done something to deserve this eating disorder.

Thankfully, God was looking out for me when He allowed this eating disorder to happen to me though, He provided me with a very strong christian woman to guide me through recovery. She explained to me one day that it was completely fine for me to angry with God. I had justifiable reasoning to be upset with God. I am going through something absolutely painful and personally, I just think it’s okay to be a little upset with God. She explained that God is a big guy and that He can take me being a little upset with Him.

My boyfriend also said something that really helped me when I was telling him about how I was upset/angry with God. He said that as long as I go back and apologize and don’t stay mad at him forever, that it really will be okay.

So, to answer my question at the very beginning, I personally feel that being angry with God is acceptable. Is it something that you should be? No! Absolutely not.  I don’t believe that it is actually something you should strive to be, but I believe that if something extreme happens to you, that it’s acceptable to be upset or angry with God. You just have to keep in mind that God knows what He is doing. He’s got you in the palm of His hand. He knows that He is doing and that if you are truly His child He will lead you in the right direction and carry out His plan for your life.

words print- its ok to get angry with god

Love Is Kind

Red heart - almost as sweet as saying it - maybe sweeter

Have you ever stopped and pondered how big your-our- God is? When I sit back and think about it, I can’t even begin to fathom how great, mighty and powerful my God is. That being said, I read a post on love, choice and soul mates. Well, I for one, actually believe in the concept of soul mates. Out of the 7 or 8 billion people in the world, I believe that God can have one set person for everyone. I believe that everyone has a person. Who am I to doubt what God can do, such as bringing to two people together as one-hence “soul mates”. Many people say that you can choose who you love, like it’s a choice. As if there are people who are bad for you, good and then best for you. I just don’t agree. I think that God has a person in mind for you. Let’s take Genesis for God’s first example:

“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is right for him.’ So the Lord caused the man to sleep very deeply, and while he was asleep, God removed one of the man’s ribs. The Lord God used the rib from the man to make a woman, and then he brought the woman to the man.” Genesis 2:19,21-22

Here we see God literally went out of his way to create the perfect mate for Adam-Eve. Which to me, constitutes as a soul mate. God wants us to feel love and be in love and experience all of the spectacular things that love has to offer. In order to have this love though, we must have the passion that he displays in Song of Solomon.

Twin flame, Soul mates

Yes, as humans I do suppose that we have a choice in the matter of who we love, but in reality, I believe that God leads us to the person that we are meant to be with. He can lead you across a room, across a state, across the country or even across the world to bring you to the right person.

There are all different types of love in this world. There’s worldly love and Godly love. As people tend to do, they give up on love easily, especially when it’s worldly love, they let people go. They don’t stay and fight. They don’t stick it out together through thick and thin. Even if they have tried their very hardest, however, it still make not work. You can’t “choose” to love someone even if the chemistry just isn’t there. You can’t force the love. You can’t just choose to love someone with all your hard and even when the times get tough and rough try your hardest to make it work. If something is not meant to be, no amount of trying and begging and attempting to work it out will work. Who am I to doubt that God has one person for me? Look at everything He has done in the world. Who am I to doubt? In order for love to work out, you need to have Biblical, Godly love.

1 Corinthians 13 printable I want to print this for our bedroom. It was recited during our wedding ceremony!

In the end though, I strongly, deeply, truly believe that God has a set person for everyone, a soul mate.

At The End Of The Day

Don't wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don't. In face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what it is that make us hold it together.

You know what’s frustrating? This feeling:

I feel pathetic. I just feel like, like I’m not pretty enough, or smart enough, or good enough, and maybe even ridiculous because I don’t go to work I just go to class.

Do you know what that feels like, not being good enough? Terrible. No, awful. No, I don’t even know the words for that. Anyways, find the worst word that describes the worst feeling, and that’s the word. Peg that word for what that description makes me feel. That’s it. I really have no other words. That’s it. That’s all.

You know what’s frustrating? When the one person you want to talk to at the end of the day doesn’t want to talk to you. I know it’s difficult to talk to me. I know it’s painful and extremely exhausting to listen to me say the same thing ‘that I feel bad’ over and over again. But sometimes that’s what I need. Sometimes that’s all I can say. It’s the only way that I can describe the demons, monsters and name calling that goes on inside my head. I know it’s difficult to listen to me. I know it’s hard to find the right words to comfort me. But what you don’t realize is that all words are comforting. Knowing that you want to listen is comforting. Knowing that you just want to hold me and let me stare at the wall, cry if I feel like it, or let me just ramble on for five minutes straight; that’s comforting. Knowing you want to go through this with me, that’s helpful. I know it all sounds stupid. I know that I sound kind of stupid and a little repetitive. But this is me. You might have to accept it. You might now. But this is me. This is who I am. I’m fighting day in and day out to fix myself. Working up the courage to speak to you and talk to you about what’s going on in my head is scary and it take a tremendous amount of trust.

18 LIFE lessons to be learnt from Greys Anatomy | Heartstring

Can’t Go Far But You Can Always Dream

a42b79fe94df4c9df5063170fd103da7.jpg 472 × 1 144 pixlar

What do you do when someone who means the world you you tells you they can’t help you unless you want to help yourself? Does that sound discouraging to anyone else besides me? I’m hoping it’s not just me. It kinda made me wanna go cry in the corner.

How do you lose motivation? It’s not very difficult when you don’t really have any at all. Have you ever felt like you might just be slightly depressed? I have for a little while today and after talking to my counselor today, I learned that it’s pretty much normal for me to feel depressed. How could I expect myself to actually be in the correct state of mind? Let’s take a look at everything I’m trying to juggle at once. I’ve got first and foremost, school. I take 15 hours and observe in the classroom, that’s a pretty busy schedule. I’m trying to get the best grades I possibly can, which means studying, giving 110% and going the extra mile. Then there’s babysitting two young, impressionable girls. There’s a real exciting adventure. Literally. Then let’s throw in trying to tackle Ed and all the anxiety, obstacles, and pressure that goes along with that. That may not sound like all that much, but it’s a lot to take on for a 19, almost 20 year old. Breath.

I feel sad often. There’s really no reason. If you take a step back and look at it, I’d say I have pretty good life- aside from the ED fiasco. Nevertheless, depression doesn’t depend on or take into account what kind of life you live, depression is a state of mind.

That hole is called Amarillo Texas.

Depression is a dark, dark place. It starts out slow, like you feel sad because your pet died. Then, it slowly creeps along, adding itself more and more into your daily life. Allowing itself to creep into your happiest moments, whisk away the smile and replace it with a more painted on and less genuine half-hearted one.  It moves itself into your dreams, into your happiest memories until suddenly, it’s somehow painted all your skies gray. You wake up, glance around and all your left with is dark walls, cold rooms that no amount of blankets can cure. When did all of this happen to you? When did you stop having a real laugh and  a fake smile? Suddenly all of this pressure is thrust upon you and you find yourself trying to justify your feelings to others, even yourself. Depression is starting at the blank white wall in your apartment room waiting for something to happen. Waiting to feel something new. It’s waking up every morning to the sound of your alarm clock, rolling over and thinking ‘Am I suppose to feel happy today?’ I think a lot of the time that I’m just making this up. However, this is a real fear for me. What if I feel like this forever? What if I’m destined to try and explain my blue feelings to others forever.

This is a journey that you don’t just fall into over night. It slowly eats away at you and one day, steals your soul. But there is a ray of hope. You don’t have to live in this darkness forever. The sun will eventually shine again, as long as you keep trying. Keeping your head up is only the beginning of the never ending battle. You need support. Support from others for those days where you just think that you can’t possibly take anymore and then you need support from yourself. The support from yourself is for those days where everyone thinks you’re getting better, but only you truly know that you’re only 5% of the way there. Not only are you the most important person in this journey, but you’re really the only person you can truly count on 100% of the time.

For my babies (who are really babies anymore)  :)